Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Newish relationship - Waking me up.

263 replies

isitoverreacting · 05/09/2025 18:22

I don’t know if I’m overreacting or just hyper aware due to my past relationship.

My ex partner used to deliberately stop me from going to sleep. I’m aware it was one of the abuse tactics used along with many others. At the end of the relationship they admitted that they had done that deliberately because they hated to see me rest.

I’ve been seeing someone for just over a year. They know about this part of my last relationship because I have told them.

The new person I’m seeking is often telling me that I work really hard and that I need more rest and sleep.

A few weeks ago, DC was up in the night so I was up with her and it takes me a long time to get back to sleep. I eventually did. Both me and DC was asleep in her room after being up most of the night.

we finally got to sleep at 7am!
soon after, the person I’m seeing came in the room and nudged me awake saying “heh, you ok?”

I was fuming inside. Thinking “why on earth have you woke me up?!”
then DC also woke up. When this happened my partner stood up and said “I’ll let you go back to sleep then”. I said that’s highly unlikely to happen considering both me and DC were now awake

so I basically explained that I’ve been up all night and that I was in DCs room Trying to get her back to sleep and so that I didn’t disturb my partner. I was annoyed to be woken up for absolutely no reason at all.

Anyway, last week, The person I’m seeing stayed over at my house. I got into bed and explained I’m absolutely exhausted. I’ve been working really long days and I was completely and utterly shattered. So I said I need to go to sleep because I’ve got a banging headache and my eyes are stinging because I’m so exhausted. I fell asleep only to be woken up half an hour later by my partner saying “ I think I can hear someone having sex next door” And laughing about it. Again, I was really annoyed because once I wake up, it takes me about two hours to get back to sleep sometimes

I said there is no chance someone’s having sex next door. And it could be the TV or something. But I don’t see it as a reason to wake me up.

i’m aware that I could be completely overreacting with this and I’m hoping it’s not going to happen again. I’d like to think not because I explained that I really need my sleep and when I’m woken up, I can’t get back to sleep.

I don’t think it’s malicious either. I think it’s just a case of not thinking.

OP posts:
FreebieWallopFridge · 06/09/2025 18:14

“The next time you wake me up for no reason we’re done. I’m not joking and you doing it is that big of a deal. Stop it.”

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 06/09/2025 18:13

isitoverreacting · 05/09/2025 20:51

@whatisheupto
i do think it’s thoughtlessness rather than something malicious or abusive. But it’s still really frustrating.

But you have told them several times and explained in advance about your three day shift and how tired you were... so if its thoughtlessness he must have the thickest of thick skins.

How many other things are you going to have to explain several times to no effect.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 06/09/2025 18:08

OnceIn · 05/09/2025 18:25

I don’t think you are over reacting, he knows your background regarding your ex and is doing the same. I’d sit him down and explain what you have in your op. If he does it again, bin him.

This... Two strikes.. how many more?

BunnyVV · 06/09/2025 17:52

He’s completely oblivious to your needs. It’s not intentional. He obviously has some kind of attention deficit. He has decided to wake you without thinking about the impact or the consequences.

BountifulPantry · 06/09/2025 17:47

Number 1 never ever say to a new partner that you’ve been abused. It will attract people who are abusive . If they ask about previous relationships literally just say you stopped seeing eye to eye so you called it quits.

Number 2 if you’re not comfortable with any behaviour you’re seeing from them then get them out of your life NOW. Your body is telling you something is wrong- listen to it.

littleblackdress26 · 06/09/2025 00:23

Is it just me being overly cautious but I wouldn't let a man that I've been seeing for just over 12 months stay at my home where my children reside .
I think he's using your trauma against you .

Chameleonagain · 06/09/2025 00:16

Besides your previous experience at best he sounds immature, selfish and thoughtless.

WonderingWanda · 05/09/2025 23:41

YANBU at all. It's bloody annoying when someone wakes you and it was especially rude and inconsiderate of your partner to wake you and your dd.

Zonder · 05/09/2025 23:35

Queenofheart · 05/09/2025 21:15

I agree, this pisses me right off 🤬

Show quote history

I think usually it means it's a same sex relationship and they don't want to include that. Interesting that most people are responding about he/him/bloke. Who knows.

Imbusytodaysorry · 05/09/2025 23:32

@isitoverreacting how well do you know this man staying in your home with your dad there and you asleep ? I wouldn’t b buying ear plugs while he was on my kids home .
He need to be told once more not to waken you , if he does end it.

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 05/09/2025 23:29

Tell him to go home and if you are tired or know you will be telling him he can see you but needs to sleep elsewhere ( and why).

Dontlletmedownbruce · 05/09/2025 23:23

People generally presume others are the same as them in terms of eating and sleeping etc. He is probably a light sleeper who wouldn't mind genuinely if you woke them to tell them something silly because he would just fall back to sleep. Waking you in the morning wasnt an awful thing to do. You are putting your bad experiences with an ex onto a new person and that is unfair. For all you know they could have an ex partner who yelled at them for not waking them and thought they were doing the right thing.

I think you need to emphasise very strongly that this is a huge thing for you and you are never ever to be woken. This is a quirk of yours they need to understand and respect going forward, but i do think you overreacted in the examples given, you are only getting to know each other after all.

MonsterBoo · 05/09/2025 23:21

@BatchCookBabe ime of the threads I've seen it's usually because they want to get unbiased opinions as they feel the reactions would be different if it was a woman.

Whomitmayconcern · 05/09/2025 23:19

SunnySideDeepDown · 05/09/2025 18:50

I don’t think this relationship is working. He sounds immature.

In the future, personally, I wouldn’t talk about prior abuse tactics with new partners. You don’t want to scream vulnerable. Abusers often seek out easier to abuse women which past relationships can indicate (not always).

This-sadly it is true

DoctorMarten · 05/09/2025 23:14

Don’t put up with it. He doesn’t care about you and your welfare.

RosesAndHellebores · 05/09/2025 23:12

isitoverreacting · 05/09/2025 18:40

@Youllnevergetabetterbitofbutteronyourknife
other issues are around money, ambition, and although we’re the same age, seem in different places in our lives really.

Chuck them back @isitoverreacting. They aren't going to turn into a Prince or Princess.

justasking111 · 05/09/2025 23:10

Oldraver · 05/09/2025 18:25

I would be telling him...If you wake me up for anything other than the house is on fire...............you will be gone. And mean it

Mine is well trained I'm a snarling tiger if woken

Crazycatladywithnocats · 05/09/2025 23:09

I’ve never heard of sleep deprivation being used as a form of abuse. What a horrible thing to do and how nasty. I’m not surprised you’re worried OP, he’s aware you’re hyper sensitive about this and he should be respectful of that.

BatchCookBabe · 05/09/2025 23:06

MonsterBoo · 05/09/2025 22:58

Why do people keep saying it's a man? The op has deliberately avoided saying man or woman which leads me to believe it's a woman (usually the reason people do this)

Why does the OP not just say so then?

I agree with the posters saying that the constant use of 'they' and 'the person I am seeing' is very jarring, and makes the OP's posts hard work to read. And quite annoying.

All I will say @isitoverreacting is you need to ditch this person, as you have entered into another toxic relationship with someone who is doing the exact same (abusive) thing as your last partner. I also wonder why they were in your child's bedroom at 7am, waking you and your child.

Very odd behaviour from them!

melissa30 · 05/09/2025 23:05

My DH is like this! He just doesn’t think! And they feel the need to have you awake with them, he wakes me up to say he heard a noise. And he knows I get insomnia so badly but we’ve lasted 22 years so far, it normally ends in me telling him in a ratty tone at the time to stop waking me and he stops for a while, communication is key tell him!

MonsterBoo · 05/09/2025 22:58

Why do people keep saying it's a man? The op has deliberately avoided saying man or woman which leads me to believe it's a woman (usually the reason people do this)

financialcareerstuff · 05/09/2025 22:54

My very wonderful DH of seven years did this in our first few months together. He actually woke me in the middle of the night to ask if I wanted a glass of water…. He said the room had got so hot he was worried I’d end up dehydrated….. really????? I couldn’t believe it, because just like you my sleep is precious. He’s the opposite- he falls asleep very easily and always says I can wake him any time, stick the lights/tv on etc…. And genuinely he doesn’t mind. But he knows now that only emergencies are an acceptable reason to intentionally wake me and he respects that.

so OP, be super clear with him. If he respects it from now on, great…. If not, then not acceptable.

Superfoodie123 · 05/09/2025 22:49

You've told him what your ex did now he's doing it too.

He's trying to push your buttons

SomewhatAnnoyed · 05/09/2025 22:38

Is your partner a man or a woman, you haven’t said

Friendlygingercat · 05/09/2025 22:10

I would be telling his "listen this is twice you have woken me up. Next time untess its the three minute warning you are history"

And I would mean it.