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Original poster

To want to address parenting styles with my oldest friend

89 replies

BubbalaDetalla · 05/09/2025 22:56

I have a friend who idolises her DS. Most of the time I admire her and think she is an amazing mum. And he is a great kid. Recently, however, I have sometimes found her approach with him quite damaging for a number of reasons. She is in my view excessively defensive of her DS to the detriment of other kids (and potentially her own DS) This recently caused an issue when her DS was being quite dominating with my (gentle and shy) DS and I intervened to separate them.
She wants to meet up in half term and I don't currently want to do this because I am uncomfortable with her parenting style. I feel like if her DS was overbearing with my DS she wouldn't intervene and would be pissed off if I did. And of course I won't put my DS in this situation.
I have known this friend for over 35 years. We have been incredibly close in the past and were a lifeline to each other during mat leave and various trials and tribulations of life. It is only since the boys turned 5, in the last year or so that this has become an issue.
My friend lost both of her parents very young and while she has dealt with this in a way I admire, and in many ways is admirably strong, I do think she has some.issues potentially related to this/abandonment issues that are born out in her parenting. I think she is quite unhappy and her DS is her primary source of price and joy. She cannot bear to tell her DS off, even when in my view she should
It's coming to the point where I love her and her DS in themselves but I don't like the dynamic of the four of us together.
My DH thinks I should not mention my views to my friend and let the relationship fade out. He has no qualms with burning bridges but I am loathe to let go of the friendship and am considering broaching the issue with her.
We have always spoken frankly in the past. Her friendship is really important to me - should I swallow her parenting style and keep our Ds's apart and not mention anything, or try to discuss this with her?
I think the reason it is difficult to discuss, beyond the fact that discussing opposing parenting styles is potentially disastrous and usually a no go area, is that she is very defended around this topic. She and her DH do not have the greatest relationship in part because she will not entertain any questions of her parenting style from him. Am I mad to want to broach this? Has anyone ever had a conversation like this that's gone well? We do have a few other mutual friends who have made comments /rolled eyes in the past regarding her indulgence of DS so I suspect I'm not the only one who views things this way. I feel like if it was me I'd want to know. But I know it won't be easy. Help!

OP posts:
curious79 · 06/09/2025 06:38

This conversation will only go in one direction and it won’t be good.
I tried to raise the issue of a friend’s son being a sex pest towards my DD - very clear justification too. I’ve know her 40 yrs. We are no longer friends because she defended it in the manner of ‘your DD asked for it’.

I think you can only manage the dynamic - protect your DS - or not see them

PussInBin20 · 06/09/2025 06:34

No don’t do it. It won’t end well. Just intervene each time and tell him off yourself or knock the play dates on the head.

InWalksBarberalla · 06/09/2025 06:11

beachcitygirl · 06/09/2025 04:54

The babying is real. I seen someone on here describe their child as 62 months. WTAF have another baby if you want one that badly. Bloody ridiculous

The only person I knew like this was suffering from secondary infertility and kept having miscarriages when trying to have another baby - didn't make the babying of the first better but i understood. School sorted the babying aspect out and you wouldn't know now.

Namechange822 · 06/09/2025 06:05

It’s really likely that the child-on-a-pedestal thing will get better as her child gets older. School helps with a lot of these sort of issues as it forces a more realistic viewpoint.

So I’d just try and do a few months of adult only meet-ups, and then try again with the kids.

I wouldn’t try and broach it. In general by this age people have settled into parenting in a style they think is right, so she’s unlikely to changed based on one conversation with you.

beachcitygirl · 06/09/2025 04:54

The babying is real. I seen someone on here describe their child as 62 months. WTAF have another baby if you want one that badly. Bloody ridiculous

Toddlerteaplease · 06/09/2025 04:53

Maybe she doesn’t like your parenting style either.

beachcitygirl · 06/09/2025 04:52

maintain the friendahip without kids along. if she questions this, say politely that you dont want to discuss this. this age/stage will
be gone soon. noone is rgt and noone is wrong. maybe she thinks your parenting style has made your kid shy? shy is not ideal.

estrogone · 06/09/2025 04:22

Say nothing. Meet sans children, if possible.

You will completely alienate your friend if you bring this up. Friendship finito. Is it worth it, just to have your say?

If you really really have to say simething. You would be far better being honest about the dynamic - without getting into parenting style.

LightDrizzle · 06/09/2025 04:16

She won’t take it well and I wouldn’t risk it.

I’d just say meet without the children and if she queries why or pushes for them joining you, just say your son was a bit overwhelmed last time and you don’t want to push it. If she asks what you mean just say her son is so much more confident than yours and he was overwhelmed and it you can try again when they are a bit older. She’ll probably interpret that as her boy being best and too mature for your poor scrap if her spectacles are as rose tinted as you suggest.

InWalksBarberalla · 06/09/2025 03:44

I wouldn't say anything, and would try and mainly meet without the boys until they get a bit older. You'll likely find the issue goes away as they grow up more and school and peer friendships have more influence on the boy's behaviour.

Katflapkit · 06/09/2025 03:02

It seems a shame to loose a long standing friendship like this. Is there any way the two of you could meet up without the boys. Suggest a cinema trip, Theatre or child free meal.

I agree with the above comments, if she is over protective (and defensive) than she is not going to take it a conversation about her parenting style very well and the two of will fall out.

Children do mature and perhaps her child will change, perhaps not who knows. I agree with not forcing your child to be with a child he doesn't like - he ce my suggestion of child free meet ups.

Sunnyscribe · 06/09/2025 02:59

Maybe just meet up without the kids?
Or intervene shamelessly if her child is being mean to yours and she's not doing anything about it?

It's difficult, I think having children opens up a new part of a person and she's been your friend for all these years but you don't like her parenting side and you live close to each other which makes it harder to have a friendship with her. It wouldn't matter so much of your were long distance friends.

PollyBell · 06/09/2025 02:22

I dont think either way is right or wrong but there is no way thia will end well regardless

CrotchetyQuaver · 06/09/2025 01:54

I can't imagine such a conversation will go well.
i think parenthood brings about a reshuffle of your old adult friends as everyone parents differently and the ones whose child rearing methods cause conflict/their kids don't get on with yours means they fall by the wayside over time because meeting up becomes an ordeal rather than something nice.
if you decide to say anything you have to be prepared for her to be so offended she ends the friendship.

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