How attracted to someone do you need to be??

Yes, my mind is boggling at the one too!

I have heard of plenty of people where the attraction has waned over time, but I don’t know anyone who is married who was never attracted at all to their spouse in the first place (that they would admit to, at least!)

I think if you didn’t fancy him at all I would say leave it, but you’re not saying that, you’re saying there is some attraction there, it’s just not ‘super hot’. I would say give it time, take the pressure off and just enjoy getting to know each other without any expectations of it leading to something long term at this point.

I don't think there are two types of people, instant like/slow burn.. I think both types of attraction can happen for anyone. Sometimes you fancy them first and their personality etc becomes attractive as well later. Othertimes, you're into them as a person first and their looks become more attractive over time because you like and admire that person.

I guess for me, my relationships have been personality first, looks later but looks do come into it a bit at first as well.. just not as important to me.

I would give this chap a chance. It's so hard to find someone who aligns with you in all the important ways. You might find he gets more attractive the more you get to know him.

I think there are 2 types of people. Those who have instant attraction (or not). And those who prefer a slow burn.

I know I'm in the first category. I've had 3 relationships since my divorce many years ago. And I had an instant attraction to each of them. Sadly they didn't last. But that's another story.

I've met a number of men who are nice and would be a good partner. But not for me.
My friends think I'm fussy but even after 3 or 4 dates, I just can't see myself falling in love with them.

You seem to be in the first category as well. And while you are still getting to know him, you should ask yourself if you can see yourself with him in the long term.

Don't settle just because he's a nice person. But as others have said, you like him so maybe give it a little longer.
Spend more time together, not in bed, and see what develops

Nothing wrong with ‘settling’ as a concept - everyone does it to some extent anyway, but in my case it was the best decision I ever made.

Looks fade over time. A wonderful personality remains. DH was never handsome, but he’s a tremendous husband and father and I thank god every day for him!

And I’m saying that there’s a risk in keeping a relationship going in the hope you’ll start to fancy them. You need both qualities (compatible personalities/ values AND to be attracted to them) to be really happy in a relationship.
If you’d have come on mumsnet and said “I really fancy my boyfriend but he treats me like shit” I wouldn’t have told you to stay with him because he’s “hot”.
This isn’t an either or situation. It’s the rest of her life.
Not to mention it being very unfair on him.

I didn’t say not to. I didn’t say to ignore other people. I just gave my opinion and my experience.

I would give it two months then see how I feel.

I’m not suggesting she should stay with someone she doesn’t find attractive at all. She has said there is some attraction there, albeit not super strongly (yet), so all I am saying is that she could give it the opportunity to see if the attraction grows (or not, in which case of course it’s fine not to continue).

Also - my experience has been different from yours. Before meeting my husband, I dated a traditionally “hot” man, who treated me like shit in the end. In contrast, my husband is the most kind and generous person, and for me that is a big part of the attraction.

Keep on seeing him and see how things develop.

I’ve found my attraction to a person can grow as I get to know them more and feel secure about their feelings for me? In the past the instant “rip your clothes” feeling has led to relationships that are based only on that and cloud my judgement to the point I’ve kind of had a lightbulb moment and realised there is nothing more than a sexual attraction involved.

You're trying to settle

Some people are and some people aren’t able to have good sexual relationships with people they don’t find physically attractive.

I have many, many friends who didn’t find their partners sexually attractive but continued on to marriage. Some of them are happy with the companionship. Others feel they made a mistake.

I’m not a person who can have a fulfilling sex life with someone I don’t really fancy, and I’m perfectly valid in sharing that.

It seems like OP might not be either.

Please don’t be put off this by this OP. Nice guys tend to be selfless and attentive lovers - speaking from experience 😉

Keep dating him and see what develops. He sounds like it’s worth giving it some time to see if you want to go the distance with him

This

You say you've not yet had growing attraction - in contrast I'm always super bemused by the people who have instant attraction. Just not wired that way - I've never had a relationship that wasn't a slow burn that grew over time as I got to know them. And by slow burn I mean 6mths - 18mths.

Sounds to me like there's plenty of positives there - if it does fizzle, oh well, so do lots of things. While you are still somewhat attracted to him, why not keep giving him a chance, and if it grows, great, and if it fizzles, move on. Lust and raw sexual attraction is important over time, but as you've noticed, it doesn't necessarily lead to great partnership choices - and it definitely can grow, if you give it a chance.

Don’t settle. It won’t work. You have to find him attractive.
I had a date with a guy tonight and he ticked every single box. Gorgeous, emotionally intelligent, single for a while after his marriage ended and hasn’t really dated. Lives in my village. I could have slept with him but I didn’t.
He’s long term potential and I could have ripped his clothes off. But I know very little about him. I need to know more.
I’ve had dates like yours before and attraction doesn’t always grow. You just get more of an ick. If there isn’t that connection to start with, it often fizzles out.
Find someone that ticks more boxes. You can’t fake attraction.

This is how I felt when I first met my now husband. I was attracted to him but he didn’t sweep me off my feet. I wanted to see him but didn’t obsess about him, iykwim.

Fifteen years and 3 children later we are still together and have a strong relationship. I really admired and respected him for the sort of person he was: his values, integrity, kindness etc. He is an amazing dad. For me, all of these things are more important in a marriage than simply being extremely strongly attracted to someone.

I would give it time

Attraction and connection can definitely grow, as is possible with the reverse. I wouldn't think of it as looking to fill the position of long term partner, but if you want to see him again, then do it. And repeat until that's no longer the case. Light touch required.

Attraction can definitely grow and tbh become more real. Initial attraction can be based on assumptions or first impressions but a deepening attraction can grow from a real connection- or how he makes you feel safe, or how much you laugh together etc. Niceness is very very underrated and to me a really attractive quality my husband has that makes me feel safe and that’s attractive to me.

Took me 3 dates before I realised I fancied my now husband .

Do you think he would be happy to be in a relationship with you if he knew you felt a weak physical attraction to him?