Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Newish relationship - Waking me up.

263 replies

isitoverreacting · 05/09/2025 18:22

I don’t know if I’m overreacting or just hyper aware due to my past relationship.

My ex partner used to deliberately stop me from going to sleep. I’m aware it was one of the abuse tactics used along with many others. At the end of the relationship they admitted that they had done that deliberately because they hated to see me rest.

I’ve been seeing someone for just over a year. They know about this part of my last relationship because I have told them.

The new person I’m seeking is often telling me that I work really hard and that I need more rest and sleep.

A few weeks ago, DC was up in the night so I was up with her and it takes me a long time to get back to sleep. I eventually did. Both me and DC was asleep in her room after being up most of the night.

we finally got to sleep at 7am!
soon after, the person I’m seeing came in the room and nudged me awake saying “heh, you ok?”

I was fuming inside. Thinking “why on earth have you woke me up?!”
then DC also woke up. When this happened my partner stood up and said “I’ll let you go back to sleep then”. I said that’s highly unlikely to happen considering both me and DC were now awake

so I basically explained that I’ve been up all night and that I was in DCs room Trying to get her back to sleep and so that I didn’t disturb my partner. I was annoyed to be woken up for absolutely no reason at all.

Anyway, last week, The person I’m seeing stayed over at my house. I got into bed and explained I’m absolutely exhausted. I’ve been working really long days and I was completely and utterly shattered. So I said I need to go to sleep because I’ve got a banging headache and my eyes are stinging because I’m so exhausted. I fell asleep only to be woken up half an hour later by my partner saying “ I think I can hear someone having sex next door” And laughing about it. Again, I was really annoyed because once I wake up, it takes me about two hours to get back to sleep sometimes

I said there is no chance someone’s having sex next door. And it could be the TV or something. But I don’t see it as a reason to wake me up.

i’m aware that I could be completely overreacting with this and I’m hoping it’s not going to happen again. I’d like to think not because I explained that I really need my sleep and when I’m woken up, I can’t get back to sleep.

I don’t think it’s malicious either. I think it’s just a case of not thinking.

OP posts:
Plastictreees · 05/09/2025 22:10

I think the word abuser is being used too liberally in this thread tbh.

Nearly50omg · 05/09/2025 22:09

You have found another abuser - have you done the freedom programme through women’s aid and actually learnt anything from your previous abusive relationships? That and your child need to take priority!

a new relationship who came into my child’s room and woke me and them
up clearly deliberately is another ABUSER

TwistedWonder · 05/09/2025 21:55

Why on earth is the onus the OP to have to explain to a grown adult man that waking a sleeping person up for a pointless reason isn’t acceptable?

I mean come on - he’s not a child. Anyone who has reached adulthood without knowing normal behaviour shouldn’t be in a grown up relationship.

LightandBreezy · 05/09/2025 21:47

Get rid. It's not kind/ thoughtful behaviour.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 05/09/2025 21:29

OP you need to spell it out really clearly that if he EVER wakes you up he's straight out of the door. Personally, I'd have told him to go home, for 1. Waking me up; 2. Waking up DC; and 3. Coming into DC's bedroom. Do not allow him to do this EVER again, it is your DC's safe space, this man has no right to be there.
Either you are far too passive, or this is a wind up.
If it isn't a wind up, then your boundaries are non existent, and maybe you should get yourself some counselling and get out of this relationship.

Queenofheart · 05/09/2025 21:15

niadainud · 05/09/2025 18:29

Why do you keep writing, "the person I'm seeing" instead of using a pronoun?

I agree, this pisses me right off 🤬

Strawbaler · 05/09/2025 21:08

You don’t need a bloke in your life op

focus on you, your happiness, your health and your lovely kids

Coldnightsapproachingwhereismyduvet · 05/09/2025 21:05

They think they are more important than you..
My exh used to shower loudly at 6am when I didn't need to get up until 7.30. His way of telling me his Important Job was more important than my sleep.

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 05/09/2025 20:57

Oldraver · 05/09/2025 18:25

I would be telling him...If you wake me up for anything other than the house is on fire...............you will be gone. And mean it

In a nutshell. It sounds like you’ve never explicitly said “don’t wake me up” so it’s impossible to say with any uncertainty whether he’s being malicious or is a bit clueless and doesn’t make the connection between “I’m exhausted” and “do not disturb”.

Say exactly what you mean and then there is no ambiguity over his subsequent actions.

Original poster
isitoverreacting · 05/09/2025 20:51

@whatisheupto
i do think it’s thoughtlessness rather than something malicious or abusive. But it’s still really frustrating.

OP posts:
whatisheupto · 05/09/2025 20:40

Op don't keep blaming it on yourself "needing your sleep". You make it sound like you are the problem. The problem is him being stupid... or thoughtless at best, abusive at worst.
This is not about you "needing sleep" any more than anyone else.

TootSweeties · 05/09/2025 20:22

Why is it relevant whether OP is seeing a man or a woman?

In any case, at the very least, their behaviour is beyond annoying and stretching into needy territory. Also careless and thoughtless…especially given your history. Maybe take the foot off the gas for a few days and see how you feel? A bit of space…

Coldnightsapproachingwhereismyduvet · 05/09/2025 19:55

Just stop him staying over.. Simple. No need to end things just yet..

wfhwfh · 05/09/2025 19:54

pinkyredrose · 05/09/2025 19:25

Are you seeing a man or a woman?

I suspect OP is seeing a man. But I don’t think it changes anything if OP is seeing a woman (and whether they are a man or a woman themselves).

Either way, the new partner is equally bad

NeverDropYourMooncup · 05/09/2025 19:53

Sounds like they are jealous - you spent all that time working/caring for your child and then dared to want to go to sleep and not give them all your attention instead.

Whether this is a male or a female partner, you do not want to be lumbered with somebody who, even if they aren't thinking 'ha, ha, let's keep the bitch awake, that'll show her' is thick enough to think that it's their time for attention now and it has absolutely nothing to do with them that you're exhausted.

Dump. Get some sleep.

Namechangedagain999 · 05/09/2025 19:51

never put up with that. Sleep is massively important. Definitely dump him.

Northquit · 05/09/2025 19:36

isitoverreacting · 05/09/2025 18:40

@Youllnevergetabetterbitofbutteronyourknife
other issues are around money, ambition, and although we’re the same age, seem in different places in our lives really.

Bin then off.

Seriously after only a year together they're being a knob.

ScabbyHorse · 05/09/2025 19:35

YANBU. They are thoughtless and/or cruel. If you’re that tired I would tell them not to visit.

Someone2025 · 05/09/2025 19:29

This is why I would never tell new partners that I was in an abusive relationship if I had been, some people just see it as an opportunity to do the same and see you as weak.

pinkyredrose · 05/09/2025 19:25

Are you seeing a man or a woman?

BMW6 · 05/09/2025 19:21

Just tell him that you're really pissed off that he keeps waking you up for no good reason!

Tell him to pack it in or fuck off out of your life. Last warning.

EverybodyLTB · 05/09/2025 19:17

I literally do not understand why this person is in your house? Around your child/ren? Be single and recover from your previous abusive relationship instead of having more toxic shit going on. It’s abusive to wake someone up like that because the intention is then gaslit away and makes you feel like you can’t say anything. Who wakes someone knackered up to tell them about next door? You’ve convinced yourself it’s not malicious, but it’s unlikely. As a bare minimum this person is an idiot.

wfhwfh · 05/09/2025 19:13

isitoverreacting · 05/09/2025 19:08

@Surveille222
this is what annoyed me so much. If it was me in that position, I would read a book, watch telly, go on my phone, anything other than wake the other person up. And I don’t understand why they couldn’t just entertain themselves. But instead, came in, sat on the bed, started nudging at my leg saying “heeeeey…. You okay?” And I just couldn’t believe it.

Then, as we were leaving the house to go out, they said to me “ Are you sure you’re okay to go out today?” So I said, I’m just really really tired because I’ve had no sleep. To which they replied “ Yes, you could really do with an early night” which made my blood boil.

I could understand popping their head in to check where you were. But nudging your leg to ask if you’re ok when you’re clearly sleeping is moronic. At worst, it’s deliberately cruel and, at best, it’s needy and childish. It would be acceptable behaviour for a 5-year old but I would expect a 12-year old to have more emotional intelligence, honestly.

JellyCatOnAHotTinRoof · 05/09/2025 19:11

Don’t tell new partners about previous partner’s abuse tactics. No details are required, just it didn’t work/they weren’t nice.

I don’t think you should have the new partner round on work nights or around your DC yet. Especially if you have a niggling feeling they might be abusive. New relationships are supposed to be fun, this arrangement sounds tedious and unfulfilling.

honeyfox · 05/09/2025 19:09

This would make me very wary, no excuse at all to be waking you up.

I've been with my husband a long time and I don't think he's ever deliberately woken me up (I have trouble getting back to sleep) and he knows not to.