Sick Husband - Unfriendly Friends

Sorry for your trouble this all sounds incredibly hard. Situations like this are a good opportunity to find out who your real friends are.

It’s not blaming the OP to point out that, from what she says in her OP, she and her DH positioned themselves as the helpers/‘rescuers’ of the friendship group, routinely paying shortfalls on holidays, helping with house renovations etc and that this almost certainly contributed to the unequal ‘rescuer/rescuee’ dynamic that has seen them shed friends when they could no longer fulfil the rescuer/‘Fixit’ role.

Obviously, everyone helps their friends from time to time, but if that’s literally how you position yourself in all your friendships, and you are doing an awful lot of ‘helping’, with it being generally one way, then I think you need to ask yourself if you are choosing needy, unfortunate or helpless people as friends precisely so that you can perform the helper role because, for whatever reason, it suits you. Either way, a ‘rescuer/rescuee’ dynamic distorts relationships, which crumble when the table is turned.

It doesn’t necessarily make it feel any more devastating, but it might give the OP a sense of having more agency at a difficult time, and to be aware of it in future friendships, once her husband has fully recovered. Best wishes to them both.

What the heck? Who need enemies with friends like that? And they had the brass neck to say those actual words?

Drop them all like they've dropped you.

Biggest lesson I ever learned is actions speaker louder than words always. If they dont step up in times of need, they are not good friends.

when my dm was widowed her friends, all couples, fell away so quickly
people are rubbish

Often people who are kind and generous assume everyone is like them. It takes a horrible experience like this to bring it home that it's not necessarily true.

When my Dad fell terminally ill, I was virtually left alone apart from DH and my DC who propped me up through it. I no longer devote energy to people who just take. And frankly wish I'd done so years ago. It's very upsetting to realise that people whose company you'd valued could behave so badly though. It's almost like a form of grief, for the support you thought you had but never did.

People in general are not nice, but we dont get to see it until something like this happens. My husband not only experienced this after an accident, but also a few years before the accident when he retired from a trade and ditched his tools. As soon as he wasn't on tap to fix things, people he'd had as friends for years even stopped saying hello as they passed in the street.

He broke his neck in an accident, and people who he knew for years and played sports with just stopped all contact too.

Generally, I think many people are only looking for something in return. When they know that 'something' no longer exists, they drop you and get it elsewhere. Brutal, but I think until something like this happens, many people would swear they wouldn't be like that, but then the excuses come out thick and fast, and before they know it, they're guilty of it.

I’ve been on threads like this before. DH was very unwell in hospital a few years ago, several of his friends ran, never to be heard of again.
I had a friend who kept pretending he wasn't ill, and that her husband was actually unwell (he was fine) and she kept trying me to babysit her children. I don’t see her now.

This is shocking!! 😱 x

Good point. And sometimes users aren’t obvious at first, though they’re certainly obvious to OP now.

I’m sorry this has happened, OP, and I understand that you still miss some of those fair weather friends. I hope life soon improves for DH and you.

I’m so sorry to hear this. It does amaze me how awful some people can be, truly! In some ways, it sounds like a blessing, as now you can stop wasting time with people who were never truly friends. It must be hard to find out, but at least you know now. Life will be better moving forward. Imagine wasting another 1, 5, 10+ years being friends with these people! I hope your husband makes a full recovery quickly x

People are just nasty. I’ve gone through the same myself. I have only one good friend left now who checks in on me and wants to socialise with us both. People also don’t even say how are you ? which is a normal standard question to ask because I suppose they fear they’ll get me going off on about everything. So I just smile and wave if I do get asked and say we are all fine thank you, even though we are not.

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. It sadly seems to be a normal thing to happen. I know now if the shoe was on the other foot definitely I will do the same.

@Doingthegraft. I hate to say this, but you need these people but they only needed a one way friendship. You subbed them and helped them and they took from you. They are not giving back. I know exactly what you mean! We had an other thread recently about one way friendships. We’ve taken a step back from hosting “friends” as a result. We would never ever sub anyone on a holiday.

Someone who has lost a husband early is probably still raw and knows what’s best for her but it’s still somewhat mean. People are though. Mean spirited. As your DH recovers, make an effort to be friendly to your friends who have not dumped you and make sure you two enjoy your own company. Plan a great holiday for you two. You now know who your real friends are and I think you accept a reduced circle of friends and, in the end, that’s a blessing. You will be valued.

I'm so sorry and I hope your husband can go on to make a full recovery.

I experienced something similar when my son was diagnosed with cancer last year. It's really hurtful, especially when you think you are really close to someone.

I did have a friend where both her husbands parents died in the same month and then he got cancer, I was in my 20's. She would write me huge e mails telling me about it. I couldn't cope with it due to things going on in my life. I stopped speaking to her, looking back it was the wrong move but I just couldn't cope with so much sadness being shared.

I think the saying friends for a reason, friends for a season, and friends for a lifetime applies here. A lot of those friends probably thought of you as a social friend and it’s the same when you move house, they just fall away.
It sounds like you’ve been a true friend to a lot of people, but they didn’t think the same way about you. I would be angry too, but the energy you have put into the world is really positive, and you have been a force for good things in a lot of people’s lives. Don’t let this make you a different person, you sound really lovely and interesting.

I had an aunty who had many friends, a lot from her church, who she did all sorts of things with until she had a stroke. She had to move into a nursing home because she was unable to live independently and only one friend visited her. This lady visited every week, faithfully but she was the only one. My poor aunty was devastated. Family visited regularly but her friends absence weighed very heavily. I hope your husband recovers well OP and be comforted by your true friends.

Same happened in my divorce, dropped instantly as people didn't want to be around someone so sad. 3 years on and we still don't speak.

That is life I am afraid. At least you still have some supportive friends and family. It's the same after bereavement; people turn up to the funeral. offer help and condolences and then disappear. They just pay lip service.

Then there are people who genuinely cannot cope with illness, it makes them ill. They can't help that and it does actually bother them but because they don't communicate well, you don't realise. You can do nothing about that, you can't help them because you have your own problems.

It's best to be independent, go it alone. If you have no expectations you won't be disappointed.

I am very sorry about your husband and hope things improve for you.

Hope you husband recovers quickly now.

When my DH died, I was completely surprised by how unsupportive some friends were. Even those I’d been friends with for decades.🤷‍♀️

I found out who my true friends were.

The rest were cut out of my life.

Illness and incapacity are a sure bet to determine who your true friends are! Been there, done that, still wearing the tee shirt! All but my OH and one lovely friend completely disregarded me when I became ill and disabled.

I am truly sorry OP, that you and your DH are going through this ……. Sending virtual hugs, love and support 💐💐

They sound like awful people. I’m so sorry that you had to go through this on top of your DH’s health issues.
I hope he recovers and you can move on and make new friends.

I hope your husband makes a full recovery. So sorry you are being treated like this. It sounds like you have been very generous givers and attracted a social circle of real takers. No more.

Like you, I do understand the friend who can't face any more sickness after her own husband's death. It's very sad and hard for you but I know other people who can't help reacting that way.

But the rest have no excuse. They've shown you what their priorities and principles are. Make new, kinder friends.

My husband suffered a life changing event last year and he is very different and hasota of challenges. My friends without fail stepped up. I'm so sorry you have this cope with on top of his illness. They are not your friends. Do a bit of emotional weeding out. Get rid of those who are not real friends , you don't need them

Unfortunately this is so true. We really only get a few true friends in life. Most people in our lives are really just long time acquaintances