Is this normal behaviour from soon to be ex?

To be fair, he’s probably been waiting ages.

Im sorry you’re upset though.

While it’s shitty that he’s been thinking about a split for months, maybe years, things will be a lot simpler for you and your kids without half siblings in the future. He could be one of those people who love bomb step kids but that sort of thing often lasts as long as the relationship with the mother.

He started the emotional detachment from you a very long time ago. It’s not fair that he’s miles ahead in that but you can get to the point where you won’t care about him too. Don’t tell him when he’s pissing you off for not showing consideration for you any more. If he’s a dick then he will love that you are still hung up on him and do it more.

Look at the positives. Your children aren’t going to have any half sibilings and therefore a reduction in the amount of child maintance going to you.

Where are you up to with the practicalities of the seperation?

I would be pleased. Any future kids he might have would suck time, attention and resources away from your shared children. It’s better for them that he takes definitive action now to ensure that doesn’t happen. You need to shift your focus away from him and towards your own future so you can start taking steps to building something better for you and your kids.

Bit of an odd thing to tell you given you’re separated. Maybe he’s trying to be responsible and is considering that he doesn’t want anyone else going through pnd? I don’t like his accusation of ‘emotional instability’ at all.

However, your main focus should now be physically separating and making decisions on where everyone’s going to live/finances/custody.

He’s probably telling the truth that he asked for the operation a while ago, although it sounds as if he didn’t discuss that with you beforehand which given you will have thought you were happily married at the time seems odd, so I can see why he is still going ahead with the operation.

I can see why you feel he has been insensitive but I suspect he checked out of the relationship long before he said anything so is probably further along the road to having sex with something else.

@PollyBellof course a man can cause anxiety and pnd in a woman, look at all the risk factors, so many of them are to do with lack of support and abusive relationship
im sure abusive women can also cause men to have anxiety and depression, yes, but I wouldn’t say so in the perinatal period when the imbalance of power is so flipped

This may sound harsh as you are in the thick of it... but i mean this kindly...
Why do you care? Why are you letting his actions affect you so much? Why does he get to.decide that you are no longer in a relationship but will continue to live together with him in thr spare bedroom?

You're not happy. The set up now is not conducive to you or your children being in a happy, loving home. So now it is time for you to make decisions for you and rhe kids as the only focus, just like he has made decisions that benefit him.

Go and see a solicitor, don't tell him anything. See where you stand. Get copies of paperwork about finances, mortgage, earnings, pensions, contact universal Credit if benefits may be something you are eligible for. Inform the school/nursery so they can support the kids because they will have picked up on more than you know.
Focus on you and the kids... not him! You deserve better and if your child was in your situation you would tell them to get out.

i can only advise to get over it. Same thing happened me. I wanted 3 kids. Xh wanted 2. He got vasectomy after 2. It affected me. But i got over it. Him being an absolute shit anyway meant i divorced him.

If you want more kids then … but sounds like you have worse issues. Move on if you can :-)

Did you want more children? If he had talked about it ages ago, how did that discussion go?

Bless you OP, it must be hard living with him after he wants to end your marriage.
Focus on yourself and let him continue with his journey. Try and get control of this situation, this will give you strength. Your future will not be bleak!

I’m sure it’s hitting really hard because of the current situation and the fact that nothing has been decided about how either of you move forward now or what the timeframe looks like. But I wonder if the separation has thrown some of his feelings into sharp relief and he’s deciding that he only wants to be responsible for the children that he has and not bring any more life into the world, given the inherent emotional, physical and financial complexities involved when a couple who share children separate. I don’t think it’s being done with future relationships in mind - in fact it could arguably make his dating pool smaller when potential future matches know that he cannot father any further babies.

I do see it is as a sign of responsibly, of things hitting home, but I can totally see how it feels in light of how uncertain things are at present. But equally I don’t think he needs to ask your permission or tell you that he is doing it - given how things stand - I think the fact he is telling you can only be a good sign, he’s being honest and transparent, and hopefully that is how he will continue to act as the dust settles and decisions start to be made. And by the way, you can take those decisions yourself, you don’t need to wait for him. You can take control, even if it doesn’t feel like it. You can give him a timeline, you can set out expectations. I wish you all the best.

Edited because I forgot how to use paragraphs.

But he will eventually want someone else if you're splitting up, and you probably will too at some point in the future.

But he doesn't get to choose when he receives a letter with his appointment.

I get how you're looking at it because your emotions are obviously raw.

But it has nothing to do (at this stage) with wanting someone else, and everything to do with not wanting more children.

Because he'd made up his mind. Living with someone who has PND, or anxiety etc isn't easy. He'd decided that he didn't want to go through it again. Either way it would split you, so he's made his decision.

He might not be thinking of that. Maybe he just got to the top of the waiting list. (I had one many years ago, and had to wait a few months).
However, I can fully understand why it feels like really bad timing. Good luck for the future.

Unless your post is some ironic thing ypu are being a man for pnd? And anxiety? Can woman cause it for men or does it work only one way?

I don't think it's weird to tell the person you're co-parenting with that you've had an operation.

Especially as we don't know how old the kids are.

I assumed you’re not still sleeping together? In which case it’s weird he told you, just like
it would be weird if you told him you’re off to get the coil fitted. You guys need to cut the cord.

I imagine he is probably an insensitive mean guy though and I bet the pnd and anxiety are his fault and you feel better once you shake him off

It's his body

Yes it does seem insensitive but at least you won't have the heartache of seeing him with dcs with someone else.

He doesn't need to consult you if he's decided he doesn't want any more kids.

That's his decision.

And to be honest, he would be less likely to if he felt he wanted to end the marriage.