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Original poster

Am I overreacting or is this a red flag?

237 replies

amibeingaknob · 08/09/2025 13:41

So I have extremely lovely boyfriend - whom I am deeply in love with and he is with me (or so he says). Its quite early doors (6 months) but we have been spending lots of time together and very quickly into each other iykwim. He basically lives at my place of late. Im making that point because in the past 8 years of dating I have never gotten this close this quickly and its extremely lovely. I believed he was the one tbh after quite the time looking (Im 51 - past shitbox of a marriage).

Anyway, his previous girlfriend who he told me all about. He was in love with her , but she cheated on him with her childs father, he dumped her (but took some time to get over her), and they remained in touch as 'friends' (that part I don't get cos they didn't see each other just chatted a bit on text I think), and he said she spent about a year trying to get him back. He always said he wasnt interested, and she is with someone else. She was due to get married now.

This was all I really knew and I wasn't interested cos not my business. I did think it was odd they were facebook friends but he said they barely talk so I just didn't worry, cos we spend all our time together and its all good. HOWEVER, this weekend he started telling me how she is single, the wedding didnt happen she has been posting about how devo she is, how she has been treated so badly. I asked a bit more and he showed me that she had messaged him an old lovely dovey picture of them together in June with a 'how sad' and a sad emoji. Theres been no contact since - or so it seems - but they are still friends of facebook.

It made me feel very very insecure, threatened and panicky. I went quiet, and he reacted really lovingly telling me how sorry I was, how much he loved me, he wasn't interested in her - yada yada, and that he would unfriend. I said a woman you were once in love with, and pursued you for a year, sent you a very obvious 'i want you back' message just 2 months ago and is now newly single!!!! And we were together then. I asked how he would feel if it were him, he said he would hate it. I said I would never tell someone what to do, but I do not want to EVER feel insecure and jealous again - its a hideous awful emotion and I don't deserve to feel it. I said I didn't want to talk about it anymore, and he can do with that information what he wants. Obviously I wanted him to have unfriended and blocked her but I have checked today and they are still friends on there.

I just feel the whole thing is immature and just not something I want any part of. Im 51 ffs and Im checking someones facebook friends, its just not me, I hate it. Its put me right off tbh. I don't want to feel this teen angst knot in my stomach. Up until now, it felt like such a healthy, secure love. So different from my marriage which was awful. This has been exactly what I wanted and needed. But I just feel there is this woman out there, newly single and heartbroken, who is now going to go hellbent on pursuing my fella. And worse - he is just still facebook friends with her - and they aren't even bloody friends! I find that baffling and disrespectful. It makes me feel maybe he enjoys the attention from her? He is getting something out of it surely, because he doesn't want to be with her (allegedly). I dunno my gut is saying he wants her chasing. I really don't want a bar of this dynamic though. Apart from this, he makes me incredibly happy and I haven't felt this way in years!

So am I just completely overreacting, being a jealous knob and worrying about nothing and ruining something completely fabulous because Ive been fucked over in the past? Or is this something to worry about?

TIA

OP posts:
Someone2025 · 09/09/2025 14:33

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 13:23

Ok what would you say to him then if you were me?

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I would ask him why he is was still connected to a woman who cheated on him and treated him badly to start with…..I would have put it over to him as he and his actions caused the issue, you made it more about you and how you felt / your emotions / what he had done to you

Original poster
amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 14:06

TwistedWonder · 09/09/2025 14:05

There’s a huge difference between being open and shoeing vulnerability compared to telling someone they’re making you feel vulnerable and insecure imo.

The former is absolutely normal and healthy, the latter really isn’t.

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please expand on this, i really genuinely don't get it. im open to learning though.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 09/09/2025 14:05

Swiftie1878 · 09/09/2025 13:44

Fwiw, I think Someone is talking nonsense, and feel no healthy relationship could survive that level of paranoia and cynicism.

You could only be abused by someone ‘having that power over you’ if you allow them to persistently use it.
If you don’t open up and make yourself vulnerable with someone you’re in a relationship with, it all becomes very ‘not real’ and transactional. Yuck.

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There’s a huge difference between being open and shoeing vulnerability compared to telling someone they’re making you feel vulnerable and insecure imo.

The former is absolutely normal and healthy, the latter really isn’t.

Original poster
amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 14:05

Swiftie1878 · 09/09/2025 13:44

Fwiw, I think Someone is talking nonsense, and feel no healthy relationship could survive that level of paranoia and cynicism.

You could only be abused by someone ‘having that power over you’ if you allow them to persistently use it.
If you don’t open up and make yourself vulnerable with someone you’re in a relationship with, it all becomes very ‘not real’ and transactional. Yuck.

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I couldn't agree more. Ill be arsed if I am going to pretend what someone does doesn't hurt me. I will tell them. And what they choose to do with that information is telling isn't it.

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · 09/09/2025 13:44

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 13:23

Ok what would you say to him then if you were me?

Show quote history

Fwiw, I think Someone is talking nonsense, and feel no healthy relationship could survive that level of paranoia and cynicism.

You could only be abused by someone ‘having that power over you’ if you allow them to persistently use it.
If you don’t open up and make yourself vulnerable with someone you’re in a relationship with, it all becomes very ‘not real’ and transactional. Yuck.

Original poster
amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 13:23

Someone2025 · 09/09/2025 13:13

I disagree, I won’t give another person power over me just to avoid having an argument, there are other ways to convey your annoyance with something, your DP now knows he has the ability to make you feel insecure, that is knowledge that could be very much abused

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Ok what would you say to him then if you were me?

OP posts:
Someone2025 · 09/09/2025 13:13

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 12:40

But its less likely to cause a row isn't it? Less accusationary, because you are saying, calmly, this made me feel this way. Rather than 'i do not like that behaviour'. I feel if i start like that it immediately makes the person defensive.

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I disagree, I won’t give another person power over me just to avoid having an argument, there are other ways to convey your annoyance with something, your DP now knows he has the ability to make you feel insecure, that is knowledge that could be very much abused

TwistedWonder · 09/09/2025 13:03

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 09/09/2025 12:56

I hate to be that poster but 🚩🚩🚩🚩

Come on, OP - wise up.

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Agree. He already seems to have trained the OP to tread on eggshells

More red flags than a communist party parade on Putins birthday

TwistedWonder · 09/09/2025 13:02

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 12:10

I want to have a few days break from him. I want to do this maturely, without upsetting him, but make it clear I just need a bit of space because this has unsettled me and I need to reflect.

I went quiet in the early days and he got very very upset, he thought Id ghosted him, and he was very firm that he won't tolerate that. Totally fair enough, so I wont just go quiet, and thats really not on anyway. But I dont want a big drama either.

Can you guys help me write something short and sweet but not too dramatic and overly emotional?

What do you mean ‘he won’t tolerate’ you going quiet? Who is he to make demands on you wanting time to yourself?

Honestly why are you trying yourself into a pretzel to avoid any sort of direct conversation with him just to avoid conflict? If you can’t have those sort of conversations without reading on eggshells, then he’s not the one.

It’s only been 6 months - is this how you want to live the rest of your life?

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 09/09/2025 12:56

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 12:10

I want to have a few days break from him. I want to do this maturely, without upsetting him, but make it clear I just need a bit of space because this has unsettled me and I need to reflect.

I went quiet in the early days and he got very very upset, he thought Id ghosted him, and he was very firm that he won't tolerate that. Totally fair enough, so I wont just go quiet, and thats really not on anyway. But I dont want a big drama either.

Can you guys help me write something short and sweet but not too dramatic and overly emotional?

I hate to be that poster but 🚩🚩🚩🚩

Come on, OP - wise up.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 09/09/2025 12:53

Pastaandoranges · 09/09/2025 12:13

Everyone ia going to come with baggage past 40. Long term exes, children, sick parents, crazy exes, marriage/s. And most people don't wipe out their past lives for their new at this agem if tou have shared 20 years with someone, don't hate them but grew apart, then there is no need to wipe them from your life evennwih a new partner. If he wants to be with you, he will be with you no matter what she says to him.

Yes, everyone has a past but that doesn’t mean you have to let it get in the way of your current situation. Adults do have a responsibility to deal with their baggage appropriately - it’s not the job of your new partner to have to do that for you.

TalulaHalulah · 09/09/2025 12:52

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 12:10

I want to have a few days break from him. I want to do this maturely, without upsetting him, but make it clear I just need a bit of space because this has unsettled me and I need to reflect.

I went quiet in the early days and he got very very upset, he thought Id ghosted him, and he was very firm that he won't tolerate that. Totally fair enough, so I wont just go quiet, and thats really not on anyway. But I dont want a big drama either.

Can you guys help me write something short and sweet but not too dramatic and overly emotional?

Sorry but I also think this is a red flag.
you are allowed to want space.
you are not married and you are not living together and he does not own you or your time.
why not just say you need a few days peace and quiet and you will look forward to seeing him (when you plan to see him).
And if he kicks off or does anything other than leave you alone, bin him off.

TalulaHalulah · 09/09/2025 12:47

Honestly to me the red flag is practically living together after six months. When I have done that previously in a relationship, I have seen in retrospect I have been love bombed and there was not a genuine foundation for the relationship.
I would go way more slowly now.
I think you don’t really know someone after six months, you are over invested in who they are FB friends with and the reason you feel 15 years old is because this is not secure.

EstherGreenwood63 · 09/09/2025 12:46

His jealousy is the red flag I would not ignore. In time it will turn into accusations of YOU flirting/having an affair. I guarantee it. This kind of behaviour is ALWAYS a red flag. Good luck with it all. You sound decent and you DO deserve a decent man. Not sure this one is.

MsPavlichenko · 09/09/2025 12:43

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 12:12

Bare in mind our norm over the past few weeks has become texting several times a day and spending most nights together. So its kinda a big deal. We have a party we are going to Saturday, so I could just have the rest of the week to ponder. I think ive rushed in too quick and need some space.

Edited

It shouldn’t be a big deal, regardless of how much time you spend together. You worrying about this, and what to say is another red flag.

Simply say that you need a bit of physical, and mental space. The issues around the FB thing threw you a bit, so you are wanting a rest. Say you will see him at the weekend ( if you want to clearly ). Clarify you don’t want to continue, or him to continue the discussion.
His response will be telling.

He should do as you wish with good grace. If he ignores, hectors or issues you with any ultimatums, he is indeed a wrong un.

Original poster
amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 12:40

Someone2025 · 09/09/2025 12:20

Precisely

Show quote history

But its less likely to cause a row isn't it? Less accusationary, because you are saying, calmly, this made me feel this way. Rather than 'i do not like that behaviour'. I feel if i start like that it immediately makes the person defensive.

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 09/09/2025 12:37

floraldreamer · 08/09/2025 14:33

I'm not sure on the rest of your post but I'm fb friends with 3 of my exes and there's absolutely nothing going on with any of them. You either trust him or you dont, whatever this woman does or says.

I agree with this. You can't police someone else's friendships (physical or virtual). I'm FB friends with a number of exes, as is my DP. I don't see the problem unless you have a specific concern with a particular person.

In the case of this woman it sounds as if she's a complete drama queen and one of these women who can't bear to be single so has to have men in reserve.

I think the fact that he's been open about it is a good sign unless he's he's goading you with it and using it to make you jealous.

OliveBeebe · 09/09/2025 12:24

I don't think you're necessarily wrong to feel jealous. But the bit that worries me is "I don't deserve to feel jealous"

Sometimes, that's on us, in this situation perhaps he didn't need to show you the message, but it sounds like he didn't respond and was open about it, so I'm not sure what he needed to apologise. Forcing partners to block other people that they have platonic relationships with is a bit of a red flag from your end tbh as it "it's ok cos we spend all our time together". You shouldn't need someone in your sight 24/7 to know they aren't cheating.

Someone2025 · 09/09/2025 12:20

TwistedWonder · 09/09/2025 12:18

Totally agree. Yes discuss feelings and emotions but never give him ammunition by telling him he’s made you feel vulnerable or insecure. It’s like telling someone your weak spots they can use against you

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Precisely

TwistedWonder · 09/09/2025 12:18

Someone2025 · 09/09/2025 12:14

Honestly, I would never tell a man that his actions / behaviour made me feel insecure or jealous….I might say I didn’t like it but I personally never let a man know he had power over me, if they know they have the ability to make you feel insecure and jealous they have power over you that they could abuse…..it’s not game playing, in my opinion it’s being wise, and no, I have never been in an abusive relationship

Show quote history

Totally agree. Yes discuss feelings and emotions but never give him ammunition by telling him he’s made you feel vulnerable or insecure. It’s like telling someone your weak spots they can use against you

Someone2025 · 09/09/2025 12:14

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 07:54

Really? You wouldn't tell a man how you were feeling in a relationship? Isn't that game playing, and not giving the relationship a fair go? or him a chance to resolve things?

Show quote history

Honestly, I would never tell a man that his actions / behaviour made me feel insecure or jealous….I might say I didn’t like it but I personally never let a man know he had power over me, if they know they have the ability to make you feel insecure and jealous they have power over you that they could abuse…..it’s not game playing, in my opinion it’s being wise, and no, I have never been in an abusive relationship

Pastaandoranges · 09/09/2025 12:13

Everyone ia going to come with baggage past 40. Long term exes, children, sick parents, crazy exes, marriage/s. And most people don't wipe out their past lives for their new at this agem if tou have shared 20 years with someone, don't hate them but grew apart, then there is no need to wipe them from your life evennwih a new partner. If he wants to be with you, he will be with you no matter what she says to him.

Original poster
amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 12:12

Bare in mind our norm over the past few weeks has become texting several times a day and spending most nights together. So its kinda a big deal. We have a party we are going to Saturday, so I could just have the rest of the week to ponder. I think ive rushed in too quick and need some space.

OP posts:
Original poster
amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 12:10

I want to have a few days break from him. I want to do this maturely, without upsetting him, but make it clear I just need a bit of space because this has unsettled me and I need to reflect.

I went quiet in the early days and he got very very upset, he thought Id ghosted him, and he was very firm that he won't tolerate that. Totally fair enough, so I wont just go quiet, and thats really not on anyway. But I dont want a big drama either.

Can you guys help me write something short and sweet but not too dramatic and overly emotional?

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 09/09/2025 11:59

Findingmypurposeinlife · 09/09/2025 11:46

There has been talk about how your ex treated you and that you have discussed this in-depth with your current partner. In my opinion that exposes your vulnerabilities rather than empowers you. If you have had therapy, that's great. You've worked on yourself and you should also have installed your own new boundaries of what your expectations are. No negotiation. No partner needs to know what (hell) you had to go through to reach that stage. At least not in that 'honeymoon stage' while you are still getting to know each other.

By discussing the issues in your past relationship, you're not giving yourself the chance to move on.
Men who don't have the best intentions literally prey on women who show their insecurities. His actions so far haven't exactly reassured you. (By your own admittance)

You haven't seen any messages since the last time his ex sent him a photo of the two of them. Playing devil's advocate, he could have just deleted them.

Anyway, I genuinely wish you all the best and I hope it all works out!

This is entirely possible in my opinion. As I say to every woman and girl, do the Freedom Programme. Regardless of whether you are single, in a relationship, whether he’s a decent man or not.