What is the "mental load"

I think "mental load" is a parenting thing before it's a female thing. The dads I know all look as stressed and tired as the mums. I was told on another thread that the "mental load" didn't apply to me as a child-free woman, which is correct to be honest, and sort of the point.

As with everything else to do with how hard parenting is, part of me thinks, well, you signed up for it all. There was always the option NOT to have a mental load involving endless school letters and buying kids' shoes. (As an aside how often do you even have to buy school uniforms and trainers etc? Surely that's not exactly an everyday task?)

As for the fact that all of your husbands don't pull their weight... it's just not reflected in my social circle. Like I said, most dads I know look knackered. Very few of my friends who are mums have complained about a husband who doesn't do his fair share. In my relationship, DP is the house-proud neat freak and I'm probably the one who doesn't pull my weight domestically, if I'm being honest.

Finding a partner who will pull his weight and then ensuring that happens is something you have agency over. At every stage.

I also suspect a lot of women take on an entirely unnecessary "mental load" - there are always a few who say that remembering their in-laws presents (and cards?!) is part of the mental load. I have no sympathy at all with that. Just don't do it.

It is a new label for household admin. And of course the flip side is needing ‘me time’.

I was out for a walk with an old friend the other day and she was a SAHM (adult children now). She was saying that she had an easy life (which she does now) but I reminded her how tough her life was with a newborn and a two and four year old with a husband who worked all hours. But it never occurred to her that her life was tough then. She just got on with it.

I think it was even tougher for our parents, where they had a considerable physical load as well as a mental load! Dishwashers were a new thing when I was a child and home driers were pretty unusual. It just wouldn’t have occurred to that generation to think about ‘me time’ or ‘load’. They were just busy most of the time and that was how life was.

I don’t think most cultures would also have this idea, or most points in history. It is very much a zeitgeist thing in middle class western society.

I do think the ideas of ‘mental load’ and ‘me time’ are pretty unhealthy. They often spring from resentment, real or otherwise, and are hugely exaggerated. People reframe what they would consider a few hours or relatively stress free work in the workplace as this massive ‘mental load’. If things are unfair, it needs to be sorted out as a fair compromise. Or split up if that isn’t possible.

And finally, a lot of people want household jobs done in a certain way. So they insist on doing them, and are then resentful that they have to do them. Which is a vicious circle.

An example of the single parent vs couple parent where one person take on the mental load that I think is particularly common and while minor, can be extraordinarily irritating:

Children are small and need constant care and supervision. Man wants to play football with mates after work. Man calls wife and tells her he is going to play football. Man is then confused when wife is very angry and annoyed.

Except, man did not think about the fact that the family had a lot going on that evening. Man had no idea (because he just doesn't register any of this stuff) that tomorrow is the first day of school for little Johnny who is feeling apprehensive and therefore needs a little extra support. This is tricky because dinner still has to be made, the baby still has to be fed etc. Also, because woman has been at work all day, she also has a bunch of additional tasks that need completing. Also, woman knows that when man goes to football, he goes for drinks after. This means he is likely to be hungover in the morning. Which is tricky becuase Johnny has first day at school, things are likely to be a bit stressful and she' dlike him to actually take part in all this.

Such a minor thing and yet so classic.

My DH recently booked a weekend away. No problem with that and he asked me and I said sure, no problem if we don't have anything else on. My Dh did not actually check the diary (apparenrly "if we don't have anything else on" in his head was "I have checked the diary and we don't have anything else on" ) so he did not notice that we actually do have something very important on that weekend. He seemed to think I just hold all these important dates in my head, even when they are months ahead of time.

My DH is not a dick so once that became clear, he apologised and has spent a lot of time and effort reorganising his weekend away. But it took time to get to this point. My other favourite complete-lack-of-thinking habit he used to have would be, for example, saying to me,
"I'd like to do x thing on Saturday morning. We have nothing in the diary for that time - 12:00." [pats himself on back for looking in diary]
Me: But DD has dance class from 10-12:00 and DS has his football match from 10:30. How are you planning to get whichever one of them YOU are with back to ME in time for YOU to be at xx by 12:00?

that is an example of the silly small things that are part of the mental load that are nonetheless ENDLESS, where it is more problematic and frustrating in a relationship than when you are single because it just doesn' thappen when single.

I agree a bit. I have no issues with the mental load, and I think a big part of it is that, while I absolutely did want children, DH definitely wanted them more.

But that doesn’t make it ok for men to do fuck all. They should stop agreeing to have children that they don’t really want, or if they do agree, they should realise that there are things children need (like vaccinations, and dentist appointments, and clothes that fit, and to have a school place applied for), and “I can’t be arsed” isn’t acceptable, even if you didn’t really want the child in the first place! You have one now, so get your shit together.

Yes, I agree. I also read a very interesting article by a woman recently who was brought up by a single dad. And she said that her dad did his best, but looking back, she sees that even as a single dad, he simply didn't do or think or care about the things that she did and that the other parents did, but he STILL didn't get judged for it ("oh, poor dave, it's hard being a single dad with a dead wife) and that the result was that there was a level of benign neglect to her upbringing. She never had quite the right clothes or lunch box, the house was never quite like her friends etc etc.

What I find astonishing OP is that you're so oblivious to this. A good friend of mine who is a single mother by choice commented to me within about the first 6 months of parenthood that watching friends from her NCT group etc who were tearing their hair out at their useless husbands, she realised that while she had to do it all, her life was easier in many ways because she didn't have to accomodate another adult. She made the decisions, she implemented the decisions etc. If she could figure it out after 6 months, I'm amazed you're struggling so much after many years.

The reality is that having a family means more work. When it becomes a problem is when that additional work is dumped disproportionately on one person (the woman), exacerbated by how often that woman ALSO has to accomodate an additional person in the form of her partner.

Were you a lone parent or did you have an ex in the wings who at least took the DC on some of the time? becuase it also seems to me that a lone parent might find the mental load a bit "easier" like my friend in terms of just getting on with it, but a single parent with an involved co-parent at least gets a break too.

Yes, it's just a way of articulating the imbalance in the division of the less tangible aspects running a household with a partner. I agree it's not new, maybe what is newer is that more women are recognising it and refusing to take it all on.

I don’t even think it is just that. I don’t mind the admin for school and classes etc I sign up for that just like he signs up for the insurance

it is the expectation that I can and will be the person who finds something/answers something rather than them taking the time to do so.

How many times is the question where is? What does? when is? Given rather than spending time working it out themselves looking for it, looking for the answer googling it. It is that I object to rather than divided up tasks

This isn’t the first post I’ve seen where someone is asking what mental load is, and questioning, is it not just a normal part of being an adult.

My understanding is… no one is saying it’s a new thing. No one is saying that thinking about all these “adult” tasks didn’t exist in the past. It’s just giving these tasks a name. That’s all it is. In the past we may have called it “things I need to do” or “things I need to think about” or “my life admin for the day” or “running my house.” Now it’s just been given another name…”mental load.” It’s no big deal.

I completely relate to the term mental load. The term wasn't around when my DC were little but when I first heard it it was a light bulb moment.
It's reading school letters and organising everything for a school trip(writing on calendar, payment, permission slip, appropriate clothing, change of drop off and pick up time) whilst DH tosses the letter aside without even reading it let alone actioning anything.
It's organising every world book day, nativity, Halloween, dance or drama costume.
It's booking haircuts, dentists and opticians appointments.
It's being in charge of organising childcare
It's the assumption that you will be around to do the childcare ie you check DP will be around to look after DC if you aren't but they never do the same.
Facilitating DC hobbies, ensuring they have kit, paying subs as well as taking them.
It's thinking of and buying, and wrapping every single Xmas and birthday present (and ensuring you have wrapping paper and sellotape)
It's sorting house insurance, car insurance.
Arranging house repairs and booking car into garage for mot service.
Remembering which bin goes out when
Noticing the house needs cleaning and doing something about it.
Its loading the dishwasher and not just putting things next to it.
It's replacing the loo roll, putting it in the loo roll holder and putting the cupboard inner tube in the bin (advanced stuff!)
Planning and shopping and cooking family meals.
Making sure you never run out of milk, bread, pet food etc
Keeping on top of washing and ironing.
Noticing when DC have outgrown their clothes and shoes, getting rid of the old ones and buying replacements.
Looking after pets, cleaning out, ordering food, bedding etc, training, walking, arranging vaccinations etc
If you have a child with SEN or who is ill the mental load is magnified hugely with juggling and meeting all their needs.
If you have an elderly parent ditto.
All of above whilst working full time.
If you are in a partnership and you are carrying most/all of this then it's not a fair division of labour and you are carrying a huge mental load.
It's being responsible for everything for your family and household.
Which is completely different to just sorting yourself out.

Sorry - a poster was talking about middle class women, I mistakenly thought it was the poster who referred little Millicent and ballet.

class has absolutely nothing to do with ballet, I was having a pop at the nonsense some people are posting

For me, it’s thinking for four people. Myself and three children. My dh only has to think for himself.

What has class got to do with ballet?

I think women are complaining about school lunches and dentist appointments and parent teacher meetings and school uniforms and family holidays and parent teacher meetings.

they are complaining their partner leaves everything to them. I don’t think it’s a class issue, as much as you would love to sneer at women who sign their children up to ballet.

Just beciase you dislike your sister doesn’t mean there isn’t a gender imbalance in most two parent mixed sex households😂😂😂

I don’t completely agree.

i think it’s an endless cycle. They grew up watching their mums do everything and their dad going down the pub or to the golf course.

they expect the woman to fuss over school uniforms and homework and dentist appointments and swimming classes. It doesn’t occur to them they should know the kids timetable, or meet their teacher, or know some sizes. Know the rules at the new school, sign up for the app, know favorite subjects and think about subject choices.

they don’t see this as a male role so they don’t do it. So their sons watch them and think women live doing all this doing mindless shit and then in twenty years they will leave it to their partner

I agree.

My sister signs her children up to everything, piano, multiple sports, extra math on weekends. She makes them study a language no one in the family even speaks and even had them take lessons on how to code.

Then she signs herself up to the PTA & another school committee then gets herself involved in committee drama and then can’t sleep.

I’m like “WTF - take an antihistamine and a melatonin and call in sick from work and catch up on sleep.”

Her kids are utterly exhausted.

I’ve told her to stop doing stuff that is completely unnecessary.

I dont see what is nasty nor bitter about it

When woman complain they have remember everyone's birthdays on his side or his side will judge her, so what? The world wont end if they judge just dont do it

Or stop complaining about it if you choose to do something you dont have too

I think a lot of these things are due to most men not wanting children anywhere as much as women do. And women ignoring this...

What happens if women don’t do it?

some men might step up. But many won’t. So the child misses dentist appointments and doesn’t get their hair cut. No one shows up at parents evening and there is no packed lunch the day the canteen is closed. The PE kit is dirty, but doesn’t fit anyway. There is no birthday party organised and no friends invited to play.

The child doesn’t do after school activities (although even the concept of this seems to send some into a rage!). Any special dietary requirements are ignored. No one helps with homework’s, and they are missed. Kids aren’t registered for braces. Their clothes are all a bit too small. Girls don’t have period products stocked and waiting. Etc etc

Yes.

I don’t understand why women take it upon themselves to organise an entire household and then complain about the “mental load”.

Just don’t do it.

Mental load's not just relevant to partner/children relationships either. Some people (too often men) have never had to take on the mental load and seem to think organisation/admin/remembering/reminding stuff just happens with no effort. They rely on someone else taking on these aspects of being a functional adult but give no consideration or credit for it. For example, my mother is recently widowed and needs a lot of help. My brother will do physical tasks to help her if asked. Since he lives a lot closer to her than I do, she will call if she needs something small doing (eg picking up a loaf of bread from the shop). He complains to anyone who will listen that he has to 'do everything' and that all I do is a little bit of admin for her sometimes. Meanwhile I have spent huge amounts of time sorting our our late father's affairs and continue to spend many hours a week making sure all her bills are paid, sorting out her pensions etc, monitoring her income/expenses to make sure is living within her means, making medical appointments, keeping track of appointment letters/dates and dealing with any clashes (she has several chronic conditions so there is at least one every couple of weeks), taking her to appointments or organising someone else to take her, keeping track of when she needs more medication, trying to organise external help, reminding her to take medication, ordering supermarket shopping (including meal planning with her to make sure she buys food that she can make in to sensible meals). He refuses to acknowledge that any of this takes time (it's just making a few phone calls!) but also refuses to have any involvement with it (he 'doesn't do admin') whilst complaining that I am not doing enough and not doing it quickly enough. I really pity his partner- I assume she does all the mental load at home and he expects praise for cutting the grass occasionally!

Why so nasty and bitter?

Yes!

But i wonder how much is necessary when people complain, constantly, about mental load and how much is 'oh I need Millicent to do ballet because some influencer i am desperate to be like has her daughter doing ballet at 6 months and she can perform swan lake one her own and all the other parents will judge me' or 'I have it in my head i have to scrub the kitchen floor with a toothbrush and other people have to meet my standards'

So stop blaming society and if you have problems in your relationship deal with it

I think it’s the fundamental difference between most men and women.

Women tend to care more, maybe bc generally we have more empathy and / care what others think more.

So a woman wants her child to be happy - buys them toys they will like. She wants them to have friends so she makes an effort to socialise them and mix with other parents and encourage friendships in and out of school. She is pleasant to teachers and others parents to facilitate this. She makes the effort to be more aware of what is popular for that age group so her child isn’t left out and will find it easier to mix. Clothes are usually age appropriate as in style (not cutting edge fashion, just knowing that a tractor probably isn’t great for a 10 year old). Likewise hairstyles, again not ridiculously OTT, just not a bowl cut or a hack job as if anything is better than nothing and it doesn’t matter - these men would not want this themselves (but who cares if it’s a child right). She will often look for after school or weekend clubs that they will enjoy or that their friends are doing and try to facilitate this. Medical and dental appointments are set up (places found, all the paperwork filled in etc) and booked. Shoe sizing. All the stuff from school like homework, trips, non school uniform days, bring in x,y,z that often seems to fly over the father’s head despite receiving the exact same correspondence via texts and emails from school.

In general, although some do, a lot of men do not give as big a shit. They just don’t. They’ve no excuse , particularly if they work the same hours as their partner. The mental load concerning children and often the family unit as a whole generally falls to mothers. Men will care that they are clothed, housed and fed, which are arguably the most important things, but all the EXTRA elements, in every sense of the word more or less falls to mums.

This needs to change. But will it?

I've been a single parent and its hard work but at least its clear and you're in control: you're responsible for everything and you plan accordingly.

The problems come when you're planning for yourself and your children and another adult who is incapable of or unwilling to plan for him or herself and expects you to do it all. And not only does this mean you have twice the work but there are all sorts of clashing agendas set by other people that you have to mop up.

It's not the workload per se that's the issue, it's the lack of consideration.