AIBU to be angry that my husband threw out a bunch of my things?

You don’t feel you can go against him?! What the fuck? Stand up for your children. And yourself.

Is this the prick that emptied your bookcase?? And then lied???

*Oh my god. And he beats them.

Why, why, why are you standing by while he abuses your children??? And you?

Anyway my husband is angry at them about 95% of the time. He shouts constantly shouting at them to shut up, calling our daughter a btch and our sons brats. He says they're selfish animals whose behaviour is disgusting and that he's sick of them all. He keeps saying they ruin every trip out and every holiday. And this morning my oldest son and my daughter said their dad hit my slapped my daughter on the face and shoved her*

I won't be looking at your old posts because that it not what you are asking advice for @Booklovingmummy
Does he think that the house is cluttered? Is he tripping over 8 pairs of shoes when he walks in the door? Are dc toys in their room or strewn around the floor downstairs?
Does he take presents gifted from others to you and dc?
Has he accused you of spending too much or costing him too much?

On one end of the scale he could be frustrated at 'amount of stuff' or
at the other end he could be a monster who relishes in making his family unhappy and relying/pandering to him being in a good mood to have a peaceful life.

If it is the latter then how can we help or support you and your dc getting away from him @Booklovingmummy ?

Do you also hit your children, like OP's partner does?

And do you just throw things out without any discussion?

Because if yes to both, I would say that you are abusive.

My husband is like this, collects tat. He had a bag for life full of cables when we moved house, I said can we throw it it's been in the back of the cupboard for years and I'm pretty sure the electronics these came from don't exist anymore in any capacity. He said no they might come in handy, so when we moved I put them in the back of a cupboard, a year later I came across them and threw them away, he hadn't touched them. That was nearly 8 years ago and he hasn't even noticed.

The issue isn't about throwing things away it's about hitting your children!
I decluttered DS' wardrobe last week, I didn't ask him for permission. I charity shopped or gave away the things that don't fit him any more and the really tatty stuff went in the salvation army rag bin.

Have either of you asked the other one to stop? If not, then it’s a different situation.

I agree that there’s other stuff wrong in their relationship. However, even if there weren’t, it wouldn’t be acceptable for him to keep throwing out her stuff when she’s asked him not to.

I throw out my husbands stuff because I do the majority of the cleaning, I'm not abusive in any way 🙄
He would keep every bit of clothing he has even bought, every tool, free gift, bit of shit that has ever come into his life if it was his choice.
Is your husband the main person to do the tidying/sorting?

FYI my sisters partner just went in a full on mood with her because she threw out a broken torch that has been in the drawer 2 years, she's also not abusive, just trying to keep ontop of the house.

So he IS an abuser.
Poor children.

I don’t know about consent 😂 I do it and then inform him haha but yes, I think reading some of the other replies there are some bits that don’t sit right in this relationship

That’s different, though. You both consent to it. OP has asked him to stop.

Why are you with this man?

Yes I feel the same and posted similar but it looks like OP’s husband isn’t just doing it to declutter and it does sound like his behaviour is abusive.

Why do men insist on keeping stained clothes with holes in though?! No one can blame us for chucking out rubbish.

I think what makes the difference is that we aren’t doing it with bad intentions and it sounds like OP needs to reevaluate her marriage because this is one of many issues.

I’d be annoyed as well. To my husband, they’re just things. To me, there’s an emotional attachment and I have to decide whether I want to hang onto them or not. Makes decluttering a lot harder!

Just to follow on from my pp I do agree with comments that this behaviour is abusive and I don’t want to excuse or minimise what your husband is doing if he’s throwing away things you actually value.
I was giving my opinion from being on the other side of this in case it helps, now I’ve seen your update I definitely don’t think you are BU.

My DP is fully aware that I do clear outs and he knows I’d never throw away anything he values. He trusts me to get rid of things we don’t need and he knows he’s a bit of a hoarder.

Have you expressively told your husband how much this upsets you and your children? If you have and he doesn’t listen then I’d be looking closely at your marriage because this won’t be his only controlling behaviour.

Is he still hitting the children @Booklovingmummy

Hmmm. I regularly throw away DPs clothes, things he’s not worn in years, things with holes or stains on them. He’s not got the brain capacity to sort through his own tatt so it really builds up. He does it with the kids toys, but that’s because I don’t have the brain capacity for that. I’ve never seen myself or him as controlling in those situations. It’s done with the intention of decluttering and not telling someone what they’re allowed to own.

Have you asked him why he does it? And, more importantly, why his opinion on what does and doesn't belong in the family home matters more than anyone else's?

It depends on what he’s thrown away really.

I sometimes have to sneakily throw away some of my DP’s things but if not he’d become a bit of a hoarder.

Last month I threw or gave away some of his old clothes, it was mostly boxer shorts and some old trainers and t-shirts. He had bought lots of new things for a holiday and we just don’t have the storage space. They were over 10 years old and he hadn’t worn them for a long time and they didn’t fit or were tatty.

Other things I’ve had to discreetly give away or get rid of in the last few weeks include:
Some dog toys that someone had brought into his work months ago and he’d taken off their hands in case we (or someone else he knows) got a dog. We will never be able to have a dog!

A stack of about 50 lottery tickets that he’d already checked but insisted needed checking again one day.

Some ancient lighters when neither of us smoke and I have multiple long lighters for candles.

About 15 GU glass dessert ramekins - we still have about 6 left for if I make Creme Brûlée but he’d have just kept collecting them.

Empty aftershave bottles.

5 wooden chopping boards (when we have multiple others) that were given to his work as a promotion.

A broken foot spa that had been in the cupboard for 5 years given to him by an old neighbour.

Old Fitbit straps when he swapped his Fitbit for an Apple Watch 3 years ago and old phone cases for his previous phones that don’t fit his current one.

He has a terrible habit of picking things up that people have left outside their door for anyone to collect, most of the time it’s useless but because it’s free he will take it.
Lots of people offload unwanted crap to him because they know he won’t say no!

He brings awful ornaments, pictures and vases home from charity shops that don’t fit the decor in our house because they were cheap and might be useful or “good for presents”. He brought home a terrible gift set with cheap rose scented hand cream, soap and Talc a few days ago because it was 50p. He knows I wouldn’t use it and I wouldn’t want to gift it to anyone.
I keep it all in a bag in the cupboard then take it back to the charity shop so it’s a waste of money and time. I suppose it makes him happy at the time and he gets very excited about his “bargains”.

If I didn’t constantly keep on top of getting rid of his crap stuff then our small house would be full of clutter.

If your DH is doing similar then I can’t blame him, if it’s things you care about or actually use then he’s just being a dick. Have you asked why he’s chucking your things away?

That's definitely controlling and abusive behaviour from him. It shows that he literally controls what 'stuff' is allowed to be kept by you and the DC's, and that he doesn't care at all how this affects you all !

It's definitely the wrong advice, but if it were me? I'd have taken a pile of HIS 'stuff' to the bloody tip !

Short term, can you get a locksmith to put locks on the bedroom or cupboard doors so that they can be locked when you and the DC are out of the house?

Long term, you really need to get organised to leave this relationship, as abuse and control like this won't ever improve, because he will never, ever view either you or the kids as being worthy of his respect or consideration. He will always, always see himself as your 'boss' and need to be the one in 'control' all the time, regardless of your views/emotions/needs/wants, and you/DC's will always be 'inferior' to him.

I grew up with a dad like this - it was infuriating. I do however have some sympathy for someone drowning in clutter - why does he do it? How old are the DC?

@Booklovingmummy throw away some of his items, give him some of his own treatment!

Common tactic of abusive controlling men.
Educate yourself, it might ring bells for you.
Womens aid can be very helpful when you are confused.

His behaviour is appalling and needs to stop, but it comes through in your post that you consider this much worse when done to you than when done to your much more vulnerable children.

I would not tolerate this in my house and would tell him that it stops or he leaves, but that may depend on your financial circumstances and whether you are safe to stand up to him.

Can you protect your children and their belongings?