To think school should’ve let me keep ds4 back a year?

It might be a reaction to the new baby, but just young for her age, sensitive and stubborn were some of the ways people ( especially school) described my daughter before her differences became more noticeable and she got her autism diagnosis. She also wasn’t fully toilet trained until nearly 5, and not for want of trying! Turns out she doesn’t actually know when she needs to go.

Compulsory education is until the age of 18?

If you are in the uk he’s not in the older half. He’s bang on half way. If he’s in Australasia he is young

No he’s not one of the older half at all. He’s bang in the middle of the academic year. Depending on the class he might still be one of the youngest or oldest

Op this is all you’re doing. What exactly have you done to ensure he was ready for school???? Lazy parenting if you ask me!!

What does age have to do with anything? A 1st time mum at 40 will know the same about raising a child as a 1st time mum at 19, and both have access to the same information resources.
I was a young mum, potty training was a breeze and was done before she started nursery at 3, the dummy fairy was due to arrive the night before her 3rd birthday, she understood and helped me collect them all up to pop in the bag. She found 1 we missed a couple weeks later and give it to me to pass on to the fairy.
Age doesn't make someone less capable, it's the effort and wanting to learn

I think a lot of people misuse the word "sensitive". It is supposed to mean particularly responsive to the feelings of others

It doesn't mean a child who lacks resilience/can't cope with age appropriate activities.

I know it seems hard but it does sound like you've let him slip into a habit of making a fuss over doing difficult things etc and not making him persevere and become more independent.

Children get anxious when they have a hovering parent babying them. It removes their chances of doing things and realising they CAN do it for themselves.

You 100% need to get the dummy gone. Just go cold turkey - he is 4 and a half!!

Also go cold turkey on nappies. He's not a baby. If he screams/makes a fuss - impose a consequence. He is going to find school very hard if he used to be babied at home - they will not put up with it.

He is given the dummy during the day too.

He is quickly learning “I cry I get what I want” this is an occasion where you need to be the parent and if that means some tough love and some days of extra washing or sleepless nights then so be it.

start with toilet training, plan nothing for the full weekend next weekend. Bin the pull ups and be firm. As he seems to respond well to attention then lots of praise and stickers when he uses the toilet but no comment at all when he has an accident other than “remember to use the toilet”

A thread to get frothers going?

Deferring him a year to compensate for your failure to potty train is very unfair. Also if you continue to make excuses for why you're not doing it, he'd be no further along anyway!

He needs guidance and support for stressful situations, not to be removed.

Not sure why people are having such a go at the OP. To my mind the only real issue is the toilet training, and this can be solved. I don't see a real issue with using a dummy at night or with being sensitive generally.

Yes my nieces started at 3 in France and had to be potty trained.

Also, OP how on earth do you have 3 older children and not know how the school starting age works? Did you not figure this out your eldest started and do your older ones not get invited to birthday parties that make it obvious the Septembers are the eldests in the year? And surely you’d know what’s required for starting school and that using the loo independently is one of them? I find the whole thing really odd tbh.

My son started at school this year. He was four in April. He still wears a nappy night. I knew six months before we joined that I would need to make him ready, he went to full-time nursery so I knew that he was used to being away from me for periods of time, so it wasn’t too much of a difficult change for him. The government sent out information about preparing your child for school which included preparing them for being away from you, and ensuring that and get their clothes on off, and also that they are potty trained as much as possible.

This is only one week so I think it’s very normal behaviour. However, as parents we do have a duty to try and make our children ready for this change. I’m sure you’ve tried your best with potty training, but we all have been warned and you had at least a years notice that he was gonna start school.

I’m sure we’ll be fine in a few weeks. I’m not sure holding him back would be helping anyone. I would wait till he settled in for a few weeks and try my best to potty train.

I agree with pushing toilet training from
around 2.5 year old my children were judgemental about children their age in nappies. By 5 my youngest understood that a child in her class has nappies because he his brain works differently and it will take him a bit longer to get the hang of using the toilet.

OP, you've left 'not ideal' in the dust. A child still in nappies at 5 is not normal. If you really can't train him, he needs to see a doctor to find out whether he can even feel the sensation of needing to go.

It may just be as you say, his parenting has been a bit neglected, this is probable as he's still using a dummy too but I'd want to know for sure there is nothing wrong because 5 is ridiculously old for nappies.

Was it a school nursery or a private nursery?

Potty training should be done without any pull ups or potty training pants. Don’tnworry about over night traning that tends to be hormonal.

Has the dentist not mentioned the dummy? I wouldn’t do anything about taking it away over night until January now but don’t give it during the day, that should have stopped when he turned 1.

I would email the class teacher with your concerns - clingy and emotional immaturity and ask them to keep an eye out for any concerning behaviour.

I would also contact HV (he will be under them until he is 5) and ask to be sign posted to some parenting support. You can also ask the class teacher for this.

From a couple of posts it’s impossible to tell if something is going on or if it’s low parental expectations.

This is untrue. I’m from another European country where children start school the term after their 4th birthday.

I think the Op gets it now her son isn't one the youngest.

I found with potty training you just have to commit to it - get rid of the pull ups and deal with any accidents. Now they are at school it’s the right time to crack on with it properly and get rid of the dummies too - they will get used to it quickly enough.

Do you have any other concerns,s other than the Late toilet training ?
Does he have any other Developmental delays ?

Sorry op the issue here is you saying ‘he is ONLY 4.5’. That is too old for these things to be issues. Stop giving into him and let him cry for a bit and get used to things.

Get rid of the dummy cold turkey.

Potty training isn’t always an instant thing. My boy took months, but it was an absolute priority for me to not send him to school in nappies.

And I like PPs really don’t understand why you think Feb born kids are the youngest, unless it’s an excuse you’re trying to make.

You can only defer summer born children, if he’s born in February he’s one of the oldest and can’t be held back a year. That said, it’s not compulsory that he is in education until the start of the term after they turn 5, so for your son that will be on April 1st 2026. You can discuss it with the school if you want to keep him home until then, they may be happy to hold the place until then although I don’t think they have to. It would mean he would only do a term of reception before Year 1 next September so it would be up to you if you think that is right for him. More information here: https://www.gov.uk/schools-admissions/school-starting-age