How attracted to someone do you need to be??

This.

For me, attraction grows through getting to know and like their personality alongside really good sex. Was the sex good? That's the essential bit for me personally. If they can make me orgasm and make me laugh, then I'll end up attracted.

I’m the other person here. My BF (of 11 months) told me recently (whilst drunk) that he isn’t that attracted to my body. I am a size 16 and apparently He needs more ‘tone’.

As you can imagine, I was devastated. I couldn’t understand how someone could say this to someone that they apparently love, someone with whom they have a very active sex life and someone who they actively chased after in the first few months.

When we talked about it the next day, he was very matter of fact, and said surely there were things about his body that I would like to change.

anyway, I sat on it for a week, and then ended things.

He was absolutely devastated and has done an awful lot of groveling, so we are trying again. But I think about it every single day if I am honest. It has really hurt me.

As you can see from these responses, different people have a different approach to this.

To me, it sounds like this is a perfectly promising beginning - attraction absolutely can grow over time (in my experience, the more I like a guy's personality, the more attracted to him I can become physically) and this is still very early days for you.

You already know that situations where you started with a strong physical attraction have come to nothing so it makes sense to try something a bit different.

It's only been 3 dates. You don't have to make any big decisions yet - just keep it under review. I would say that if by, say, 2-3 months in you're still not feeling much attraction, then that might be a sign that it's not going to happen. Of course you can walk away now if you want to but in your shoes I would be inclined to give it a bit longer. And I don't think giving it a bit longer to see if feelings grow is settling! Staying with him for months and years if you realise that feelings won't grow - that is settling.

How far into your 30s are you? Once I got into my mid 30s perimenopause must have started as I stopped finding men as attractive before. Mid 40s now and cannot even imagine wanting to rip a man's clothes off. I can look at a man and know he is attractive, but have zero feelings of being actually attracted to him, if that makes sense.

I think red flags are there in the beginning, most just choose to look past or ignore or maybe arnt even aware some of their behaviour is a red flag

I cannot beleive the number of people on here telling you to settle! I dont think it's only weak attraction that's putting you off this man.. ?

How much does he earn?

I’m usually a blow burner type where attraction grows over time. However the one relationship I had where the opposite was true and we had instant attraction and huge chemistry was the best 3 years of my life.

I saw him again recently for the first time in 20 years and it was a wow moment. His hair was grey, his face was older, he had put a bit of weight on but my god the chemistry and attraction was still there! I would love to be in a relationship that has that and who has all the other attributes.

Everyone I know who didn’t really fancy their partner is now either divorced or in a sexless marriage with huge cracks in it. I’m sorry to say I also know women who tolerate sex they hate, out of a sense of obligation. It does very bad things to their heads. Don’t do it.

As a general rule you can't build a long and happy relationship with someone if there's zero sexual attraction. You will end up finding someone repellent. There's no point in being with someone if there's no connection: you're better off alone.

That said, sexual attraction can build over time. When I met my current partner I didn't immediately fancy him much, it grew over a few dates.

But if you've slept with him and there's no connection at all, I'd say it's not going to fly.

You are the only one who knows how much you actually like him. When I've not been keen, the idea of them touching me is revolting. I'm not sure that I really know what "a bit" means, it could add easily grow rather than fade out?

Not on Mumsnet, there seem to be many women who’ve married seemingly nice men only for them to turn into arseholes later on, with no apparent red flags to begin with.

I’m sorry. I don’t have time to answer each and every question you’ve posed again. I’ve tried to be polite and honest.

You see to be getting a little hostile towards me so I’m going to bow out of this one.

Good luck OP ☺️

You've been on 3 dates. Stop catastrophising ! Take it steady. See how it goes. If you still feel the same way after 6 months, think again

Just to clarify.

They don’t find their husbands “attractive”. They don’t fancy them. They don’t find them sexy.

I’m not saying they don’t love them. They absolutely love their husbands.

I think many posters are confusing this. Attraction and love are not synonymous.

I mean wanting to rip someone’s clothes off can be influenced by your cycle…

“What I’m wondering I guess is if attraction can grow.”

Of course it can! The lightning strike doesn’t hit all of us. I liked DH when I first met him and we went on a few dates, and I liked him more, and it continued from there. We’ve been happily together for over twenty years. Sometimes I think people miss out on happiness by looking for perfection. Any relationship is going to be a bit of a compromise, because you’re both accommodating each other. If you like this chap well enough to have been to bed with him, then carry on seeing him and see how it goes.

😂😂😂

No.
They are all attractive women. They had all had boyfriends while we were younger who they really fancied and they were mistreated by them so they all chose the safer option for marriage.
I don’t think it’s uncommon at all. There are plenty of women who will talk about it on mumsnet. ☺️ To answer your questions:

With respect, were these women very unattractive or did they have some major personality defect or extremely difficult life circumstance? No. All attractive. All successful. All lovely.

Or were they secretly gay and chose to stay in the closet? No. They are all straight

Is this common among women? It certainly seems to be.

Were they that desperate to get married and really thought they couldn’t do any better? They all wanted to get married, definitely. Their idea of “better” would be different to mine.

Have they ever been unfaithful? Some.

Do their husbands know how they feel? No. Have you told this man how you feel?

Did they have varying different reasons for marrying them and if so what were the reasons? They wanted to feel they had more control in the relationship and didn’t feel insecure, I think.

I don't think it's that simple. Attraction involves personal as well as physical attributes, for me anyway. In your case op, you might as well have a few more dates to see how it goes. You're not committing yourself long term by doing so.

Actually, I have just remembered about one friend who ‘settled’ for someone she was really unsure about because the biological clock was ticking loudly. And yes, she is unhappy. But I feel like it is because she has always struggled with aspects of his personality that are difficult o deal with.