What is the "mental load"

I know it when I see it.

A friend of mine (part time GP, 3 kids, two cats) was once informed by her (lovely, capable) partner at 1 hours’ notice that another family were coming over to stay for the weekend. Holding on to her hat, she asked if he’d thought what they were all going to eat. His response was ‘something always turns up’. Which it does, because she thinks about not just the next meal, but a range of possibilities.

Likewise, her 3 kids have at various times changed schools, done out of school activities that challenge them, volunteered for things relevant to their eventual careers, had major health issues such as broken bones and rehab for them, and are exceptional social nodes for a large circle of friends, whose parents she knows well and for whom she is a close and wonderful friend. Meantime, she’s done well professionally herself, and so has her partner, and their parents are looked after into extreme old age.

THAT’s the mental load. Not just ‘all fed and nobody dead’ which I’m not knocking in itself, it’s wanting and achieving more than that for your family. Thriving in a broader way.

I once started to open a new online bank account. After the umpteenth password, passcode and secret number code I was asked to make up I gave up.

I think it depends who expects them, and who will be disappointed by their absence.

I read something on this subject recently that I think says it very well: 'those thousand and one tasks that no one really notices are getting done, but they’d sure as hell miss if you stopped'.
I think this encompasses buying tins of tomatoes/making sure there's loo roll/ buying advent calendars and other nice things/noticing that there is a gig or performance on that your DP would like and getting tickets or telling them about it, as well as many other things, both purely necessary and nice/fun.

I think it is good that there is now a word for it. My children are now adults but when they were younger, I used to be so frustrated with having to do all the organising and "thinking" in the house. My husband just went to work and then relaxed his brain. I am getting the last laugh now we are separating though because he has just become so incompetent at any kind of life admin.

@Muffinmam’the mental load is a choice’

yes, as a single adult it’s entirely your choice. Some people don’t like planning and would rather take the consequences than the stress of planning, and that’s fine. An example would be my exhusband who would eg put no thought in to packing for a holiday and he’d spend the first day shopping for all the stuff he needed. That’s fine, his choice.

but once you have dc, you can be making their life less pleasant if you decide to do that. For example, same husband, he’d take the kids out an event and have to go home early even if everyone’s enjoying it because he’d forgotten to pack nappies. Etc

yes your sister is clearly extreme, but rather obviously there’s a middle ground.

Buying pantomime tickets and an advent calendar are not "mental load" because neither of them are actually necessary.

DP and I both buy tickets for things we actually want to go to year-round (theatre, gigs, clubs, etc). It's not mental load, it's enjoying one's leisure time. Buying tickets to see Erykah Badu is not a burden that weighs heavily on me, it's something I'm excited about.

An advent calendar is also something that, if I wanted it, I would buy it. I don't really feel the need, as I find it quite easy to buy myself nice chocolate year-round (I don't consider that "mental load" either). DP doesn't seem to care but I wouldn't take kindly to him if he complained that it was a chore he always had to do.

If it’s so straightforward and NBD to carry the mental load, why do so many men in relationships with women totally fail at doing it? 😂

My DP calls it his Dad-min.

@Busybeemumm oh DH knows about the advent calendar. In fact he even said he was disappointed with last year's calendar, and so was I. So he knows he has to do a bit of research to get a nice one. All I want is a nice busy picture so that it is tricky to find the numbers, and real glitter not that nasty greenish glittery glue stuff. The kind of glitter that falls off as soon as you look at it.

@Muffinmam

The “mental load” is a choice.

It is if you are happy for your kids to have suboptimal outcomes and feel that you can't be arsed.

I don't see the point bearing and raising children if you're happy to allow them to go to school in unwashed, poorly fitting clothes, not eating reasonably healthy meals and not supporting them as best you can with their academics and things that interest them.

I could lie in bed all weekend and say "can't be arsed doing any washing and I don't care if DD doesn't her homework". But why have kids if you don't want them to at least be able to aim for their best outcomes?

My OH (who isn't DD's father) actually does pull his weight at home. But my ex-husband regarded all this as optional and said I "worried too much" and thought all this activity was strictly my job. So I chose to parent without him and I parented a damn sight better on my own than worrying about someone who wanted to spend most of the weekend lying in bed.

I've done this on my own and would happily do it again. But if I'm in a partnership with someone else in raising a child I damn well expect them to step up.

It's not just about kids. My DP and I don't have kids, but we've lived together for many years and there is obviously a mental load associated with sharing a household. Laundry, dishwashing, cleaning, finances, food shopping, noticing when something goes wrong with the house and doing something to sort it out, thinking of and organising holidays and trips, etc etc.
When people talk about having all of the mental load they mean that one person takes on all or the lion's share of it, and the other person has to be asked/told to do things.

I had lunch with my parents yesterday. My mum says "isn't it Johns birthday tomorrow?" (John is my cousin, dad's nephew). He says "he is born in september. Can't remember which date. You need to check it and let me know so I'll know to send a text".

Sorry to hear about your cancer diagnosis.

Unfortunately I suspect you won't get the advent calendar but think maybe these kind of things just don't bother men. He might not even realise that there isn't one at all!

possibly due to mat leave establishing a pattern
I was thinking just the other day, how did i get here about mental load and doing everything and think this is when it started-maternity leave😳

There was a thread about this a few months ago, so I'm not going to list everything I consider to be in my mental load.

However.... now that I am retired and because we never had a honeymoon, we are meant to be having a BIG once in a lifetime holiday next year. I have discussed it with DH and told him I'm tired of arranging everything, so it's up to him to do some of the work. Nothing has happened. I'm not doing it so I probably won't get to go on holiday. I have a reduced life expectancy due to cancer so this is really my last chance.

On a smaller scale - I always arrange everything for Christmas. I don't do all the physical work, but I have to make the plans, arrange the menu, book the turkey, do the shopping, do the timetable, buy the pantomime tickets, do the tree - everything. I told DH I'm not getting the advent calendar this year, I want him to get it. What's the betting we won't have one.

I think this sums it up well. I have been a single parent for 16 years and I can really see it from both sides. It’s gruelling physically and mentally being responsible for everything. I have two now teen ND DCs - one more extreme than the other and the appointments alone are a full time job. However I do regularly extol the virtues of the freedom and lack of resentment that there is when you are in it alone. There is no expectation of anyone else. You are responsible for everything and everyone. It’s not easy but at least there is no expectation or resentment of another adult. I love this sculpture as I think it sums things up perfectly irrespective of your situation. (Unless you have a marvellous partner of course)

@FairKoala I agree with you btw that companies create at least as much "mental load" as men do.

Don't get me started on the apps that you need in order to interact with any company at all and the infinitesimal amount of passwords required to keep on touch with all this.

@Newbutoldfather
It is a new label for household admin. And of course the flip side is needing ‘me time’.

It's not, though. This is a fundamental misunderstanding of what "mental load" is.

It's not only about "household admin", although that's a subset of it. It's about the failure of both partners in a household to understand the impact of their behaviour on others.

Any idiot can set up a direct debit to pay their bills as people never stop reminding us. Anyone can chase a hoover around or do the washing up or fill in a form to send to school or take the car in for its MOT in isolation if told what to do.

It's when you persistently assume that the other parent is going to do all this, or wait to be told what to do because you've failed to anticipate it, or leave it to the last minute when there are more urgent things that need doing, that you create mental load.

• Email from school telling you the dates for this term "oh she'll have this".
• Note from the GP saying your child is overdue an asthma medication review "oh she'll have this".
• Invitation to the rugby club party in December "oh yeah that would be great... she can pick up whatever is going on at home" (Turns out she has to go to her own work party).
• Parents' evening "oh she she can do this". Turns out she can't do it because she has her own work commitment. So she'll have to cancel hers because yours is "more important".
• Deciding that you need to go cycling all day Saturday with the boys "oh it will be fine". It won't because there are two separate Saturday clubs which require separate pick-ups/drop offs.

Etc etc. At its heart what it is is assuming that your partner will be the "default parent" and make sure that nothing falls through the cracks, that any added extras you can offer around your busy Big Job schedule are the icing on the cake and will keep you in her good books. Well, guess what, when she has a Big Job too (or even a fairly normal job), something has to give.

She is the one making the choice that they take extra math on weekends and learn mandarin. She is the one waking up the kids at 5.30am because she made the choice to sign them up for extra sport.

The “mental load” is a choice.

I choose not to take on too much. I choose not to remember my in-laws birthdays. It’s absolutely a choice.

My mental load of normal everyday stuff I can handle it’s the mental load companies put on me that is breaking me.

I am at the point that I cannot go on. It’s a full time job dealing with people who are so incompetent that they don’t understand things like what a statement is, let alone be able to add up, what is legal and illegal and the fact that motorists aren’t psychics. If you don’t put up signage then why would you expect someone to know you can’t drive up a road or park in a suspended parking bay. Note that just because a van is parked in one of the bays it doesn’t mean that the bays are suspended
“Latest” is that I parked in the FREE staff car park but an Internet outage had my number plate not be put on the system. Usually appeals are looked at and the ticket cancelled.

Appealed parking fine proving I was a staff member that day. Appeal rejected. No reason given. Company who own the carpark have asked for the parking ticket to be cancelled. Debt collector said no.

Eventually after many many communications with a variety of debt collectors I have an email to say that they have cancelled the “ticket”

Last week I got a letter from the same debt collector
Apparently they were disappointed that I had not been in touch to pay this fine and they were taking me to court.

This is mental load. This is weeks of my life spent emailing, explaining to people who are not interested or don’t or won’t understand and apply common sense. I won’t get back that time all because someone either effed up or is too stupid or vindictive or discriminatory to take on board what has happened .

I am letting them take me to court because I really can’t be bothered to write another email explaining the circumstances and have the same thing happen again months from now.

At the same time I am dealing with an electric company who put in charge of setting up its account department someone who I can only think has only a GCSE in maths. Although at times I question whether they even have this qualification.

My original account that was set up I could never access. I never received bills on this account and would spend 2 hours each month trying to convince them that I had an account with them and could they tell me how much my bill was.
Eventually after 6 months I gave up when once again they insisted I didn’t have an account with them. I didn’t pursue my outstanding balance. I just agreed I had made a mistake calling them as I didn’t have an account with them.

It took them 5 months to come up with an account I could access and my opening balance was the balance outstanding on the original account. Which was paid off as soon as I got access to the account

However a year later they charged me a £10 late payment fee for a payment I made but they couldn’t locate.
When they found the payment I asked for the £10 late payment fee to be removed.

Instead they deleted a payment from my account from the year before and altered all subsequent “statements” to reflect this “none payment”

When shown proof of my payment they then said the payment was taken from my “newer” account and paid into my previous account.
(The previous/original account they set up that I could never access. The one that they used the balance outstanding amount to start the “newer” account)

I tried to explain that if they had taken the amount from my new account and applied it to my previous account. Then the balance outstanding overall would not change

This was completely wrong in their eyes.
I just didn’t have the words to explain the maths. It was a lost cause.

Ombudsman agreed with me and told them to put the money back.

They didnt

Ombudsman told them to stop pursuing me for the “debt “ whilst they were looking into the issue

They didn’t

I have asked for an SAR multiple times over 4 years because they randomly change the amounts you owe with no explanation.

But have yet to receive anything.

They keep giving my “debt” to differing debt collectors who keep handing it back to the company when they are shown what the ombudsman have said only for them to hand it off to a different debt collection company.

This is the type of mental load I have to deal with.

Add in non existent signage for certain drivers to not drive in a certain direction on a road (which after months and months of appeals that were rejected) I ended up in court where I won. (One of their reasons that I should have known not to drive on this road was that they had published it in the local newspaper. I was not a local and didn’t realise that if I was travelling to a new area I should have perused the previous editions of the local papers and not relied on road signage.
Or the non existent signage to say that a group of parking spaces were not available to park in. Apparently the van in one of the parking spaces should have told me not to park there.

This is where most of my time is spent.

Don’t get me started on the signage that is so high up in the air (that you need binoculars to read) that says residents and permit holders only can drive down certain roads

If they were serious about congestion and polluting the area then why not report the restrictions to Google Maps so sat nav’s can make sure people don’t drive down these roads.
The fact they don’t and have the signage impossibly high up in the air you can’t see it let alone read it suggests they aren’t interested in polluting the area but more interested in the money from the fines.

Oh absolutely! My mum was a teacher so was off with us all school holidays. She definitely used to lock us out of her room for her to watch her favourite soap and we watched our own TV shows. She was also very strict with us about bedtimes, we went to bed earlier that a lot of our peers because it was ‘her’ time. And also, just because a lot of women didn’t have that time to themselves and just ‘got on with it’ doesn’t mean it was healthy and they didn’t struggle mentally.

Well done for being able to manage your child with SEN better than I can manage my disabled child.

She's only 7 and has more paperwork than the rest of us combined. Maybe I am just doing it all wrong or moaning too much!

As someone who was single for years and has only recently started living with someone, I can say that, for me, bearing the mental load on my own was hard. I did it, but it was a struggle.

I have to add that I am AuDHD for context, as perhaps it adds to the pressures as well. Having to remember every single thing is stressful for me, and I was very often mentally burned out.

Now my partner shares some of the load, for eg he makes the shopping list and gets the groceries in. That’s a HUGE weight off of my shoulders. He also has taken over chores like hoovering, most of the cooking, and nearly all of the washing up. We share the responsibility of laundry.

So yes, while as a single person and the only adult in the household you have to just get on with it or it doesn’t get done, it also still does exist and can be tiresome for some. But I’m glad OP that you don’t seem affected by the mental load.

I disagree with this completely. You're right in that there was a lot to do and less "help" in the form of technology, but I clearly remember that our parents had iron clad boundaries around their own time. My mum hated getting up early so we weren't allowed to wake her up and Dad did all the morning tasks - including on weekends.

Dad came home from work and read the evening paper with a drink for 30 minutes every night.... we did not interrupt... and he was part of an exercise club so that was 90 minutes 3x a week that was inviolate in our house.

Sunday afternoons was mum and dad's time. They watched tv, went for a "lie down", chilled out. We were expected to entertain ourselves.

Does the mental load exist? Yes.
As a single parent of many years and to a very busy child, I understand having to manage everything so well on my own.

What I can't reconcile, is what is the reward for lumping myself with another adult who has weaponised incompetence and is happy to watch me struggle, seething with resentment, while they carry on merrily.

Lack of consideration is not an attractive quality in relationships, and I'll be damned if I'm working full-time, paying half the bills and facilitating some deliberate incompetent's life. No thank you!