How attracted to someone do you need to be??

Spookygoose · 2025-09-06T20:44:53+00:00

I’ve been on 3 dates with a guy I really get along with and fancy a little bit. We’ve slept together once and it was fairly good. Everything about him is perfect - personality, life situation, he likes me a lot. But I’m confused about whether I’m attracted to him ‘enough’. I don’t have a strong urge to kiss him (but I do a little bit) or rip his clothes off but I THINK I like the idea of sleeping with him again. I’m so confused 😕 he’d make a great partner (from what I know so far) but I’m worried that that tiny bit of attraction that’s there might fizzle out pretty quickly considering it’s kinda weak to start off with. I look forward to seeing him when I’m not with him and don’t want the date to end when I am with him…but I just don’t know if I fancy him enough! Can anyone shed any light on what I should do? I’m so undecided

FilterBubble · 05/10/2025 08:42

I've been blessed, every person I have ever been in a relationship with, have been good decent kind people. The two people I had strong physical attractions to were certainly not the right partners for me. That said, you usually are blinded to faults at the beginning of a relationship, and hormones take over. The honeymoon period is a thing, and people can get addicted to it, and jump from one to another. I would be worried somewhat if you weren't feeling a strong attraction at the beginning. However, I find that wanes and fizzles somewhat and the stronger bonds of partnership take over. I want to be close to my partner and miss them at a distance even if I don't want to rip their clothes off! I have never gotten the 'ick' from my partner. I sometimes sigh when they are being an impatient driver, but that's about it. If you like spending time together and it's comfortable and easy, and you want to be near them, then that's surely a great start.

Leilaandtheloggerheads · 05/10/2025 08:20

Merseymum1980 · 06/09/2025 21:49

A friend of mine felt like this with a guy I set her up with.
She is now happily married to him, they have children and he has adopted her two children from a previous relationship.
He really grew on her, she is now deeply in love with him.
See how it grows no pressure in early days

Love and attraction are very different things. I was a bit like OP with my ex. I did think he was attractive, but he wasn’t my usual type and not sure I’d say I “fancied” him, but we got on and he was good person, ticked a lot of boxes etc. I loved him so much and I still do. But that lack of raw lust, passion, sexual attraction, chemistry etc meant that I ended up finding sex very difficult. That wasn’t fair on either of us.

The person I am with now is more “my type” and I feel a physical desire and connection with him 4 years on that I don’t think I ever had with my ex 😕

Sure, I could have bumbled along with my ex and we’d have been “happy” on the face of it, successful, holidays, not really argue etc. but that’s basically a friendship, not a relationship.

Original poster

Spookygoose · 05/10/2025 08:14

seanconneryseyebrow · 04/10/2025 20:34

I have a theory - it could be nonsense like many of my theories 😂 - or there could be something to it. I think people can be the slow burner types where they take a while to fancy, get feelz and fall in love. I am the ‘it’s there straight away or it will never be’ type. It’s taken me 8 years of dating to realise this. I stuck with the slow burns hoping I’d start to feel something - anything! - never did bar ‘what a nice chap’. I was beginning to think it was over for me and I’d wave the white flag. Then I found my partner - sparks a flying from first meet, and from the first kiss I was utterly smitten. At 51 as well so no spring chicken.

if, god forbid, I was ever out there again I know that if I don’t feel much at the outset there is no point in me carrying on.
that’s just the way I’m made.

OP I think you have to work out what sort of person you are!

I believed wholeheartedly in your theory until I proved myself wrong! (Read my update) I’ve always been the same as you too, always knew without a doubt whether I fancied someone within an hour of meeting, and most times, within seconds of meeting. Yes, attraction got stronger from there but there was always that baseline there initially. With this guy though I didn’t feel any baseline of attraction initially. I did like him a lot as a person though, and as I explained in my update, my attraction has developed to the point where I now really fancy him. It’s never happened to me before so I’m pleasantly surprised! And just goes to show people are not necessarily the slow burn type or the instant attraction type, rather that either thing can happen to anyone.

OP posts:

seanconneryseyebrow · 04/10/2025 20:34

I have a theory - it could be nonsense like many of my theories 😂 - or there could be something to it. I think people can be the slow burner types where they take a while to fancy, get feelz and fall in love. I am the ‘it’s there straight away or it will never be’ type. It’s taken me 8 years of dating to realise this. I stuck with the slow burns hoping I’d start to feel something - anything! - never did bar ‘what a nice chap’. I was beginning to think it was over for me and I’d wave the white flag. Then I found my partner - sparks a flying from first meet, and from the first kiss I was utterly smitten. At 51 as well so no spring chicken.

if, god forbid, I was ever out there again I know that if I don’t feel much at the outset there is no point in me carrying on.
that’s just the way I’m made.

OP I think you have to work out what sort of person you are!

Dery · 03/10/2025 19:47

Thanks for the lovely update, OP. I was one of the posters advising you to give it longer so am feeling very wise and happily vindicated 😀!

Original poster

Spookygoose · 03/10/2025 19:24

CoffeeCantata · 03/10/2025 18:57

Ooh, I’ve never heard of that.

I'm definitely straight - I just need lots of time to build a relationship with someone and have never wanted to have sex with a ‘stranger’, or someone I’ve just met. But I do think I’m unusual!

Show quote history

It’s not to do with sexual orientation, as far as I’m aware you can be any orientation and be demisexual

OP posts:

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 03/10/2025 19:20

Glad it's working out for you!
Was coming on to say I was similar with my ex- wasn't sure how much I fancied him, but the attraction did grow because he was a lovely guy, and we had a great relationship (and sex life!) for 7 years, and only split because we had different views on commitment (he didn't want marriage, but was happy to consider kids, I wanted both!)
Met new guy couple of years later. I fancied him, and slept with him straight away- he really wasn't relationship material, but made a great ONS. Only he came back for another date, so I thought it would be a fun occasional thing....26 years we are still here! Married 23years with 3 kids..
There are all sorts of attraction, and every relationship is different and worth a chance

CoffeeCantata · 03/10/2025 18:57

Spookygoose · 03/10/2025 18:40

Is it an attitude or are you maybe Demi sexual? I don’t know if I personally believe in labels like this as everyone’s an individual and no one fits nearly into a box but demi sexual is a term used to describe people who don’t feel sexual attraction to anyone they haven’t got a very strong emotional connection with. So it’s not a choice like an attitude might be, it’s more just the way they are

Show quote history

Ooh, I’ve never heard of that.

I'm definitely straight - I just need lots of time to build a relationship with someone and have never wanted to have sex with a ‘stranger’, or someone I’ve just met. But I do think I’m unusual!

Greenmouldycheese · 03/10/2025 18:46

You aren't that into him and it won't last. Set him free to find someone who is attracted to him. It's unfair on him to waste his time.

Original poster

Spookygoose · 03/10/2025 18:40

CoffeeCantata · 03/10/2025 11:15

For me, utterly, totally, absolutely in love!

That's the only way I'll have sex with anyone. I guess I must have a low sex drive (reading MN!! 😀- I never had any hang-ups until I started reading this forum)) but I have zero interest in sex itself, only in the relationship and the other person.

This attitude has kept me safe from a lot of trouble, heartache and rubbish men.

Is it an attitude or are you maybe Demi sexual? I don’t know if I personally believe in labels like this as everyone’s an individual and no one fits nearly into a box but demi sexual is a term used to describe people who don’t feel sexual attraction to anyone they haven’t got a very strong emotional connection with. So it’s not a choice like an attitude might be, it’s more just the way they are

OP posts:

CoffeeCantata · 03/10/2025 11:15

For me, utterly, totally, absolutely in love!

That's the only way I'll have sex with anyone. I guess I must have a low sex drive (reading MN!! 😀- I never had any hang-ups until I started reading this forum)) but I have zero interest in sex itself, only in the relationship and the other person.

This attitude has kept me safe from a lot of trouble, heartache and rubbish men.

hazelorblue · 03/10/2025 10:56

A great result!

Pifflepafflewifflewaffle · 02/10/2025 10:39

Excellent news!

Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim · 02/10/2025 10:36

That’s a lovely update.
Congratulations ☺️

Original poster

Spookygoose · 02/10/2025 10:24

And thanks to those who said to give it longer. It was definitely good advice!

OP posts:

Original poster

Spookygoose · 02/10/2025 10:22

Thought I’d do an update to this as I’ve really surprised myself. I started spending a lot more time with him hanging out, doing stuff on Sunday afternoons when sex/intimacy wouldn’t be on the table cos I had to get back for the kids or we had separate plans later on etc and the attraction really grew in a way I really didn’t think was going to happen. I started to really fancy him and finally had sex again the other night and it was amazing. I’m super into him now and fancy the pants off him! I’m really surprised cos for my whole life it’s always been very black and white for me. I either clearly fancy them in the beginning or I don’t and that never changes but just goes to show it’s not that simple!

OP posts:

cupfinalchaos · 07/09/2025 21:07

I felt like this with my dh. I was attracted to him when I met him but not like I have been to some people.. my boyfriend before him was the best sex but what a bastard.

Over the years my feelings, love and respect for dh have grown. This is my second marriage and I thank my lucky stars every day. As long as you enjoy the physical side too, even if it’s not the best ever, in my opinion a good partner is worth his weight in gold.

user2848502016 · 07/09/2025 20:48

I’d give it a few more dates at least, either the attraction will grow and you will actually fall in love with him, which helps the attraction to grow even more - or things will fizzle out pretty quickly and you can move on

Pifflepafflewifflewaffle · 07/09/2025 20:33

I’ve just been in a very similar position with a man who I get on SO well with, could build a beautiful life with, and have loads of fun with. His personality is so attractive to me, but physically I’m not feeling it. We’ve dated for nearly 4 months but I’ve had to end it after he’s said he’s in love with me, and it feels awful. I hope we can stay friends, he’s an amazing human, but unfortunately the attraction hasn’t grown like I hoped it would. I would give it longer, but not too long, because people get hurt.

TeaBiscuitsNaptime · 07/09/2025 20:19

It's ok to take things slowly and get to know him. There's only so well you can know someone after 3 dates. If you have been in a bad relationship in the past, you may have been with a guy who moved faster and was more demanding of your attention. I think girls often confuse the anxiety response associated with this, with attraction or him really liking her. If he is respecting how you actually feel and is not demanding your attention. It's a good thing. I think men demanding they have your attention and then girls going along with it, until they can't could be the root of domestic violence. No need to make your mind up instantly

TeaBiscuitsNaptime · 07/09/2025 20:08

Consider the fact that many guys are being very careful how they act a woman now. Maybe he's being on his best behaviour and you don't feel like you are getting a true sense of who he is. If you don't not like him and he's perfect it other ways, there's no harm going on another few dates until you figure it out. And u don't have to sleep with him until you're sure if you don't want to

Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim · 07/09/2025 20:03

washinwashoutrepeat · 07/09/2025 17:57

I’m the other person here. My BF (of 11 months) told me recently (whilst drunk) that he isn’t that attracted to my body. I am a size 16 and apparently He needs more ‘tone’.

As you can imagine, I was devastated. I couldn’t understand how someone could say this to someone that they apparently love, someone with whom they have a very active sex life and someone who they actively chased after in the first few months.

When we talked about it the next day, he was very matter of fact, and said surely there were things about his body that I would like to change.

anyway, I sat on it for a week, and then ended things.

He was absolutely devastated and has done an awful lot of groveling, so we are trying again. But I think about it every single day if I am honest. It has really hurt me.

I’m so glad you found the strength to leave him.
x

BarbarasRhabarberba · 07/09/2025 19:38

washinwashoutrepeat · 07/09/2025 17:57

I’m the other person here. My BF (of 11 months) told me recently (whilst drunk) that he isn’t that attracted to my body. I am a size 16 and apparently He needs more ‘tone’.

As you can imagine, I was devastated. I couldn’t understand how someone could say this to someone that they apparently love, someone with whom they have a very active sex life and someone who they actively chased after in the first few months.

When we talked about it the next day, he was very matter of fact, and said surely there were things about his body that I would like to change.

anyway, I sat on it for a week, and then ended things.

He was absolutely devastated and has done an awful lot of groveling, so we are trying again. But I think about it every single day if I am honest. It has really hurt me.

Loving someone and being attracted to them as a whole package of looks, personality and chemistry isn’t synonymous with actively finding every part of them attractive though. I love and am attracted to my partner but there is a particular attribute (loose skin on a certain part of his body from weight loss) that if I’m being honest I find a bit gross. I haven’t used that word to him but I have been honest with him that I don’t find that part of him attractive (within the context of a conversation about attraction and bodies I didn’t just bring it up out of nowhere). I don’t think that’s unreasonable. Likewise I wouldn’t be offended if he said he found me attractive but didn’t like my nose/bum/preferred me slimmer etc

CrystalSingerFan · 07/09/2025 19:17

verybighouseinthecountry · 07/09/2025 17:07

How far into your 30s are you? Once I got into my mid 30s perimenopause must have started as I stopped finding men as attractive before. Mid 40s now and cannot even imagine wanting to rip a man's clothes off. I can look at a man and know he is attractive, but have zero feelings of being actually attracted to him, if that makes sense.

Even Jason Statham? 😋(I'm 66).

Topjoe19 · 07/09/2025 19:14

Is he a vet?