What is the "mental load"

For me it is when I am asked something that frankly he could work out or ask himself and then claims it is quicker to ask me. It’s being the default all the time and if you forget things don’t get done

of course it is quicker for you. I push back on that now

actual admin we share

Yes, it’s just remembering stuff.

But I can absolutely see how it would be incredibly annoying if the functioning adult you married suddenly became incapable of remembering to book an MOT (or whatever) despite never forgetting before he met you. Even if it’s not difficult, it would royally fuck me off if DH just expected it all to be magically done by me, and that he didn’t need to worry about remembering anything because he’s outsourced all his thinking.

I would have agreed with you (even when I had 3 young kids and then 3 teens)and working outside the home, until my parents became elderly and needed care and assistance. That was my tipping point.

If only one of you works full time, it's what the other person should be doing.

It’s just shorthand for all the stuff you have to remember.

I can see how frustrating it is if you have a competent adult as a partner who has no idea what subject the kids have, when the PE kit is required, what bills need to paid, what appointments need to be made etc etc.

the argument is usually if there are two working adults in a household, it shouldnt be be down to one of those adults to remember every detail, plan the day to running of house, made doctors, dentist appointments, sort out schedules etc etc

I get that the mental load exists. And I carry most of the family and kids mental load for my family. But I also work PT, partly to enable me to pick up stuff at home so this is my responsibility which I accept and do my best at. I don't do much of DHs family stuff eg presents and cards etc. DH works on the house and cars, and that is his contribution to the family mental load. When I say works on the house, I don't mean a little bit of DIY, I mean for example stripping out a bathroom, replacing rotten stud walls and joists, then building it all back up and installing new shower etc. so he researches all that and buys stuff second hand/gets deals on things. Ditto for the cars, the only thing he doesn't do is the MOT itself. So yes I do carry the typical mental load, but to me it feels relatively equal as DH contributes other things.

This essentially.

Just doing your own - fine, quite easy. Just being a functioning adult. Although of course much easier of course if you did have a PA to sort it all out for you, like a celebrity.

Having to do it all for yourself, another adult plus however many children - suddenly not easy. And very unfair if one person is suddenly doing it all - especially as children are a joint responsibility and tend to come with more life admin (mental load) than adults. Wonderful, of course, for the person not doing any - being relieved even if what they did as a single adult. Like the celebrity.

Women have been quietly covering all this for many years and not saying anything, but now we are saying enough is enough. Men don’t like it, and tend to make mock and say things like “oh what on earth is this so-called mental load”, and “oh stop making a fuss about nothing, there’s no such thing as a mental load, just relax like me”.

If you are a single parent, then you are of course responsible for all of this.

The frustration when people talk about the mental load is being in a relationship, and then being solely responsible for all this stuff - being the ‘house and family manager’ with their DH just completing tasks when asked.

Which is very frustrating.

Yeah, except if you’re supposed to be in a partnership and you’re the only functioning adult who’s remembering stuff I imagine it’s a bit tedious.

Yes. The point is-who does it?

It's also one of those things that if it's just you doing stuff, you crack on as you see fit. For a couple or a family you need discussion and consensus a lot of the time. If you are waiting for someone else to do something they're supposed to do or they don't pull their weight it's unfair and frustrating.

But when you're in a family, you're doing it for more people. When you're doing it for multiple people with different levels of needs then it becomes more onerous. If you have children then you have field trips, and fundraisers, and parents nights that you have to keep track of for sometimes multiple children. Presumably you don't have that as a single individual.

Indeed functioning adult stuff. Problem occurs when you marry a non functioning adult and have children with them. Then you end up doing all the functioning adult stuff for them and the kids as well as yourself. Milage varies depending on circumstance.

Agree

@Noideamatey
Do you work a full time 40 hours + per wek professional job?

The mental load can be hugely variable between households. So don't underestimate how much work it can be. I don't like it when people minimise the mental load as not a 'thing', it really is and it can be a big job.

I tend to think of it as the difference between the physical execution of activities versus all the background prep and maintenence for them. For example, my friend's DH tells everyone that he does the kids' football activity. Sure, he physically takes them on Saturday mornings, but their mum is the one on the WhatsApp group keeping track of where the matches are, buying the boots, making sure their kit fits, and washing it every week. She's carrying the mental load, even though her husband thinks he "does the football".

I don’t think there was as much admin to do in the past. Electricity has taken up a huge amount of my time this last year. Way back in the past I would have gone to the local electricity board showroom and spoken to someone who either would have sorted it themselves or passed the issue to the person who could solve it. Now you spend hours on live chat going round in circles. And that’s just one aspect of modern life

Yes but sometimes there is just a lot to remember. For yourself, children, the household. When working full time aswell it can be alot to get through. Also , mental load of am I doing this right? Is my child healthy and happy. Maybe some people like yourself are just better at handling it than others.

It just shows your lack of understanding of couples and relationships that you don’t understand it.

It is:
-knowing what bills are due when and paying them on time
-making lunches for the kids
-making shopping lists, knowing what the house is low on or out of- also spending time thinking about what to eat and when)
-remembering family events (bdays, anniversaries etc) and buying cards/gifts
-making sure the right washing is done in time (school uniforms, sports kit, etc)
-planning christmas, buying gifts, ensuring get togethers happen
-booking and keeping appointments for the children and self, possibly the other parent as well (possibly keeping on top of repeat prescriptions)
-keeping track of the family calendar- and making sure everyone has what they need for their events
-holiday planning

That sounds difficult i bet your brain just turned to mush.

Imagine you got a partner, who increased the collective workload of the household, but didn’t contribute to the work - other than poorly executed tasks, only when requested, sometimes again and again. That’s the problem. As a single parent, I expect it’s all on you. However if you’ve got an ex who thinks that CMS buys him nanny/PA services, then you’ll be experiencing the unfair balance.

If one person does fuck all and the other person now does it all for two, plus any kids, it's a piss take by the bone idle half of the relationship. It's not rocket science.

I was a very competent adult that didnt notice mental load, then I had to go through tribunal for a school place for a child with sen and another child with medical issues. It was really a lot to do on top of normal life, and suddenly normal life felt like a big deal. Remembering everything was hard.