To be angry at ex hiding cancer diagnosis?

Well. you didn't tell him you'd been fucking somebody else until it suited you to do so, seems fair enough that he doesn't tell you he's got cancer until it suits him to do so, really.

Heis dealing in his own way with a life threatening illness. You need to stop being selfish and considerate his feelings.

I suspect he thinks of you as more of an ex than you realise.

FWIW, if I had a similarly serious diagnosis, I don't think I would tell anyone unless there was a legal reason for me to do so (eg making wills).

The self-absorption is strong in this one.

Perhaps, just perhaps, he was trying to spare you and the children the worry by completing his treatment and getting the all clear. Poor man - probably trying to be thoughtful - and to have it thrown back in his face. YABVU.

Presumably he doesn’t want anyone making a fuss. You really should respect his way of dealing with it.

It's not all about you love

You've behaved terribly, snooping in his post, confronting him with something he'd clearly chosen to keep to himself which he had every right to do, and, now, making it all about you.

You aren't married, you're separated. Why are you snooping through his mail in the first place? I'd be furious if I was him.

You aren't in a relationship. Stop making his cancer diagnosis all about you.

AIBU to think 1. He should have told me, and 2. He should keep me updated? We have two early teen kids.

Did you even stop to think 1. Not telling any one was perhaps his choice as a way of coping with a terrible situation where he doesn't otherwise have much control. That he wanted some normality in his life, to be treated as himself, instead of being seen as a cancer sufferer. You have taken that choice and control away from him at a time when HE needed it. What you want is irrelevant here. 2. No your ex's private health is none of your business unless he chooses to share with you.

You need to apologise for snooping and tell him you will keep out of his business/not mention it again, act normal, but if he wants to talk you are there. And do not tell another soul, it is his choice.

It’s very common for people to keep this sort of health information to themselves for many reasons. It’s understandable for you to feel upset but YABU to expect he would tell you. Make sure not to centre yourself at this time, a cancer diagnoses is always traumatic and people cope in whatever ways they can.

OP, I'm a man, I suffer with enlarged prostate / prostatitis, may very well get prostate cancer at some point. I know several friends who have it, at various stages, and don't talk about it.

I only found out a mate had it as he had a packet of Tamsulosin on his dining table, causing me to say "dicky prostate then?"

Men, by in large, don't talk about health matters in the way the ladies do - I teach in a large school with quite a tight staff and know all about various ladies ops for this and that as they like to share (which is fine), nothing, nada, will about any of the chaps.

Is it bad men don't talk that way, probably yes, buts its how we as a gender seem to operate.

Let the guy get on with it, he simply doesn't want a fuss.

698 votes
96% YABU

I think that is pretty much unanimous by MN standards. I’m sorry for your ex that he is ill but this is madness making your ex’s illness all about you. It is really not ok.

Reading someone’s private medical correspondence without permission is illegal and an invasion of privacy.

Confronting someone about a serious medical diagnosis and making it about you, even though it’s none of your business, is so obviously wrong that I’m struggling to believe this is real.

Of course you’re BU! You’re separated! All the blah blah about spending time together counts for zilch if you are not a couple any more.

Medical issues are for that person alone to decide how to deal with. If he doesn’t want the kids to know, that’s his right.

Prostate cancer is very common in older men, (I assume he’s no spring chicken if you were together 25 years) and many live long active lives with it, without too much trouble.

As for snooping through his post, I have no words.

Well, in your - seriously deranged - case I can 100% see why he didn't share his diagnosis.

Sounds like you still love him and this could be the time to tell him

it’s his business and I’d do similar because other people being dramatic would stress me out

x

It is 100% his business. Keep your nose out.

You are very unreasonable. Snooping through your exs mail is unacceptable.

You are divorced. You have no right to know anything about your exs health. He has moved on. Accept it.

You sound absolutely awful.

If you want a relationship where you tell each other everything then you don't separate, you have no right to know what's happening in his life just because you share DC. You're one of those people who thinks they own their Ex forever because you have DC, well sorry but you're wrong

I‘m married and I don’t look at my DH’s correspondence, because, you know, private.

You might reflect on your own behaviour here and not make his diagnosis about you.

Your behaviour is so outrageous I find it hard to believe it's real.

Yeah I’d be reporting to the police for stalking and harassment.

Possibly they would. But it doesn't remove the fact that it's still his private medical information and he is under zero obligation to tell her. It is his choice to tell people or not. I have cancer. I'm limiting the number of people I tell because I don't want them to worry. It's not a Mumsnet rule, it's my choice!

I can't imagine how furious I would be if I discovered somebody found this out by going through my post and then made it all about them!