Boyfriend drinks too much

He may well be nice. Most people have some endearing qualities. Even alcoholics. It’s irrelevant.

You’re not really facing the issue though which is that he’s a problem drinker. Even based on the “best behaviour” he has shown you in the short time you have been together it’s clear he has an advanced problem with alcohol. It’s almost certainly why his marriage ended, regardless of what he has told you.

The thing about alcoholics is that their primary relationship is always alcohol. So all the nice things he does for you and your kids etc are things which will eventually come second after having a drink. He may have told you he will “cut down” but he won’t be able to “cut down”.

He will either have to stop drinking completely (possibly with rehab), or you will be stuck in a cycle of broken promises and worsening health and behaviour. Alcoholism is a progressive disease so it gets worse over time.

I’m sorry if I sound harsh. But the hard reality here is that the number of alcoholics who manage to actually stop are in a minority. He will have to really really want to stop; not because you’ve nagged him but because its his number one priority. Even then the odds are against him stopping.

I just don’t think you have really gripped what you are taking on here or realise how bad it can get. Its just not worth it.

So he knows that and drinks anyway- that’s as good definition of a drink problem as any.

His own children were showing you evidence of how out of control his problem is. And you say he gets drunk every weekend. That’s the time when most people enjoy themselves together.

You’re right to be put off by his drinking. Don’t doubt that. This is who he is and will b week in and week out. All you have is pleasantness on week days. Don’t settle for that.

”My youngest is 7 . She had to meet him at some point as I have no support for child care..”

This comment jumped out at me. I hope this does not mean you are leaving her in the care of an alcoholic you have known a year? Or are you saying whenever you meet him she needs to be there as there is no-one else to look after her (not ideal but a better scenario than the first)?

Anyway, what everyone else said. You need to end this relationship. Read back what you have posted about this man’s actions. If your daughter described a boyfriend to you who displayed that behaviour what would you say?

But it doesn’t sound as if you have any intention of doing that and you have an answer for everything. I don’t see the point of this thread.

Why would you even want someone like this in your life? He sounds revolting and you have young children ?

This

I cut a man off recently partly due to his drinking, he was getting black out drunk every weekend, didn’t know his whereabouts and his friends were calling me at 2 in the morning asking if he’d turned up at mine because they couldn’t find him, falling over, he’d get kicked out of the pubs for being too drunk, bombarding me with messages that made no sense at all, ringing me telling me he’s laid in someone’s front garden and lost(that was the final straw for me) he’s almost 30 and I’d expect someone to grow out of that behaviour way before then, so in his 50s I wouldn’t find it acceptable or appealing tbh. He was a lovely guy when sober, but an absolute pain in the arse once he’d had a drink. Monday would come round and He’d give the whole “I’m cutting down on drinking now it’s no good for me” then guarantee Friday he’d be back out drinking. Only dealt with him for a matter of months because it was too much and in your position I’d be doing the same.

He can't control his drinking, his behaviour when he is drunk is grim, and he is already showing signs of being controlling.

You've got some kind of rescue fantasy going on. Of course he is nice right now, he's still wooing you.

Unless you want an alcoholic cocklodger dragging your life into chaos and blighting your DD's childhood, step away now.

I couldn’t be doing with this. I’d end the relationship and tell him why.

You seem to want people to minimise this and give you permission to carry on, OP.

Carry on if you want. But as someone who was married to an alcoholic (and had an alcoholic for a father), I am telling you that what you are seeing now is the tip of the iceberg.

He is on his absolute best behaviour and its already terrible. His behaviour as you have described here is tragically awful. Imagine what it would be like if, God forbid you moved in together and he really let his guard down.

You have one life and you have children to raise. Would you really throw that away so you can become a carer to a dribbling drunk?

Get rid. No nice side of him will ever compensate for the awful, pitiful alcoholic side of him.

Yabu for staying with him as he’s an alcoholic and a nasty vile drunk. Get rid.

I'm not suggesting you are playing the victim now. I saying that you cannot continue a relationship with a man who clearly cannot control his drinking and play the victim later.

Could he change his drinking habits? He would already have done so if he could control his drinking, it's not quite as straight forward if he's an alcoholic. I think it's possible you are very naive about the reality of alcoholism.

I lived with someone like this OP , he too on the surface was quite kind, good with my kids, thought the sun shone out my arse, but it became clear after about a year he had a serious problem with booze, started to make stupid decisions, got aggressive if I ever dared comment, got very moody if he wasn’t allowed 3 cans a night of ‘strong’ lager - at one point we were very skint and he prioritised buying booze over food, lost his licence and at that point I called it a day ! Seriously OP , alcoholics don’t always present as arseholes, they just often become them.

Sadly it already sounds too late for you it seems like you are already very immersed into this man and relationship. You’ve come here to ask the question and you’ve got some excellent advice but you’ve spent the whole thread making excuses for his behaviour. I’ll bet your friends/family have tried to talk to you about him and you’ve also batted them away making excuses etc. bottom line he’s not a very nice man if he’s doing the things he’s doing. It doesn’t matter if it’s once a week it shouldn’t be happening at all. End it now or you’ll be 5 years down the line in an even worse situation

IMO it’s insane to knowingly get involved with someone with alcohol problems when you have children. With a child that’s only 6 that’s many years of being exposed to a drunk. Just look up some stories of people that had alcoholic parents/step parents. It’s traumatic and he’s not her parent so it’s completely unnecessary for you to bring this man into her life.

Bear in mind, this is him on his best behaviour only nearly a year into your relationship. His ex wife would have some stories for you, I'm sure. He's an alcoholic and will bring the exact opposite of 'peace' to you and your children's life.

If he can change, why hasn't he changed already? Please don't kid yourself that you're the woman who can finally help him change - he needs to do it on his own, for himself, and then start dating when he's properly ready.

As for your assertion that he's a nice man - no, he is not. He's already making steps to start controlling you (getting huffy if you go out) and then blaming it on his insecurities. I'd be interested to see how thay develops if you choose to stay with him.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who was drunk every weekend no matter how nice he is otherwise. It's your choice whether you put up with it or not. I wouldn't. He is not going to change.