Page 4 | Dating - am I unreasonable to just nip it in the bud?

MondeoFan · 2025-09-07T12:18:20+00:00

Started seeing a new bf and have had 4 dates so far. The dates have been lovely, but he doesn’t ask me any questions at all. Like not a single thing? I think this is weird! Isn’t he interested in finding out about me or my life. I’ve told him a few bits willingly but he hasn’t asked. He texts daily when we can’t see each other but sometimes he won’t message all day and only much later in the evening. Am I overthinking it? Or should I just nip it in the bud and tell him I think the reason is he doesn’t seem really interested? The dates go really well, and when I get home I always think awwww how lovely it was. Should I give it a bit longer?

Original poster

MondeoFan · 07/09/2025 21:27

@Onthebusses I am too old to have any more kids. So the kids thing is defo out the question. He has his own house and it’s immaculate so I already know he’d do half the house chores

OP posts:

RapunzelHadExtensions · 07/09/2025 21:15

Onthebusses · 07/09/2025 20:48

So he wants a serious relationship. In his mind what does that entail, exactly?

Talk about that next with him. What you offer one another and what obligations you have for one another.

After this talk about life goals and things like that.

Before you even think of committing to him to have kids you need to know

parenting styles
is hitting okay?
home ed or school
views on medical stuff
political views
co-sleeping or own room at 6 months?
support you breastfeeding?
will he do half the house chores

etc. etc. etc.

Jesus christ they've been on 4 dates 😂😂

WILL HE SUPPORT YOU BREASTFEEDING HAHAHAHA.
This is iconic.

Onthebusses · 07/09/2025 20:48

So he wants a serious relationship. In his mind what does that entail, exactly?

Talk about that next with him. What you offer one another and what obligations you have for one another.

After this talk about life goals and things like that.

Before you even think of committing to him to have kids you need to know

parenting styles
is hitting okay?
home ed or school
views on medical stuff
political views
co-sleeping or own room at 6 months?
support you breastfeeding?
will he do half the house chores

etc. etc. etc.

LauritaEvita · 07/09/2025 18:52

You don’t fancy him. It doesn’t really sound like he fancies you. Don’t spend another minute on this. Life is too short.

Missj25 · 07/09/2025 18:43

MondeoFan · 07/09/2025 17:45

@Lovetosurfi know what you’re saying, I just meant well as in “no awkward silences” and we have stuff in common. Talked about cars mainly as that’s our mutual interest, and what gigs look good for next year. But he literally doesn’t know how old my kids are, where I work, where I grew up, if my parents are still around etc…I feel like I know everything about him including why him and his ex split up, what cars his immediate neighbours have, his fave food, etc

Anyone that comes on here & says ‘ some people just aren’t nosy , & it’s great he isn’t all questions’ please FFS !!
4 th date , doesn’t know where OP works , how old her kids are , hasn’t asked her one thing about herself !
That’s just weird..
Dating is about getting to know one another …
Isn’t it plain to God he should be interested in these things ..

Original poster

MondeoFan · 07/09/2025 18:30

@Jackiepumpkinhead haha problem is I always go for the wrong type of men the more “exciting ones” and they always treat me like crap, lie, cheat etc so this time I’ve tried to meet someone in a more “conventional way” someone I already have a common interest with, I know for sure he’s definitely single and is a well liked and respected member of the car club. I think for now I’ll just have to see how it goes, and maybe say to him “how come you don’t ask anything about me” I just thought I’d ask the much trusted mumsnetters first. And yes I don’t immediately fancy him but thought as I got to know him, hopefully the fancy bit will all come together.

OP posts:

Jackiepumpkinhead · 07/09/2025 18:12

MondeoFan · 07/09/2025 17:30

@DiscoBobyes I don’t really fancy him either, but I was hoping that might get better the more we got to know each other. I feel like I know all about him, and he knows nothing about me. I’d like to ask him a few things next time I see him to see if he knows. Maybe I’ll say to him are you really Intrested as you don’t seem to ask me anything. I think he’s a little shy, he seemed really nervous on the first date.

You don't fancy him and he doesn’t ask you any questions? Come on, OP, stop wasting your precious time.

Gettingbysomehow · 07/09/2025 18:01

Quite honestly I find men are generally not interested in us or our lives.
I've had evenings at the clubs and hobbies I go to where a man will talk at me about himself all evening if allowed and end up not even knowing my name while I end up knowing all about him.
I don't let this happen any more, if a man does this I'll just say how nice and walk off to talk to someone else.
It's sadly so common.

Missj25 · 07/09/2025 18:00

RapunzelHadExtensions · 07/09/2025 16:37

Wow you can really tell the posters who never ask questions on this thread 😂

YANBU at all OP. I'm in a LTR now but was OLD a few years ago and it was the biggest ick to me, would never get a second date with those ones and would tell them why.
One guy it was so awful I thought I'm not going to see him again so I just gave up and we sat in silence. At one point he had the gumption to say 'Soooo....what else can I say'. It was painful.
Another one again I knew his whole career history, from year bloody 7 all the way to present day, his mums name and where she lived, dogs name and breed, with a potted timeline of photos, and that his best mate was currently in Krakow and the inner workings of his friendship circle. Absolutely nothing back from him when I asked him questions.
At the end of the date he messaged saying what a great time he had (of course he had, he'd had a human sounding board for the last hour!) and he'd like to see me again.
I'd had enough at this point so I just replied something like 'I tell you what, I'll go on another date with you if you can tell me what my job is'.
He replies 'lol you got me there 😂😂'

It's exhausting and as you say baffling. Do these people just not care? Or think you'll just offer up the information randomly and awkwardly dropped into conversation when you can get a word in edgeways?

I've always believed a conversation should be a tennis match, just some people like to hold the ball.

Throw this one back. Once you've noticed it you won't be able to unnotice it.

This exactly 👌

cinnamonda · 07/09/2025 17:58

goodness gracious- if they ask questions they are “too nosy” if they don’t they “don’t care” - you just can’t win with this generation of perfectionist expectations!

Ask yourself- Are you enjoying your time when with him? If yes, stop overthinking and take it a day at a time.
if you want to share about yourself, do, if not don’t. He is being respectful towards you, appreciate it. He obviously wants to know you, why else is he asking you out again and again.
good luck

Original poster

MondeoFan · 07/09/2025 17:55

@GarlicPinthe told me she “made some poor financial decisions” and they are still on speaking terms. I was waiting for him to say “because she went to work and I didn’t think she even had a job” haha

OP posts:

GarlicPint · 07/09/2025 17:51

MondeoFan · 07/09/2025 17:45

@Lovetosurfi know what you’re saying, I just meant well as in “no awkward silences” and we have stuff in common. Talked about cars mainly as that’s our mutual interest, and what gigs look good for next year. But he literally doesn’t know how old my kids are, where I work, where I grew up, if my parents are still around etc…I feel like I know everything about him including why him and his ex split up, what cars his immediate neighbours have, his fave food, etc

Hah, why did they split up in his view?
Does he actually know who his ex was??

GarlicPint · 07/09/2025 17:49

Thundertoast · 07/09/2025 14:46

I would agree with a PP that some people are brought up that asking questions is nosy, others are brought up that not asking questions is rude etc, but he's trying to date you!

A man who doesn't ask you questions is just trying to fill the girlfriend shaped hole in his life, and isnt actually interested in meeting a great person to be a good partner to.

to fill the girlfriend shaped hole in his life

This is it. After four dates, he's shown zero interest in WHO you are; he's basically using you as "some female company" and only cares about what you can do for him - be a flattering mirror for his ego, appreciate his opinions on cars and music, look nice enough. He doesn't see you as a fully-formed human being in your own right.

I can hear your disappointment, OP, but in my experience it isn't worth investing yourself in someone you have to teach to be a halfway decent partner. It always goes wrong.

Original poster

MondeoFan · 07/09/2025 17:45

@Lovetosurfi know what you’re saying, I just meant well as in “no awkward silences” and we have stuff in common. Talked about cars mainly as that’s our mutual interest, and what gigs look good for next year. But he literally doesn’t know how old my kids are, where I work, where I grew up, if my parents are still around etc…I feel like I know everything about him including why him and his ex split up, what cars his immediate neighbours have, his fave food, etc

OP posts:

Lovetosurf · 07/09/2025 17:41

How have you actually got through four dates without him asking any questions? I'm not sure how a date can 'go well' if only one person is putting in the effort. Takes two to have a conversation! Lack of curiosity is very dull. Sounds boring to me, that he can't make the effort to ask one single question about you.
Even if he's shy, by the 2nd date you'd think he'd feel comfortable enough to find out more about you with a question or two!

Original poster

MondeoFan · 07/09/2025 17:30

@DiscoBobyes I don’t really fancy him either, but I was hoping that might get better the more we got to know each other. I feel like I know all about him, and he knows nothing about me. I’d like to ask him a few things next time I see him to see if he knows. Maybe I’ll say to him are you really Intrested as you don’t seem to ask me anything. I think he’s a little shy, he seemed really nervous on the first date.

OP posts:

Original poster

MondeoFan · 07/09/2025 17:28

@Hallywallyand these are the exact thoughts I’m having. I had high hopes aswell as I didn’t meet him on OLD, we met at a car show as we have the same car in common, so I thought this will be fab. First date - lunch date, chatted about himself whole 2 hours. Second date - fun date so not much time to talk, but went there and back in same car - still no questions at all. We both have kids, jobs, ex’s, parents etc. He has not asked me a single question. He’s been single 2 years, and I’ve only been single about 2 months so part of me though is he just lonely? Does he just want female company. I’m honestly gutted

OP posts:

Hallywally · 07/09/2025 16:52

@cranberryhaddockwhen you’re dating it’s rude to ask questions about someone? Are you for real? 😂😂 So you date something and get into a relationship with them knowing nothing about them?! How can you be in a relationship with them?! The whole point of dating is to get to know them.

DiscoBob · 07/09/2025 16:51

I do know some people a bit like this. As a friend in small doses it's fine, but in a relationship you end up resentful as it's so one sided. And if you don't ask them anything they still blather on about themselves into oblivion. Yawn.

So yeah, I'd say it won't get better. If you really fancy him then ONS/FWB at a push. Otherwise I'd leave it.

Hallywally · 07/09/2025 16:50

Some men are content to see a woman they’re not really that bothered about, for any length of time- for sex, female company, female attention, something to do. Just because you’re not having sex yet doesn’t mean he’s into you. Ditch.

RapunzelHadExtensions · 07/09/2025 16:48

cranberryhaddock · 07/09/2025 13:52

Not RTFT but I think you’re being a bit harsh if this is the only potential issue. Some people grow up being told it’s nosy to ask people questions about their lives, unfortunately I'm one of them as my mum has a hang-up about it. Yes people can and should evolve as adults, but all I’m saying is asking questions doesn’t come naturally to all of us.

This is so bizarre. And yes, it's rude.

How do you ever find out about someone?

How do you ever know their job/family/feelings on something?

Do you not ask your OH how they're day was because it's 'rude'? Or your kids how school was? Or for feedback at work?

Honestly your mum is wrong and she will have lost out by being this way. I can pick up on these sorts of people very quickly and my heart sinks.

The best is when you get two of them together (presumably you and your mum?)

I was in a queue the other day and the 'conversation' went like this of two older women in front of me.

1 - Hi Sandra
2 - Oh hi Rachel! I'm just doing my weekly shop, the prices here are much better, I think the lamb is on offer, they have...
1 - Yes I'm here to get my grandson a present, he's 5 today look here he is (gets phone out)
2 - My Archie is 4 now. Oh he's such a handsome boy. He starts school in September. Here (shoves phone in her face) Look he's got Michelle's eyes you can see, his dad works at....
1 - Ah here it is, this is Louie. (starts scrolling) this was us at the beach last week haha he loved the sandcastles, he said to me 'nanny can we live in a sandcastle' hahahahaha
2- Louie wouldn't like that, he doesn't like sand
1 - Oh here's another one, oh look at him, he had found a ladybird but oh he was so gentle, he put it right on his hand here you can see
2 - Here it is, I knew it was here somewhere. This was Louie when he was 2 oh my gosh he was tiny hes always been on the smaller side, but then so was my Michelle
1 - Best be off, got to get this lamb
2 - Yes, bye then.

I was stood in bafflement 😂
Did either of them leave them 'conversation' thinking 'wow that was great to see her, how lovely to catch up'

RapunzelHadExtensions · 07/09/2025 16:37

Wow you can really tell the posters who never ask questions on this thread 😂

YANBU at all OP. I'm in a LTR now but was OLD a few years ago and it was the biggest ick to me, would never get a second date with those ones and would tell them why.
One guy it was so awful I thought I'm not going to see him again so I just gave up and we sat in silence. At one point he had the gumption to say 'Soooo....what else can I say'. It was painful.
Another one again I knew his whole career history, from year bloody 7 all the way to present day, his mums name and where she lived, dogs name and breed, with a potted timeline of photos, and that his best mate was currently in Krakow and the inner workings of his friendship circle. Absolutely nothing back from him when I asked him questions.
At the end of the date he messaged saying what a great time he had (of course he had, he'd had a human sounding board for the last hour!) and he'd like to see me again.
I'd had enough at this point so I just replied something like 'I tell you what, I'll go on another date with you if you can tell me what my job is'.
He replies 'lol you got me there 😂😂'

It's exhausting and as you say baffling. Do these people just not care? Or think you'll just offer up the information randomly and awkwardly dropped into conversation when you can get a word in edgeways?

I've always believed a conversation should be a tennis match, just some people like to hold the ball.

Throw this one back. Once you've noticed it you won't be able to unnotice it.

LauritaEvita · 07/09/2025 16:02

I wouldn’t have got past the first date. How is he just not interested in asking you anything? I would find that really hard to understand. Also, after 4 dates and still interested, he should totally be texting things like ‘had a great time, can’t wait to see you again’ etc. If he’s not thinking these things, then he really shouldn’t continue asking you on dates.

NoVibrato · 07/09/2025 14:52

It's actually one of the biggest red flags in the world (and all too common): no interest in you, your life experiences, your career, your own interests beyond the shared ones; no trying to find out what is special and distinct about you. Please walk away!

nomas · 07/09/2025 14:46

I would tell him how you feel. That you love spending time with him but you feel he never shows interest in you.

And then put the ball in his court. Stop asking him questions. Of it leads to a silence, let the silence sit. Let him feel it.