Step-child and wedding exclusion

The op has been asked many times how often the bil and bride see the child and she hasn't answered.

I suspect that the answer to this question would explain why the child wasn't invited

Well this is all very confusing, as blended-family loyalties often are. I speak from experience.

But we're missing context. If I understood OP's last post correctly, DH/stepdad has agreed to ask his brother if he'll invite DD to the wedding - but only if DD isn't doing anything with her own dad that weekend, otherwise he'll 'look like a dick'.

Er, what?! Sorting dates out is basic family organisation, and even more important in blended families, where kids are constantly being shuttled between houses, two or more sets of extended family, holidays etc.

So has all this blown up from a simple lack of planning? Why could it even be a risk that she's with her dad that weekend - surely that's something you'd check with your ex first, OP?

Sorry if I've misunderstood. But it's hard on a kid to have more than one family, and the least parents can do is stay on top of boring things like diary planning so they don't miss out.

Not the same not the same not the same not the same not the same . Not the same.

I assume that there will be many other guests who are not 'part of the family', including the plus ones of friends that the bride and groom might not have even met before.

It's rude and unkind to leave out just one member of the household, particularly when it is a child. Depending on when the wedding is held, if OP's daughter can't go to her dad's, OP may need to decline the invitation to look after her daughter. She may want to decline the invitation anyway, as she probably wouldn't enjoy the wedding of someone who has deliberately excluded her elder daughter.

I think it all depends. I have a step nephew (if you will) who has been in our lives since he was 4 and is now a teenager. I see him all the time.

All family dynamics are different which is why people need to read the information in the op and not have sweeping generalisations about step children. In this specific case I think op's in laws are being really horrible.

Some families live like the Waltons, some don't. Neither is wrong.

I am a great believer of dishing out consequences for people who behave badly.

My first thoughts would be to tell DH that he’s going alone. If you don’t want to stop your DC being a bridesmaid, then send them along with your DH, but don’t you go.

I’d tell my DH that from now on, all his brother’s/ SIL’s affairs are for him to deal with. No wifey work whatsoever. I’d totally drop the rope and just fade them out of my life.

Not acknowledging your DD is also a snub to you. I’d take a massive step back.

These threads invariably turn into lengthy discussions about whether the behaviour is morally acceptable or not. Which is seldom much use to an OP in this position.

Because the ultimate issue is the other partner's family not viewing the stepchild in the same way as they view their relative's child. It may be possible to enforce an invitation on equal terms, but that's the short term fix. What women in this position actually need is to think about how they're going to cope with this situation going forward, and berating people into feeling the way they want them to feel is not one of the options. Our OP here has even identified most of that herself, as she's said it's about more than the invitation.

I call my sibling my sibling not half. If he had a step child I’d never or barely met I can’t say they would register on my must make sure to invite list.

Would be more like better put down brother and his partner. If I remembered the kid I’d never or barely met I’d likely assume they would be at their dads at the weekend or could go to their dads since I didn’t know them and they didn’t know me.

Now if my brother was a really active step dad and had been bringing his step child round all the time and thus I’d know them and have a relationship with them, then I’d hope they were free on the day of my wedding and be invited.

Id remember his children because well you remember your sibling becoming a parent it’s a big deal. Not so much hey meet Martha, this is my new partner. Oh yeah she has a daughter too but she’s at her dad’s.

I was wondering whether there was an overlap with those who think “no ring, no bring” is perfectly acceptable, even when people have been living together for years

Ive met people who make their kids refer to their siblings as "half" or even "step" when they only share one parent and it is their co-parent's child. I wonder if there is an overlap here with who would invite the SD and who wouldn't.

Yanbu
I'm currently trying to plan a guest list myself for my own wedding and it's a bit of a nightmare but there's certain people you think, well if I invite them I have to invite X, and I think if I was inviting your family I wouldn't be able to exclude one of your children. It's as simple as that.

We get these sort of threads regularly, the most memorable being whether the step cousins should/should not (take your pick) have been invited to Alton Towers. It all gets slightly ridiculous.

You are married to your husband, have clearly been together sometime and have children together. The fact you have an older child, who is not your husband's biological child, is irrelevant. You are a family unit, regardless if your husband is the biological Dad to all the children or not. Your elder daughter lives over 50% of the time with you, therefore she lives with your husband too. If your elder daughter hasn't been invited to the wedding simply because she's not your husband's biological child, that's mean. I'm not saying your daughter should have been bridesmaid too, but she should be included as a guest, because she's part of your husband's family unit. Is your daughter aware that she's not been invited? If so, does she actually want to attend? Even if she's not aware, would she want to go? I agree with your husband, if he says something to his brother, your daughter has to attend. I am glad your husband is advocating for your daughter though - as he should do, but many wouldn't have wanted to 'rock the boat'.

This makes no sense...

its so weird not to invite all the children of a household/couple. i don't get the thinking seems unnecessarily unkind

It’s totally different. This is her stepdad. Her dad isn’t her siblings’ stepdad. It’s saying VERY clearly that she’s not part of her stepdad’s family.

OP, I wouldn’t go. Please stand up for your DD. I’d say sorry but daughter’s dad is away and I can’t leave her. Let your partner deal with the kids while being a best man and see how they all like it.

Do you think that getting your OH to go begging to his family for an invite for a child who is not part of the family getting married is going to somehow make them related?

You'll just make her more disliked as you are making her a problem.
They don't want her there or they would have invited her.

You can only control the amount of step family that you have sex with.
Nobody else has to pretend your child with a different father is part of their family.

That's awful OP I wouldn't want any of us to go to BIL's wedding if it was me in that position. You have the whole family or none of them at all. I'd be asking DH to have words with them about it, it's not right.

I think it's good your DH will speak to his brother and ask that all members of his household are invited to the wedding where he will be best man. I don't think you can insist that all members of DH's family regard her as a neice/grandchild/cousin but it's just kinder to think of reasons to include a child, rather than exclude.

On my partner? No his children and family are joined to us as a couple by virtue of our upcoming marriage. But I’m well aware that if we get divorced in the future I’ll never see them again. Been there done that got the t-shirt.

No one can truly expect that you love your siblings step child who you’ve met once the same as the niece you see once a fortnight. That’s unrealistic.

I think that's not a close analogy. OP is invited to this wedding as part of the family. In like case I'd expect my 12 year-old DD invited also. My DS invited his (adult) step-DB and his DP to both christenings of his DC and to his wedding. This seems normal. No DC of anyone were invited btw.
However, I would not expect to be invited to a wedding in my ex-H's family, though my DC might be (have been) invited. Nor would ex-H's family invite my DC's step-brothers or sisters - they don't know them.
The point I am making is that this is a wedding in OP's DH's family and OP is a member of that family so her DC should be invited esp. as the other two DC (her DD's brother and sister) are invited. I wouldn't go in this scenario, nor would my other DD be a bridesmaid.

But she’s only in his house half the time and she never comes to our family events?

And I said I was out but I keep getting quoted.

Either way, your attitude to extended family will likely be turned on him and his network at some point.

But does he live with his partner and the child as a family unit? It sounds like you don't see them much at all. It's quite different to the OP where they have invited 2/3 children who live in the household together.