To think school should’ve let me keep ds4 back a year?

@BulletinGuru its not breaking his confidence, or stressing him out - it’s the opposite. By letting him feel the stress of no dummy, then learning it’s actually fine, you are teaching him how to handle stress, that he can overcome these things, and that over the hill he will be totally fine. That’s teaching him resilience and boosting his confidence - it’s the opposite actually of what you are talking about!

You cannot parent by letting him ever feel stress. All that will happen is that he will feel stressful situations in life and not be able to manage them because you are teaching him it’s best to avoid them. Stop this because you’re setting him up for failure. He needs to experience a bit of stress and learn he can do it anyway and it’s fine. Then next time he won’t feel such an extreme avoidance reaction and then the next time, even less etc. Tough love now and he’ll be fine!!! Let go of the OTT babying.. it’s not helping him. Some babying is fine- eg cuddles after school etc and quality time together. But he must grow and learn and develop ready for all that comes in life. Lots of luck to you op. Xx

Have you consider seeking some professional advice to try and work out if is in nappies and using a dummy because he has some developmental delay or if he isn't and could be helped to catch up with his peers? I don't wish to be unkind but this isn't normal for a child his age and for his sake I'd be looking into this and what the next steps should be whether that's looking into a diagnosis or other help.

The compulsory age for starting school is the term after their 5th birthday. If OP wanted, she could keep him back until Easter next year.
I realise that there are many other reasons for starting now, but it may reassure parents who feel their child isn’t ready.

I know its not ideal hes in pull ups but hes only 4 and half

This is your problem right here @BulletinGuru

ONLY

He's closer to 5 than 4.
He's at school.
He's not a toddler. He's a school aged child.

Stop babying him and teach him to develop age appropriately. No ONLY about it.

If this is for real and you are in England then I’d make it a priority to speak to your Health Visitor, which he’ll still have because he’s under 5. A dummy and pull ups are not normal at 4 and a half so it sounds like either there’s some undiagnosed SEN, medical issues and/or you’re struggling with age appropriate expectations and awareness of developmental norms. They could hopefully give you some support, helpful resources and if necessary make referrals re SEN or continence team.

I would concentrate on day time potty training. Night-time dryness can be influenced by a hormone, so leave that for now. Although dummy not great for speech or teeth, I would do one thing at a time, so day time potty training.

Have a snack ready when coming out of school and have earlier bedtime. Many children (even those who have been in full-time nursery) can struggle in the early days of school. Ask school is there anything else he struggles with eg lining up, taking turns etc. Get the social skills sorted. Don’t worry about writing or reading yet. But do read to him. Can do things to help fine motor skills. But don’t push too much

This is what teachers are up against. 4.5 year olds in nappies and still having dummies. You need to toughen up and get him ready for school. A lot of kids cry the first week or so but they soon get used to it.

My boy is a March baby so younger than yours, also started reception this year. He never did nursery or preschool and has only ever been in our care or his childminder (2 days a week) so it’s a huge adjustment for him. However, we prepared him for months to get him ready for school by working on skills like independence with dressing and toileting, social skills and being away from us like you’re supposed to. He went in on Tuesday no problem and although was a bit quiet after his first day, he’s been fine for the rest of the week because he knew what to expect and what to do.

Your boys age isn’t the problem, you’ve failed to adequately prepare him for school like you’re meant to as his parent. By the time they get to school they should be potty trained and comfortable leaving you for the day, he’s 4 and a half he’s not a baby. School are right not to keep him back a year - why should your child be disadvantaged and different from any other child when it’s you as parents who have failed him?

His confidence will actually be higher if you push him a little bit out of this babyish comfort zone you've built around him. I think that both you and him will get impressed by what he's actually capable of doing.

Stop asking moment to moment if he wants nappies and dummies, the fear of the decision will mean he always says yes, even if on reflection he'd like not to be in nappies at school. You are the adult here and need to step up and help him put two and two together - 🙂‍↔️ nappies in school meals making some effort with the toilet now.

I'm not sure aibu was the right area for your post op. Some people on here are so desperate to stick the boot in that they have nothing constructive to offer

I'm not sure it's "sticking the boot in" to ask why a 4.5 year old is still using a dummy and wearing nappies/pull-ups. The fact that so many children are starting school in nappies was even in the news this week.

He’s really not one of the youngest. He’s one of the oldest. I’m sure as soon as you’ve dropped him off at school in the morning he’s absolutely fine. Little kids know exactly which buttons to press to get their own way! It sounds like he’s very good at it if you’ve been giving into his stubbornness! You need to get him potty trained as quickly as possible. I’m amazed that his nursery didn’t help you get this sorted before school. Quite rightly school won’t change him so he needs to get sorted. Have you tried the ping pong ball in the toilet game? Giving him something to ‘aim’ at usually helps boys get the hang of weeing in the toilet. Until he’s cracked it, you need to take his pull-ups off any time he’s not in school and get him used to pants and going to the toilet. Take him to the toilet on the hour every hour and even if he doesn’t ’go’ get him used to going through the motions. Get him some handwash with his favourite character on the bottle so he’ll want to wash his hands. Turn it all into a fun activity. Give him lots of praise. You can do this! But you’ve really got to push him as he needs to be school ready NOW!

Send him in part time legally they don’t need to be there full time til they are 5.

Are you sure nursery had no concerns re his toilet training and use of dummy?

Why did you not tackle these things before he went to school?

It seems she had a bit of a go but her son got "stressed"
Its a bit late now OP but you should have been on this since about age 3. Part of your job is to prepare your child for starting school.
Its going to be even harder now as he is already coping with a big change but you really must do what you can, you are doing him no favours by babying him.

Mine was like this. I promise it does get easier and it does get better. It feels awful. I know, your little heart breaks every day and heart sinks at bedtime the night before.
it will get better. Work with the school, they’ve seen it a hundred times before. Hide your tears and upset for on the way home!

He’s not one of the youngest at all. DS was born at the end of August and he was one of (if not the) youngest

Deferal has been changed to the first day of the school year birthdays in August to February now. It was legally changed in 2024.

When he is crying at handover what do you do? We find often the children who are “clingy” are actually responding to the clinginess of the parent. I would try to drop and run and much as possible! Can your DH do some drop offs?

“I know its not ideal hes in pull ups but hes only 4 and half”

He’s nearly five years old!

It really isn’t ideal, no. Put all your efforts into helping him master this. You keep saying he’s ‘only’ that age but he’s a school child now. You’re doing him no favours by babying him - quite the opposite; he’s now at a disadvantage when starting school. Your reaction to that seems to be that instead of helping him master these skills, you’d rather he was kept back a year. Who would benefit from that - him, or you, because you don’t need to make the necessary effort?

And he's in nappies??? How did you manage that and why? OP, you need to pull your finger out and start parenting.

Obviously he won't settle into Reception by himself because you failed to prepare him, he is probably stressed out about toilet and the fact nobody is mollycoddling him like you have for far too long. You haven't built up his independence and I really don't understand why.

Legally, children do not need to be receiving a full-time education until the term AFTER their child terms 5. So you could take him out of school and start for the summer term after Easter. The school can make it difficult if they wish, but there is no legal requirement for your son to be attending school until the summer term. You can ask the LA if you need to "defer" the place until summer, or if you just need to tell them that you no longer require his place, then reapply for summer term.

I really think you need to get on top of the toilet training now, rather than waiting any longer for him to settle in to school. Who knows how long that would take, and then you could end up with a 5 year old in nappies.

How is a Feb born child "one of the youngest"? He's 4y 7m. That's actually in the older half for Reception.

Why is he having a dummy still? It's not good for his speech or teeth.

You are babying him, OP, sorry to say.

I also have a 4yo, much younger than yours. It's not been an easy week but we're persevering.

What are you doing to support him? How did you prepare him for his first day? What do you do after school? How is his eating and sleep? He needs rest and streamlining things for the first few weeks, as well strictly limited screentime. You need to build up a routine. If you suspect he's ND then you need to get on a waitlist but I can't see from your post this is a worry.

A 4y 7m child should not be held back a year IMO.

He’s not one of the youngest at all.
Summer born babies (June onwards) are the young ones.

Some of the kids in his class could have still been 3 a week ago, turning 4 on august 30th. They are the youngest in the class not your 4 and half year old. He's one of the oldest.