Newish relationship - Waking me up.

Checking on her? She was asleep in the bedroom with her child. What was he worried about?!

He was checking on you he was worried. Are you sure you're ready for a relationship. You have to try not to bring your past relationship back up. Are your children your ex's?

Same. It affects how I answer.

Having been in an abusive relationship myself in the past, I know that I personally struggled once I got into my next relationship to really be clear in my communication and assertive on my boundaries. I'd often keep annoyance / upset to myself, downplay it, or just be kind of vague / non-confrontational.

Is there any chance this is happening?

In your shoes, I'd take your partner aside and ask why they think it's ok to wake you up. Genuinely listen to what they say.

Then explain really assertively and clearly that you do not ever want to be woken up again for any reason that isn't a life or death emergency.

You don't need to qualify it by re-explaining that this is a trigger point for you, and why, but you can if you want to. I disagree with the few posters who have said you shouldn't tell a new partner about abuse triggers. It's your experience, you can tell a partner if and when you trust them, and that's up to you to decide. And it's also a good way of seeing whether someone is able to be mature, kind and sensitive, and consider your triggers.

They sound immature and needy, but it could also be that you are seething on the inside and not really being direct or clear in laying down your boundaries?

It's not thoughtlessness. It's a deliberate way of assessing how much you can take. Narcissistics do that all the time and usually choose something that wouldn't be seen as abuse. So when you react to their behaviour, they can call you "crazy", "over reacting".

Then you start doubting yourself, considering if you are the problem. They love bomb you, act as the best partner ever and you convinced yourself that you did overreacted, that you might be the problem. They were just "thoughtless"....

They repeat the cycle so many times and each time, use the past experiences to "prove" that you are the problem. At this point you are stuck in a cycle of guilt, gaslighting, self doubting, etc.

If they had woken you up once, I would say it was without malice, but so many times is 100% malicious.

Exactly this. I would cool right off and if they chase then tell them why.

i would dump someone for this.

You can’t imagine how unpleasant I can get if I don’t get enough sleep. A really filthy temper.

So I’d have given OPs friend the following warning: One more time you try this on right then you’re out. Get it?

So it’s happened more than once and you are wondering if you are unreasonable. It’s not going to get any better - when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
They also woke up your child. Just what your child needs, a parents partner who is an arse.

Please get rid of that dumb fucker. Life too short

Has he ever done anything else unkind? I’d be thinking of splitting up with him over this.

At the very best they are thoughtless. At worst, they are doing this because they know it's upsetting to you. Neither are attractive traits in a new partner.

I think deep down you know the answer here.

100%

Michael McIntyre once said you should only wake a woman up for two reasons. 1 a celebrity is dead and 2 it’s snowing! Agree with him. After 20 odd years together my DH would know he’s dancing with danger if he wakes me up. Be clear to your new partner. He just might not get it.

Never tell a partner about previous abuse. And when you have to explain basics about needing sleep, they’ve got to go.

YABU. It’s not unreasonable to wake someone up at 7 in the morning and see if they’re ok.

YANBU. It is unreasonable to wake someone up and tell them the neighbours may be having sex.

Finally, the person doing the waking is probably a woman given the way the post is written, so the MN man-haters might want to change their responses.

Maybe he wants sex which isn’t nice to think about. I hate being woken up too. Be clear with him it’s not to happen again. He should want you to rest when you need it. He should protect your peace.

People who can go to sleep at the drop off a hat don't realise that other people have issues. Empathy is not automatic if they haven't gone through the experience them self.
I think clear communication is essential here, I know it's extra effort when someone doesn't get it, but that's the solution.
If it turns out to be too much effort overall with all the different things then the relationship isn't for you.

This is weird, it's almost as if you've told him about the ex and it's stuck in his head. Like saying to a toddler don't press that big red button then nipping to get treats.... he's the type that has to keep pressing the dam button.

Imo not looking good

Even if they didn’t know your history it’s really inconsiderate to wake someone up for no reason. I don’t think a normal rational person would wake someone up for a trivial conversation when that person has already told them that they are exhausted and have a headache. At minimum they are inconsiderate and needy.

The only thing is she may not hear her child if she needs her

It sounds to me as though you have fallen into a relationship with another needy, abusive partner. He/she knows what your triggers are, knows your background, and is ignoring what you have asked of them.

I’m afraid that if you aren’t prepared to bin them then you need to tell him/her(?) that staying over is no longer possible and stick to date nights.

This partner doesn't sound very bright.

Throw them back and focus on resting/recovering from your previous relationship.

I'm like you about sleep and if someone did this to me after I told them not to I would not be able to get over it. I would never sleep again with them in the house because I would be expecting it to happen at any time. Genuinely would ruin my sleep permanently.

Trust your gut feeling.