What is the "mental load"

I’m teaching my kids about mental load.
eg if my teenage son says “I need [such and such book] for school”, I’ll tell him to not just pass it from his head to mine, but to write it down somewhere so I’ll do it at a convenient time, or to ask me when he can see I’m on the laptop.

Mine was a keeper, so much extra kit to buy and wash! Ex also thought it was his thing but it was me getting kit ready, washing water bottles, packing bags, buying kit, cleaning boots, chivvying kid to get ready, shovelling the mud out the bath (no garden, rinsing kit in the bath). Making sure it was all done on time.

I also did a reasonable amount of the training sessions too and occasional matches.

This!!

How much stress and responsibility does your job entail? And how was life when your two children were primary age? I have 2 children, primary and secondary. The expectations on parents to keep up with all these shitty apps, ensure the homework has been uploaded and all that has changed massively in 5 years. I think if you were experiencing the responsibilities of parents of primary aged children now you would see a difference. The major change happened after Covid where everything seems to have gone online. I miss the days of paper communication, I can’t keep up with all of these log ins

• edited to add the words between asterisks

Yep. It’s so easy to just be the driver!

Grrrr just sorted out school uniforms and school bags for tomorrow. Half tempted to leave it all and see what happens in the morning when everyone is rushing around getting up and ready to leave. Just that unsaid expectation that mum will do it.

Ahhh, I see where you are coming from now. I would say most people would feel as you do with regards to meeting someone new and their family. The issue is when you have two parents, both work, both have the same children, live in the same house - but only one parent organises bills, shopping, food, appointments, Christmas presents, etc.

You’re saying exactly the same thing really, why should one person have to do this for another adult when they’re capable of doing it themselves. We can all ‘adult’, so it’s a bit shit that it falls on one individual - like you say, you wouldn’t do it! I don’t do it, my husband and I spread the load so it’s not an issue. But, I can totally see why it is an issue for other families.

Doing all the extra stuff AND working full time like the other parent.

Yes this and
Being on school WhatsApp
Reading emails from the schools
Sorting out play dates
Arranging birthday presents for every school friend party, taking child to said party
Buying school uniforms
Sorting out clothes and shoes when they get too small
Buying new clothes and shoes (returning ones they didn't want in time)

I had considered that as well. I guess everyone has to have some sort of Sunday night entertainment plans. Some better than others (says the woman who spent tonight watching The Good Doctor while eating popcorn 😊)

I’ve never heard the expression anywhere other than on MN. Seems like an overdramatic way to describe normal life admin

Also if you’re in a relationship and it all falls on you, you are also taking on the extra burden of looking after/ looking out for/ picking up after another adult.

Today for example the baby fell down a couple of stairs as DH forgot to close the baby gate after he came up. I found baby clinging to step 3 from the top, screaming. So, added to the mental load is “make sure the fucker closes the gate and keep an eye out for the baby even if he’s with said fucker”

I do expect the father of my children to take on at least half of everything.

It’s like a group project at work or school where you have to do it all cause the other people just don’t.
its no harder than an individual project where you expect to do it all from the start but that doesn’t mean it’s not bloody unfair and frustrating.

There is an absolutely brilliant cartoon by a French (I think!) woman called Emma, it really hits the nail on the head in describing and explaining the mental load:

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

or if you’d rather not click a random link the Guardian did an article about the cartoon:

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

My ex-husband refused to drive despite having passed his test at 18. This meant that I was responsible for all the kids’ clubs, main shops and transport. Basically, I did everything which caused crippling resentment. As a single parent, I still do everything but I don’t mind as I’m not resentful !

@Crunchymum bloody hell, that lot, I hope you have some good support. I have four(now older kids) also single parent and worked full-time but I just muddled through mostly be honest. I take my hat off to you.❤

I saw that one too, and did laugh, safe in the happiness that I’m single and don’t have to deal with it!

I think I kinda feel sorry for people who don’t understand that the mental load is absolutely a thing.

because the ‘mental load’ I did today, and mostly, is about making life wonderful for myself and my children. Booking ballet lessons and organising the logistics for my dd who loves ballet, researching and ordering a second hand sewing machine off eBay for my dd who loves sewing, and booking tickets for the 3 of us to go to a Christmas show.

do people who think the mental load is ‘just put it on direct debits’ simply never do anything nice?

Was it difficult? No. Did it take an hour? Yes. Should I be cross if there was another adult in the house and I did all this always, without him doing a different thing which took an hour? Of course I should be.

I saw a joke TikTok the other day, where the “dad” rang school and couldn’t answer on the child’s year, teacher, dietary requirements and date of birth. Funny because it does sum up a lot of useless fathers (not my DH though fortunately)

Maybe they are just a wind up merchant 🤔

You aren’t understanding when the phrase is used, it’s used to describe an unequal situation..to describe when one person is taking on the ‘mental load’, it’s generally used in discussions about equality..so to raise it in relation where you are the only one to carry the work is missing the point of what the phrase is used to describe (generally)

When you have kids that’s when the mental load begins.

But what if, you know, you had the kids together?? And one person was doing all the remembering and one person wasn’t?

That’s the mental load right there. I would not resent it as a single parent but as part of a partnership it can be bloody annoying being the only one to do dentists, doctors, pay bills at school, talk to the teachers, remember ro buy new uniform, wash the uniform, sign up forms for stuff. And the other parent just has to sort themselves out and not their kids. Now do you “get it”?

You say that, but your opening post was rude wasn’t it.
you didn’t phrase it as a question, you derided anyone who finds it hard going, but also couldn’t seem to work it out, as one poster up thread detailed it isn’t rocket science, that it obviously differs completely from household to household and that the entire point is when only one half of a couple is doing it.

no one is saying it’s hard, they’re saying it’s a thing which needs to be done.

what your saying is if things aren’t difficult, then they don’t count as things. When, of course, they do.