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Original poster

Step-child and wedding exclusion

286 replies

Dazedandconfusec · 05/09/2025 10:29

I have never posted on here to write a post before but have been on here long enough to know there are hundreds of posts about how a man has raised a child as his own only for his family to draw a line and not invite the stepchild to their wedding.

My child is 12 and has a fully involved father, never 50:50 because of the nature of his work but he is involved, sees her all the time and they have just got back from a two week holiday.

I am just so angry that my brother-in-law has not invited her to his wedding, the wedding where her step-dad is best man and her little half-sister is a bridesmaid. Her half-brother is also invited. I am the mother to all of them.

I know she has a whole life without us, in many ways she is more privileged than her siblings but I am just angry and tearful about this.

OP posts:
bastarddad · 05/09/2025 13:47

Summmeeerrrrisherenearly030933939 · 05/09/2025 13:44

Surely the point she is nothing to you sums the lack of effort that’s been put into the family relationship.
She’s as much of your family as in law is, she’s not blood related ….

Show quote history

I’ve invited her and her mum to Christmas every other year when my brother comes with his own children. They choose not to come.

I love my in laws because they come with the man I love.

I have no relationship with her mother worth a damn. I see occasionally maybe once a year. I have not seen the child since she was 5.

Why am I expected to make all the effort?

Pissenlit · 05/09/2025 13:46

Bellyblueboy · 05/09/2025 13:31

I don’t see why that is relevant in this case - we aren’t talking. About making provision in a will!

would you invite a friend and only two of the three children on their household? Of course not!

BIL is being unnecessarily cruel to a child. She doesn’t have to be flower girl but she should be invited along with her mum and siblings

Show quote history

It’s only relevant because the OP raised it in her first post, saying there are hundreds of Mn posts about how a man has raised a child as his own for many years only for his family to draw the line at inviting his stepchild to weddings. I was saying that there’s a fully-involved father with whom this 12 year old spends a lot of time. She doesn’t need to be ‘raised as his own’ by a stepfather.

Yes, if I were inviting everyone else in the household to a wedding I would invite my brother’s stepchild, but other people (often those who have been burnt by a stepchild suddenly disappearing from their lives when the relationship that brought him or her into their family ended, sometimes without even being able to say goodbye) feel differently.

LegoPicnic · 05/09/2025 13:45

bastarddad · 05/09/2025 13:44

She’s not a big part of his life. He says he can’t wait for her to move out and be just him and his wife at home. He says he is done with having teenagers and he enjoys the weeks when she’s at her dad’s.

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OP’s husband is clearly a far better stepfather than your brother is, so the situation seems somewhat different.

Ihavetoask · 05/09/2025 13:45

bastarddad · 05/09/2025 13:43

Why would I want to? She lives with her dad 50/50 and I see my brother regularly and she never joins him and my niece and nephew at any of our family events.

Show quote history

You could change that.

bastarddad · 05/09/2025 13:44

Ihavetoask · 05/09/2025 13:42

Because she's a big part of your sibling's family life and cohesion and unity is always better than division.

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She’s not a big part of his life. He says he can’t wait for her to move out and be just him and his wife at home. He says he is done with having teenagers and he enjoys the weeks when she’s at her dad’s.

Summmeeerrrrisherenearly030933939 · 05/09/2025 13:44

bastarddad · 05/09/2025 13:40

Absolutely nothing.

But that’s the point. She’s nothing to me.

We made the decision to only have adults at the wedding with the exception of my grandchildren.

She’s a teenager. She’s u18. She’s not invited.

I don’t know her. I’ve never met her since she was about 5. And my niece and nephew don’t consider her a sibling. They didn’t spend much time together due to the age gap, and her spending 50/50 with her dad (which she still does).

Why would we invite her?

Edited
Show quote history

Surely the point she is nothing to you sums the lack of effort that’s been put into the family relationship.
She’s as much of your family as in law is, she’s not blood related ….

Ihavetoask · 05/09/2025 13:44

Aquickturn · 05/09/2025 13:39

At his wedding?

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Yes. There is time to mingle and chat. Open doors for the future.

bastarddad · 05/09/2025 13:43

Ihavetoask · 05/09/2025 13:38

Would be a good chance to catch up since she's been in your sibling's life for so long

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Why would I want to? She lives with her dad 50/50 and I see my brother regularly and she never joins him and my niece and nephew at any of our family events.

Ihavetoask · 05/09/2025 13:42

bastarddad · 05/09/2025 13:40

Absolutely nothing.

But that’s the point. She’s nothing to me.

We made the decision to only have adults at the wedding with the exception of my grandchildren.

She’s a teenager. She’s u18. She’s not invited.

I don’t know her. I’ve never met her since she was about 5. And my niece and nephew don’t consider her a sibling. They didn’t spend much time together due to the age gap, and her spending 50/50 with her dad (which she still does).

Why would we invite her?

Edited
Show quote history

Because she's a big part of your sibling's family life and cohesion and unity is always better than division.

LegoPicnic · 05/09/2025 13:42

I think it is generally rude to leave out one person if you’re inviting the rest of their household, unless they’ve done something to personally offend you. This is an established relationship and the other children of the household are invited so I think it’s a bit shitty of the BIL.

bastarddad · 05/09/2025 13:40

Ihavetoask · 05/09/2025 13:37

What has she done to you?

Show quote history

Absolutely nothing.

But that’s the point. She’s nothing to me.

We made the decision to only have adults at the wedding with the exception of my grandchildren.

She’s a teenager. She’s u18. She’s not invited.

I don’t know her. I’ve never met her since she was about 5. And my niece and nephew don’t consider her a sibling. They didn’t spend much time together due to the age gap, and her spending 50/50 with her dad (which she still does).

Why would we invite her?

Aquickturn · 05/09/2025 13:39

Ihavetoask · 05/09/2025 13:38

Would be a good chance to catch up since she's been in your sibling's life for so long

Show quote history

At his wedding?

Aquickturn · 05/09/2025 13:39

bastarddad · 05/09/2025 13:37

Same. I last saw this child when she was 5 or 6. I’ve seen her only that once.

I wouldn’t know her if I met her in my soup.

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And she wouldn’t know me either!

Every time I come over, she’s at her dad’s (once every 6 weeks or so)
every time they visit me, she’s at her dad’s (few times a year)

Summmeeerrrrisherenearly030933939 · 05/09/2025 13:39

bastarddad · 05/09/2025 13:35

She’s not part of my family. She might be considered part of my brother’s family but she’s not someone I consider family.

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Well that’s very sad

Ihavetoask · 05/09/2025 13:38

bastarddad · 05/09/2025 13:37

Same. I last saw this child when she was 5 or 6. I’ve seen her only that once.

I wouldn’t know her if I met her in my soup.

Show quote history

Would be a good chance to catch up since she's been in your sibling's life for so long

TheFormidableMrsC · 05/09/2025 13:38

I’m afraid I wouldn’t go. That’s absolutely outrageous behaviour on the part of your husband’s family.

Summmeeerrrrisherenearly030933939 · 05/09/2025 13:38

Dazedandconfusec · 05/09/2025 10:29

I have never posted on here to write a post before but have been on here long enough to know there are hundreds of posts about how a man has raised a child as his own only for his family to draw a line and not invite the stepchild to their wedding.

My child is 12 and has a fully involved father, never 50:50 because of the nature of his work but he is involved, sees her all the time and they have just got back from a two week holiday.

I am just so angry that my brother-in-law has not invited her to his wedding, the wedding where her step-dad is best man and her little half-sister is a bridesmaid. Her half-brother is also invited. I am the mother to all of them.

I know she has a whole life without us, in many ways she is more privileged than her siblings but I am just angry and tearful about this.

I’m totally with you on this OP, it’s incredibly hurtful to you and your children. It’s hugely inconsiderate. Your family is one big unit, you invite the whole family or none at all as far as i am concerned. This is also coming from someone with a 23yr old step son, and two of my own.
Thankfully my family and extended family always included him in everything, he lived with us 60/40.

bastarddad · 05/09/2025 13:37

Aquickturn · 05/09/2025 13:36

Exactly!

As I say, I couldn’t pick my brother’s step child out from a line up! Whereas my nieces come and stay with me regularly!

Show quote history

Same. I last saw this child when she was 5 or 6. I’ve seen her only that once.

I wouldn’t know her if I met her in my soup.

Aquickturn · 05/09/2025 13:37

StinkyWizzleteets · 05/09/2025 13:36

Name checks out

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Do you stink?

Ihavetoask · 05/09/2025 13:37

bastarddad · 05/09/2025 13:35

She’s not part of my family. She might be considered part of my brother’s family but she’s not someone I consider family.

Show quote history

What has she done to you?

bastarddad · 05/09/2025 13:37

StinkyWizzleteets · 05/09/2025 13:36

Name checks out

Show quote history

The bastard dad is my dad.

I am female.

Aquickturn · 05/09/2025 13:36

bastarddad · 05/09/2025 13:35

She’s not part of my family. She might be considered part of my brother’s family but she’s not someone I consider family.

Show quote history

Exactly!

As I say, I couldn’t pick my brother’s step child out from a line up! Whereas my nieces come and stay with me regularly!

Osmosisfreight · 05/09/2025 13:36

Its awful OP, I’m always invited to all family events on my Stepmum and Stepdads side as are my children

StinkyWizzleteets · 05/09/2025 13:36

bastarddad · 05/09/2025 11:01

I’ve met my brother’s stepchild once.

Why would I invite her to my wedding?

Name checks out

nadine90 · 05/09/2025 13:36

That’s downright nasty, I can’t believe the posters saying they agree with him. She’s 12 ffs! Old enough to understand the implication that she’s not seen as part of the family she’s had no choice but to be in, and young enough for that to damage her self esteem long term.
It would be all of us or none of us if I were you, op. The disappointment of missing a wedding for your other children would be nothing on the impact of the rest of you going on your eldest.

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