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Original poster

Should I wish my ex a happy birthday via text??

35 replies

Pinkfuzzyoctopus · 05/09/2025 16:37

Hi guys,
I broke up with my long term partner three years ago. It was not an amicable split. He was a narcissist. He was a master gaslighter and controlled me. He had two affairs. He would call me awful names, tell me I was worthless, convince me I had said things when I hadn’t, make me cry and laugh and walk away, shout at me in front of the kids, the list goes on! I tried to stay friends with him but he remained verbally abusive and sent awful texts to me. It’s his birthday soon. I have sorted things for the kids to give him, I haven’t bought him a card but should I send him a text wishing him happy birthday? I really don’t want to but I don’t want to seem like a bitch. Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
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Original poster
Pinkfuzzyoctopus · 05/09/2025 17:35

whistlesandbells · 05/09/2025 17:33

I read the first 3 sentences and it’s a HARD no! He is still in your head OP!

You’re absolutely right. I am looking to go to counselling. I’m stuck in a cycle and I’m finding it hard to break it. Years of control and verbal abuse are just etched into me and I need to learn to let it go.

OP posts:
whistlesandbells · 05/09/2025 17:33

I read the first 3 sentences and it’s a HARD no! He is still in your head OP!

Zanatdy · 05/09/2025 17:29

Absolutely not

MyElatedUmberFinch · 05/09/2025 17:29

No.

SiameseBlueEyes · 05/09/2025 17:27

Of course you shouldn't send him a birthday text.

Thingyfanding · 05/09/2025 17:24

As long as the children have something to give him, that is more than enough. I personally wouldn’t unless you happen to see him on the day, I might say it in person. I definitely wouldn’t bother with a text.

Tablesandchairs23 · 05/09/2025 17:20

Absolutely not just buy from the kids.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 05/09/2025 17:07

Absolutely not. He doesn’t deserve it. Stop pandering to this awful man. Have the necessary contact for the sake of the kids, but keep all communication polite but formal. Stop chasing after him. I don’t mean that to suggest you want him back, but to mean stop instigating unnecessary contact and trying to be nice. I understand the motivation to try to create a better co parenting relationship, but it’s just not possible with someone like this. Stay unemotional and uninvolved, and keep all communication minimal and necessary. Every little thing you do to try to be nice is only serving to feed his ego and keep him thinking he has the upper hand.

Londonrach1 · 05/09/2025 17:02

No

Motherofalittledragon · 05/09/2025 17:02

Christ NO

BlondieMuver · 05/09/2025 17:01

No

YetanotherNC25 · 05/09/2025 17:00

Nope. Don’t give him any more power.
I get on well with my ex but I don’t do that. The kids are bought presents and cards to give him. He never acknowledges my birthday and stopped buying presents for the DC’s to give me a while ago. Neither of us are bothered.

Original poster
Pinkfuzzyoctopus · 05/09/2025 16:57

Thanks everyone, you have been very supportive and helped me make my decision ❤️

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 05/09/2025 16:55

No. Have no contact outside what is necessary for co-parenting through one of the court approved apps.

Original poster
Pinkfuzzyoctopus · 05/09/2025 16:54

SandrenaIsMyBloodType · 05/09/2025 16:49

Not only should you NOT wish him a happy birthday, you should spend time carefully examining why you are considering it. Have you had any therapy to work through your feelings about this relationship? Is he something of an unhealthy addiction for you? Is there a part of you that would rather receive negative contact from him than no contact at all? It is hard to disengage from an abusive relationship and it sounds as though you may be struggling.

I am struggling I won’t lie. I am going to look at counselling. I have hated being in touch with him but I try to keep the peace, I have always done this to avoid confrontation and conflict. If he texts I text back as I don’t want to get an abusive text asking why I’m ignoring him. Breaking the cycle is difficult. I know I will get over the hurt one day but getting there is difficult.

OP posts:
CloseThatDoor · 05/09/2025 16:54

God, no!

CaroleLandis · 05/09/2025 16:53

What have you done the previous last few years?

Just get a card from the children unless they are old enough to get him a car themselves.

SandrenaIsMyBloodType · 05/09/2025 16:49

Not only should you NOT wish him a happy birthday, you should spend time carefully examining why you are considering it. Have you had any therapy to work through your feelings about this relationship? Is he something of an unhealthy addiction for you? Is there a part of you that would rather receive negative contact from him than no contact at all? It is hard to disengage from an abusive relationship and it sounds as though you may be struggling.

Original poster
Pinkfuzzyoctopus · 05/09/2025 16:49

MonsterBoo · 05/09/2025 16:40

What have you done for the past 3 years?

Cards but he has started with the abusive messages again so cards are stopping. I tried to remain friendly for the kids but he has made it impossible

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkfuzzyoctopus · 05/09/2025 16:47

Lifejigsaw · 05/09/2025 16:42

Does he message you on your birthday?

We used to buy each other a card. His birthday is before mine so this is going to set the standard if I withdraw from the card and text.

OP posts:
crazeekat · 05/09/2025 16:43

And when u are giving a present from the kids, buy nothing. Have them make something personal like a card or a picture or something, don’t spend a penny on him.

LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog · 05/09/2025 16:42

Pinkfuzzyoctopus · 05/09/2025 16:40

For years I have been a people pleaser because it keeps the peace. I try to avoid conflict and I worry he will start an argument if I don’t wish him a happy birthday. He still tries to control me.

Show quote history

You just need to grey rock him about anything personal.

He can't start an argument if you're not listening.

If he says anything about the kids, respond in a factual way, anything else just ignore.

SpiralSpiritSocks · 05/09/2025 16:42

He still tries to control me.

In which case now seems like an excellent time to set boundaries.

Lifejigsaw · 05/09/2025 16:42

Does he message you on your birthday?

12cheese · 05/09/2025 16:41

"I tried to stay friends with him but he remained verbally abusive and sent awful texts to me."

Re-read this to yourself when you need confirmation that you aren't a bitch by not sending a happy birthday message!! Some people aren't worth the headspace. If the kids are sorted with something that's sufficient.

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