To ask...Do kids always see through Disney Dads in the end??

I think what you do is instill good values in them, like good people keep their word and don’t cancel last minute etc and you deserve better and to be better than that. Don’t name their dad just teach this as a general rule and value.

I have a psychology degree myself but most children aren’t going to look at their parents through a psychologist lens. Did you analyse your own parents in this manner when you were your children’s age?

For example I remember my dad being present and generous at birthdays. My lasting memory of that is happiness, it’s not going to be based on whether I saw him frequently in the weeks beforehand or whether he worked too much or whether my mum attended parents evening instead of him. That kind of tit for tat doesn’t really register for the average person when processing memories.

You only have to look at threads on this forum to see how many people pander to their parents including badly behaved dads, to see your answer - for most people there isn’t going to be a huge epiphany that their parents aren’t perfect, most people tolerate that. It’s not likely that your children will have some epiphany where they don’t want a relationship with their dad.

Can I ask though how you manage this though? Or what the expectations are?

Genuinely curious as we have a similar situation currently with DSD.

We would love to have her more often but we don't live near her friends / social life / school etc (mum moved away, not us!) so when she is due to be with us (was 2-3 nights a week, now more like 1-2 at a push) she asks if she can change dates / have a friend come over with her / go to a friends instead...

DH doesn't want to force her to come over as we know how important friendships and social life are to teens. Also inevitably her world will end if she doesn't go and hang around the local town on a Saturday! But likewise if we allowed every request then we would never see her?!

(FWIW DH definitely is not a Disney Dad but can see how from the outside it looks like that when he / we have her less and less!)

Yes in the case of mine. Got all the big stuff from their dad (games consoles, literal Disney holidays, etc). But as they got older they realised they didn’t see their dad very much and treats aside, he wasn’t actually a very nice man, very hot and cold. They are adult now, they do have a relationship with him but it’s not a deep one. They see him a couple of times a year, they do fun stuff (at his expense) but they don’t miss him in between. They basically use him (with no discouragement from me, he deserves their relationship with him to be transactional).

Completely agree. I barely saw the DCs all summer they were always out with their friends at someone's birthday party picnic or doing their volunteer jobs. Just as it should be. I'm normally in bed before they are! 😁

We observe my BIL's family cluster fuck.
BIL was an absent parent when his kids were young, off earning money, having his independent adventures whilst SIL kept home going.
They split.
BIL had to quickly learn to parent. Dragged his mum into it. We refused to become cousin, eow childcare. My kids weren't interested in traveling hours to some grim soft play or being forced to entertain their emotionally unregulated cousins at our house. I was also not up for being used whilst BIL did hobbies with DH.
BIL shouldn't have had kids in the first place, they will always be less interesting then his travel, hobbies or work.
The kids get a double whammy because his ex has her own issues and after losing her career,being a single parent during marriage then scrambling around after is understandably but sadly vocally bitter.
MIL is also a 'favourites' kind of grand parent. So her favouring the oldest sibling and ignoring the other has split the kids bond.
Each kid just wants attention which plays out in different ways and ultimately they will have a lot to unpick later on.
The adults have all let them down and the older they get, the more unpleasant I find their company even for short bursts.

I can only suggest you live your best life, model calm and confidence and use eow to let out all the frustration and anger that comes with raising kids.

I am in a similar situation. Ex has DS (12) for part of school vacations (lives overseas). He is much wealthier, takes DS on expensive trips, skiing, French open and the like, but has never done day-to-day parenting, made him do his homework, cooked him meals, nursed him if he is poorly etc. If he visits and has DS during school term, he gets his parents to move in and help. DS loves his dad, but has realized that his dad spends money on him rather than time. I think DS also saw through him because ironically my Ex rants about me to my son, and DS is not impressed with that. It doesn't align with DS' knowledge of me, and I don't rant about Ex (I think it is ridiculous behavior, and children should be allowed to be children!). I think children know instinctively who will put them first, and who is there for them unconditionally.

Thankyou Tammy ❤he is getting there. He's been keeping himself busy with meet ups with his friends & starting 6th form but he knows I am always here if he wants to talk. 'DF' thought he could use his emotional abuse tactics on a boy with ASD who was grieving a family friend at the time but these kids aren't 5 anymore and they're all a lot wiser than we sometimes give them credit for. Dad always said to me kids grow up and start seeing it for themselves. His loss as they say.

I think most kids see though their Disney dads eventually, especially if the dads weren’t around a great deal before the split.

In your case OP, unless your ex moves closer to you, the visits to Dad will lose their appeal when your kids go through their teens. In my experience there is literally nothing a parent can offer a 16 year old that is more fun than hanging out with their mates. They simply won’t want to travel 3 hours to sit in Dad’s house looking at their phones and hearing about the party they’re missing. Of course they’ll barely talk to you either, but you will at least be under the same roof as them, so you’ll get a daily grunt and an occasional conversation!

I say this as someone from separated parents and who most of my friends growing up had separated parents...

You do not want your kids to "see through" their other parent, but very sadly and likely will have do at some point. You do not want your kids to have the relationship your ex does or doesn't deserve with them, but the one your kids do. And you should not hold it against your kids, even silently, if they do.

What you should hope for is that your children will have the best possible relationship with both of their parents and grow up appreciating that they have two parents, who have both supported and raised them even if just contributing in their way, and ultimately that they are loved.

In your case those Disney weekends are the love that your ex gives that you may not be able to, and the constant daily nurture is yours to give that he can't (or won't). Yours is obviously way way harder but also vastly more important, and your kids will love you more for it. But they can still love their Dad as well for his.

If you do anything I'd try to hold him to them. As sitting on the doorstep waiting for Dad can be brutally painful and that is an issue.

I get the feeling OP would also be complaining if her ex wanted them half the time 🙄

But you has children with him knowing what he was like, it cant have been a surprise

So give him 50/50 otherwise how else can you not use 'Disney dad' what can he possibly do now for you to drop that label?

A child has 2 parents so it is about those children you decided to have not what you want

You don't want them thinking this is a good way to be a dad, they'll then think it's fine with their kids etc and perhaps choose a shit partner, because being a crap father was normalised.

@Meep2024
your poor ds….. hope he’s ok now x

They might not see "through" them as such. But growing up with a mostly absent parebt doesnt create that bond.
My dad is a lovely man. I love him. But he is like a kind uncle who I saw every 3 weekend. He yas very very sick recently and i know my sister struggles with the idea I have not been able to go over to see him. But she has a father daughter relationship with him I dont. As she grew up with him..

Basically you reep what you sow

I agree. But at least you can say from your side you tried to always facilitate the meet ups and the DCs will remember that too.

DCs 'DF' once got mad that DD hadn't called him all week. Despite her forewarning them she was going on camp for the week with her youth club. Apparently she was meant to stop mid kayak clamber out of the river to find a signal in the arse end of nowhere to ring him back there and then when it could have just waited. There was no emergency and she was having fun. Like kids are meant to! He barely ever took them anywhere!

Yes they do. My Mum and Dad were separated when we were young but he was always very present even once DSis and I had grown up and had our own DC. It had it's rocky patches through the years but he would always want to sort out any issues. He died some years ago now.

I split from DCs 'DF' when my DS was 18months old & DD was 4. I've always encouraged a relationship between them and I know how much they loved their Dad. They are both teenagers now. DD has stayed once in the last few years. DS has been staying less frequent now he wants to hang out with his friends more. They both recently went NC after he sent DS a particularly nasty WhatsApp. DD hit the roof at him for breaking DSs heart. Basically, the Disney Dad wears off and the mask always slips in the end.

TBH, I wouldn't let them travel that far EOW. I did that when exH moved the same sort of distance away and looking back, really wish I hadn't. I was trying to keep the peace, it's good for the DC to have a relationship with their father, blah blah blah... I wish I'd stuck up for them and said they could visit during the holidays (shared, not all of them) but in the meantime he would need to come to see them at weekends during term time.

They deserve to be able to do normal kid things like swimming lessons and sports matches on a Saturday morning, and use the weekend to rest and have fun, not be dragged up and down a motorway and stuck in traffic for hours because their father is a selfish arse.

I split with my kids father when they were not far off your children's ages. He also had largely checked out of fatherhood in the run up to that, and now they see him a couple of times a month for the day (no overnights - perhaps 3 times in the last 5 years - his and their choice).

They are realistic about him. I am the fixed point, the family, whereas he - like others have said before - is treated more like a friendly uncle. But I think they already had that distant relationship with him when we were together (entirely his own doing), and now I'm not continuously talking about him/pushing him that's just settled into this distance.

They don't think to message him or call him during the week (they do me - the couple of times I've gone away for work and left them with grandparents). I don't think they have daddy issues - they just seem indifferent (which is very much matching his energy TBH). I don't think they see him as a role model even, it's almost like he's just out there on his own little shelf in their heads. I think given the situation, that's probably the best outcome I could hope for.