What is the "mental load"

The example you give is perfect because it’s not an ongoing ever renewing task is it? If you work PT to accommodate the rest ..are you still accruing a pension? Maintaining your ability to earn? Or are you carrying the mental load of family life for free, with consequences for your future wellbeing?

I have been a single parent and am currently married. Being a single parent was so much easier in every way, wouldn't mind being one again !

Of course not…but if you choose to blend your families, all move in together and have more children together…what then? Still happy to let them only focus on their kids and ignore everything else?

Seriously concerned for your cognitive skills, OP. You seem almost willingly misunderstanding or taking things on a tangent.

No but if they were his kids, surely you would?

Again OP, you've missed the point. If your partner was the child's father and you've created a family together and have in laws and so on. A completely intertwined family so he ought to be doing his share but doesn't, or only if you tell him about the thing that's needed.

OP, it is defined by resentment and frustration at the partner who is not sharing the load. I am a single parent (full time, kids have no contact with father) who works, all kids ND. It’s a LOT. I am always exhausted. But you know what? It’s a million times easier and less stressful than when I was married to their father who just left me to manage EVERYTHING. He went to work and considered that his entire contribution. And he made a lot more work for me than just the 3 kids. I hated him by the end of our marriage. The resentment was overwhelming. Now, I carry the mental load without any problem. That’s what people talk about when they complain about ‘mental load’.

@Noideamatey I only identified the mental load a few years ago as well.
As a single parent you know you have to do it all. You don’t have another person who you share life with who os going about their day carefree. You know your lot and get on with it - even if it becomes too much.

i think of course most of us can carry all the mental load should we have to. However, it is irritating having a partner who needs constant telling and reminding and I think this is where the concept of mental load comes from

For me, its not about the actual tasks - for all that those tasks will be more in some families than others and some days your head feels full to bursting. Its the attitude behind it - that my time and energy are less important than the other persons. Because that is what underpins the mental load. In a relationship I expect equality and that means not having to do more than my fair share.

Maybe some people dont mind. Or circumstances lead to it. But in general any relationship where one person feels they are better than the other somehow is not one I want to be in.

I'm a single parent and it's a lot.

I work FT in a demanding job and all of my spare time is taken up taking the kids to activities - often multiple trips out per evening for various things. Trying to plan and cook healthy home made meals that fit around my evenings of chauffeuring. Sorting school bags and uniform for the next day.

I'm also: planning out the school holiday activities and child care, keeping up with the various apps and whatsapp groups for the kids clubs, sorting out any house repairs, boiler servicing, car mot, mowing the lawn GP and dentist appointments, school events.

On top if it all my DC's dad seems to hoard their stuff at his house and can't find it when asked so I end up buying multiple of everything. He doesn't respond to a direct question - needs to check everything with his wife but then doesn't do that so I have to ask a simple question (like will you be taking DC to football on saturday?) over and over again. So despite being separated from him for 8 years he's still creating work for me.

Im clearly not as capable and great as OP.

Aw OP - in the concept of sharing the mental load the partner would be the children’s father 🤦‍♀️

I'm a single parent now but I haven't forgotten how much of my headspace was taken up by resenting a partner who wasn't pulling his weight.

It often happens between siblings for elder care too. In my family it all fell to my mother - arranging the home help, making accompanying my grandmother to appointments, sorting out nurses and then picking a home when the time came. Her bother and sister left it all to her. Back then there wasn’t the terminology for the mental load she was burdened with but it was huge!

I am sure OP would have scoffed at her too and claimed she is just better than most people and wouldn’t have found this exhausting and unfair😊

And what if you were doing all that plus the same for a useless DH and his elderly relations? Yes looking after yourself and your dependent children to an extent is normal adulting. But doing the same thing for another adult who should be relieving your burden not adding to it is very draining.

So do women, depressingly. I've seen any number of posts on MN claiming there's no such thing as life admin.

Totally agree with you OP

It’s just a concept though? The mental load - it’s a definition. If you google it you get:

Mental load refers to the invisible cognitive and emotional labor required to plan, organize, and manage household and family responsibilities, such as anticipating needs, scheduling events, and making decisions. It encompasses both the mental process of organizing and the emotional work of caring for family members. This "thinking work" is often unrecognized, unbounded, and disproportionately borne by women, leading to stress, burnout, and relationship strain.

I think you are pretending you don’t understand to make out that you are superior to women who complain about this. You have a mental load - we all do regardless of our circumstances. Some adults complain that it isn’t fairly shared in couples - you are a single parent so you don’t experience that frustration.

You are spectacularly missing the point OP.

As others have pointed it out : yes many of the mental load tasks are just 'life' : but nowadays most women work, and equal hours to their partners. Yet..... It's women who pick up all those "mental load" jobs let's face it. Generally speaking. It's a lot for one person to juggle.

Plus life is pathetically complicated now. You go to work, endless computer based tick box mandatory training every year to cover arses. So many forms and 'updates' and endless arse covering exercises that just didn't exist before.

Children's school. This app for this , that app for that. This workshop, that parent cafe. This online questionnaire, that autism awareness session. It's all so sterile and tick box.

Teachers no longer care really about their bright or middling students etc. it's all risk management of SEND and meeting targets. Pressure pressure pressure.

We live in a very sterilised computerised "ticky box" world now. So "tasks" a plenty. And you might get a "wellbeing" referral at work if you're burnt out and can't manage all the tasks. Or a tick box meeting with the teacher to "explore the problem" if you can't access all these apps. The threat is real.

None of the above has happened to me. But I can see that the pressure to do tasks is immense. Or you may get a sterile "referral" to cover someone's arse.

Bring back the old days when people weren't robots.

Yes I've gone off on a tangent!

Then read my earlier comment and you’ll understand how it differs from being a single parent…feels like you’re picking and choosing what to come back to.

Question for you, OP: do you feel an undercurrent of resentment when you hear about women in relationships talking about the mental load? Like ‘hey, I’m here in the trenches every day…it’s no different to what I do but at least you get some help.’ Or do you feel superior, like ‘no idea what these women complain about, I do all this and it’s just life?’

Either way, you’ve asked the question, you’ve had some cracking answers that address why it’s a whole different set of challenges to being a single parent. Not necessarily harder but a grind nonetheless. If you refuse to actually take on board what people are showing you and instead cling to either of the above, then it’s kinda sad. But your choice.

Single people do it without thinking, but when you're in a partnership, it's supposed to be easier

Housework, remembering appointments, presents, birthdays, what's for tea/dinner/breakfast, bills, remembering to cancel the free trial subscription before money goes out, car insurance for two or more vehicles - all mental load for two not one

@Noideamatey - in case no one else has suggested this, here's a link to a good explanation of the mental load: https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

OP can you address what people are saying about wrangling everything when you have a partner who ought to be splitting things but are actually adding to the tasks. I'm an SP too and fearsomely capable and on top of things, but I absolutely get what the phrase means.

There have been umpteen other faux naïve threads asking the exact same question. If you don't think there's enough involved in 'remembering stuff' and 'being an adult' to place a significant load on your mind (especially if you also work full time) then I guess either you have a surprisingly simple life or you're just superior to other people. Either way, well done.