Am I overreacting or is this a red flag?

He still comes across as aggressive and controlling. I'm glad you're starting to see it.

OP he will NEVER think he did anything wrong… it will ALWAYS be your fault somehow and you will spend so much time trying just that little bit harder to be a little bit better and he will just keep being himself and trampling over your needs and happiness.
You thought he was a good guy, he’s showing you that he isn’t.
You deserve to be happy and have peace in your life and you won’t get either with him x

Hmmmm …. Don’t like the way he said he went back on dating sites cause he hadn’t heard from you , annoyed, so he wanted to torment you ..
Not a good trait to have OP …

OP. Just seen your update. If you really want space for a few days.
Take it.
Stop texting him... that's the same just saying
"Give me Space." "Not really, here's a text, please answer."

Texting when you've asked for space is just demonstrating that you don't mean what you say.

Agreed. If you want space. That message is way too long and has too many challenges in it that he's going to want to defend. Save some of those points for future debates, when you are not to wrung out.

That's the point really.. this whole thing has exhausted you so much you just want a bit of peace - so just say that.

BF... I'm sorry but I've found these past weeks have left me utterly exhausted and I really just need a bit of space for a while and time to regain my equilibrium. I hope you understand.

This whole situation is ENTIRELY OF HIS MAKING. He could have sorted this out at the outset. He has chosen not to. What was he playing at?

I also think that he completely over reacted early on in your relationship when you had an issue with your DC and he went on about not tolerating being ghosted... now your'e scared to ask for space. But you are allowed to withdraw from tense upsetting situations. (and dare I say it - mind games) You are allowed not to have a BF practically move in with you and take up all your time and attention.

You yourself and your DC have the priority for your time and attention!

And truly, I really get it. There must be some magic words or ideas that if communicated would surely make him go back to the lovely guy you fell in love with.

There's not. If he was really lovely, he wouldn't need you to explain this to him. Eventually, you'll meet a man who respects your boundaries and you'll see how different it is.

OP. You don't tell people your boundaries. You just enforce them. They're not boundaries otherwise.

You asked for space. He’s not giving it so take it yourself. Turn off notifications, mute him , whatever. You are walking into another abusive relationship ( already there ). You need to step back to be able to see this.

This may or may not be true, but it is hardly giving you space. It’s the opposite of that.

I agree. It’s very controlling imo. The polar opposite of what a loving partner would do.

OP I did notice he’s almost a decade younger than you and the ex is the same age. I do wonder if this is a factor in your relationship as he’s does seem incredibly immature for a woman your age to be involved with. That’s not a dig at you btw as I’m older than you but I couldn’t be dealing with this juvenile game playing nonsense.

I don’t think coming to watch you do your hobby for hours is adorable. He was probably keeping an eye on you and making sure you weren’t talking to any men.

Morning OP . 😊.
Well if he has her blocked as soon as he knew it upset you , then forget it & move on ..
You get on really well , you are both very attracted to one another , you have great times , these are the things you have said yourself ..

You do need to speak to him about him getting jealous & insecure..
I’d kinda be insisting on counselling there so you guys can have the best possible chance ..
X

If he can't handle you needing a bit of your own space, I'd say that is worse than the keeping tabs on his ex thing. That points to massive insecurity and the potential to be controlling. He may have done nothing wrong, but neither have you. People in good relationships have time to themselves as well. He sounds quite immature in the way he sees a relationship.

Aside from this issue can you not see the countless red flags that SO MANY posters are raising with you?

For what it's worth, I'm late 40s and also love love, passion, sex, I'm not saying you shouldn't want to fall in love, but when someone starts telling me how obsessed they are, confessing undying love etc in the first 6 months, I have to laugh at them. From the very start he's shown signs of love-bombing and controlling behaviour, and I worry that you're going to end up in an abusive relationship.

I don't see he has done anything wrong. Jist because she messaged him something did not say he was agreeing with it and carrying the convo on. Either way the only one I see making drama out of nothing is you. If your not secure then leave the poor guy alone. Shouldn't really matter what friends he has you will always have stirring the pot ones. It's the response back if any at all that would be the problem and the only problem I'm seeing is one your making that's not actually there

He enjoys being pursued by her, and making you jealous is an added bonus.
Sorry OP.

OP you did great!

I know it doesn't feel like that but you sensed something was off, prioritised your own discomfort, reached out to other women to disclose and gain support. You asserted boundaries, and now he's gone away.

That's why we have the boundaries. They keep the cunts away. It's so sad that they turn out to be cunts, but it's even sadder when we stay with them.

OP. Don't talk about your DV with new partners. Not the details. Not how it made you feel. Not how it scarred you. Devise a short paragraph that summarises that aspect of your marriage. Say you have female friends and a therapist if you need to discuss and don't need to talk about it with him.

I've just ended a much shorter relationship. Boundaries. Red flags. I still ignored some early on and it took reflection on him hurting me subsequently in order for me to end it, but we're talking weeks. Last year it took me six months to get out. It took me 17 years to leave my marriage.

It takes practice. You were married a long time. It's like you're learning to ride a bike at 51. It's harder because you're learning so late. You can do this.

And don't discount being attractive. It's a dickhead magnet. Once you learn to spot their moves you'll be able to exploit it a bit too.

Keep going, darling!

Talking is important in any relationship, but so is personal space. (You don't even need a reason/excuse for wanting it)
And you can have both as part of a committed, loving, secure (and healthy) relationship.

It doesn't mean being 'shut out' unless you deliberately choose that narrative.

Yes hanging around for hours watching you do a hobby is very weird! An emotionally healthy person would not do that, they would enjoy the time to themselves and enjoy hearing you tell them about your hobby next time you meet up. He was probably well on his way to becoming quite controlling of all your time and attention. Well done for spotting that something didn't feel right and protecting yourself OP.

Yeah...not good. Showing a few more of his true colours there. And, btw, hanging around watching you at your hobby is weird af, not adorable. He's not the one but you spotted this. That's good! Be kind to yourself.

I'm really happy for you that you see him now. What feels difficult and sad right now is nothing to the pain he could cause if you keep him around. Sending sympathies and hope that you'll find someone worthy of you soon. Sometimes the wrong one has to exit for the right one to step through.