Page 3 | Am I overreacting or is this a red flag?

amibeingaknob · 2025-09-08T12:41:37+00:00

So I have extremely lovely boyfriend - whom I am deeply in love with and he is with me (or so he says). Its quite early doors (6 months) but we have been spending lots of time together and very quickly into each other iykwim. He basically lives at my place of late. Im making that point because in the past 8 years of dating I have never gotten this close this quickly and its extremely lovely. I believed he was the one tbh after quite the time looking (Im 51 - past shitbox of a marriage). Anyway, his previous girlfriend who he told me all about. He was in love with her , but she cheated on him with her childs father, he dumped her (but took some time to get over her), and they remained in touch as 'friends' (that part I don't get cos they didn't see each other just chatted a bit on text I think), and he said she spent about a year trying to get him back. He always said he wasnt interested, and she is with someone else. She was due to get married now. This was all I really knew and I wasn't interested cos not my business. I did think it was odd they were facebook friends but he said they barely talk so I just didn't worry, cos we spend all our time together and its all good. HOWEVER, this weekend he started telling me how she is single, the wedding didnt happen she has been posting about how devo she is, how she has been treated so badly. I asked a bit more and he showed me that she had messaged him an old lovely dovey picture of them together in June with a 'how sad' and a sad emoji. Theres been no contact since - or so it seems - but they are still friends of facebook. It made me feel very very insecure, threatened and panicky. I went quiet, and he reacted really lovingly telling me how sorry I was, how much he loved me, he wasn't interested in her - yada yada, and that he would unfriend. I said a woman you were once in love with, and pursued you for a year, sent you a very obvious 'i want you back' message just 2 months ago and is now newly single!!!! And we were together then. I asked how he would feel if it were him, he said he would hate it. I said I would never tell someone what to do, but I do not want to EVER feel insecure and jealous again - its a hideous awful emotion and I don't deserve to feel it. I said I didn't want to talk about it anymore, and he can do with that information what he wants. Obviously I wanted him to have unfriended and blocked her but I have checked today and they are still friends on there. I just feel the whole thing is immature and just not something I want any part of. Im 51 ffs and Im checking someones facebook friends, its just not me, I hate it. Its put me right off tbh. I don't want to feel this teen angst knot in my stomach. Up until now, it felt like such a healthy, secure love. So different from my marriage which was awful. This has been exactly what I wanted and needed. But I just feel there is this woman out there, newly single and heartbroken, who is now going to go hellbent on pursuing my fella. And worse - he is just still facebook friends with her - and they aren't even bloody friends! I find that baffling and disrespectful. It makes me feel maybe he enjoys the attention from her? He is getting something out of it surely, because he doesn't want to be with her (allegedly). I dunno my gut is saying he wants her chasing. I really don't want a bar of this dynamic though. Apart from this, he makes me incredibly happy and I haven't felt this way in years! So am I just completely overreacting, being a jealous knob and worrying about nothing and ruining something completely fabulous because Ive been fucked over in the past? Or is this something to worry about? TIA

TalulaHalulah · 09/09/2025 21:24

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 21:06

Well I think its over. His reaction to me needing space is very telling. He has said hes happy to talk to me but he wont be shut out. That apparently is not healthy.

Ive told him that it is healthy to need time to reflect after a disagreement/upset.

Right now I feel glad. Glad Ive seen this side of him.

It should honestly be fine to want a couple of days to yourself even if you had not had a disagreement. You are not married, you have been together six months. (Even if you were married, then you should be able to have your own space and peace and quiet when you need it)
He sounds suffocating.
Just take your time and space and make sure you are okay.

Original poster

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 21:06

Well I think its over. His reaction to me needing space is very telling. He has said hes happy to talk to me but he wont be shut out. That apparently is not healthy.

Ive told him that it is healthy to need time to reflect after a disagreement/upset.

Right now I feel glad. Glad Ive seen this side of him.

OP posts:

TalulaHalulah · 09/09/2025 20:13

I honestly don’t think it is about the FB drama, it’s about the fact that you feel the need to write an essay to tell him why you want a couple of days to yourself.
’Hi, it’s been a bit full on emotionally in the last couple of days and I need to concentrate on work and other things for a bit. Looking forward to seeing you on Saturday and I will get in touch about the arrangements on Friday, I hope the rest of your week goes well’
It is or should be that simple.

Honestly, what you are describing as good times sounds suffocating to me. In a healthy relationship you need space to yourself. Control looks romantic at first. It is how it works. The biggest red flag for me is that you cannot send a simple message like the above and then go and have a nice hot bath or whatever you do to relax. I am not sure how many messages you are up to here agonising about this. But you are six months in. Six months. Honestly, you must see that this is not healthy.

(edited to add, sorry I just saw the poster above me had suggested something pretty similar)

Gerwurtztraminer · 09/09/2025 19:33

How about something like this:
Hey, last few days have been a bit full on/OTT/emotional (take your pick of whatever adjective you prefer) and I just need a few quiet days on my own to sort my shit out (or if you prefer - relax/decompress/wind down). See you on the weekend.

Keep it short. If he tries to engage about why etc, just reply once, shortening the message to "I just need some quiet time, See you on the weekend".

hiyapalll · 09/09/2025 19:23

It sounds to me like you have some attachment issues. As someone who has anxious attachment and has done a lot of work on identifying my own patterns of behaviour, there are some major red flags coming up which you may be ignoring due to your past experiences of what you perceive as love. I think you’re right to take a step back and reflect, but this also might be a hard-wired pattern of withdrawal whenever conflict arises. It’s really distressing to go through, you have my sympathies but it’s important to be stick to your own boundaries or else history might repeat itself and you might end up in a terrible situation again.

Missj25 · 09/09/2025 19:01

BuckChuckets · 09/09/2025 16:28

"Early days" and he was already instructing you how to behave so as not to disappoint him.

Stop twisting things !

Findingmypurposeinlife · 09/09/2025 18:57

Nope, no one is ever drawn to or chooses to create DV 'drama'. You didn't choose DV in your past relationship. So don't ever be led to believe you did.
Not saying there will be DV here, but it
It seems like you have gone in too deep, too quickly. And you are becoming codependent. Learn how to take a step back when you need to.

Manipulators can also play the game for as long as it takes without the mask falling off. Don't be fooled.

You also only have his word for what happened in his previous relationship(s)

If you say you want space, you need to stick to those boundaries. (Not secretly hoping he will turn up at your door either, or allowing him in if he does)

Original poster

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 18:37

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 09/09/2025 18:32

I get that. Im only saying the shit though arent I.

Right, but given you've only known him for less than 5% of your entire life, he shouldn't be making you feel shit at all, and you certainly shouldn't be worrying about his response to you wanting some space for a few days.

But it's honestly starting to sound like you like the drama that comes with this relationship.

Yeh im not discounting that. We can think we hate drama, but when we've had 21 years of it, we are drawn to it or create it, i get that. That is what concerns me. Is he a good guy and im just creating problems? I have form for that. In therapy i worked out i felt love was highs and lows - intense passion, and crushing lows. I had to do a lot of work to realise that isn't love at all. Not a healthy love anyway.

But you are right. He shouldnt make me feel shit at all not at this stage.

OP posts:

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 09/09/2025 18:32

I get that. Im only saying the shit though arent I.

Right, but given you've only known him for less than 5% of your entire life, he shouldn't be making you feel shit at all, and you certainly shouldn't be worrying about his response to you wanting some space for a few days.

But it's honestly starting to sound like you like the drama that comes with this relationship.

MsPavlichenko · 09/09/2025 18:23

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 17:57

I really appreciate this, and I like your style. I genuinely want to avoid drama and any conflict. Im hugely conflict avoidant and working on that, but also working on enforcing my boundaries. You sound like you know what you are doing. What do i say - he seems to think this is all over, hes blocked her, its all her fault somehow, and we are back to normal. I feel off. I dont want to be dramatic and just go quiet for a few days, but what do i want? I guess I want him to know its still not ok, hes been a knob, and if he wants to be with me, then there can't be any drama and i need feel secure. How do i achieve that in a non-dramatic way? Just going 'i need space' and not talking for a few days will escalate it I think. He will worry/ and panic and hes been ghosted before so I imagine he will just turn up at mine and want to talk about it.

Aghhh...im so crap at this. I jsut want easy and peaceful. I am fighting the huge huge instinct to just dump because I cant bare the drama. Which I know stems from my previous relationships, and you can't have a healthy relationship with a bit of conflict i guess, but i just don't have it in me.

Ps i was in a 21 year dv marriage that i escaped 8 years ago - lot of therapy - but quite frankly im still a bit nuts. !

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There is no reason for him to panic or think he’s being ghosted though is there. Be calm, straightforward and say you need a few days to yourself. You already worrying about his response to a reasonable request is another red flag. Again stop worrying about him/ his reactions. Take some time here. Look at the Freedom Programme.

Findingmypurposeinlife · 09/09/2025 18:16

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 17:57

I really appreciate this, and I like your style. I genuinely want to avoid drama and any conflict. Im hugely conflict avoidant and working on that, but also working on enforcing my boundaries. You sound like you know what you are doing. What do i say - he seems to think this is all over, hes blocked her, its all her fault somehow, and we are back to normal. I feel off. I dont want to be dramatic and just go quiet for a few days, but what do i want? I guess I want him to know its still not ok, hes been a knob, and if he wants to be with me, then there can't be any drama and i need feel secure. How do i achieve that in a non-dramatic way? Just going 'i need space' and not talking for a few days will escalate it I think. He will worry/ and panic and hes been ghosted before so I imagine he will just turn up at mine and want to talk about it.

Aghhh...im so crap at this. I jsut want easy and peaceful. I am fighting the huge huge instinct to just dump because I cant bare the drama. Which I know stems from my previous relationships, and you can't have a healthy relationship with a bit of conflict i guess, but i just don't have it in me.

Ps i was in a 21 year dv marriage that i escaped 8 years ago - lot of therapy - but quite frankly im still a bit nuts. !

Show quote history

You are now saying, if you tell him 'I need space' you imagine he will 'worry and panic as he has been ghosted before' and 'just turn up at your door to 'talk about it'?? You are literally giving him excuses - it's YOU saying he will 'worry and panic'. He categorically WON'T have any reason to 'worry and panic' if you just explain reasonably you need some space. And you should be able to do that in a mature loving relationship.
If he turns up at your door even after you have requested some space, thats even more worrying.
You need to give yourself a chance to breathe. It all sounds so suffocating and intense.

Original poster

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 18:12

I get that. Im only saying the shit though arent I. The good is he has made me feel secure, loved, happy, seen, and I haven't just felt like he only likes me for sex/fancies me. Thats what usually happens. This man makes me feel that all my weirdness and quirks are adorable and he just wants to be by my side. Weirdly before this he was very protective of me, and of us, and it was lovely. We had the passion side, but also the wanting to be together and do things together and talk endlessly. I have some weird geeky interests and he just follows blindly cos he says he loves seeing me light up about them. Hes met all my friends and family who say he just looks smitten and is so attentive. So there is heaps and heaps of good. Up until sunday. People will say hes love-bombing of course, well hes the best actor in the world who has really really put in the hours. he comes to my hobby for hours on end every week, apparently looking at me like a love sick puppy when im engaging in it (my friends words not mine).

So my head is like 'its a fucking facebook bullshit non-drama why do you even care?' to 'no this really is a super shit thing to do'.

OP posts:

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 09/09/2025 18:04

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 17:13

Help me edit this please. Too much? not enough? Be gentle with me, Im actually quite upset now. I have realised this all came up on sunday night and hes been here or ive been in work. Today ive barely worked and Ive finally had a chance to really think it through. I am a huge overthinker though....

"Ive had time today to reflect over what’s gone down and it just doesn’t sit right with me, I tried to bury it but last night and this morning felt ‘off’. You know (and I thought you felt the same) that consistency, calm, security, feeling safe, all deeply matter to me. I thought we were in a love bubble that we were trying to make impenetrable. What has gone down isn’t her fault – you cant say ‘you didn’t know her game’ and ‘she isn’t going to ruin it’ – I don’t care about her or anyone else. Its about you. She owes me nothing. Someone who cheated on you, who actively pursues you, who really wasn’t your ‘friend’, you allowed access to you. That’s not respectful to ‘us’ or yourself tbh. Your motivation – which is either you wanted the attention, you wanted to make her jealous with me, or you want to make me jealous, or you want to keep that door open – is one thing (and none of which cover you in glory). The other is you weren’t protecting ‘us’. And you weren’t protecting me and my feelings. Ive felt hugely secure, happy, and calm with you. Which is what I need and crave. Now for the past couple of days I have felt insecure, confused and mugged off and wondering what the point of all that even was, and if I know you at all. It’s not cool and I deserve way way better.
What it has highlighted to me is I very very much need to calm my farm and slow things down with you. Because really I just don’t really know you at all."

Edited

After writing all that out, why on earth would you want a relationship with this man?

TalulaHalulah · 09/09/2025 18:02

That text you wrote is best for your journal.
But also, surely if you recognise all this about this man, the question is why, after your few days of space, you would go back to him?
Do nothing:
Sleep on it, tell him you have a headache or something, or you are not feeling well (which you are not, you are stressed about this!) and see how you feel in the morning.
You don’t actually owe him an explanation right away.
It’s not that you want to dump him to avoid the drama, it’s that there should not be this drama, so he should go.

Original poster

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 17:57

MsPavlichenko · 09/09/2025 17:19

You really don’t need all this. It’s invited by him to respond. Then you will etc. You’re better keeping it short and sweet. No drama.

You might want to think about your previous relationships, and how they continue to impact on you. Stop thinking about him and his behaviour, and how it makes you feel. It gives him all the power, and leaves you needing him to make you happy or otherwise. You can choose to be happy regardless of him, what he is doing. Also you are clearly getting something from the drama or you’d be trying to dial it down. This is not a criticism, but an observation.

Just take some time. Work on you not him!

My earlier suggestion is fine I think.

Edited

Show quote history

I really appreciate this, and I like your style. I genuinely want to avoid drama and any conflict. Im hugely conflict avoidant and working on that, but also working on enforcing my boundaries. You sound like you know what you are doing. What do i say - he seems to think this is all over, hes blocked her, its all her fault somehow, and we are back to normal. I feel off. I dont want to be dramatic and just go quiet for a few days, but what do i want? I guess I want him to know its still not ok, hes been a knob, and if he wants to be with me, then there can't be any drama and i need feel secure. How do i achieve that in a non-dramatic way? Just going 'i need space' and not talking for a few days will escalate it I think. He will worry/ and panic and hes been ghosted before so I imagine he will just turn up at mine and want to talk about it.

Aghhh...im so crap at this. I jsut want easy and peaceful. I am fighting the huge huge instinct to just dump because I cant bare the drama. Which I know stems from my previous relationships, and you can't have a healthy relationship with a bit of conflict i guess, but i just don't have it in me.

Ps i was in a 21 year dv marriage that i escaped 8 years ago - lot of therapy - but quite frankly im still a bit nuts. !

OP posts:

Findingmypurposeinlife · 09/09/2025 17:52

A 40 year old man who starts mentioning his ex-partner with whom he had a strong bond with, pursued him for a year, is now single and has recently sent him messages, knows exactly what he is doing. Who knows what his ultimate intentions are, but anyone with any emotional intelligence knows this behaviour is hardly conducive to a healthy, happy relationship. Especially so early on.
He has posted "very flattering" photos of you without your consent on his Facebook page and this ex was still on his friends list. You think he is doing it to get her attention. You raise an objection and he tells you it's you he loves and you trust him because you are 'always together' and now he has deleted her. (But only after you told him you were bothered)
You had some family stuff going on in the beginning of the relationship and didn't respond to him in just over 24 hours and he said he won't tolerate that without being told why. You appear to have interpreted that as him being caring. To others it does sound quite controlling.
You are in the driver's seat. It's ultimately your life and your decisions. Choose wisely.

Original poster

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 17:23

i did think about going real aussie and just saying 'yeah you've been a bit of a shit cunt and i need a couple of days'. So maybe ill just do that. Sometimes writing it out just feels better. even if you don't send.

OP posts:

MsPavlichenko · 09/09/2025 17:19

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 17:13

Help me edit this please. Too much? not enough? Be gentle with me, Im actually quite upset now. I have realised this all came up on sunday night and hes been here or ive been in work. Today ive barely worked and Ive finally had a chance to really think it through. I am a huge overthinker though....

"Ive had time today to reflect over what’s gone down and it just doesn’t sit right with me, I tried to bury it but last night and this morning felt ‘off’. You know (and I thought you felt the same) that consistency, calm, security, feeling safe, all deeply matter to me. I thought we were in a love bubble that we were trying to make impenetrable. What has gone down isn’t her fault – you cant say ‘you didn’t know her game’ and ‘she isn’t going to ruin it’ – I don’t care about her or anyone else. Its about you. She owes me nothing. Someone who cheated on you, who actively pursues you, who really wasn’t your ‘friend’, you allowed access to you. That’s not respectful to ‘us’ or yourself tbh. Your motivation – which is either you wanted the attention, you wanted to make her jealous with me, or you want to make me jealous, or you want to keep that door open – is one thing (and none of which cover you in glory). The other is you weren’t protecting ‘us’. And you weren’t protecting me and my feelings. Ive felt hugely secure, happy, and calm with you. Which is what I need and crave. Now for the past couple of days I have felt insecure, confused and mugged off and wondering what the point of all that even was, and if I know you at all. It’s not cool and I deserve way way better.
What it has highlighted to me is I very very much need to calm my farm and slow things down with you. Because really I just don’t really know you at all."

Edited

You really don’t need all this. It’s invited by him to respond. Then you will etc. You’re better keeping it short and sweet. No drama.

You might want to think about your previous relationships, and how they continue to impact on you. Stop thinking about him and his behaviour, and how it makes you feel. It gives him all the power, and leaves you needing him to make you happy or otherwise. You can choose to be happy regardless of him, what he is doing. Also you are clearly getting something from the drama or you’d be trying to dial it down. This is not a criticism, but an observation.

Just take some time. Work on you not him!

My earlier suggestion is fine I think.

Megifer · 09/09/2025 17:19

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 17:13

Help me edit this please. Too much? not enough? Be gentle with me, Im actually quite upset now. I have realised this all came up on sunday night and hes been here or ive been in work. Today ive barely worked and Ive finally had a chance to really think it through. I am a huge overthinker though....

"Ive had time today to reflect over what’s gone down and it just doesn’t sit right with me, I tried to bury it but last night and this morning felt ‘off’. You know (and I thought you felt the same) that consistency, calm, security, feeling safe, all deeply matter to me. I thought we were in a love bubble that we were trying to make impenetrable. What has gone down isn’t her fault – you cant say ‘you didn’t know her game’ and ‘she isn’t going to ruin it’ – I don’t care about her or anyone else. Its about you. She owes me nothing. Someone who cheated on you, who actively pursues you, who really wasn’t your ‘friend’, you allowed access to you. That’s not respectful to ‘us’ or yourself tbh. Your motivation – which is either you wanted the attention, you wanted to make her jealous with me, or you want to make me jealous, or you want to keep that door open – is one thing (and none of which cover you in glory). The other is you weren’t protecting ‘us’. And you weren’t protecting me and my feelings. Ive felt hugely secure, happy, and calm with you. Which is what I need and crave. Now for the past couple of days I have felt insecure, confused and mugged off and wondering what the point of all that even was, and if I know you at all. It’s not cool and I deserve way way better.
What it has highlighted to me is I very very much need to calm my farm and slow things down with you. Because really I just don’t really know you at all."

Edited

He likely won't understand a lot of that op.

a short "i need a few days space" will be fine and if he respects that, then possibly the red flags might be coming down.

Original poster

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 17:13

Help me edit this please. Too much? not enough? Be gentle with me, Im actually quite upset now. I have realised this all came up on sunday night and hes been here or ive been in work. Today ive barely worked and Ive finally had a chance to really think it through. I am a huge overthinker though....

"Ive had time today to reflect over what’s gone down and it just doesn’t sit right with me, I tried to bury it but last night and this morning felt ‘off’. You know (and I thought you felt the same) that consistency, calm, security, feeling safe, all deeply matter to me. I thought we were in a love bubble that we were trying to make impenetrable. What has gone down isn’t her fault – you cant say ‘you didn’t know her game’ and ‘she isn’t going to ruin it’ – I don’t care about her or anyone else. Its about you. She owes me nothing. Someone who cheated on you, who actively pursues you, who really wasn’t your ‘friend’, you allowed access to you. That’s not respectful to ‘us’ or yourself tbh. Your motivation – which is either you wanted the attention, you wanted to make her jealous with me, or you want to make me jealous, or you want to keep that door open – is one thing (and none of which cover you in glory). The other is you weren’t protecting ‘us’. And you weren’t protecting me and my feelings. Ive felt hugely secure, happy, and calm with you. Which is what I need and crave. Now for the past couple of days I have felt insecure, confused and mugged off and wondering what the point of all that even was, and if I know you at all. It’s not cool and I deserve way way better.
What it has highlighted to me is I very very much need to calm my farm and slow things down with you. Because really I just don’t really know you at all."

OP posts:

BuckChuckets · 09/09/2025 16:28

"Early days" and he was already instructing you how to behave so as not to disappoint him.

BuckChuckets · 09/09/2025 16:27

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 15:05

Yeah we'd been texting several times a day, and I was just having a hard time with one of my kids and went quite for like a day and a half. He was upset, cos I hadn't said that I needed space. He was very clear he wouldn't tolerate that. Didn't shout or anything just said consistency is important to him and if i feel i need time away for whatever reason just tell him and thats cool. I respected that. It was early days so I didn't want to be all dramatic telling him my woes, so i just turned my phone off. Wrong call, and I apologised. So thats all i meant.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Swiftie1878 · 09/09/2025 15:53

TwistedWonder · 09/09/2025 14:05

There’s a huge difference between being open and shoeing vulnerability compared to telling someone they’re making you feel vulnerable and insecure imo.

The former is absolutely normal and healthy, the latter really isn’t.

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I don’t agree, but am interested to hear why you think that.

Original poster

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 15:05

Yeah we'd been texting several times a day, and I was just having a hard time with one of my kids and went quite for like a day and a half. He was upset, cos I hadn't said that I needed space. He was very clear he wouldn't tolerate that. Didn't shout or anything just said consistency is important to him and if i feel i need time away for whatever reason just tell him and thats cool. I respected that. It was early days so I didn't want to be all dramatic telling him my woes, so i just turned my phone off. Wrong call, and I apologised. So thats all i meant.

OP posts:

Missj25 · 09/09/2025 15:03

TwistedWonder · 09/09/2025 13:02

What do you mean ‘he won’t tolerate’ you going quiet? Who is he to make demands on you wanting time to yourself?

Honestly why are you trying yourself into a pretzel to avoid any sort of direct conversation with him just to avoid conflict? If you can’t have those sort of conversations without reading on eggshells, then he’s not the one.

It’s only been 6 months - is this how you want to live the rest of your life?

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OP said in the early days , she obviously means she wasn’t responding to messages or whatever , bf thought she was ghosting him ..
I wouldn’t tolerate it either !
You start seeing someone & they contact you when they feel like it or respond when they feel like it ..
Communication is a 2 way street