Step-child and wedding exclusion

She’s not part of my family. She might be considered part of my brother’s family but she’s not someone I consider family.

On post like this a question as stupid as this is always asked! Ops ex the child’s dad isn’t the other kids dad so why would he take them anywhere? The dynamic is completely different so this question is irrelevant

He does but they are adults. The only u18 children who will be there is my partner’s 17 year old and my grandchildren.

It's clearly intentional. From what it sounds like all the siblings live together

I have met my sibling’s step child ONCE…. At their wedding 6 years ago.

Every time my children and I have visited or vice verse, his step child has been with her all “very involved” father, so I don’t think I could even now pick her out in a lineup!

Because she’s part of the family . It doesn’t matter if you’ve met them once or a thousand times!

But what if she regularly sees her nieces and nephews BUT never sees her brother’s step child?

Why couldn’t they attend? Were they not invited?

Isn't there middle ground though?

My DSD doesn't go and stay at my parents or siblings house with my bio kids, but she's definitely invited to things like weddings and christenings. I think if she lived with us full time, she would definitely be invited for less formal gatherings like sleepovers, but she's often not here when they go.

Coming to think if it, my bio son often doesnt go because of the age difference between him and his younger siblings. Him and DSD are older teens; all the rest of their siblings on both sides are in primary school or very early secondary so they do more together with their similarly aged cousins.

I don’t see why that is relevant in this case - we aren’t talking. About making provision in a will!

would you invite a friend and only two of the three children on their household? Of course not!

BIL is being unnecessarily cruel to a child. She doesn’t have to be flower girl but she should be invited along with her mum and siblings

Yes, best to establish whether DD would actually want to attend before trying to make any kind of issue of it.

I think also, even assuming the short term issue can be satisfactorily resolved, it's in your best interests to accept that she isn't seen fully as family by some of DHs relatives and that's ultimately up to them. Personally I'd have invited DD, but it doesnt much matter what others outside the family would do.

Does your brother have his own children who you will invite? Think this is what makes the difference

Awful behaviour. In your shoes OP, none of us would attend.

The OP doesn’t even allude to whether her BIL has any kind of relationship with her daughter

perhaps DH visits his brother on the weekends his step daughter is with her “very involved” biological father and consequently his brother and fiance have met the child… once? Twice?

Does she live with future BIL? It's ok that he doesn't have a close relationship with the pre-existing child of the woman his brother married.

Edited to say actually he is already OP's BIL

We had my DHs unofficial stepsister (FIL and USS mum were never married, but together for more than 20 years) who i’d never met before at our wedding, because weddings are about making a new family out of what’s already there IMO.
How anyone can ask a sibling to celebrate and honour their new family while simultaneously shitting on the importance of that siblings family is quite baffling. Talk about getting your marriage off on the wrong foot.

It might not be malicious if SD is usually at her dad’s at the weekend, so she’ll be busy anyway, and the bride and groom have no relationship with her.

OP’s husband is right to say if he asks for her to come, she has to come.

Slightly different scenario for my DC.

Their dad got remarried recently. Neither of my DC went.

Wedding wasn't local to either, but ex-H it seemed couldn't be arsed to make suitable arrangement for his kids to attend.

DC are (late) teens but don't drive.

I'm pretty upset as in my mind DC should have been the priority in terms of guests.

It doesn't say much that either their dad or new stepmum didn't think about them.

I hope that your DD is invited to the wedding OP.

When young children are involved, its pretty poor on BIL's part that he hasn't extended the invitation to your whole family.

I hope you DH gets BIL to see sense.

Same here.
I would make it clear to DH that he is responsible for all the bridesmaid stuff for DD as I would have nothing to do with it. He will have to sort out childcare during the day as I would not be there. To exclude a 12 year old who presumably has not dated any trouble within the family is appalling, frankly.

In whose world is this acceptable?
Understand why you are upset OP it is disgraceful behaviour, beyond unkind, I wouldn't be going to the wedding.

I suppose it's a bit peculiar for hosts to leave a young member of an established household out of an invitation. It's just not very nice. However if the child was older, had their own life, didn't really know the B&G, it wouldn't be so weird.

So your husband is going to ask his brother. It'll be interesting to see what the justification is if they still say no to inviting your older child.

In any event the older child already has a busy life, holidays etc with their own father / his family which doesn't include your younger children, so it's not like they are massively missing out. It's just one occasion they don't get to go with their siblings, who don't go to events the older child is invited to. It's still not very nice though.

There's no right or wrong, just shit people.

You will need to suck it up and not make a big deal so the older child doesn't feel left out.

Me too.

I have squat all to do with the step children of my sibling.

However my nieces come and stay with me regularly

no issue was far as I know with that. And can’t say I’d be too bothered if there was, as long as it didn’t mean my niece was being stopped from visiting or…. A child I’ve never met before had to join my niece !

Why do people always say this kind of stuff on these threads. It’s completely different and you know it is. Her half siblings don’t live with her Father do they!

God there are some really awful families out there.

Neither me, or any of my children would be going to this wedding.