To ask...Do kids always see through Disney Dads in the end??

My two adult sons can now see their father for what he is but it’s taken them until their mid twenties to start to fully understand.

I’m one of a large family with a Disney dad.
We all have different relationships with our parents.

Did you ever hear the expression the same water that hardens the egg softens the potato’? This is so true in my experience.
In your shoes OP I would put my time and effort into raising resilient children in a home with love and boundaries in equal measure.

I’m not sharing the perspective you want to hear as I’m in my 20s and certainly do not have children that are 18+.

However I’m posting as I think you’re misunderstanding the parent-child relationship. If your dad has been okay with you the majority of your life, has been generous at times, plus you have happy memories with him, what exactly are you (as the child) going to “see through”? Most children aren’t trying to suss out whether they have a “Disney dad” or not, he’s just dad to them; they’re not going to overthink that dynamic. They’re only going to think there’s something wrong with their dad if he leans outside of a societal norm? given that society has higher expectations for mothers vs lower for fathers, it doesn’t really sound like your ex is doing anything egregious enough to be “figured out”.

it’s not ideal for you, but the truth is your children are more likely to attribute any things they missed out on to growing up in a split household, as opposed to anything being specifically poor about their dad. At the end of the day, most children just want to be close to their parents, not analyse their behaviour or drive a potential wedge. Most children seek the approval of their parents, especially if they don’t see them often, so it’s more likely they’ll overlook shortfalls.

My parents separated in 1970 and things were different. Noone talked about shared parenting. It was often thought better for divorced men to fade away, especially once a stepdad was on the scene. "Less confusing".

My dad used to descend unexpectedly for a day out or a meal less than once a month. It was always a treat.
My mum did all the stuff to keep me alive. But she was never massively emotionally engaged.

To cut a long story short, 55 years later they're both dead. I remember my dad with huge affection. I adored him. My kids adored him. He was useless but he brought love and warmth to my life.
I remember my mother far less fondly. We got on fine for most of my life, chatted regularly, had things in common. But when I had my own kids, I realised that she had been useless in a different way and i find it hard to forgive some of the things she did.
We all get to reevaluate our parents. Parents are, like everyone else, flawed individuals. It's entirely possible to appreciate people for what they bring your your life rather than how they match up to someone else or to an ideal.

Growing up, one of my childhood friends had the archetypal Disney-dad. "Susie" (not her real name) lived with mum (and later step-dad) after dad left when she was about 5 or 6, and she stayed with dad EOW - he (or often his mum) picked her up from school on Friday and dropped her back off on Sunday afternoon. It was the days before mobile phones/email so the communication between the parents was logistically difficult as they didn't see each other often (he would pull up outside often when he dropped her off and watch until she was let in) and he would avoid mum's phone calls when it didn't suit him.

Every other weekend Susie would have amazing weekends at his house. Takeaway dinners. New toys. Always going out with daddy - cinema, theme parks, ice skating. Plenty of weekends away. In the school holidays he'd take her on big fancy holidays - Caribbean, Disney World, etc. The holidays were always booked without any consultation with mum and he would tell Susie before mum. On more than one occasion mum had to cancel her pre-booked caravan holiday in Wales because Susie had arrived home from weekend at dad's ridiculously excited because they were going on safari/to Disney World/to the Caribbean at the same time.

As others have said he never made her do homework, barely had any rules, didn't take her to doctors appointments or the dentist, didn't do the school uniform shop, or drag her with him to do the day to day household tasks that are part of everyday life (picking up dry cleaning, taking the cat to the vets). At his house she never had to tidy her mess, do any chores or eat her vegetables. There was no bedtime. For many years mum had no car and they went everywhere on the bus. Dad had a fancy sports car.

Dad (without much consultation with mum) enrolled her in a private secondary school (he took her to the open day without mum even knowing at that point) and stopped paying any child support to mum as he was paying the school fees. A couple of years later (if that) he stopped paying the school fees saying he couldn't afford it, and step-dad took on extra shifts at work and mum took a bar job on the weekends Susie was at dad's to cover the school fees for a school they hadn't wanted in the first place but Susie was now very attached to.

Unlike other dads on this thread he was always very interested in Susie's life. He loved hearing all about school, dance concerts (that he could never attend because of work!) and what was happening in her friendship groups. As she got to be a teenager he undermined mum all the time - she was allowed out with no curfew at his house and he'd pick her up whatever time she wanted if she went out. I stayed overnight at both dad's house and mum's house and dad's was way more fun - we could watch 18 films, stay up as late as we wanted and nobody would tell us off if our music was too loud or our skirts to short. When mum wouldn't let her have a TV in her room when she was a teenager, dad just bought her one and sent her home with it. When mum said she couldn't go out with friends on Sunday nights after a weekend at dad's as she had never done her homework, dad would just drop her off at the cinema with her friends and phone mum to say she needed to pick her up at 8pm or whatever.

Me and Susie grew apart in our early 20s (pre social media and I'd moved away at that point) but at that point Susie still adored dad, thought mum was always the bad guy and hated her stepdad (who was usually the one left picking up the financial shit dad left them in).

As she became an adult her relationship with her dad (and stepmum) became even more like friends. They'd go out to fancy restaurants and on fancy holidays and dad would pay. If she came home at 4am when she stayed with him and woke the whole house up because she'd forgotten her key nobody bothered - often they were out with her anyway. For a while she drifted between different jobs and being unemployed. Dad would pay for her hair and her nails, and bought her a car (but didn't pay the insurance after the first year) meanwhile mum was moaning because she was hanging round the house all day making a mess and contributing nothing - and mum was the one keeping a roof over her head.

I don't know if things changed as she matured or maybe had her own kids - but I could also imagine her dad being a great Disney grandad! But by her early 20s Susie still had absolutely wonderful times with her dad while her mum just seemed to get more and more exhausted and stressed by the day to day grind of adulting and parenting - which Susie never recognised. Sorry!

I don't mean oldest kid paid, she did the admin for me while I was in hospital!

Oldest child can't be bothered with him.

Youngest child adores him, hangs on his every word.

Both, now adult kids, phone me every day. They see their dad once a month at most and the oldest always makes sure he pays. She clocked quite early on that his time and money is for him, but my time and money is for my kids.
I was very unwell about 10 years ago and the oldest (16 at the time) took over bill paying. She saw EXACTLY what he contributed, and obviously then started looking at how he put in in other ways. Youngest never saw that.

Oddly, he's a nice guy though. He sends me flowers, pays for family dinners etc. I think he just has zero understanding that kids cost money on a day to day basis. And so youngest just thinks he's kind. Oldest realises he's not mean, but not really paying attention to reality either. Iyswim.

I would be really resentful in that situation. I wouldn't want to be the "bad" parent. Even if it was only sometimes.

I'm fortune that my children's father isn't allowed to contact or cinnincuate with me or the children ( he was found guilty of assaulting me when my youngest was 8 months old... he is now almost 9 😅 )

Whilst some aspects have been difficult I know I would be really really resentful if their dad was a part of their lives and was doing the disney dad act.

I think some get it when they have their own children,

Yes, they see through it. At first he saw them once a month as it was four hours in the car each way but as they got older they didn’t want to go. We then agreed to him having them for part of each school holiday but he frequently ‘forgets’ to book leave. My eldest hasn’t seen him for several years now. Youngest did ask once if they could move in with him as he doesn’t make them do chores but he said no. I’ve never once bad mouthed him and we are on friendly terms.

My ds didn't, he thinks he's marvellous

Anecdotally yes. My daughter is 18 and her Dad had her EOW, I say he had her, actually his mam had her and he would stay at his mam's house to see her, only sometimes he had a better offer. She thought he was the bee's knees for years as a kid but once she got to about 10-12 she started to realise what he was actually like, by 14 she didn't go over there anymore. She now sees him occasionally because she wants to see her younger sister but she really dislikes him as a person and hasn't forgiven him for not being there for her as a child. This is all without me ever bad mouthing him (although I do occasionally now when she's ranting about him to me)

Absolutely agree with this

We’re 8 years post divorce. DD’s are 14 and 12, ex has EOW and beyond that he’s not an active participant. His relationship with DD1 is hanging on by a thread, he treats her quite poorly. She often will see him for short periods but won’t do EOW.

They see past the expensive days out, holidays and activities, mostly because he doesn’t do the basic stuff. And they feel like unwelcome guests at his house. He recently chose to take his girlfriend on holiday rather than have his Father’s Day weekend with them. Let’s just say he won’t live that one down anytime soon! What’s that saying…daughters are less forgiving than wives and he has two!

What I worry about (as a single parent whose dad has them EOW) is that I’m always going to be the one making them do things they don’t want to do and parenting in less than ideal circumstances and around everything else.

And sometimes that objectively makes me a worse parent. If my ex is ill he just won’t have the children. If I’m ill, even when I’ve been seriously so, I have the children regardless and muddle through. My income is more impacted by having them all the time. TBH probably so is my patience and energy for them. A lot of what I do do won’t (reasonably) be noticed by such young and probably even much older children - arranging play dates, clubs, parties, buying clothes etc, getting up at night for them etc.

My ex doesn’t/ won’t do homework, phonics, swimming lessons, taking them to school, dentist, haircuts, shoe shopping or any of the other things they don’t necessarily want to do. And because he won’t do them I have to spend more time on them on my weekends. And he essentially doesn’t have a source of conflict with them as he’s rarely trying to make them do something they don’t want to or where there’s time pressure etc.

I agree I could be an amazing parent 4 days a month if judged only on those 4 days.

I would absolutely want the children to maintain a good relationship with their dad though. And I’m not sure they will ever “see through “ it except perhaps when they have children themselves. I certainly didn’t realise the toll having children mostly on your own can take until I was living it.

my sister has a Disney dad. She adored him for so long and often used his money spinning as a stick to beat our mother with (teenage hormones- she’s lovely) She started to see when she had children that her dad wasn’t all that. And now, years on, she has expressed such sadness that her dad is so superficial. On every level. Their relationship has always been transactional- he doesn’t know her and nor she him. And when she’s has tried to get to know him she’s found out that he’s not that into her. It’s hurt her so much. I wish the scales hadn’t fallen from her eyes tbh. She was happier when she thought he loved her and she him. And now she kind of resents me for my loving dad (in no way perfect, in fact often neglectful, but present and loving) Which also hurts me. I wish men were better. It’s shocking how common Disney dads are and how socially accepted it is for men to simply throw money at “the problem”

Similar situation with my ex. Once kids hit teens they didn’t want to traipse an hour away, they wanted to see their mates. It dropped to once a month. They also began to see through his bullshit. (I never slated him to them( Since uni they see him a few times a year, he’s not in their day to day life. But I am.

Im not sure id described my ex as a disney dad as such but let me lay it out.

We broke up when ds was 11 months old because I finally realised we (ds and i) were not his priority. I threw him out! It was shitty for a while but we finally got on for the sake of ds.

DS would stay at his dad's every weekend until school, then every other, and then weeks here and there over the school holidays.

DS loved it, so much fun, no bossy mummy, no fruit and veg for a week/weekend, lots of chips, nuggets etc!!

Now DS is 11, he hasn't stayed at his dad's for over a year, barely wants to actually speak to him, sees talking to his dad as a chore to do rather than a want!!

There is never a "omg, I cant wait to tell dad!" moment, he actually cant be arsed with him.

His very valid reason is that he heard his dad speak very badly to his own mum (DS's nan) and now DS's thought is, if he can speak like that to his own mum, then he's capable of speaking to him like it so he just doesn't want to be in that position!

He figured that out at 10 years old all by himself!

Mine are 14 and 16 now and have decided that they don’t want to stay over at his anymore and now see him for a couple of hours sometimes every week, sometimes every couple of weeks.
He severely pissed me off by saying I was a bad mother about a year ago despite me doing absolutely everything for them since he left to be with ow 10 years ago. Yes, he had more money and did better things with them, took them on better holidays but he was never actually interested them. It was all for show so he could have the facade of being the best Dad 🙄
Anyway, since his bad mother comment I said that I would no longer facilitate them spending time with him and he would have to arrange it with the kids directly and he is amazed that they are not falling over themselves to see him
I never bad mouthed him and always waved them off with a smile but kids realise when they get older and make their own decisions!