Sick Husband - Unfriendly Friends

It's sad but it does happen. You have every right to feel livid and sad.

My son is ill and I learnt very quickly that some people can't do illness, some are unkind, some ignore and some blame. My own mother was the worst offender.

But there's also the amazing ones who support you and hold you up. There are few in numbers but they are special.

Wow, what uncaring people. Sadly OP, you’ve found out who your real friends are, and it’s not them. Wishing your DH back to good health soon.

Stop blaming the recipient of the behaviour.

I understand you want to feel like cleverer people can protect themselves from this but they can't, because often the people who do it have no idea they will react as they do until a situation happens.

Unfortunately it's a known phenomenon, it's hurtful when it happens, and blaming the OP isn't fair.

This sounds so, so hurtful and there are obviously some who are just shits. But have others definitely "dumped" you? Could it be that they're just not in a position to offer any kind of ongoing support and can't really see what they can do if they can't offer this? Due to chronic health conditions I'm not in a position to be able to offer much support to my friends myself - it takes all my energy just to make it to the pub for a few hours every month. Phone calls are way beyond my limits as are house visits if I can't sit down and drink alcohol which I need for pain management etc. Obviously most of your friends are not in this situation if they're out holidaying and partying regularly but they still may not feel they're able to offer what you might need and might be at a loss to know what they could do instead? I would be unsure if sending a lot of "just checking in" texts would be a nuisance in these circumstances if I couldn't offer anything more. Most of my friends have had no idea how ill I've been most of my life. It took me decades to get diagnoses so have only been able to start explaining in the last few years. Again, I realise most of your friends won't be in this kind of situation but many may still be so tied up with their own problems (the full extent of which they may not have shared), that they may not be able to step up. For some at least it may not be that they just don't want to or can't be bothered. What kind of help and support had you expected can I ask?

I’m sorry op, that’s shit. Unfortunately, there are plenty of people who just….aren't very nice? And I do hate the “well you chose them as friends, so you must have noticed this before” rubbish! Because, no, no you often don’t! When all is well, you are self reliant, happy to help out others, don’t actually need anything, everything is rosy, there is nothing to see. It is only when the shit hits the fan that these people sometimes reveal their true colours.
My only caveat to that is, when I’ve witnessed them doing it to others in the group, I do take note and distance myself. One husband in our circle legged it and left his wife extremely high and dry, financially. A “friend” in our group stopped inviting her to our regular dinners that we held in our homes because “she would no longer be able to reciprocate with the same quality of food and wine, so it’s a waste. I’m not giving her Chablis to go to her house and drink crap Pinot” were her exact words. I was agog! Horrible woman, so we’ve got rid of her and still support and see the other friend.
Wishing your DH a speedy recovery xx

I am so sorry for you and your husband. These people are horrible. I have no real advice but am just offering a hand hold and will keep you both in my thoughts and wishes.

I hope that DH is making a recovery and that you find your strength to come through this upset. It is a very harsh way to learn who are fair weather friends, and I’ve learned that in the past too.

Dh and I have retained some of these relationships with what perhaps would have been historically called acquaintances - if we/they are in the neighbourhood we can have a meal, drink, coffee, and check in on life news, or go to big milestone birthdays, but there’s no deep and meaningfuls. We’ve also cooled contact with a number due to rather toxic behaviours and us being the default fixit couple (the default ‘hotel’, ‘just helping’ pay for taxis, etc). Recent illnesses for us both reinforced this too.

Yes.

I’m sorry.

i had an accident eleven years ago and I use a wheelchair as a result.

you really do find out who your friends are as a result. I have an almost entirely new group of friends these days.

I completely understand how you feel and I’m sorry that he’s not been well.

I’m in my 20s and was quite successful in my career. I had a lot of close friends around me, mainly those who I met via work/previous jobs. As in, people who would say they’re my work-mum or work-dad, would celebrate big events with me, we’d confide in each other about everything.

Then I suffered with my health after being bullied at work, which threw my life off track temporarily until I left that job. The amount of “close” friends who distanced themselves from me when I was going through a hard time was shocking. Particularly those who are older than me/less successful than I was. I didn’t realise I had so many fair weather friends, it’s not like they particularly had all their ducks in a row themselves - so I just thought certain people would have been more understanding as opposed to vapid. The most supportive people I found, were those my own age like school friends.

I now realise that those people who distanced themselves, were likely more interested in what I could do for them as opposed to me as a person. I definitely will just stick my proper friends in future, and not bother cultivating friendships with people who realistically have no longevity in my life.

OP wishing you DH gets well soon 💐

Remind the behaviour of these "friends" and match energy - do not do a thing they won't do for you now.

They will all come back shamelessly when DH is better and expect you to do things for them and use you. Remember this time, how they are behaving now and do not do a thing for them.

I would focus on the lovely neighbours, true friends. Honestly this experience is a blessing you know who the users are and they have taken themselves out with the rubbish.

Focus now on making new friends (if you want) who want to be friends with you and your DH for who you are - not selfish users who only exoect to be subbed on holiday or ask you to help move house etc but dont help back in times of need. Match energy.

They weren’t friends. They were acquaintances and hangers on. It’s as simple as that really. Perhaps you need to be better judges of character in the future or maybe shift your values to attract other less flaky friends with better values. It takes these kind of life altering events to bring these things to light sometimes.

Send them each a hand written letter explaining exactly what you have said here. Put the ball back into their court and let them ponder on it. You will feel so much lighter. If still no sight of them then they were not true friends in the first place. Take care of each other. X

I'm sorry, they sound like terrible friends 😔

Well unless they had a total personality change thry must have been like this before, but it sounds like you were buying their affection by paying for things in the first place, think back were they real friends before or did you not notice it, how did they treat others before?

its things like this that help sort the wheat from the chaf! Treasure the real friends and Chuck away the rubbish ones. I could forgive the rubbish friends who had their own serious issues going on but sod the others

My parents had a serious accident and it’s what my Dad has struggled with the most is the fact all the “friends” they’ve helped over the years , all the favours he’s done for people , all the support they’ve given to the very people who have deserted them when they needed a bit of support back . They have no one now coz as soon as they didn’t have a caravan for them to use , My Dad wasn’t able to fix bikes or My mum wasn’t needed once the one friend recovered from her dv rship then lost weight and thought she was better than my Mum coz my Mum suffered with her mental health after the accident .

Now no one visits , or rings them anymore . It’s awful just how rubbish people are these days . There’s no loyalty or interest from some people they are only interested in themselves sadly and their own needs .

I mean, they sound like shit friends. I’m so sorry. Thinking of you and your husband x

she's great, thank you. I hope you are too. I remember her saying that couple friends stopped including her & many female friends saw her as some kind of threat which was bewildering to her.

And how's your aunt doing now? Ya, it does seem to be a thing alright. They get confused what to do, disappear and discuss what's happening with other people instead!!

@TeaBiscuitsNaptime my aunt divorced in the 90s and lost so many friends.

Ya, I think it's if you go through a difficult time in general. I lost friends when I got divorced and became a single mom. When friends thought we were happily married and having our first kid, they were lovely. When we split up, they disappeared as the months went on. It does teach you a lot though. You could find yourself making better friends and having a healthier outlook on life. Change isn't necessarily bad. I'm glad your husband is recovering and on the mend 💗

And normally the ones who fall apart with their own crisis and lean on you are the worse for not offering support back.

I've seen this play out. Some people can't cope with illness/death so hide from you, some think it's catching & some just don't want it to disrupt their life. Awful for you OP but not uncommon.

I hope your husband makes a speedy recovery and you build even better friendships with the people who have been there for you. Personally I would say something to the horrible twats even if it was just I'm utterly disappointed with your behaviour since XXX became ill. We considered you friends but times like they show you who your real friends are and you're not them.

A lesson learnt OP, in a brutal way.
Please try not to let this take up any headspace. You have enough to deal with. I wish your partner a steady recovery