To think DH should share his windfall

YABU

It’s his money and he invested it well and it paid off.
You could have chosen to do the same but you didn’t.
It’s likely that whilst he was investing his money, you were spending yours on things you like.

If it was a lot (which sounds like it is) then I would hope he’s buy me something like/take me on holiday but I wouldn’t expect it.

Crypto is gambling.

I would want to 'take the profits' from it and secure your joint future

I love treating my husband and kids when I get a bonus. Often in the form of outings, memorabilia, stuff we wouldn't normally splurge on. I got my daughter a lovely digital piano keyboard and my husband some South American football merch recently. Giving presents is how I like to spend my spare cash.

It's because my brain gets a dopamine hit from giving (psychologists call it the helper's high) and doesn't mean I'm actually a good wife and mother. In a lot of ways I'm not. It's easier for me to be materially generous than to patiently listen to a rambling story, for example, and I am terrible at cleaning up vomit.

If he's a good and caring husband in other ways, the fact he is not generous with his personal money would not bother me.

I'll bite.

Met DH when we were in our mid 30's. I had a house. He didn't. Not only that, he was in a significant amount of debt. I didn't want to combine finances for those 2 reasons.

17 years on, he has cleared his debts, but he's one of life's spenders. Buys all sorts of rubbish, runs 3 cars just because he likes them. I'm not like that. I have one cheap little car and I'm a saver. I have significant savings. He doesn't.

If we combined finances, he would start spending my money. Why would that be good for me?

Works for us.

That’s your money. Marriage is maintain a financial agreement. You're no longer an independent financial entity. So yes you have every right to demand half or dictate how he spends it. He's not free, neither are you.

Stuff like this makes me feel physically ill. Freedom is joyous and makes life worth living.

If the husband had spent his fun money on the euro millions and won £30 million it would, legally be half hers.

i don’t fully understand why people are saying she’s being grabby?

Why on earth do any of you get married if his money isn’t yours too? What do you mean he won’t share money ??? Very strange

If he’d lost his money would you have given him half?

Exactly. So if your DH wins the Euromillions with a ticket he paid for out of his "fun money" he'd be entitled to buy a yacht, a pink rolls royce and go out to the Ritz for lunch every day - all without his wife and family.

If you have a setup where you have separate "fun money" well no he shouldn't share it, you could have done the same with your money but you chose to spend yours on something else. If you had completely joint finances (we have this setup) well it's everyone's to share and we'd decide jointly what it is spent on. You can't have it both ways, either it's 1 pot or you have your separate money. He's overpaid the mortgage so he has shared it anyway.

So it’s not a windfall yet then?

i have an isa I chuck spare money into. Over 30 years we’ve been married it’s built up.

should I cash it in and give half to dh so we can spend in on fun?

it’s my money. It’s invested for emergencies, retirement, the future.

i’d rather keep it invested and retire 5 years earlier than spend it all now. maybe that’s your Dh’s plan as well?

OP said he could make a 'significant' payment on their mortgage so it must be a tidy sum.

We do similar. It's freeing to have a pot of money I can spend/fritter without feeling I need to justify it or be rational. DH buys all sorts of useless (to me) shit as do I, but I do invest a chunk of mine. I like knowing it is there. I have withdrawn lumps in the past to overpay and then pay off the mortgage (which was a joint goal we were both focussed on). I have paid for some extra-fancy trips with it which our holiday fund would not have covered. DH is aware I have extra-marital savings, but not the value. He doesn't ask for it to be spent, but I would cover a need which we couldn't afford from joint finances. He understands that (given my background) that I find it a great comfort to have assets behind me. We are largely on the same page financially - same goals and outlook. But I enjoy investing, so it is a hobby and he finds it boring. If I was being nagged to spend it, I think I would become very secretive about it, and the "hobby" would become more pressured and less fun. So OP, leave your DH alone. He is doing what he wants with his personal spending pot, and is contributing to the household economy with his investments which he has no obligation to do. He could have spent it all on hookers and coke and there would be no mortgage overpayments... Be greatful.

Regardless of my feelings on the OP (which I’m in two minds about!) just replying to your comment about hobbies and interests.

Can you not imagine that people can have a joint account and all their finances are joint, but they are just able
to pay for their hobbies and interests out of that and it’s all fine?

And that people can even have different interests and different levels of expenditure from each other in a a couple and as long as everyone’s happy and it can all be afforded then it doesn’t actually matter if one person spends slightly more than the other?

I'm going to hazard a guess that the amount involved is somewhat less than hundreds of millions of pounds so this whataboutery isn't relevant. It would be good to know roughly how much we are talking about but even if it's a hundred grand, so long as the husband is basically being sensible with it - and it sounds like he is - then I can't see that the OP has much to complain about. If he was pissing away tens of thousands while the roof needed fixing and the OP couldn't afford shoes that would be different.

How is paying off the mortgage a 'personal benefit'?

Because I prefer it that way? Because I am more financially secure should dh leave or die?

o/p it’s his money. It is still benefitting the household as he is spending his windfall for his fun money, rather than taking it out of income.

dh is due a windfall. About 100k. It’s his. He will spend a bit for fun and wants to put the rest away for his retirement. Which indirectly will benefit me as we will have a higher household income in retirement.

you could have been investing your fun money as he did. Presumably you chose to spend it. That’s on you.

I occasionally do the lottery

If, by some miracle I ever won a substantial amount of money, I couldn't imagine that I wouldn't discuss what do with it for the benefit of both of us

We're a partnership, not just two adults living together

Yes, this. I find it so strange that in marriages and partnerships women are described as “grabby” just because they think finances should be shared. I don’t understand how that works on a day to day basis. Does it literally mean that the DH will buy himself an expensive new phone or go on an expensive holiday while the rest of the family go without those things?

@honeylulu I see your post above mine is back.... supports my trigger word theory.

Edit: my post is back now too!

Can’t imagine not sharing anything with my DH, good or bad….

We are a team.

Be happy for him and enjoy his success. If you're jealous and just he will not share a penny. He doesn't have to pay off the mortgage. It's his bonus windfall. I would be booking mini breaks and nice meals out though 😀

How does this kind of plan work if one partner buys a Euromillions ticket with their money and wins the jackpot? Both partners would have entirely different lifestyles.

It seems to have happened with several posts on the thread.

Mine too. Must be a glitch.