To think school should’ve let me keep ds4 back a year?

OP has also said started in reception which wouldn’t be the case in Scotland as they start year 1

Sometimes they change a few deets for "outing" purposes.

They are. If they are not 5 on the day the term starts they can defer. But we don’t have reception in Scotland so don’t believe OP is in Scotland.

This is a genuinely hideous and unhelpful judgmental response.

OP, it sounds like you're overwhelmed and like you have some expectations for your DS that might be too low and others that might be too high. (I can only imagine having five sons! I have two sons and one on the way, and I feel completely overwhelmed myself sometimes).

As others have said, he shouldn't be in pull ups starting school. It does sound like the daytime pull ups are more of a power struggle. Have you called the ERIC helpline? They are experts and can be really helpful.

OTOH, accidents at night are really no big deal, as night dryness is hormonal and not something he can control. I know for a fact several boys in my DS's class were still in pullups at nighttime at the end of the Reception year. If you are giving reward/punishment for the nighttime dryness/accidents too, maybe that contributes to him feeling it's all too much?

Finding it hard to go in and not joining in with carpet time in the first week of Reception are totally normal. Some children will be doing it, some won't, and of the ones that are doing it, some will have wobbles later in the year. Once he's made a few friends he might find the social/emotional stuff easier, and he has had literally a few days to do that so far. Try not to sweat this yet and give him as much reassurance as he needs at the start of the day. Some kids in my DS's class were allowed to bring in a comfort blanket or cuddly toy from home in the first time to help with dropping off, would that be possble/help? (Probably not the dummy though)

As for writing, again there is such a range of normal at the very start of Reception. Mine could only do the first letter of his name at that point. By April he was able to write a short, badly spelled sentence and his teacher said he wasn't likely to meet the EYFS standards by the end of the year. However, it just clicked for him after that, and he did meet the standards and got a glowing report.

Writing will obviously come later on for your DS, once he's more settled and better able to concentrate. How are his fine motor skills otherwise? Mine did dough disco instead of writing at school for a while, which did seem to help.

I really hope it all improves for you and your DS.

OP, don't excuse your DH. These are his kids too and you're obviously not coping. Not sure what you expected with juggling so many boys of different ages, including a baby and your DS4. It looks like you're not paying attention to him. Nursery did make comments, where were you then? Did you follow up? He's slipping through the net in your household and you're so passive you're excusing it all, the boy needs you and your help. You and your DH need to get a grip and some help from family members to support your other kids too to allow you to get to grips with them all. You're clearly overwhelmed, juggling all of them is not a one person's job - I just don't understand your thinking.

They wouldn’t have started school this week if they were in Scotland. They went back in mid-August.

i think they both do, agreed

I think maybe you're focusing on the school instead of your son. He does sound a little behind and absolutely he might catch up or he might need a little help. It's unusual that he is not toilet trained yet , I'd definitely start focusing on that first.

I actually think you could kill two birds with one stone here and start putting your 14mo on the potty at every nappy change. At 14 months they won’t argue as much, and you’ll be surprised at how easily they’ll get the hang of it at that age. As soon as the 4yo sees his baby brother using a potty he’s bound to be more motivated. My boys were completely out of nappies before they were 2, with no training pants or pull ups in sight… it’s totally doable, just requires a bit of consistency (and then a few days of them running around the house with no pants on while being watched like a hawk).

Sounds like OP also needs to step up as a parent.

I wasn't talking specifically about the op (although not sure the main reason he's struggling is the nappies or dummies) In general I don't think most 4 year olds benefit from starting school. And many are definitely not ready.

My 6 year old finds writing hard (though he's meeting the expectations for his age)- his teacher said it's probably because he's a boy and often their motor skills are not ready. Emotionally and socially at 4 he would never have coped with the demands of school. He was okish at 5 with a supportive teacher in a supportive school, but perhaps starting at 6 would have worked better for him? However academically no doubt he's clever and articulate and he was clever and articulate at 4.

My middle son was 4 years and 5 days when he started school I was worried to death about him because he was so young and very small for his age, he settled in really well, loved going as his big brother, who he idolised, was at the same school in year 2. He was a bit slower than the others with his writing but absolutely fine, my third son was also born in August but so independent and capable for his age that you would never have guessed he was the youngest in the class. All children are different but I am surprised that he doesn’t want to be doing all the things his big brothers are doing regarding potty training and going to school. I would definitely get him seen by the HV or GP as I think his age is irrelevant - he will be older than a considerable chunk of his peers.

It doesn't matter if the op mentioned sen or not, the way she is being targeted over and over again, she needed someone telling her that things do improve. Because they do. No need for posters to be continuously putting the boot in and not give her any constructive advice

I absolutely agree with every part of this. DS3 is February born so I was able to defer (Scotland) so he was 5.5 starting school. DS2 is November born so I had no choice but to send him at 4.5. He hated it for a whole year. The next year he was much happier as, amazingly, he was a little more mature. He's now almost 19 & starting uni, but I still think he's young emotionally & socially for his age.

I absolutely would have been happier had they both been 6 before starting fornal schooling.

DS1 was exactly 5 & flew through school, but it would have done him zero harm to have had another year playing & socialising.

All children should be at proper kindergarten then school at 6 or 7. We just need a government/ s to have the fore-sight to invest in proper early years.

Same. I’m middle July so I was the 2nd youngest in the year. No aug birthdays for my class that year

I started jan. So my mum told me

makes sense e to miss 3/4mths rather then a year and all start around 4.5

He isn't one of the youngest, he is in the older part of the year...my dd was end of July so only just turned 4 when she went to school in September...one of her school friends turned 4 end of August. However both were toilet trained. It's very unusual unless there are other needs for a 4 year to not be toilet trained During the day. You need to look at the Eric website and get him trained asap.

Are you in Scotland, @BulletinGuru ? A February birth absolutely would be amongst the youngest if you are.

In England. Other parts of the U.K. have different cut off dates.

Oh op

You do need to focus on getting him ready now

I work in a reception class, at this point in the year we are very much aimed at play and throughout the year our focus is very much on targeting the continuous provision so children are learning without even knowing it.

So far we have done no formal teaching at all, carpet based sessions are singing nursery rhymes or at most dough disco. In the next few weeks we will introduce more with phonics and maths but on the whole it’s still play based.

Even our year 1 class is based around continuous provision and from what I can tell more and more schools are trying to do similar.

We still only have limited resources though and sadly our ability to be changing pull ups is limited (as a school we always do though and we expect lots of accidents especially in the first few weeks)

I really don't think it's nasty. I am just saying that on the surface of things, given neurodivergence wasn't mentioned, 4 and a half is absolutely not young for starting reception and many children are ready younger. Of course there could be more going on but that wasn't the question asked.

My kid is one month younger and is significantly more independent. What's going on for you guys op?

How can you have had three older boys in school and still claim that a Feb born would be amongst the youngest.

School shouldn’t be geared towards teaching basic parenting skills that are clearly lacking…