Page 3 | Dating - am I unreasonable to just nip it in the bud?

MondeoFan · 2025-09-07T12:18:20+00:00

Started seeing a new bf and have had 4 dates so far. The dates have been lovely, but he doesn’t ask me any questions at all. Like not a single thing? I think this is weird! Isn’t he interested in finding out about me or my life. I’ve told him a few bits willingly but he hasn’t asked. He texts daily when we can’t see each other but sometimes he won’t message all day and only much later in the evening. Am I overthinking it? Or should I just nip it in the bud and tell him I think the reason is he doesn’t seem really interested? The dates go really well, and when I get home I always think awwww how lovely it was. Should I give it a bit longer?

HappyintheHills · 09/09/2025 15:01

cranberryhaddock · 07/09/2025 13:52

Not RTFT but I think you’re being a bit harsh if this is the only potential issue. Some people grow up being told it’s nosy to ask people questions about their lives, unfortunately I'm one of them as my mum has a hang-up about it. Yes people can and should evolve as adults, but all I’m saying is asking questions doesn’t come naturally to all of us.

Agreed. My mum told me it was rude to ask questions. It fucked me up.
@MondeoFan Have you tried telling him that it’s ok for him to ask questions?

HappyintheHills · 09/09/2025 15:01

cranberryhaddock · 07/09/2025 13:52

Not RTFT but I think you’re being a bit harsh if this is the only potential issue. Some people grow up being told it’s nosy to ask people questions about their lives, unfortunately I'm one of them as my mum has a hang-up about it. Yes people can and should evolve as adults, but all I’m saying is asking questions doesn’t come naturally to all of us.

Agreed. My mum told me it was rude to ask questions. It fucked me up.
@MondeoFan Have you tried telling him that it’s ok for him to ask questions?

BauhausOfEliott · 09/09/2025 14:54

MondeoFan · 07/09/2025 17:30

@DiscoBobyes I don’t really fancy him either, but I was hoping that might get better the more we got to know each other. I feel like I know all about him, and he knows nothing about me. I’d like to ask him a few things next time I see him to see if he knows. Maybe I’ll say to him are you really Intrested as you don’t seem to ask me anything. I think he’s a little shy, he seemed really nervous on the first date.

You don't fancy him. You don't think he texts enough. You don't think he's enthusiastic enough about your dates. You don't think he seems very interested in you as a person. You haven't had sex.

I really don't understand what the dilemma is here. He's a man you've only seen four times and you don't find him attractive so just move on.

Original poster

MondeoFan · 09/09/2025 13:40

@DaisyChain505 I think the dates have gone well, as in no uncomfortable silences, not awkward eating in front of each other, we seem to get on well, like the same music and similar cars. But he doesn’t ask me a single question . I asked him about his kids, his job, etc but after 4 dates I noticed he hadn’t asked me a single thing and was pondering why. Just wanted confirmation on here as to whether it’s weird or not

OP posts:

DaisyChain505 · 09/09/2025 11:33

How can you say the dates have gone really well yet say in the same breath that he shows no interest in you?

Youve also said you don’t really fancy him.

Why would you want to continue this?

Onthebusses · 09/09/2025 11:30

cranberryhaddock · 09/09/2025 09:58

Good grief, these aren't questions you ask when you're four dates in! Well, not in my experience anyway.

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Discuss all that before you enter into a situation where you are heading for anything serious.

cranberryhaddock · 09/09/2025 09:58

Onthebusses · 07/09/2025 20:48

So he wants a serious relationship. In his mind what does that entail, exactly?

Talk about that next with him. What you offer one another and what obligations you have for one another.

After this talk about life goals and things like that.

Before you even think of committing to him to have kids you need to know

parenting styles
is hitting okay?
home ed or school
views on medical stuff
political views
co-sleeping or own room at 6 months?
support you breastfeeding?
will he do half the house chores

etc. etc. etc.

Good grief, these aren't questions you ask when you're four dates in! Well, not in my experience anyway.

Silverbirchleaf · 09/09/2025 06:35

I don’t really see a problem with not texting all day, and only at night.

You obviously don’t fancy him, so call it a day.

Summerhillsquare · 09/09/2025 03:28

Hallywally · 07/09/2025 13:51

The not asking you any questions about yourself thing is just plain odd and indicates he just sees you as a FWB or place holder until someone he really likes comes along. Get rid.

Nope, it's just that a lot of men are self absorbed and see women as the supporting cast.

Lavagirl · 08/09/2025 20:29

I'm also OLD, after my divorce. And tbh I dont think mumsnet AIBU is a great space for dating advice at all. A lot of responders haven't dated for years and are very quick to tell you to 'chuck him back' at any sign of imperfection... despite tolerating some absolutely shocking behaviour from DHs!!
In this situation, I think you could gently let him know that you'd really like him to demonstrate his interest in you by asking questions. See what he does with the prompt, then decide. Dont 'chuck him back' without giving him a chance to do what you want! Good luck 👍

Original poster

MondeoFan · 08/09/2025 18:02

@PigletSanders good question. I think it’s because we are both in the same car club, I thought it was really going to work but I just feel disappointed in how it’s going. I will give it one more time of seeing him and will ask him this week about how he thinks it’s going 🥴

OP posts:

PigletSanders · 08/09/2025 17:48

MondeoFan · 07/09/2025 17:30

@DiscoBobyes I don’t really fancy him either, but I was hoping that might get better the more we got to know each other. I feel like I know all about him, and he knows nothing about me. I’d like to ask him a few things next time I see him to see if he knows. Maybe I’ll say to him are you really Intrested as you don’t seem to ask me anything. I think he’s a little shy, he seemed really nervous on the first date.

🤣 why are you bothering?!

Jackiepumpkinhead · 08/09/2025 13:17

MondeoFan · 07/09/2025 18:30

@Jackiepumpkinhead haha problem is I always go for the wrong type of men the more “exciting ones” and they always treat me like crap, lie, cheat etc so this time I’ve tried to meet someone in a more “conventional way” someone I already have a common interest with, I know for sure he’s definitely single and is a well liked and respected member of the car club. I think for now I’ll just have to see how it goes, and maybe say to him “how come you don’t ask anything about me” I just thought I’d ask the much trusted mumsnetters first. And yes I don’t immediately fancy him but thought as I got to know him, hopefully the fancy bit will all come together.

It’s tough out there! I think you’re right to mention the lack of interest and questions to him, and go from there. I wish you luck, and don’t settle for any less than you deserve!

gannett · 08/09/2025 09:49

Some people don't ask questions because they don't want to come across as intrusive or interrogating.

Some people don't ask questions because they're very self-absorbed and are only interested in themselves.

I feel like it's always pretty easy to work out which one's which. The former will talk about non-personal topics (music, politics, sport) which let you offer your own opinion without necessarily being asked - and that's how they find out more about you. The latter will talk about themselves, their lives, their personal anecdotes at great length - sometimes they can be entertaining but they're really not interested in you!

DisappearingGirl · 08/09/2025 09:42

Honestly I think this can be a man thing (not all men but a lot of them). My DP is a bit like this. He's a lovely man but his brain will naturally go to talking about (say) music and cars [or insert relevant common interest], not people / relationships / social things.

If he meets up with his friend, I might say afterwards, Oh how is Fred's new baby? And he will say, Oh I don't know, we just talked about the new X album.

AntiHop · 08/09/2025 09:38

If you're dissatisfied this early on, then he's not for you. I would feel the same as you btw.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/09/2025 09:37

I didn’t go on a second date with an otherwise decent guy for this exact reason. The very few questions he did ask me, he interrupted me and starting telling his own related story :opinion over mine.
he wanted an audience, not to get to know me as a human.

DiscoBob · 08/09/2025 09:35

MondeoFan · 07/09/2025 17:30

@DiscoBobyes I don’t really fancy him either, but I was hoping that might get better the more we got to know each other. I feel like I know all about him, and he knows nothing about me. I’d like to ask him a few things next time I see him to see if he knows. Maybe I’ll say to him are you really Intrested as you don’t seem to ask me anything. I think he’s a little shy, he seemed really nervous on the first date.

If you don't really fancy him forget it!

Onthebusses · 08/09/2025 09:00

MondeoFan · 07/09/2025 21:27

@Onthebusses I am too old to have any more kids. So the kids thing is defo out the question. He has his own house and it’s immaculate so I already know he’d do half the house chores

Ah okay, well still ensure you are able to live with him before you live with him.

Swiftie1878 · 08/09/2025 08:35

Onthebusses · 08/09/2025 08:15

Just an example of the things you need to iron out.

Should they split is he going to demand a baby is with him half the time?
Is he going to tell you you can't do it in public?
Is he going to tell you it's weird past 1 year?

People fail to work this stuff out and suffer the consequences.

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They’ve had 4 dates…

Enough4me · 08/09/2025 08:30

OP he's not looking for personal discussion or integration with another person's life. He just wants someone who listens to him and meets his basic needs to talk about hobbies with. If you look presentable in his tidy house I expect he'll continue to meet you but there's no spark or excitement.
Likewise, I expect sex would be on his terms and your opinion wouldn't matter.
If this type of relationship isn't working for you, you can move on. Even if the next one has more stress if it includes emotions at least it won't be dull.

Onthebusses · 08/09/2025 08:15

RapunzelHadExtensions · 07/09/2025 21:15

Jesus christ they've been on 4 dates 😂😂

WILL HE SUPPORT YOU BREASTFEEDING HAHAHAHA.
This is iconic.

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Just an example of the things you need to iron out.

Should they split is he going to demand a baby is with him half the time?
Is he going to tell you you can't do it in public?
Is he going to tell you it's weird past 1 year?

People fail to work this stuff out and suffer the consequences.

GarlicPint · 08/09/2025 00:11

Lasttramtofleetwood · 07/09/2025 22:45

"Don't ask him about it. Men don't like to be asked questions. It's why they never ask us any; they're leading by example"

If this one were leading by example, he'd be expecting OP to vomit her entire life history, parental pedigrees, pets' names and habits, etc, all over him while he smiles and nods! So where's his leading question/invitation to share?

Lasttramtofleetwood · 07/09/2025 22:45

"Don't ask him about it. Men don't like to be asked questions. It's why they never ask us any; they're leading by example"

cranberryhaddock · 07/09/2025 22:07

RapunzelHadExtensions · 07/09/2025 16:48

This is so bizarre. And yes, it's rude.

How do you ever find out about someone?

How do you ever know their job/family/feelings on something?

Do you not ask your OH how they're day was because it's 'rude'? Or your kids how school was? Or for feedback at work?

Honestly your mum is wrong and she will have lost out by being this way. I can pick up on these sorts of people very quickly and my heart sinks.

The best is when you get two of them together (presumably you and your mum?)

I was in a queue the other day and the 'conversation' went like this of two older women in front of me.

1 - Hi Sandra
2 - Oh hi Rachel! I'm just doing my weekly shop, the prices here are much better, I think the lamb is on offer, they have...
1 - Yes I'm here to get my grandson a present, he's 5 today look here he is (gets phone out)
2 - My Archie is 4 now. Oh he's such a handsome boy. He starts school in September. Here (shoves phone in her face) Look he's got Michelle's eyes you can see, his dad works at....
1 - Ah here it is, this is Louie. (starts scrolling) this was us at the beach last week haha he loved the sandcastles, he said to me 'nanny can we live in a sandcastle' hahahahaha
2- Louie wouldn't like that, he doesn't like sand
1 - Oh here's another one, oh look at him, he had found a ladybird but oh he was so gentle, he put it right on his hand here you can see
2 - Here it is, I knew it was here somewhere. This was Louie when he was 2 oh my gosh he was tiny hes always been on the smaller side, but then so was my Michelle
1 - Best be off, got to get this lamb
2 - Yes, bye then.

I was stood in bafflement 😂
Did either of them leave them 'conversation' thinking 'wow that was great to see her, how lovely to catch up'

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I said my mum was like that, and that I was brought up being told it was nosy to ask questions. I said it didn't come naturally to me as an adult and it doesn't, but your assumption that as an adult I don't ask questions is incorrect. That's because of the growing and evolving I referred to.

Whether it's 'rude' not to ask questions depends entirely on how many and what kind of questions are asked, though, imo. Some people ask so many that it can start to feel like an interrogation, which I think is just as rude as not asking any questions at all. Especially if they interrupt the other person while they're still answering their last question to ask another one. I'd prefer someone not ask me any questions at all than do that, personally.