Sick Husband - Unfriendly Friends

@user9064385631 I do understand perfectly. I’m not saying people we know need friends to be carers but friendship is difficult to keep going when friend cannot go to a pub or do anything due to long lasting health issues. No conversation either so it’s very difficult to maintain a friendship. Anyway, I hope everyone on the thread who wants to see friends manages to see them.

Sadly I think this can happen more than we expect.
My Dad died a few months ago and some of my parents close friends seemed to disappear, didn't visit him when he was ill and very linited contact with Mum checking how she has been after. But most went to the funeral. Makes you wonder if they did this out of obligation/to save face or actually did care.
I hope your husband makes a full recovery

It really is times like this that you find out who your REAL friends are 🥰🥰

I think you’ve missed the point. I don’t think the OP, or any of the others of us on this thread are asking or expecting friends to be carers! We’re just sad that people we thought were friends disappear because of illness. We are only in our 40’s but DH has about the mobility of an 80yr old on his bad days. It’s hard, really hard, even more so when everyone that you thought cared about you obviously doesn’t. We’re not asking for anything, only friendship. It’s different to old people insisting on living in a townhouse with 10 sets of stairs, or a big remote house with an unmanageable garden for instance and making that other peoples problems.
DH just wants someone to say do you fancy a pint, or would you like to come to the rugby…but they don’t ask anymore.

Sounds incredibly hurtful but you are better off without these horrible people. If other friends have stuck around treasure these relationships instead.

@TizerorFizz the OP makes it clear that she is not expecting people to help out and refers to people dropping them socially. I have not seen OP mention struggling with chores let alone telling people so. But even then, it’s not her responsibility if people then feel obligated to help. She has enough on her plate without having to managed the thought process of other people.

@AllthingsI think the op wants friendship but when people struggle with chores it gets very difficult if they tell you it’s a struggle!

This is horrendous.!no know some people quietly slope off, but say outright such horrible things… I can’t get my head around that. Sorry and I hope your husband makes a full recovery

It is awful, and the ones who said “it isn’t glamorous” are terrible people and you are well rid of them.

I wonder if any of the “ghosting” friendships can be salvaged? You obviously liked them once. Maybe some of these people assume you have your plate full and they don’t want to intrude/overstep? I wouldn’t offer to get a friend’s shopping or drop food round unless they asked me (because I wouldn’t want that myself, but I would send flowers or take a care package round or something) but if you invite them round do they say no? If you ask them explicitly to do something helpful do they refuse?

If you’ve tried that and had no luck, then yes you just have some really awful friends. But you might have a mix of terrible friends (the ones who have openly told you they don’t want to know), and useless/awkward friends who just need to be told what you need from them. Might be worth a try anyway.

@TizerorFizz I don’t think that there is the expectation for people to provide caring or household duties, just to be friends and not treat them any differently due to illness.

@Doingthegraft Well that’s much better news! I think you do need to recognise people are busy with their own lives and cannot all come and do the garden though .

We have friends in a slightly different position in that it’s a long term disability but, they have plenty of money to get help. They refuse. We are over 70, as are other friends, and have our own gardens, families etc. We don’t understand why they won’t pay for any help (they have the money!) and neither does anyone else. Friends can help in some ways but not everything. We do have them over to us and continue to chat regularly but they don’t seem to recognise they need to change how they live. So please consider how you will manage in the future if your DH continues to have health problems. Hopefully he will recover but it’s hard for friends to be carers.

@Doingthegraft its amazing how some people can step up in most unexpected ways. I am so pleased to hear about the unexpected support over the weekend. It sounds like not only was the visit was practical but such a boost as well.

Yep, it pays to learn early on that everything is transactional, like a PP parents, we were the ones bankrupt losing our home, people fell away rapidly, it goes to show that people like to be around folk that will give them something be it status or something more tangible, as soon as your usefulness dwindles so do they. Fuck the bastards, and learn from it, only give if you are getting something back, it's the way of most folk, sad but true.

Yes, my Mum and Dad had the same when my Mum was terminally ill. Some friends that she had given so much too were nowhere to be found. But, some friends really stepped up, and have continued to be friends with my Dad many years later, after her death, even when they were more my Mum’s friend than couple friends. He really values those people. I hope you have a few of the good ones x

That sounds so hurtful OP, that saying springs to mind “when people show you who they are , believe them “ . I often think that when push comes to shove most ppl only really care about their own families or themselves!

I am so sorry you are having this. How horrible of them

Not real friends, sadly. Even so, it still stings when you lose them.

Yes Ive had the same. I have stage 4 cancer and even tho I feel well, many have gone.
What disapponted me the most were my in laws. MIL decided she was protecting my privacy which meant she ceased contact. My SIL is nearly the same way but she will reply to the odd text. A friend refused to see me as she said my cancer disturbed her. Another friend dis invited me from a get together because I would 'frighten' her friend who had primary cancer.
I dont spend time thinking about why they are like this but it just shows their true colours

Church 'friends' can be the worst. Really close knit as long as you are in on the rota of church activities. the minute you are out, for whatever reason, you are invisible.

I honestly think most people don’t have much to give, outside of immediate family, and really only socialise for light relief/entertainment/ to benefit their mental health.

You have been through a lot, coping with such serious illness and all the stress that brings, then dealing with selfish thoughtless people.
But for me the worst times bring out the good people. I’ve recently had an op, friends have been thoughtful and kind.

after a previous experience with bad health I stopped seeing people who I realised weren’t friends at all.
you’ve got good neighbours and you say, some good friends. So appreciate and hopefully get a bit closer to them.
but I hear it’s tough.

"Well, (name of illness) isn't exactly glamorous, is it? I can't be around that"

My jaw hit the floor at this. I can't believe anyone could admit to themselves they're thinking this let alone say it aloud. OP there must have been signs these were the kinds of people they were?

Anyhow, I hope your partner makes a good recovery

That's awful OP, they're not friends I'd be worried about losing.

Having seen a couple of other friends go through this with their partners after accidents or illness I had seen before that some people do drop you socially, either because they are uncomfortable with illness or because you just can't be as useful to them anymore, but I have been completely floored by how brutal this has been in our case.

I can accept that people can be uncomfortable around certain illnesses. I know someone who lost their partner, and not long after had to take a step back from a friend who'd been diagnosed with the same terminal illness. They were just emotionally spent and not mentally strong enough to be around it again so soon. Their friend was devastated. Very difficult situation.

Obviously some of your so-called friends have said some awful things, but is it possible that others might simply not know how to approach the situation? My partner was quite seriously ill some time ago and as he was off work and not able to do the mostly physical hobbies he enjoyed, a few of his mates assumed he wasn't capable of doing anything. They didn't really know how to reach out for fear of upsetting him.

I hope your partner has a full recovery.

It’s awful, isn’t it? Sadly its frequently all too common and as more time goes on, more will likely drop off…I speak from experience.