Date’s messy house and not my style

Wow . I’m glad you don’t come to my house.
how rude!

Hopefully he will throw this one (you) back.

I think you are confusing compatibility with perfection.

'Compatibility' in this situation means 'does he have the ability to compromise/adapt'. You have said his house isn't dirty, so the thing to be wondering about here is whether he would adapt to your routines of keeping a house more tidy. Also whether you are able to accept a little more mess than you would have ideally - because living with ANY second person always involves compromise on both people's part somewhere.

I think the root of this is that you are ascribing more importance to this issue because of your previous abuse. It wasn't the decor that was the problem, it was the controlling man.

So in your situation I'd carry on dating, have fun, get to know eachother and see how things go - if he's an irredeemable slob or a controlling arse, you'll soon find out.

Op look the most important thing when you are dating a man isn’t his decor.

Along with compatibility/attraction It’s whether he is a fully functional adult that cleans, cooks, tidies, works and that you have common goals and treats you as an equal.

Not what soft furnishings he is into.

I sense a gap in the market for a new tv show - a sort of hybrid of First Dates and Location, Location, Location. Potential couples are taken round a series of houses to test their compatibility on interior design matters and whether it’s more important to live near a school or trendy bars and restaurants.

💯 support
I can't believe op is arguing so much, perhaps another sign she isn't ready for this dating game.

Seriously, it won’t change (his messiness) and you’ll be forever picking up after him.

his furniture style etc?! Honestly no big deal. Compromise.

I think what’s causing me and some other posters concern is that you seem to be evaluating his house as much/more than him. Like you are looking for a package where you move in and get him and a new home, rather than looking for an equal partnership based solely on mutual affection.
I’m sorry if that is not the case but it’s what your first post sounds like.

If the house was clean and he is a nice bloke I wouldn’t care about the style of his furniture.
Im an over thinker but I’m not materialistic so possessions don’t bother me at all.
We’ve all seen the threads on here from women going to their dates houses to find filthy toilets, stained bed sheets and all sorts of grossness, furniture not to your taste is neither here nor there.
I would be more worried about him being financially stable, no weird habits, respectful and in my case kind to animals and children.
You are coming across as very judgemental , maybe your furniture doesn’t appeal to him but he’s more interested in you as a person.

People are saying you’re overthinking, which I think you’ve said alrwsdy and saying that you shouldn’t be mentally moving into his house and imagining how it woukd look after a few dates, especially when you’ve had an abusive relationship previously.

All fairly reasonable.

My very best friend in all the world has decorated her house in shades of pink. I hate pink. It's girly and twee and I loathe it.

But she helped me through a traumatic divorce, several horrible life events and is always there for me. So we just don't visit interior design shops together.

Works for us.

You do sound rather materialistic OP……..why is it any of your business how this bloke lives?

My bedroom furniture is from Oak Furnitureland, would rather have good quality, solid wood than the tat from IKEA people are so fond of. It also wasn't cheap (or flat pack).

I had a previous history of moving in with a man who was very controlling over how things go in his house. Don't want to repeat it.

I'd say you're very controlling about wanting to change this man's house to suit your style. Have you not considered that he might find your house not to his style? He's probably respectful and well mannered enough not to want to change anything as it's not his home.

Stop being a control freak.

As a bloke reading this my opinion is that he should run very far and very fast in the opposite direction or alternatively back away while maintaining eye contact (I haven't had to escape a nutter in a while so I've forgotten the correct procedure)

I'm going for 'crackers'.

OP is extremely patronising in responses and has written a very judgemental first post (then claimed "no judgement" 🤣).

OP maybe you should focus more on these potential partners' attributes and less on them being providers of nicely furnished and decorated homes for you to move in to. If it got to the stage of cohabitating, then I would suggest you both sell your respective properties and buy somewhere new together, so that there is equal contribution and a mutual discussion on how best to furnish it.

I'm not sure why people are being so nasty. You've seen something about him thatskes you question whether he's a good fit for you long term. Of course you should be thinking long term.

I do think you should split. You're not suited. He's messy. You're tidy. No it won't change. He'll get worse because he won't have to tidy up after himself, you'll do it.

Ugh I hear you. You need to know if he would let you change it or does he have ‘a style’

i had an ex and everything he had bought was from Oak Furniture land. Honestly it just killed it for me. It was an embodiment of a lot of other pedestrian things he did

I think style is reflective of something in a person.
My DH is very neat and tidy and has well selected “peices” ( ie expensive vintage) and some quirky bits. But it’s all of the exact same type. This is him through and through.
Mine is an eclectic mix of junk as always been poor but people say I have good style and nice stuff.
I couldn’t be with anyone that had no taste, had a gaudy/flashy style or in fact had no interest in decoration.

I went to my partners house, beautiful home,massive garden - inside was literally an office(messy) and a bedroom.
Totally not my country cottage vibes (I do not live in the country,nor a cottage that is my vibe-my son describes it as a dolls house mainly because I’m 5’4 and a bit (the bit is the magical bit) and he is 6’4 - anyway he has his own apartment now).
Literally my partner bought me my own chair (office chair of course) so I could sit down when at his house and I took my own spare dish because he had nothing other than what he needed.
I was with him for him not his home (office) and he’s the most awesome man and we are very happy !!

Has he mentioned you moving in then?

Your posts are quite aggressive and I’m wondering if something in this discussion is activating for you. Might be worth thinking about. Your posts have reduced the ops concerns to such things as “fantasising about picking out home furnishings for a joint home with someone you barely know, then getting anxious about how to manage colour scheme and furnishing style disagreements with him that you anticipate arising”. It is clear to me from reading the ops posts that she has broader concerns and the furniture style is just one aspect of a bigger picture for her which is being undermined by these types of comments and the force with which they are delivered. I don’t usually post like this but it looks like your posts are not about trying to help the op work out her concerns and it seems the op doesn’t find them helpful.

There’s a difference between thinking about plausible hypothetical situation with a reasonable likelihood of occurrence and fantasising about picking out home furnishings for a joint home with someone you barely know, then getting anxious about how to manage colour scheme and furnishing style disagreements with him that you anticipate arising (without even asking this man if he even likes his current furniture or just has it due to circumstance!) and being deeply concerned about how to rectify this non-existent problem that’s highly unlikely to occur anyway because the man is still pretty much a stranger to you. That << is crackers.

Nobody “has a problem with you”, OP. People have been giving you advice, like you asked them to do.

It’s really not appropriate for you to be making personal conjectures about other posters who haven’t said anything about themselves or asked for advice. Not that it’s relevant, I haven’t dated anybody for a long time so you can cease your comments attempting to imply that I am some kind of loose woman or whatever judgemental disparagement you’re attempting to sling at women who don’t start imagining a joint home or babies with each man with whom they go on a couple of dates.

That doesn’t mean that they have lower standards than you are are not looking for serious relationships, quite the opposite: it means that they aren’t engaging in fantasies about building a life with men they barely know and will only entertain thoughts about a future with somebody once that person has proved their worth.

Your approach to it gives the impression of desperation for a serious relationship and trying to fit men who show interest in you into that role at an early stage rather than focusing on spending time with someone in a natural way appropriate to the extent to which you’ve got to know them, and unfortunately this will make you very vulnerable to certain unpleasant types of men who will pretend to be what you are showing them you desperately want them to be.

In theory, nothing wrong with thinking about long term when you’re looking for a relationship, not a fling. But it’s hard to find a decent guy out there in the dating world, so I wouldn’t be ruling someone out as I don’t like his taste in furniture. When you live with someone, it should be a compromise on style, and that can be difficult if people have wildly different tastes. Totally your call if you’re going to call time on this early as you don’t like his sofa, personally I think that’s a bit bonkers.