To think DH should share his windfall

DH and I agreed early on in our marriage that any and all money coming to either of us, salaries, inheritances, windfalls etc would be joint.
This has served us well over the years, during times when DH earned more than me, when i was on maternity leave for example, and then when my career took off, he changed direction in his and the situation was reversed.
We are both fairly responsible with finances, I don’t know if it would work so well if someone in a partnership was either a spendthrift or a tightarse.
But I’d recommend it if you’re both reasonable with money.
It saves a lot of arguments down the line.

Yes of course, but that's not quite what pp seem to be suggesting by the 'sharing everything equally' comments.

It was his "fun" money, but I still think a loving husband would want to share his good fortune to some extent at least. I suppose the crux of the matter is, if you came into some money, via investment or inheritance, would you share some with him, or at least pay for extra luxuries like exotic or more lavish holidays?

If it is a substantial amount and you have joint debts, like a mortgage or credit cards, I think it would be sensible of him to use at least some of the money to reduce them.

I received an inheritance and wanted to give half to my husband because he has always been very generous with his own money and never questioned what I spent - but he refused. I found it hurtful, because I would feel more at ease doing that. But I do use the money for personal purchases that I formerly paid for from our joint account, and I do use it to pay for holidays or other high cost items.

What did you do with your fun money OP?

I don't get it either

Sounds like heads you win, tails he loses.

Nope.

If he had come to you and said “I stuck all my fun money budget portion into crypto and lost it, can you pay me back for half my losses so I can buy the toys I want and go out for drinks with my pals?” what would you have said?

DH and I have the same set up with individual spending pots for non-bill, non-family expenses. The whole point is that these are each of ours to do with what we see fit, based on what we want for ourselves (individually) - if I want to blow mine on red soled stilettos or bizarre modern art or crypto or imported chocolate I can do that. We share the rest of our money and have joint savings goals and budget decisions, but not that money.

I never understand these my money/ his money threads on here. Yous are married and a family! I inherited a significant amount of money very unexpectedly a few years ago, there was never a question that we would decide what to do with that money together in order to better OUR families lives. I don’t think you should have full control of it and get to unilaterally decide what to do with the money but I would expect to be part of the conversation and get a say on what happens with the money.

So all bills split fairly then they both have fun/pocket money
so OP joint bills
Her own fun money

Benefit for mortgage overpayments

then wants a chunk of what’s DH has done with his fun money

I thinks it’s sensible to use surplus cash to pay off the mortgage. Everyone benefits then. If he’s not up for that I would at least hope he bought you a gift or treated you in some way with a little of the money.

Exactly. Also, I don't think it follows that even if the windfall was designated as 'family money' or joint money or whatever, that means that the OP can do what she wants with it. Like I said, I've got a decent sum saved in ISAs, and so far as I'm concerned that money is there to enable both of us to retire early. I.e. it is money that I fully intend to benefit both of us. However what seems to be being suggested here is that even if I am adamant that that money won't be touched for any other reason (barring disaster obviously), that can be overridden by my OH deciding otherwise. So you'll have the bizarre situation where the person who had the gumption to build up a nest egg has their wishes vetoed by their partner, who didn't. Makes no sense.

I think yabu.

Its his fun money that he has got lucky with. Had he lost it all, would you be willing to give him portion of your fun money?

And he is overpaying the mortgage, which is helpful for you both.

Let him do with it as he wishes, as I'm sure you spend your fun money how you wish

Exactly this!

He has made an investment with his “fun money” and it sounds like he is content to keep it largely intact and only take out smaller amounts- this could well be for tax purposes. Given this, he may well be much more savvy to do what he is doing than following your preferred option.

In my opinion, you actually don’t get a say in what he does with his investments which he has made using his own spending money. In his position, I absolutely would not cash in investments made for the long-term to fritter on holidays or treats. I might also not chose to pay off the mortgage early if the investments were giving a higher return than my mortgage interest rate because it makes much more financial sense.

If my partner suggested/demanded I liquidate my savings, which I had made out of my own personal spending money, for treats and holidays, I would not be keen. If we need to save for treats and holidays, then we make that a mutual savings goal and both contribute.

Given that he was in a position of authority and influence you should not have needed to stand up for yourselves. It was his job to inspire you, not put you down.

You underestimate the strength and resilience of today's 18 year olds.

If he had lost money would you be offering to reimburse him?

Far more importantly, he was an excellent Physics teacher and we were far more mature than the current easily-offended 18 years olds, quite able to stand up for ourselves!

The money is invested though.

If you had saved 30k, possibly with the intention of using it for retirement, or in case of emergency, or to pay off the mortgage in 10 years, for whatever reason, and your dh said “all money is family money, so you need to give me 15k to spend how I want”

you’d be ok with that?

even if it’s joint savings, again you’d be ok with him taking 15 k to spend how he wants?

dh is getting a windfall. He needs to keep it and sort his retirement funds out. Paying off current debts/mortgage etc would be false economy.

His fun money. His choice.🤷‍♀️

He should maybe want to share some with you. But he's not obliged to share it with you since it is his fun money.

This is probably a conversation you should have had before he started earning this money.

I find the way other people arrange their finances in couples so odd. Surely all money is household money!

I’m about to receive a gift of about £30k soon. £6k will pay off some outstanding debt we have, £12k I will use to get us a new family car and of the £12k left I will be transferring £6k to my DH.

If he hasn't spent the money, does this mean it's still invested? Sounds like he's done wel so far, perhaps the most rational thing to do is to keep at it.

What does hobbies or doing things separately have anything to do with pooling money? We have joint accounts and just spend what we want from that account, not that difficult to comprehend...

My husband has always earn high salary, and I've been SAHM and part time jobs, we don't see if as his or my money, it's our money, we contribute to the household in different ways, but we don't judge spending for small items, or large purchases we discuss.

Start investing your fun money if you want the same. Or agree to invest some joint savings with profit going to mortgage etc.

Nice dose of misogyny dished up with the physics there.

It can definitely be a sensible thing.

It's also not difficult to understand that there are many posters in long marriages where having a shared pot has worked and continues to work for decades (40 plus years in my case). The equality, the sharing of the richer and the poorer and the 'both in this together' can be a contributor to happiness and success in some marriages. Not all, but some.

If other people are more circumspect and prudent then that's fair enough. I wouldn't have wanted to live the last 40 odd years designing my life around a scenario where one of us might leave.

Everyone situation is different.