Step-child and wedding exclusion

@ I’ve not been in your situation. I think if I was I would expect my husband to be saying ‘it’s all of us or none of us. Your choice.’ Anything other is enabling horrible behaviour and I would have no part in it.

But she’s not his child. She’s his wife’s child. Who I never see?

Because your attitude to family and particularly, his children, is somewhere between sad and scary.

I think relationships, invites etc where steps are involved and what is reasonable depends on age and length of relationship.

FIL has been married a few times! The last 2 wives had children from previous relationships. They were either adults or nearly adults. They didn't live near us and we never met the DC of the ex wife. We have met the adult DC of the current wife but not very often. DH doesn't see them as family and I am sure they don't see DH as a step sibling. We would never invite them to anything and they wouldn't invite us or our DC to anything, and nobody minds.

But in this instance the little girl has been in the family's life for 9 years and so was only about 3 when they would have first known her. She now has 2 siblings within this family unit. I would expect a much closer relationship with DH's family, and I would assume she would be invited to the wedding.

Hold on. Because we haven’t invited my brother’s stepchild who mg partner has never met my partner should be questioning his relationship with me?

why?

It depends on the relationships, really. If your family see BIL and his fiancee as a family of 5, it's petty to leave your eldest out. If he knows your younger two but doesn't know your daughter because she's at her father's when you meet up, I can see how they'd think it ok not to invite her; she's got somewhere else to be.

What are they like as people? Is it likely just thoughtlessness? Let's face it, weddings are very boring when you're 12 so they might have assumed she wouldn't want to come and they don't know her much.

It’s not as if your daughter has been in your dh’s life for five minutes, but since the age of three! So been brought up by him, as well as her dad.

I hope the chat goes well and she gets included.

He’s the one who should be questioning his relationship.

To exclude just one child is nasty and unnecessary. Totally feel for you

This is Horrible she’s a child both my DH brother and sister had step -daughters when we got married and while they were not invited to be bridesmaids they were invited to the wedding as guests and also both giving little side jobs to make them feel slightly more involved as their 1/2 sisters where bridesmaid!

just to add I would have had them as bridesmaid but I already had 8 and it was getting ridiculous

Well that's why you think the way you do. It's through deprivation. The fact you are autistic means you're less inclined to see this as the problem it likely is, and more likely to think your way is right and normal and more people should be like you. Ie: more people should be raised in a cold, unwelcoming family so they continue this cycle in future generations.

So the child of the person your brother lives should be considered family.

However it is ok for your ex to have nothing to do with his daughter’s half siblings who they live with because they are not his family.

The onus on him to speak to his brother and explain the situation! To not invite a child that has lived with his brother for 9 years but invite the other 2 is not nice, to put it mildly.

I wouldn't be going

And unless your DH wanted to care for thr other kids then I'd keep your other kids at home too.

Anyway, I’m out of this as it’s being derailed by people quizzing me.

good luck @Dazedandconfusec regardless of anything else I hope you get a resolution that works for you.

With it being a story as old as time. I wonder why people are still so shocked that lots of people’s family don’t considering their child’s partners children family or in this case siblings partners child.

The only person who decided to be a step family member is the man/women and even then a lot of the time it’s more to keep the partner than actually caring deeply for the child.

See all the if my step child moved in full time I wouldn’t cope/would have to separate.

It’s like banging your head on a brick wall and expecting a different outcome to the sore head everyone else got when did the same.

Im always on the side of the step-parent’s family being under no obligation to treat their step-child as a member of their family if that what they decide. But in this case I think the issues isn’t so much a “step” issue, as just leaving one person out.

If this wedding had been your DH’s best friend’s wedding, or a godparent’s wedding, at which one child were to be a bridesmaid and another guest, leaving out a third child would be just nasty. The bride and groom would know the wedding preparation and aftermath would be a topic of conversation in your home; why go out of your way to exclude one child?

Like I say I always defend the right of a person to define their family however they choose, but this isn’t that. This is just stupid and careless thoughtlessness.

I’ve never had a warm welcoming family. (See my user name)

I don't think autism has anything to do with it. It's about the things you find important. I'm also autistic and family values are something that I really believe in. Having a warm, welcoming family made up of people who are related and people who have joined through various channels. All being autistic means is that you strongly believe the things you believe in. The way you and your brother are is more a reflection of your upbringing than neurodiveristy. Autism just means you're less inclined to think you may be doing things wrong.

You may see it that way. I’m autistic, as is my brother. (He was diagnosed in his early teens, me later in life.)

I have a stepdaughter here 50/50. And a stepson who comes in the uni holidays.

I wouldn’t expect them to be invited to my sibling’s wedding. And if my OH tried to guilt me into wangling an invite for them I’d be questioning my relationship.

There’s been similar situations on here before and it’s always really sad. I think DH should speak to his brother, perhaps quietly offer to pay for your child’s place if that makes a difference? But if he doesn’t budge you should stay home with your child.

Yet they are remarkably similar in their coldness and hostility. Nature or nurture?

My brother’s choices are not mine.

How when I have invited her and her mother to Christmas every other year and they have never come?

I see her mother once or twice a year at a family event but she never comes.

I can’t change that. And we - my partner and I - made the decision that we would have no u18s at our wedding. And she is u18.

She is a big part of his life, he just resents that she is. It seems like these are just common family values for your circle. It's indicative of the destruction of the family and community values that we see in wider society. Not surprising, but still pitiful.