EXH Got Remarried

As your dc are grown ups it’s up to them to speak with him about how it’s made them feel. It’s really nothing to do with you now and if the kids come to you then tell them if they have an issue to speak to dad.

sounds like they just eloped which is pretty common, actually what I have planned with my OH for December. We plan on telling everyone at our ‘engagement’ party which will actually be our reception.

The posters suggesting that children in their 20's don't care if one of their parents remarries are way off the mark. Of course they fucking care. A woman they don't even know has "suddenly" become a significant part of their lives and their father didn't even have the decency to tell them. I assume those posters have, as yet, only got young kids. Just because you turn 18, doesn't mean you don't give a stuff about what your own flesh and blood does. By the same token it would be abnormal for any mother not to care when her children are upset. You never stop feeling their pain (or joy) no matter whether they're 10 or 50.

I feel for you and your children OP, I agree that it is a sneaky selfish thing to do.
Take care OP and I hope you and your kids are OK

On I misunderstood. That's really messed up and strange.

My mother did this and I was shocked by how much it hurt me. I was an adult and she has been married a few times, it would have been nice to be told before even if she didn’t want us there as guests

But he didn't elope.

He had a full blown wedding and Reception - just chose not to invite his side of the family

They didn't elope though. They had a wedding with guests, just chose to exculde his adult children.

So what. I eloped and didn't tell anything to my family or sibling. I was an adult, my own person and it was my choice. It has nothing to do with them. I informed them quite a lot later after the fact.

Equally I wouldn't be bothered if either of my parents would do this. It's their life, their choice and who they live with, marry/don't marry has nothing to do with me.

Well, I guess it is in a way similar when people don't like their in laws and are lc with them and spouse is kept separate from the parents. But in this case spouse and children are kept separate.

Wait...they had a big wedding?! Not a "secret" register office visit. Jeez. All her family shwoed up and he didnt even tell his own children? Were his extended family present? Well, he has made it clear that his children with you are his old family and therefore in the past. Makes is easier in a way.

But how can he have hidden the fact he had a previous family? She was at his daughters 21st…surely other family members were there?

If your children are upset, then of course it affects you and you need to be there for them to vent their feelings.

However, what your ex does is really none of your business any more, and your children are adults, so they too need to realise that, as upset as they may be, he is his own person and can do as he likes. If they don’t like it, they need to adjust their expectations and their relationship with him.

Im sure he has his reasons for keeping the whole thing secret from his family (and I’m sure they won’t be justified!)

Today, you all know him a little better than you did before. Make of that what you will.

He’s revoked his will by marrying so he needs to see a wills specialist.

It doesn't sit well with me because I just can't imagine not wanting my children to be part of my wedding. When my exH got remarried, he's wifes children didn't come to the wedding and in fact that have no relationship with him at all. There never in the same room as him and she makes separate plans at christmas as to when she sees them. It baffles me as she's a nice person with a decent job and education but for some reason this is all worth it for him.

I think he should have told his own children. It’s very odd not to. Hopefully they’re not too upset.

@wakeupsmelltheroses I already thought he was being a shitty human, now I know for sure he is. That is incredibly cruel. I think you should support your children in this and let them know that whatever they are feeling is perfectly fine. I know a lot of people say you should stay out of it, but it will be confusing for your kids if you pretend you are OK with them being treated that way.

edit. Just saw it was bells and whistles. He's an arse.

Was the wedding all bells and whistles or a basic signing of a form in the registry office?

If it's the latter, there should be no beef here.

A bit strange of him. Did he not want his daughters there?! Did they just elope with no family? Or did they have her side and just his parents and siblings?! If so it seems like they're trying pretend he was never married before therefore hiding his children! It all sounds bizzare!

Has he thought about what happens after he dies?

Any will written before this new marriage is now null and void

If he dies before she does, she'll inherit and potentially pass his estate to any children she has

Not telling his children he's remarried feels like he's done with them and they can expect nothing more from him

It’s his and his wife’s day they can get married however they like but he could at least have had the decency to tell his children before you.

however in my circle of friends and family the people who have got married this way (in secret, no guests) the relationship is usually a mess and tends not to last.

If they genuinely didn’t tell anyone then fair dos I think and in your position that’s what I would be saying to my adult DC. I got married and told no one. I have told my adult DCs if that’s what they want to do that they absolutely should. I think you need to step back because it sounds like you are upset but hiding behind ‘kids are upset’ when actually you could be trying to steer them round to ‘actually secret weddings are ok’ frame of mind

I think it is wrong that he did not tell his children until after the event. I think my FIL would do that (but they would tell her children before the event).

i find it odd that my MIL still talks to her ex the way she does and I know his current partner finds it irritating

His adult children can deal with it. It doesn't really affect them though, presumably they don't live with him or see him a great deal?

I can see how they would be a bit upset but i don't think it would be a big issue really.

Agree with others re: talking to ex about his will though.