To think DH should share his windfall

The solution here seems pretty simple.

Say a couple has 100 quid each to spend as they want. Should he invest that money and see a return he should immediately share that windfall with his wife.

Should she invest that money and see a return she should immediately say to her husband "what I do with my money is my business", making sure to remind her stupid husband that he could have invested too.

Its what equality looks like in 2025.

@jacks11 Yes, fair enough. I actually don't think there is any obligation. If the other person doesn't want to then that's up to them.
I was just saying, that if me or DH were in that position, we would choose to share it. We'd probably book an extra holiday to be honest, but maybe something round the house. That's just how we tend to think and do things.
If DH had something personal he wanted to spend it on then I'd be quite happy with that anyway - he shares plenty with me so no need to feel hard done by.

@IsItSnowing
What does “Sharing” mean in this context though? He has made investments- with his own share of discretionary spending money- and is content to keep them as investments, drawing down small amounts for particular things he wants. He is probably wise to do this, as if he withdraws large sums at once he will pay tax on it. He may well actually be better off keeping his investment intact rather than paying down a mortgage, depending on the interest rate differential. I.e. if he is getting 6% return on his investment vs 3% on the mortgage he is earning more keeping the money where it is vs reducing the mortgage. Either way it’s his investment to decide to spend or keep, as he wishes. It’s not OP’s capital and she doesn’t get a say. I think she is wrong to think she does. If she has savings, does he have right of access to them to (outside of a divorce settlement)? Does he get a say on how OP spends her “fun money”?

I don’t think it is the same as lottery ticket- a lottery ticket is minimal spending, no real risk- I’d say spouses should share lottery wins equally. Savings and investments are different, IMO, if the capital has come from an individual’s own allocated proportion of disposable income (assuming that allocation had been fairly done and mutually agreed upon). If OP’s DH has made a significant amount he probably will have had to have either build this up over time (smaller amounts in the long-term) or had a big enough pot to start with; and he will probably have had put in a fair bit of effort in to it. He is unlikely just to have got extremely lucky with one small investment which he has not thought about or done anything to manage since making an impulsive decision to buy crypto/bitcoin/other investment- though it is impossible, I suppose.

Perhaps he does not want to spend the money on holidays or treats. He may not feel paying down the mortgage is a good option right now and he could be right (e.g. large withdrawals may well have tax implications, absorbing a significant proportion of the available capital; or he may be making more money than would be saved by paying down the mortgage). Perhaps he has a goal that he has set for himself or something he wishes to buy that otherwise could not be afforded, and he is using this to fund it- he is not asking op to sacrifice her spending or mutual savings goals in order to achieve this, so this is as entirely reasonable approach as op spending (or saving) her proportion of discretionary funds as she sees fit is.

At the end of the day, OP’s husband invested some of his own personal spending money, wisely in this case, but not without risk- and has increased his investment. He could have lost it all, too (and still could). It isn’t hers, she has spent her share of disposable income on things of her choosing (or indeed, if she has put it into an ISA or savings account)- as she is absolutely within her rights to do- but she can’t then come along and decide she wants his share to spend on a holiday or treats or even on the mortgage. If she wants that, she can either save some of her share of “fun money” and utilise it for the things she wants, OR if they both decide the need a holiday/more expensive holiday/a better car/pay off some of the mortgage, then they can both reduce their proportion of “fun money” equally to save to meet those joint goals. That’s what being a partnership would look like to me. Unilaterally deciding you have a say on your partners share of discretionary spending, whilst spending all of yours as you wish, is not a partnership.

My pig of an ex husband bet a couple of pounds, literally two, and won nearly three thousand.
His money , his winnings he said.

Assuming that your mother has a job and pays into the household expenses and that your dad also has money that he can spend without your mum telling him how to? If not then she's being unfair.

Yes, me too.
My DH would share with me/the household without being asked. He would see it as a bonus for us both to benefit as would I if it was me.

This. He’s gambled with his fun money and the gamble’s paid off. The profit is more fun money.

I can't believe how some MNs (probably men) are acting.

Women are not one-dimensional clones. Disagreeing with each other doesn’t mean some of us are men, it means we’re each individuals who have our own brain and independent thought. Please stop suggesting otherwise; it only harms women to try to shove us in a little uniform box like that.

She had an equal amount of 'fun money' that she chose to spend on whatever she wished.
She could have invested in Crypto too...

Depends on how much we're talking about: 2k,20k 200k.

Each one gets a different reply.

Any windfall, as a joint married couple, should be a shared asset, the only question here is what you consider to be a substantial amount.

So you invested it in your house?

that’s no different. Only here it’s invested in crypto.

now if your dh had said “it’s all family money, you need to hand over half to me to spend as I wish”, which is what o/p is doing, you’d be ok with that?

bottom line is the dh isn’t living the high life on it. He has used his fun money for his cryp to investing hobby and has made some money which he has reinvested.

o/p could have done the same, but chose to spend her fun money directly on her hobbies. If she had bought a lottery ticket and chosen to put the money in an isa because the interest rates are higher than the mortgage, that’s still investing for the families long term health.

With "my" money, I put £2.50 on a lottery ticket. We won a 5 figure sum. It went in to the joint account and paid off a big bit of our mortgage.

Whilst the £2.50 was absolutely my money, the huge windfall I received is 100% both of our money.

I can't believe how some MNs (probably men) are acting.

if he has invested in one of the three or so main cryptos, his strategy is the right one. Hopefully he will eventually recover all he has gambled/invested and keep the rest in there to grow. In your shoes I would make positive noises about his investment strategy and ask him to show me how it’s done. Take note of whether it’s on an exchange (which is like an online market place) or if it’s in a ‘wallet’. The former is much easier to trace in case of divorce… Also make sure he leaves his passwords somewhere you can access in case he falls under a bus - particularly if it’s a large amount of money!

So essentially he is using it as a savings account?

I mean, if he has made tons of profit it would be nice to use it for something to benefit family. But if it is some then good for him. Are you struggling with paying the bills and he is buying toys? If loses all of it it and asks you to pay for something from your fun money, would you be happy to do it?

But surely op keeps her fun money to herself...thats how the separate fun money works

Whilst he was investing his, she was likely spending hers.

Had he lost all of his, I'm sure people wouldn't be jumping to say she should share hers with him, and she have less. They'd likely be calling him an idiot and telling her to get her ducks in a row

How is he keeping it for his benefit?

he’s taking small amounts out to pay for his fun stuff, and making some extra payments toward the mortgage. The bulk remains invested, presumably for the families future.

the only difference is o/p paid for her fun stuff straight up, she didn’t invest the money then use the profit as her dh has.

like I said, I have an isa invested in my name. I haven’t kept it “for myself”, it’s there for the long term financial benefit of the family. If dh insisted I gave him half and accused me of keeping it for my benefit I would not be impressed.

especially if he’s spend all his money on fun stuff for himself and saved none.

Not sure why my reply was hidden! Just offering practical advice on what to watch for…

How depressing that he is keeping it for his benefit.

Why do people bother with marriage if they don't want a partnership.

So how is it going to pan out? Is he going to have a different standard of living than you?

Well in my case it’s because I am marginally the higher earner with better future investments and more savings and put a higher down payment on our home.

We have joint accounts for bills, savings, etc, too, but also have our own accounts for spending as we please.

However, that being said, we will both pay for different things ant different times outside of our joint funds in our joint accounts without really thinking about it and I am not secretive with my DH about it and nor am I stingy. But I don’t think I should be told how or when I spend my money by anyone else.

Also, the partner I had before us was grabby and financially abusive (had a real chip on his shoulder about me earning more) and, although I know my DH would never expect anything nor tell me how to spend my money, etc., it has left me reticent to pool funds.

My DH couldn’t give a damn and this was something that was discussed many years ago when we met. He knows if I had a windfall I’d probably invest it into the house anyway.

You are right it works for us, and not saying everyone has to be the same, but if in a long term committed relationship all the alternatives are just weird, and you end up with all this 'his' and 'her' money, which creates scenarios like the OP, which I personally find very odd...

That's your set up and if it works for you then great. Doesn't mean everyone is or has to be the same.
My point was in response to the many people saying that everything ought to be split equally (I.e. 50/50) which seems to me would make having separate hobbies and social lives rather difficult.

That's your set up and if it works for you then great. Doesn't mean everyone is or has to be the same.
My point was in response to the many people saying that everything ought to be split equally (I.e. 50/50) which seems to me would make having separate hobbies and social lives rather difficult.

No, it isn’t necessarily sensible to pay off the mortgage.

if his investment is earning more than the interest on the mortgage, there will be an overall financial loss

for example. I have a 50k mortgage at 4 %. So I am paying £2k interest on that loan. However I also have 50 k in an isa, at 8%. So that is earning me 4k per year.

if I withdrew that 50k and paid off the mortgage I would lose 2k a year.

that 50k is for unforeseen events. Boiler breakdown, if interest rates go up, financing a purchase, helping the kids out, retirement. Still to the benefit of the family, but it is my savings and if I want to take a bit to buy an airwrap why shouldn’t I?

If dh said to me oh you’ve got 50k in your isa, it’s family money, you need to give me 25k, I’d tell him to fuck off. And that is what o/p is asking of her dh here.

The thing is this isn’t actually a windfall.

This is a return on an investment that he alone put into and took the risk on while OP spent her corresponding spending money on whatever she chose. If that investment ended up being worthless he was the only one put out, not OP. And he’ll pay taxes on the gain because that’s what it is.

This is the mirror of if he had run up a credit card balance for his fun spending with the agreement that this card was his alone to deal with - the interest on that balance should come out of his spending money, not OP’s.