To think school should’ve let me keep ds4 back a year?

No they're not all the same but it's the 'young for his year, should have been kept back' that's confusing me.

Well they can implement an intimate care plan.

Children aren’t all the same, though? From what the nursery have said, there maybe something developmental going on here as well as the parenting.

P.s it really is up to you whether you want to defer him, you would just have to put him down as homeschooled no one can tell you otherwise unless there are agencies involved for any reason.

But, if you did decide to do that I really would be using that time to fully teach him how to be independent.

Having older siblings around the house should help with this.

If you are concerned about his development, then school would help pin point those areas too, and hopefully offer support if things did become apparent.

Awww it's hard, OP. There is a reason why in many countries, school starts at 6. Not much you can do really other than try and support him as best you can and also communicate with the teacher.

Sorry, I'm not understanding this at all. My little girl is 3 and will be 4 in November, so 9 months younger than your son. She's in preschool now due to her birthday but I know if she was in reception instead she'd be absolutely fine. She's fully potty trained, bright eyed, bushy tailed and ready to learn. In the nicest possible way I absolutely think you are babying your son a bit and he should really be ready for school at this point.

It’s early days for school: keep things light and positive. Chuck the dummies away and sort out the potty training. Keep an eye out for SEN and have a word with your health visitor.

Struggling with drop off and joining in is normal. Still having a dummy is not - you need to get rid of this. Potty training, I empathise as our daughter was similar with refusing to go unless wearing a nappy and it was really hard. You need to work with the school on this and get some sort of care plan in place so they can help him with personal hygiene. It does read like you ‘baby’ him a lot. I think you need to start rapidly changing how you support him to encourage his confidence and independence, and support him with adjusting to school. He isn’t young for the year by any stretch, he just needs preparing more.

Any additional needs op?

Needing a dummy and not being potty trained at 4.5 is, as a pp said up thread, a you problem. Both challenges that need to be overcome at some point - dummy at bedtime can wait (for now, until the dentist tells you he needs braces anyway) but you really have to get a move on with toilet training op. Unless there are any additional needs there's no reason why dc shouldn't be fully clean and dry day and night by 5.

My son started this week (August birthday so recently 4). He struggled with drop offs but was fine after that and really enjoyed it. I think struggling with drop off is normal. Not being potty trained and using a dummy still is not normal unless special needs.

I think it’s right that school didn’t let you defer. You need to work on getting him ready. Having 4 other boys is not an excuse as you chose to have them and have a responsibility towards looking after them appropriately and that includes preparing them for school.

I think you and the school are going to need to put a plan in place for the potty training side of things. I don't know how independent he is at changing them but plenty of spares of pants, shirts, socks will be needed as will a bag to put them in.

If I were you, and I have 5 also, I'd knuckle down and push ahead with getting up to speed with where he needs to be. Use the weekends to be entirely nappy free during the day to begin with. Make it exciting and how now he's a big boy in big school, he can be in big boy pants. Explain that nappies are for babies and demonstrate this with his little sibling. Any accidents he does have, try to encourage him to clean himself up and get fresh clothes to put on i.e what they are expecting in school.

Yes, it is going to be a battle at times, but you will get a small break whilst he is at school to mentally prepare for that. (I totally understand the baby and the housework means that you don't actually get a real break btw)

Get Dad and the other boys on board, maybe buy some sort of target for him to aim into to make it fun. Lots of praise and rewards for dry nappies and having a go at using the toilet.

I really wouldn't worry about the crying too much at this stage. It's all new and they've had a break over the summer and it will be some getting used to.

I would do one thing at a time though.

Day time nappy first, then dummy, then nighttime nappy. Give yourself a good few months to tackle it though.

He will be so proud of himself in the end when he masters it!

I'm sick of hearing this! If he was in Scotland he'd absolutely be the very youngest. Our cut-off is February, with automatic deferral for Jan/ Feb birthdays, so many, many parents defer. Since Covid we now also have the right to defer if the child is not yet 5 (so even if child is 5 one day after schools go back mid August, you can defer). We're IN the UK.

There's a growing push for school to start at 6 (in line with many European countries) and I'm all for it. In my opinion, we should be looking to Finland for all educational decisions: all children would benefit from kindergarten, then fornal schooling from 6, or even 7.

The OP hasn’t said about SEN, so your daughters situation isn't the same.

OPs child sounds over babied, and needs to be toilet trained swiftly, and weaned away from a dummy.

He’s school age, not a baby. 🤷‍♀️

Not really. She said herself she's not got time to do it properly as she's running around after the other kids, including a 14 month old (and then also the three that are older than him). Additional needs or not, no child is going to thrive without adequate time and attention and he has not had that invested in him by the sounds of it. She's just taken the path of least resistance and not done the basics to get him ready for school.

Mine was 4 years 8 months when they started school and they cried every morning for the first three months. It was hard but deferring was not an option. Mine is clingy and "sensitive", but in the end they got on with it. You just need to do the drop off and let him crack on. Teachers are usually quite good at distracting the kids from their anxiety and hopefully he'll soon find stuff at school that he enjoys.

We had some kids that had a dummy in their mouth on their way to school and it did look a bit out of place, but it wasn't my place to say anything obviously. Mine ditched it at 3 and we told them that there was a baby bunny that was desperate for a dummy, and that if we leave it on the windowsill, a mother bunny will pick it up and give them a present. DC did it and they found a present and a lovely letter from mother bunny expressing her gratitude, and DC was very pleased. They did drop their naps because they didn't sleep well without the dummy, but it was kind of the time to not nap anymore anyway, so it was fine.

I'd focus on the potty training first. Get it done. Mine was 2,5 years old and it took 3 days. I think we were lucky, but we were prepared for a few weeks of accidents. We bribed DC with chocolate buttons and every time they used the potty, we made a fuss and they loved it. You could probably skip the potty entirely now and just get him to use the toilet as that is what they will have at school. It's not too late! Just crack on and give it a few months and I'm sure he'll get the hang of it. 😊

This is such an ignorant comment. Within ‘normal’ is a huge range. Some dc just develop later than others. Blaming the mum (and it’s always the mum who gets the blame 😠) is counterproductive and nasty. It can just be that child’s normal. So a misogynistic and ableist comment 👏👏👏

Think your DH needs to step up as a parent @BulletinGuru

This!!!! Concentrate on actually parenting the children you have instead of popping out more!

But a child could be one of the youngest depending on the class. My dd is a Feb born and most of her year were Sept-Feb born. Then a big gap then a small number really young. One of my ds years had most birthdays clustered really late in the year. The other had a year that was very evenly spread out.
so no, nationally not young but could be young in his class/year still

If he can hold it in all day then he is more than ready to potty train.
Come on OP he's your 4th! I don't understand how you've let it get to this point.

Quite often not in a school though, .

Weird one this suggestion.
Does he see his big brothers and dh wee at home?
get them weeing with the door open. Sounds mad I know, but the combination of seeing the boys at school and the “big boys” at home. Might flick the switch.

You could opt to home educate for a year. Get him toilet trained etc. He would probably have to go straight into year 1 next September but that could be more of a shock
as not much play. You would need to teach him phonics etc at home.

This is really sad. You've neglected his needs and now he can't cope, isn't toilet trained and still has a dummy. Having extra kids isn't an excuse to not do the basics with the kids you have. Thinking about whether you can meet those needs should be done before adding to a family.

If he's insecure or just immature because that's his developmental pathway, pushing him more than your instincts allow may make him regress.

Small children are programmed to develop holstically and become more independent. They do it whether you drive it or not. If he isn't doing it, maybe there's a reason you're not aware of.

It sounds like you've pushed him to the point of distress in the past. Don't allow yourself to be guilted into doing that more. It won't help.

Have you spoken to your health visitor about this?