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Original poster

To be angry at ex hiding cancer diagnosis?

233 replies

PlainJaneBrain · 07/09/2025 16:06

After 25+ years together we’ve been separated for 2 and half years now but remained very close and dependent on each other not least as co-parents, but aside from living in different house and flat from each other, we probably usually spend more time in each others’ company than we did when we were together.

We saw less of each other over summer than we normally do and I thought that was just down to our holidays and the kids not aligning particularly well. But I found out on Friday that he was diagnosed with stage 3 prostate cancer at the end of July and has had several rounds of radiotherapy. He didn’t tell anyone except someone he works with so he could take time off (he’s actually self employed and told this other person so they could cover his work when needed). But he didn’t tell me, his own Mum, siblings or anyone else. I found out almost by accident (snooping in his post while at his flat). I ended up confronting him and he was just so bloody casual about it it’s really upset me and made me angry.

I wouldn’t mind but when we were together he was the world’s worst hypochondriac and now he’s like “it’s no one’s business and who cares anyway”. He’s lost quite a bit of weight and obviously lied to me about that saying he was dieting.

I know he doesn’t believe it but he still means the world to me and I’m gutted he doesn’t want me to go through this with him.

AIBU to think 1. He should have told me, and 2. He should keep me updated? We have two early teen kids.

OP posts:
Bikergran · 07/09/2025 19:38

His cancer, his coping mechanisms, none of your damned business.

Emptyandsad · 07/09/2025 19:37

You've rather had your arse handed to you on a plate, OP

But I get how you feel. When someone you love falls sick you go through the 5 stages of dealing with grief/shock. And it has been a shock for you.

Yeah you shouldn't have been snooping, but you still have a very close relationship and its hard to get out of the habit of feeling like you share everything. It sounds as if you havent really put any boundaries in place to define your new relationship.

But in the end, you're going to have to play this by his rules. It's his cancer, not yours and you are just a side show here. He's no.1, your kids are no.2 and you will have an important role to play in helping them deal with it.

It's not necessarily a death sentence, so talk to him and really listen to what he wants

Good luck

Tartantotty · 07/09/2025 19:33

Snooping is gross. Can't believe you posted this

TreatTreat · 07/09/2025 19:32

PlainJaneBrain · 07/09/2025 16:06

After 25+ years together we’ve been separated for 2 and half years now but remained very close and dependent on each other not least as co-parents, but aside from living in different house and flat from each other, we probably usually spend more time in each others’ company than we did when we were together.

We saw less of each other over summer than we normally do and I thought that was just down to our holidays and the kids not aligning particularly well. But I found out on Friday that he was diagnosed with stage 3 prostate cancer at the end of July and has had several rounds of radiotherapy. He didn’t tell anyone except someone he works with so he could take time off (he’s actually self employed and told this other person so they could cover his work when needed). But he didn’t tell me, his own Mum, siblings or anyone else. I found out almost by accident (snooping in his post while at his flat). I ended up confronting him and he was just so bloody casual about it it’s really upset me and made me angry.

I wouldn’t mind but when we were together he was the world’s worst hypochondriac and now he’s like “it’s no one’s business and who cares anyway”. He’s lost quite a bit of weight and obviously lied to me about that saying he was dieting.

I know he doesn’t believe it but he still means the world to me and I’m gutted he doesn’t want me to go through this with him.

AIBU to think 1. He should have told me, and 2. He should keep me updated? We have two early teen kids.

You snooping in his post is unforgivable. He probably knows what a self centred arse you are and that's why he didn't tell you. How about letting him deal with this his own way?

ShodAndShadySenators · 07/09/2025 19:28

"I found out almost by accident snooping in his post while at his flat". Fixed that for you OP.

This is an extremely despicable thing to do. Other people's private medical records are PRIVATE. That means you are not supposed to go sticking your beak in where it doesn't belong. It doesn't matter how close you think you are. It doesn't matter that you have a couple of kids together. It's HIS information, not yours.

I can't believe you have the audacity to be angry with him. You've got the brassiest neck in the world. Wind it in and leave him alone if you can't behave with decency towards him.

WaitWhatWhatWait · 07/09/2025 19:19

I found out almost by accident (snooping in his post while at his flat)...
You didn't find out by accident, you were snooping!! If I was him, I'd be so angry at you. How dare you?!

Rosscameasdoody · 07/09/2025 19:15

I had a breast cancer diagnosis last year - stage 3. I was very selective about who I told, and chose not to tell my partner the full nature of the diagnosis until I was sure it hadn’t spread and treatment was successful. OP, kindly, this isn’t about you. It’s a very strange feeling sitting across the room from someone who is telling you you have cancer - l know one in two people will be diagnosed with it at some stage in their lives, but it’s still something you think of happening to other people. You don’t know how you will react until it happens to you and you have no right to be angry he kept it from you.

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 07/09/2025 19:15

@Aniedu Have you posted on the wrong thread?

ManchesterLu · 07/09/2025 19:11

His illness, his decision about who he tells.

End of discussion, absolutely nothing more to say.

It. Is. Not. About. YOU.

Aniedu · 07/09/2025 19:09

Gosh OP I really feel for you, how awful to be going through this…..! Your ex on the other hand, sounds like he’s having an easy time do it and really should be thinking about your feelings.

MissMoneyFairy · 07/09/2025 19:01

BluePearOntheRocks · 07/09/2025 18:43

If there's one person most people won't discuss personal details with, it's their ex!

Plenty time to go in full details if things go bad and unfortunately the kids have to be told, and arrangements have to be made.

Early stage of treatment? Hell no. You are an ex for a reason.

She's an ex because she cheated on him

Coffeeishot · 07/09/2025 18:55

MissMoneyFairy · 07/09/2025 18:52

They weren't married, she cheated on him, they split then got back together for a while, kids are grown up, ex never trusted her again or got over her cheating, she still gets jealous and expects him to pander to her demands, it's all in her previous posts.

Show quote history

Sounds like a melodrama.

MissMoneyFairy · 07/09/2025 18:52

Brainstorm23 · 07/09/2025 17:03

Have I read the same post as everyone else? I can't fathom why OP is getting so much shit about this. Snooping through his post is completely out of order but apart from that I don't see why everyone is getting so worked up.

They were married 25 years, have two kids and still spend a fair bit of time together. It affects her as it will affect the kids and I think he has a responsibility to share the information with her.

They weren't married, she cheated on him, they split then got back together for a while, kids are grown up, ex never trusted her again or got over her cheating, she still gets jealous and expects him to pander to her demands, it's all in her previous posts.

MissConductUS · 07/09/2025 18:50

I'm not surprised he didn't tell you. He's had a lucky escape.

ksbeikeb · 07/09/2025 18:50

People are being quite harsh towards you. Obviously it’s not ok to look at his post. But I think it’s understandable that you’re angry/in shock, especially as you have children and were together for so long. However, you should try to let that anger go. He’s not your partner any more.

BluePearOntheRocks · 07/09/2025 18:43

If there's one person most people won't discuss personal details with, it's their ex!

Plenty time to go in full details if things go bad and unfortunately the kids have to be told, and arrangements have to be made.

Early stage of treatment? Hell no. You are an ex for a reason.

MissMoneyFairy · 07/09/2025 18:41

Maybe thinking he was the world's worst hypochondriac didn't endear him to you or think it's worth discussing his health with you, he owes you nothing.

TheDogsMother · 07/09/2025 18:40

As someone who has had a cancer diagnosis it is entirely that person’s choice how they deal with that diagnosis. I would hope that a partner or parent might share this so I could support them but I have no right to know and neither do you.

TitaniasAss · 07/09/2025 18:40

Newsflash, this isn't about you.

I kept my diagnosis quiet and only told my closest friends. Several of my workmates didn't know why I was off until I returned and had no hair.

He can tell, or not tell, whoever he wants. You are no longer his wife and his priority is no doubt to get well. Shame on you for snooping too.

trailmx · 07/09/2025 18:39

TheBucketWomen · 07/09/2025 16:32

I found out almost by accident (snooping in his post while at his flat).

That was no “almost“

it looks like you were snooping through his post out of sheer nosiness, you didn’t have any suspicions or concerns.
i hope your ex bans you from his home

FlockofSquirrels · 07/09/2025 18:38

LovelyLuluu · 07/09/2025 18:34

If he was for palliative treatment then I suppose you would expect him to discuss plans with you relating to the children’s future.

Stage 3 cancer is often curable.
If he's had radiotherapy he's likely going to be okay but will presumably be on meds for 2 years. These meds make men very tired.

We've (sadly) a few friends going through prostate cancer treatment at the moment.

Edited

Indeed. The survival rate for stage III prostate cancer is north of 95%.

It’s absolutely not time to start making plans for the children or preparing them for his possible death.

LovelyLuluu · 07/09/2025 18:38

NannyOggsScones · 07/09/2025 18:22

You’d never cross my doorstep again if you snooped in my post - shocking behaviour, no wonder you’re divorced.

OP does say 'separated' so not clear if they are divorced or were married.

MumWifeOther · 07/09/2025 18:37

Don’t make this about you.

This reaction is the last thing he needs to be dealing with.

Sort yourself out ffs!

LovelyLuluu · 07/09/2025 18:34

If he was for palliative treatment then I suppose you would expect him to discuss plans with you relating to the children’s future.

Stage 3 cancer is often curable.
If he's had radiotherapy he's likely going to be okay but will presumably be on meds for 2 years. These meds make men very tired.

We've (sadly) a few friends going through prostate cancer treatment at the moment.

DrowningInSyrup · 07/09/2025 18:33

I understand why you feel like you do, because of the effect that it will have on your children. I also understand that this reaction comes from a place of fear, not malice. But you really shouldn't be snooping and he should be able to deal with this illness in his own way. I really do understand how you feel though. This is your first reaction, it won't be the most prevailing one.

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