Dealing with a sulky husband

Why wouldn't you be able to travel if you separated?

id stop doung his washing & cooking for him. Id just outright refuse.

He’s not a husband, he’s a second child.
I’ve no idea why your boundaries are so poor that you put up with this. You’re teaching your DC that women do everything for men. How is that helpful?
Your job isn’t a barrier to separation, your DH will have to look after his own child whilst you work. Agree that in the divorce and don’t compromise on your career or earning potential for a man who doesn’t lift a finger to help you.
Your life will be significantly easier when you eventually realise you have to separate. You’re doing everything anyway, you just won’t have a sulking man child around to annoy you.

I'll never understand men who expect their partner to help earn money for the family full time, yet don't expect to go 50/50 on household stuff. If they think that's a "woman's job" then surely they should also think earning the money is a "man's job". Could you afford to go part time? That would also free you up for your dad more. Alternatively just stop doing all the housework!

My DH does a lot of the ‘outside’ jobs but also cooks most dinners. I clean, shop and do most of the laundry.

He deals with his side of the family - that has been my big win as he comes from a family where the women seem to do all that.

I am quite capable of standing my ground. Clothes dumped on the floor got thrown in his wardrobe not washed. That sorted that problem out.

Your division of labour is unfair and you need to stand your ground and get him told. I don’t respond to sulks - he would be ignored if he was my DH and his clothes would be left in the laundry basket.

Just stop - doing his washing, cooking from scratch, cleaning the bathroom etc. Do something nice for you with the time saved. Maybe he will wise up when he finds he has no clean underwear and no meal miraculously appears on the table.

Don't meal prep and don't do his washing. Drop anything you do for him. Don't put away his things, just put them on his bedside table fir him to put away.

And don't help him with outside jobs.

And men say "the divorce just came out of nowhere "

He's an arse. Lazy, rude, disrespectful.

Is there a way you can look after yourself, and NOT him?

Don't do any of his laundry. Don't cook for him. Don't do any of the millions of micro jobs for him.

How old is your daughter?

The resentment would ebb away at me, please take control and change things, he's getting it all his way and he knows it!

It doesn't have to be like this. Let him sulk, and get on with your life.

1. Don't make lunches for anyone during the week and don't cook at the weekends.

1. Put a laundry basket in your dd's room & training her to be responsible for her own washing.

1. Ditto with washing her own dishes & any mess she makes then she's responsible for clearing up. So what should left is his mess for him to clean.

1. Wash your own clothes and leave his for him to sort out.

1. Make a meal plan with the ingredients already in the house and just buy what's needed. If anything runs out then it'll have to go on the next online shopping delivery. You don't run to the shop to replace anything.

1. Your dd's costs should be taken from the joint account, she's his dd as well so he should pay for half.

1. Start running down the batch cooked food in the freezer now so the lazy shit will have to cook to feed his own daughter.

1. Christmas is coming up so only do the bare minimum, he'll have to shop & cook for his own family (if they're invited for dinner). Review the trips etc that you booked last year & just book half, if he wants the full experience then he's got to book & pay.

1. Split your dd's Christmas gift list in half and you're each responsible for your own half. Same for her birthday, do not be guilt tripped into bailing him out; he needs to feel the pain if he fucks up.

So you said “your turn to make coffee” and after an argument which basically amounted to “me man you woman” he stormed out of the house?

He has it easy and knows it and doesn’t want it to change. If he won’t listen and you want him to do more then you need actions or in your case non-action.

What would he do if you announced you would no longer be thinking about, buying items or making his lunches? Or only make your own coffee in the morning? His work clothes - his problem, same with his shower gel, razors etc.

Just slowly chip away at things.

And stop helping his minimal jobs.

Teach tween how to cook, once a week something easy to begin with, tell them both if it’s not in the laundry basket it won’t be washed.

If you really want to rock the boat, this is the sort of thing I would do, you could say something along the lines of
“It’s 2025 not 1955 I work full time having a penis does not mean you can’t do basic household tasks to contribute to all the work that needs doing for this house and our daughter, you think you are some Demi God with a golden knob that means you are just incapable of cleaning clothes or cooking a meal, it’s just boring, tedious and increasingly unattractive”

My H works full time and then some, but he doesn’t get out of being a dad, if he’s finished for the day and so am still in the kitchen or whatever he helps because he wants us both to relax in the evening.
Our teen boys do more than your H they are fully aware that when they move out they won’t have some female looking after them. They have had to be taught some things but they make us coffee now, can tidy and hoover the front room before friends come round, change beds, cook.

You could just ask him
“do you think I am here to be your domestic slave? Or everything our child needs is entirely down to me?”
see what he says, what are his expectations? At least then you would know and make a decision on what you are prepared to put up with from there.

It probably would be simpler if you separated. Presumably all he’s doing is helping pay the bills. Can you manage financially.

Here are all the jobs. It is not possible or desirable for you to do them all. Outsource (or cost up) everything you can (I discovered you can outsource laundry: I don’t do it all the time but it was a game changer). Use meal boxes for food to outsource planning and shopping; divide up cooking. Have you cleaner once a week. Cost up a gardener and (say) a day of handyman time a month. Tell him and tell him how much it will cost. If he doesn’t want to do it himself it’s not fair that you do it, so this is the price.

Stop being a doormat for him. Let him cook and wash his own bloody clothes.

Stop meal prepping. Stop doing half the shit you’re doing. And hold your daughter to account for doing more - from her own laundry to cooking.
and yes he will storm off and get arsey because why would he want this status quo disrupted?!

I think you need to revisit the indoor and outdoor jobs for a start. That is just too simplified and means you are doing the bulk of the work. I mean what happens in Winter hen there is not much to do outside?

Indoor jobs are constant.

You need to take a step back and do less things. He will soon notice if things affect him more. It’s the only way!

Your h’s way of dealing with things is really unhealthy. To get defensive, sulk, and storm out is really unhelpful and even abusive.

Is he 5? You must be able to deal with problems and talk about them in an adult way, or your relationship is doomed.

btw he is VU. He is a lazy arse who should be pulling his weight.

He is completely unreasonable. Just split all indoor and outdoor jobs down the middle and tell him he can pay to outsource his jobs. Pretty sure he will be doing the bare minimum when you’re away, and like you say you’re cooking for them before you go. Sorry but I couldn’t live with someone who thought it was acceptable for me to do all the cleaning, i’d feel so much resentment for him and that would of course bubble into my relationship with him.

Don’t do his washing or cooking or anything else.

If the man says it is 'all on him', well, let it be 'all on him'.
No more batch cooking for dh.
It reminds me of a BBQ. The man waves his tongs over the grilling meat and getting all the praise and compliments. What a hero. The woman has planned, bought and made multiple dishes to be near invisible.

He is getting arsey because he knows he is taking advantage of you.
Doing a job for 8 weeks a year is not an excuse to not do it again.
Don't doubt yourself @theyoungishman

I’m guessing you also leave him instructions about where your dd needs to be, what time to pick her up etc…

P.s. you’re definitely not being unreasonable. And I agree with PP’s - don’t cook for when you’re away anymore. Husband will need to make meals and daughter will be fine!

Cooking ideas:
Prawn stir fry
Chicken, lemon, courgette, sweet potato tray bake and throw in spinach to wilt at the end
Stews/casseroles with bread
Omelette

I’m not sure what to suggest with DH, but if you’re not going to get any help, change the cleaner to once per week - it will make a big difference to the daily cleans.
In terms of food shopping, can you do that online? You can create lists or even click a button to add all of a previous order to your basket which would save so much time! If you shop at Tesco, ask the driver to bring it in to your kitchen - they don’t have bags, so you don’t want to have to unload it all in to the hallway and walk to and from your kitchen with all the items. Cooking wise, find quick/under 30 mins recipes. Maybe some one pot meals and nothing complicated. Change some of the veg to frozen mixed veg. No mashed potato, have boiled new potatoes and throw in some butter and dried herbs at the end. Just make everything quick! Batch cook when you can. I’m sorry about your dad OP, big hug to you x