To ask...Do kids always see through Disney Dads in the end??

We have had to work very hard to rebuild our relationship after a period of very little contact.

DF pulled DC out of the local grammar, as part of the move to his, ending the planned uni path. An apprenticeship was arranged. DC hasn't fulfilled their full potential ( but then DF didn't want his DC’s to acheive more than he did). It is really difficult to talk about and I don't think DC and I will ever agree about the way the path was changed.

We don't see loads of each other. DC is very independent. I can only accept what happened otherwise our relationship would be damaged irretrievably.

Sounds just like our set up. (He did pay maintenance but it was a weapon to use against me). My younger son (adult) says he regards him more as an uncle he occasionally sees.

My partner would have been classed as a Disney dad I guess when his son was young.
He would do all the fun stuff with him and only the occasional parenting. His ex wasn’t very sporty/outdoorsy or even into day trips / road trips etc. my partner is the complete opposite and would take him away for weekends in the campervan, paddle boarding, fishing, theme parks etc as well as just having him at home along with football practice every week.
his ex stopped contact because he couldn’t just drop everything when it suited her and because he had to cancel the odd time due to traveling for work. He was made to feel like his dad didn’t have time for him or wanted to spend time with him. As his son got older and got a mobile phone he would contact his dad and they would exchange messages daily. He realised that his dad done the best he could given the circumstances.

he’s now living with us full time and barely speaks to him mum.

I didn't have a 'Disney Dad', did have a Dad who had me one night a week though and patted himself on the back for doing the bare minimum.

I'm sure I told this story on here before but as a little kid I hated having my hair washed and used to play up awful for my Mum who had no choice but to crack on with it because obviously it needed to be washed. One week she put a note in my overnight bag for Dad's telling him he needed to wash it because she hadn't had chance - she told me it was in there so Dad wouldn't miss it.

When I got to my Dad's I immediately cried because I didn't want my hair washed to which he said 'okay so we won't then' and he didn't. Sent me home and left Mum to do the actual parenting and let her deal with my tears and tantrums because he couldn't be bothered.

Obviously as a young child I thought this was marvellous. As an adult I think he's a twat who was happy to let Mum be the 'bad guy' because it was easier to just give in than to actually do any difficult parenting.

There are lots of other stories about him I could tell but ultimately I do like to think children eventually grow up and realise decent, loving parenting isn't presents, expensive holidays, day trips and letting children have their own way all the time.

I think this is very naive. You can’t force someone to parent, not legally or otherwise.

I think my experience of an EOW parent is quite typical so I’ll describe it. I have tried to get the children’s dad to do more multiple times. He agreed to do one weeknight evening recently. This would be extremely useful to me as it would give me a longer day in the office once a week. He cancelled one agreed evening, brought the children back early once and has just cancelled another. So it clearly isn’t happening. He frequently cancels a night on his weekends. He had them one extra day during the summer holidays despite having loads of leave and me asking in multiple ways if he could cover some days.

If he did decide to do 50/50 by some miracle I’ve no confidence this would result in him doing homework, swimming, school admin etc as he does none of this in the time he does have them. And this is with me sending reading books, offering to explain phonics / homework to him (which he says he doesn’t understand), booking swimming etc.

But if fathers want 50/50 the courts are now very sympathetic to that unless there are significant safeguarding issues. So it is open to most men to apply for 50/50 even if the mother is against it and most will be successful.

Personally I would absolutely go 50/50 with an involved coparent. I don’t actually enjoy looking after two young children mostly alone alongside a very demanding job a lot of the time.

I do think EOW can inherently create a Disney dad dynamic even for an otherwise good parent but imo most dads are choosing that.

Mine didn't even get a Disney Dad. He moved to the other end of the country, didn't pay for them, saw them very occasionally (as in maybe twice a year), took them for a week's camping in Cornwall a couple of times.

At first they idolised him, but by the time they started to reach their teens (there are five of them, seven years from first to last, so VERY close in age) they realised that he might talk about loving them and missing them but it was completely in his power to do something about this - and he didn't.

I was the one keeping it all together on zero money. And now they are all adult they regard their dad with a kind of exasperated fondness, like you would an incontinent uncle. They love him, I'm sure, and they see him under their own steam but I am the one that hears all their news and gets asked for advice.

Is a 6 hour round trip every other weekend really in the DCs’ best interests? Doubt it, especially once they reach secondary age. For example it’d be tiring and make it hard for them to do any local extracurricular activities and attend friends’ birthdays and things.

Before agreeing to it would be seeking info on other such cases and legal advice, if you can afford it.

Yep, they see through, even when the break up is later. My dd told my ex that he is lucky she ever visits as he never made an effort to get to her events as a kid!

I have heard that too.
Parents that do the lions share of the work, don't always get the best treatment.

3 of my friends children have moved to their dads at 16 but all but one have come back realising. My own child is currently in the process of realising that her dad is a tight bastard and fits her in around his other kids.

At least Disney dads try to give their kids a good time. My ex seemed to think being a dad was saying no. It made life easier for me but I would have liked my dd to have felt loved by her father

Invite the friend too where possible if they'd be willing? My BF said one of her favourite childhood memories is the days out my late Father included her too. Obviously a bit more tricky once their teenagers and where they want to go but they'll appreciate the offer.

I protected my kids from knowing what a selfish git their father could be. There was no way I was going to cause them that hurt and that feeling of rejection when they were too young to handle it. They came to their own conclusions in their own time and I stand by me not making him out to be the bad guy when they were too young to process that. As adults they still have a relationship with him but it’s on their terms now.

They get their standards from me. They see their dad as the role model of how not to do things.

Eldest has a type of distant relative vibe with him last saw him about a year ago possibly longer. Younger one basically not interested tells people he doesn’t have a dad saw him over two years ago and has no interest in a relationship with him in the future.
Their father or deadbeat might text the eldest now and again. When eldest would go and see him she inevitably would call me come get me I’m bored he has left me in the house.
my children learnt when young he would let them down not show up etc. Always would have others around never did one in one with them they learnt they weren’t his priority.

But equally I feel strongly that he doesn't deserve a good relationship with them due to him constantly choosing himself first.

I can see where you're coming from absolutely. It's a tough – and unfair – pill to swallow.

Ultimately, however, I don't think we should wish children negative or difficult relationships with their parents. At the end of the day, they are the ones who are ultimately going to suffer from that – for the rest of their lives.

On the other hand, you also don't want them growing up with the sense that it's OK to do this to your children.

In an ideal world they grow up worldly and sensible – having a positive relationship with the parents while also acknowledging their faults and but with the ability to be level-headed about them. Alas, I think that's rare with the child/parent relationships, and more often than not it's simply just very painful wounds that can never really heal.

Which is the worse?

I don’t think DH is a Disney dad but might be helpful. Him and his ex got divorced when kids where 8 and 13 , he was still very much present in the kids life with taking them to school and picking them up , had them 3 days a week etc , he did fight for them in court but in the country where they live mum almost always gets custody .
when the youngest was 12 he had to go and work abroad . So the dynamic changed a lot . In the meanwhile we got together a year after he moved abroad , kids still see him and us lots but tends to be 2 to 4 weeks in one go a few times a year instead of weekends . They are now much older 18 and 24 and they are a great relationship with DH and a big part of our life’s .
I know it’s not comparable to most dead beat dads some of you are mentioning , as DH is a brilliant dads and step dad , and his ex is actually the one that’s very narcissist ( moved them into a house with a new partner they didn’t meet before , moved them city mid year , constantly left the kids alone until midnight since they where 12 , extremely self centred etc ) , so I think the kids see him as a safe port .

@AlliWantIsARoomSomewheeeere I am not and never have been in this situation but I sometimes feel, when reading these threads, that mums often try to protect the image of the doting dad! why? tell the kids the truth. tell them dad cheated and now has another girlfriend. tell them he doesnt want to see them on saturday because he wants to go out drinking with his mates. tell them all, warts and all. and if dad is not paying maintenance for kids, tell them, especially if dad is still working full time. dont keep all the secrets, let them find out what a shit dad he actually is.

Is it Disney when NRP does it, but if resident parent does trips/ treats alongside the daily grind its good parenting?
NRP presumably wants to spend quality time in the precious EOW scenarios, hence more 'spoiling'
I've anecdotally have seen more cases of RP playing games to make NRP look unreliable, constantly moving goalposts.
I also wonder if sex of the kids effects the outcomes. Do boys who see dad 'pushed out' become sympathetic particularly when they become fathers?

My mum always referred to my dad as a Disney Dad, I don't agree. She chose to have an affair and to leave my dad for the OM and she chose to take him to court for custody and she won and he was given visitation once a week. Then she spent the rest of my childhood complaining that she had to do all of the hard parenting stuff while he got to do all of the "fun" stuff with me on sundays, she was always slagging him off and any time I needed new clothes/shoes or money for anything she would sneerlingly tell me to "ask old moneybags".

My dad never wanted that situation, he would have been a full-time dad if she hadn't taken me away from him. As he usually only got to see me once a week he liked to spend that time doing nice things and days out with me. Having said that he also spent a lot of time helping me with homework and school projects etc, something my mum never did.

My pals two have a Disney dad. One has realised what hes really like, one hasn’t seen through him yet although is mahoosively pissed off that he keeps cancelling taking her kids for the day during the holidays and shes scrabbling round for daycare at the last minute so she can work. (He has firm for cancelling if a woman is interested in him and thinks he might be in with a shout, the dc should know that by now after 30 years)

Re your Christmas plans and Disney dad staying over Christmas Eve, . I know why youve done that (3 hour commute) but it’s potentially going to cause confusion with them thinking mummy and daddy are back together. You might get more advice on here about how others navigate this difficult time.