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Original poster

To not want a random boy to stay just because DH does?

372 replies

Geniusonit · 06/09/2025 21:18

Sorry for the clunky title didn't know what else to write!

Long story short, been with DH for 7.5 years. He's got a 12yo DD, he has 50/50 custody of her although sometimes more if her mum goes away with her partner like atm. She has an older brother he's 19, DH isn't his dad, was sort of a stepdad figure when he was with his ex but since they split they didn't have contact and his ex made it clear he wasn't his dad so she wasn't going to allow it.

Anyway, yesterday her mum and younger siblings (toddlers so under school age before anyone asks) and mums partner went away leaving DSD with us and her brother on his own. DSD went back today because she'd forgotten something and then called DH in a panic.

He went round there and her brother was on the sofa sort of out of it and he'd clearly been beaten up, he had injuries on his face etc. DH managed to sort him out and he brought him back here with DSD, apparently DSD was anxious about him being on his own.

When I got back from being out with my sister he had gone back to sleep on our sofa. Hearing from DSD their mum had kicked him out so he obviously snook back when he knew they'd be away. The brother said he didn't know who beat him up but didn't want to report it, said he’d sort it which does sound as though he knows who it is. DH thinks he should stay as he doesn't want him getting into any trouble or hurt again, he doesn't think he's got a concussion but another injury to the face/head so soon obviously wouldn't be good.

I personally don't feel comfortable with a random boy here but he says he's his daughters brother. Am I being U or is DH being soft (for context, he is a head of year in a school and is quite soft on troubled teens especially as he thinks they need kindness not just discipline)

OP posts:
5foot5 · 07/09/2025 01:02

Spookyspaghetti · 07/09/2025 00:38

Reminds me of a line from Clueless. When Cher is complaining to her dad that he still invites Paul Rudd over her dad says: “You divorce wives not children.” Your husband sounds like a decent man.

I agree. Your DH sounds like a really nice, decent man. I do understand you might have some misgivings, but this 19 year old is not just a random boy to your DSD and your DH. I think you need to go along with this for the time being.

Namerequired · 07/09/2025 00:59

I can understand you feeling uneasy, but I think you should let him stay the night and take it from there. Definitely contact his mum immediately. If my son was beaten up I would be on the 1st plane back. You need to find out why he was kicked out and really it’s up to her to sort her son.
If you kick him out you are all going to be stressing about him.

pilates · 07/09/2025 00:59

I bet there are drugs involved.

Kicking your child out is not something that is done lightly. I would let home stay the night but your husband needs to speak with ex.

Mumof2wifeof1crazytimes · 07/09/2025 00:59

What an awful way to describe your DSD brother, he is not a random boy ffs. He needs help,

Spookyspaghetti · 07/09/2025 00:38

Reminds me of a line from Clueless. When Cher is complaining to her dad that he still invites Paul Rudd over her dad says: “You divorce wives not children.” Your husband sounds like a decent man.

SameDayNewName · 07/09/2025 00:37

Whether you've met him before or not, he's part of your extended family. I can get why you're not thrilled about the prospect of looking after him, but that it what's expected of family in times of crisis. It doesn't sound like it's putting you out much either. I get you're uncomfortable and inconvenienced, but I don't think you can turn a family member out over this. In a few days, you definitely need to speak to him about where he plans to live long-term, with a view to him moving out. But whilst he's beaten and homeless, you can't put him out on the street no.

GreenTurtles3 · 07/09/2025 00:27

He's not random though is he? I think your husband is doing the right thing by his daughter.

DurinsBane · 07/09/2025 00:27

did he stay then?

InterIgnis · 07/09/2025 00:27

This is not your responsibility. the failure of his actual parents does not mean you’re required to step in, and having a blended family does not oblige you to take in your stepchild’s sibling. You don’t know this man, and there’s a good chance that your DH is inviting chaos into your lives.

caringcarer · 07/09/2025 00:26

Tootietoots · 07/09/2025 00:01

His mum has gone abroad knowing she chucked him out and he’s only 19. I cant begin to imagine enjoying a hoiiday in that situation. I’d be out of my mind with worry,

Me too.

Bloozie · 07/09/2025 00:25

It’s lovely that your partner was a father figure to him for a time and of course he should help him in his time of need. He’s your step-daughter’s brother. This kind of messy shit happens when you get together with someone with children. It is what it is.

caringcarer · 07/09/2025 00:25

I think you are being unkind. This lad is your dsd's brother and she clearly cares about him. Your DH is quite right to keep him safe at your home until his ex gets back from his holiday. A week with him won't hurt you.

Tablesandchairs23 · 07/09/2025 00:24

I'd let him stay a couple of nights. Make it clear he has to gi to a&e and report it to the police. He obviously can't stay with you long term.. your husband needs to talk with his ex wife

NewbieSM · 07/09/2025 00:21

He is a random man to you OP I understand what you meant. Tbh I would let him stay tonight ONLY with the condition that he is honest about what happened and you contact his mother. Tomorrow he needs to go back home or wherever he has been staying , this is not yours or your DHs mess to sort out. Given his own Mum has kicked him out and he’s been beaten up I would bet he is involved in drugs

EmeraldShamrock000 · 07/09/2025 00:16

Not a random lad.
His DM may not want him back, have
DH call his mother. I'd insist that he gets a medical check up then book him into a cheap b&b for the weekend.

I wouldn't want him to stay in my home either. I feel sorry for him, his life is chaotic.

Lighteningstrikes · 07/09/2025 00:15

FFS have a heart.

I honestly can’t believe how heartless and selfish some people are.

user1492757084 · 07/09/2025 00:09

Let him stay but insist that he goes to A&E for a check up. Reporting to the Police would be wise.
He is not a random person.

Morningsleepin · 07/09/2025 00:04

He's not random at all. He not only is your dad's brother but he is a boy your dh treated as a son. You are unkind, to say the least

Perimama · 07/09/2025 00:03

I would allow him to stay while the mum is away, but let him know it is not permanent.

Tootietoots · 07/09/2025 00:01

His mum has gone abroad knowing she chucked him out and he’s only 19. I cant begin to imagine enjoying a hoiiday in that situation. I’d be out of my mind with worry,

MarxistMags · 07/09/2025 00:00

@Geniusonit This..

Isitreallythough · 06/09/2025 23:59

I would let him stay. Discuss with your partner any conditions you need for him to stay, and make it clear it’s temporary and his mum needs to sort it out. But it sounds like the boy needs some kindness, and his sister needs you to be generous to her brother here.

DiaryofaProvincialLady · 06/09/2025 23:58

Geniusonit · 06/09/2025 22:31

I admit I worded it wrong but as I said I don't know him, I've never met him and never had reason to.

I do have children from a previous relationship but they aren't here this weekend. I am currently pregnant too.

I'm just concerned because I know nothing about him and he's very different to when DH knew him, if they had kept a relationship i’d feel differently as I would at least know him then.

DH initially said one night and then he can't be on his own with a possible concussion (DH doesn't think he has one but can't he 100%, he also doesn't want to see a doctor) or with the risk of getting himself into trouble if he decides to “sort it out himself”.

So your other kids are to your DH what this lad is to your DH - let that sink in....

I think you're rotten to the core.

itscomplicatedagain · 06/09/2025 23:56

Some of the responses on here are shocking. As a parent of a 20 year old boy myself who hasn’t always made the right choices, I find it remarkable how some people are so quick to judge, callous and unkind.

I feel so sorry for this poor child, who is legally an adult, but barely, and anyone who has teenagers will know it takes them a while to be independent however tall and macho they may think they are.

Underneath, there’s a young man who’s had a nasty experience, physically attacked, an unstable family situation, homeless and without his Dad on the scene. His mother doesn’t sound especially caring either.

His sister and step dad sound lovely and have compassion for his situation. I really hope he gets some care and support going forward to help him get back on his feet and get his life on track.

Jellyheadbang · 06/09/2025 23:54

Geniusonit · 06/09/2025 21:47

He is random to me though, I've never met him! DH hasn't had contact with him for year's so he knows nothing about him now either. Last time they had proper contact he was a child.

We do have a spare room yes, but I feel uncomfortable at the thought of that as I don't know him at all, he's violent (saying he'd sort it out himself) and I know nothing about him.

DH’s ex is abroad so she wouldn't do anything. I don't know why he was kicked out, DSD said that her mum and partner would argue over him a lot but she doesn't know the proper reason, they spun her a lie that he chose to move out but DSD knew that wasn't the case, her brother told her it didn't matter. DH hasn't even asked him why either he just said to “leave him be” as he was watching a film with DSD

Lol at ‘he’s violent’, have you never heard of bravado?
he clearly hasn’t handled it well so far , it sounds like he’s a victim not a perpetrator. You’re not being asked to take in a stranger on your own with your kids. Your husband and stepdaughter know him well. It’s not just your house, have a heart.