Page 4 | Step-child and wedding exclusion

Dazedandconfusec · 2025-09-05T09:29:51+00:00

I have never posted on here to write a post before but have been on here long enough to know there are hundreds of posts about how a man has raised a child as his own only for his family to draw a line and not invite the stepchild to their wedding. My child is 12 and has a fully involved father, never 50:50 because of the nature of his work but he is involved, sees her all the time and they have just got back from a two week holiday. I am just so angry that my brother-in-law has not invited her to his wedding, the wedding where her step-dad is best man and her little half-sister is a bridesmaid. Her half-brother is also invited. I am the mother to all of them. I know she has a whole life without us, in many ways she is more privileged than her siblings but I am just angry and tearful about this.

OSTMusTisNT · 05/09/2025 17:11

I would decline the invite as you dont have childcare for DD.

Different if she was an adult but its not right to exclude one family member.

Namechangerage · 05/09/2025 17:11

Dazedandconfusec · 05/09/2025 11:51

My husband is going to have a word at the weekend, what he has said that if she is invited she can’t turn down the invitation to do something with her dad or his side as it would make him look like a dick advocating for a child who wasn’t available anyway.

My in-laws don’t really have occasions.

A cousin got married for the second time and the kids weren’t invited but husband’s nephews who are my eldest daughter’s age were as he was Godfather of one of them. I was slightly put out but thought I was unreasonable to be so.

My eldest daughter sees her stepfamily often when she was little all the time now she wouldn’t be there as often, not necessarily because of her dad but because of friends, hobbies etc. in exactly the same way as my other children and husband’s nephews.

Husband’s sister’s husband ( clumsy but I want to differentiate from the bride and groom) used to do a barbecue every year. My daughter was about 5 and that BiL’s mother (obviously no relation) asked who she was and I totally admit this sounds narcissistic but I was shocked that his sister would never have told her mother- in - law that her brother had a stepchild.

I have no idea what I think, even if they invite her I will still be pissed off. I am making no sense.

You are making sense. The damage is done, it can be repaired slightly if your DH manages to get through to them. You definitely shouldn’t go if she’s not invited, it’s awful they have excluded her.

Tunisia2025 · 05/09/2025 17:06

bastarddad · 05/09/2025 10:35

She has a father. Do you expect all her siblings to be invited to weddings on his side?

Not even remotely the same, but i think you know that

Cornflowers35 · 05/09/2025 16:46

NotoriousABC · 05/09/2025 13:32

Why couldn’t they attend? Were they not invited?

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Half hearted at best.

He expected them to make their own way there and for me to probably pay.

No talk of where they would stay (same hotel or who was paying for that either) where the wedding was going ahead.

I suspect a nice hotel (who wouldn't) but he wouldn't have wanted to pay for that.

Wedding was around 4 hours journey, so not easy.

I wouldn't be getting remarried (although heaven forbid that's never happening) without my children being there.

They should have been guests of honour.

We don't have a good "relationship" so bringing it up wasn't really an option.

At the end of the day, he's always to have that on his conscious, he didn't make sure his kids were with him.

Going back to the OPs issue, if I was the BIl I would definitely be extending an invite to the DSD.

If you are having children at a wedding, you really shouldn't exclude some.

Letsgoroundagainnow · 05/09/2025 16:43

bastarddad · 05/09/2025 14:19

But she’s not his child. She’s his wife’s child. Who I never see?

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You never see “his wife” either?

OP is extremely UR and unkind not inviting your DD.

User1839474 · 05/09/2025 16:40

Aquickturn · 05/09/2025 13:26

The OP doesn’t even allude to whether her BIL has any kind of relationship with her daughter

perhaps DH visits his brother on the weekends his step daughter is with her “very involved” biological father and consequently his brother and fiance have met the child… once? Twice?

Even if that is the case, so what! This is a child who lives in a family home with her siblings, as a family, a unit, they come as a package. You don’t leave one child out FFS. It’s cruel and unnecessary. How do you think it’ll make her siblings feel?

OnTheRoof · 05/09/2025 16:40

the7Vabo · 05/09/2025 16:20

I don’t understand the mentality which I often see here that a man has to “choose” his step child over his own biological family of origin. If you truly loved your partner why would you ask that of him?

Thats not to say I agree with the lack of invitation (I don’t), but it’s not my wedding nor is it DH’s in this case. I don’t think it’s for him to “have words”. Why not ask nicely.

And DH doesn’t even sound sure that SD 12 actually wants to go when he says if he asks she better not book anything else.

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Yes, I think it's quite telling that OP hasn't mentioned any potential feelings of upset in DD at not being invited, nor disagreement with DHs point about her having to actually be free and willing to attend. The issue here appears to be with the principle of the thing and OPs feelings.

The way DDs relationship with her DF and his side is described, sounds like it's a possibility worth considering that she'll have better things to do anyway. Fully involved dad, more privileged, evidently stuff going on with hobbies and invitations on her paternal side.

User1839474 · 05/09/2025 16:37

Kuretake · 05/09/2025 13:06

This is weird - you don't know immediately if your siblings have step children?

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Shocking isn’t it! My nephew mentions his little Brother nearly every time I see him. How could you not know your niece or nephew has other siblings they live with half the week or more?

mindutopia · 05/09/2025 16:37

It’s quite silly because on a very practical level, what the hell are you meant to do with her the weekend of the wedding? Your Dh presumably is in the wedding (best man?). Your dd is a bridesmaid. Other young child invited. Someone (you) has to look after those children at the wedding. But you can’t be in two places at once. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Your dh’s family can’t just assume that her dad will jump in for extra childcare that weekend.

I would be happy for Dh to go, but it would be a no for me and the kids.

hydriotaphia · 05/09/2025 16:31

YANBU at all, how hurtful. Honestly, I would decline the invitiation. If you DH must go then he must, but I wouldn't attend myself or allow my children to.

the7Vabo · 05/09/2025 16:20

CopperWhite · 05/09/2025 16:16

Suggesting that the OP doesn’t allow her other children to go is horrible. Those children deserve to be involved in family occasions on their fathers side, just like their half sister is involved with her father side.

I don’t understand the mentality which I often see here that a man has to “choose” his step child over his own biological family of origin. If you truly loved your partner why would you ask that of him?

Thats not to say I agree with the lack of invitation (I don’t), but it’s not my wedding nor is it DH’s in this case. I don’t think it’s for him to “have words”. Why not ask nicely.

And DH doesn’t even sound sure that SD 12 actually wants to go when he says if he asks she better not book anything else.

CopperWhite · 05/09/2025 16:16

Suggesting that the OP doesn’t allow her other children to go is horrible. Those children deserve to be involved in family occasions on their fathers side, just like their half sister is involved with her father side.

9ctbull · 05/09/2025 16:16

Dazedandconfusec · 05/09/2025 11:51

My husband is going to have a word at the weekend, what he has said that if she is invited she can’t turn down the invitation to do something with her dad or his side as it would make him look like a dick advocating for a child who wasn’t available anyway.

My in-laws don’t really have occasions.

A cousin got married for the second time and the kids weren’t invited but husband’s nephews who are my eldest daughter’s age were as he was Godfather of one of them. I was slightly put out but thought I was unreasonable to be so.

My eldest daughter sees her stepfamily often when she was little all the time now she wouldn’t be there as often, not necessarily because of her dad but because of friends, hobbies etc. in exactly the same way as my other children and husband’s nephews.

Husband’s sister’s husband ( clumsy but I want to differentiate from the bride and groom) used to do a barbecue every year. My daughter was about 5 and that BiL’s mother (obviously no relation) asked who she was and I totally admit this sounds narcissistic but I was shocked that his sister would never have told her mother- in - law that her brother had a stepchild.

I have no idea what I think, even if they invite her I will still be pissed off. I am making no sense.

that last bit, sorry to break it to you but you know it already(you said narc), not everyone talks about your husband and who he is seeing and they buggage as much as you wish they did. CLEARLY, he is not the man who invented bread!
I hope you take it as I mean it and not as being rude.

9ctbull · 05/09/2025 16:08

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 05/09/2025 10:42

This nonsense always gets brought out here. This is NOT the same. Her siblings don't live with her father, and he's not their step father and doesn't have any kind of relationship with them. You can't compare that to a relationship where she's living 50% of the time with her stepfather.

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may the step child never goes to the step dad's family visits i.e to this uncle's house as an example. that is possible

Wellshellsbells · 05/09/2025 16:05

I wouldn’t go.my ds has always been treated the same as my other ds by his step family.i this would really upset me and i would make a point of telling people why you’re not going.I am sorry for you and your daughter x

BettysRoasties · 05/09/2025 15:51

Fargo79 · 05/09/2025 15:29

Putting pressure on the marriage? Only if the husband is a wet blanket or lacks any sense of loyalty to his wife and kids.

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Wet blanket could go both ways there. As could loyalty.

He could be deemed a wet blanket rolling over to wifey and disloyal to his brother as best man over his wife’s child.

Just as you would deem him a wet blanket and not loyal to his wife in the situation where he didn’t stand up for his step daughter.

Who’s more important to him. His brother or step daughter. Mostly likely his brother. What’s more important to him, his brother over his wife or when you get to the nitty gritty with most men. His brother or sex. Because as seen and agreed on by lots of posters on here men only tend to care about the children of the person they get to have sex with. Biological children or not.

the7Vabo · 05/09/2025 15:41

Fargo79 · 05/09/2025 15:29

Putting pressure on the marriage? Only if the husband is a wet blanket or lacks any sense of loyalty to his wife and kids.

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Of course conflict puts pressure on a marriage.

Why not just try to solve it simply? “Dear bro, SD would like to join us..”

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 05/09/2025 15:33

I would not attend.

Your husband can take the 2 kids and do all the necessary preparations, look after at the wedding etc etc.
I'd stay home, or go away perhaps with DD

Fargo79 · 05/09/2025 15:30

bastarddad · 05/09/2025 10:35

She has a father. Do you expect all her siblings to be invited to weddings on his side?

I think you would benefit from sketching out a little family tree. It might help you to understand why this comparison is silly.

Fargo79 · 05/09/2025 15:29

the7Vabo · 05/09/2025 15:23

I wouldn’t do any of that unless you want to put pressure on your marriage.

It’s an assumption to assume that a man can’t communicate with his own brother without “wifey work”. My husband communicates with not only his brother but all his siblings without any input from me, why would he need it? They were a family long before I appeared on the scene.

If you really want your daughter to go all you can do is you or DH ask nicely. You can’t force people to behave how you think they should unfortunately.

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Putting pressure on the marriage? Only if the husband is a wet blanket or lacks any sense of loyalty to his wife and kids.

BrownieBlondie01 · 05/09/2025 15:27

I am a step-parent and I think this is really rude. If a child lives primarily in your household then they should 100% be invited to a wedding with everyone else.

I think it's different if the child lives primarily with their other parent, but if the child lives mainly with you and thus most times you see the people getting married all of the children will be with you then it's just mean. They should have at least asked you if she'd be around/would she want to come.

Fargo79 · 05/09/2025 15:27

Others will disagree but neither myself nor my other children would be going where one of their siblings was not invited. Different perhaps if they were adults, but absolutely not as children who all live together under one roof. And before anyone says "it's their dad's decision too", my husband is a loyal and caring man with principles. He would be in complete agreement and would not be acting as best man in these circumstances. I imagine he'd probably attend alone as a guest or just send a card and gift and not bother attending at all if his brother did something so exclusionary and hurtful.

the7Vabo · 05/09/2025 15:23

AutumnOffGrid · 05/09/2025 14:54

I am a great believer of dishing out consequences for people who behave badly.

My first thoughts would be to tell DH that he’s going alone. If you don’t want to stop your DC being a bridesmaid, then send them along with your DH, but don’t you go.

I’d tell my DH that from now on, all his brother’s/ SIL’s affairs are for him to deal with. No wifey work whatsoever. I’d totally drop the rope and just fade them out of my life.

Not acknowledging your DD is also a snub to you. I’d take a massive step back.

I wouldn’t do any of that unless you want to put pressure on your marriage.

It’s an assumption to assume that a man can’t communicate with his own brother without “wifey work”. My husband communicates with not only his brother but all his siblings without any input from me, why would he need it? They were a family long before I appeared on the scene.

If you really want your daughter to go all you can do is you or DH ask nicely. You can’t force people to behave how you think they should unfortunately.

ZoeCM · 05/09/2025 15:19

bastarddad · 05/09/2025 10:35

She has a father. Do you expect all her siblings to be invited to weddings on his side?

People pull this out all the time on these threads as a "gotcha", but it makes no sense.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 05/09/2025 15:18

Dazedandconfusec · 05/09/2025 10:43

While she has a fully involved father. She has lived with her stepfather for nearly nine years.

My other children have absolutely nothing to do with my ex so of course they’re not invited to anything on his side.

I can’t believe she could be left out of BiL’s wedding, not as a bridesmaid or anything but as a guest with the rest of her household.

I get that it's upsetting and I would be too, I don't agree with it but the same way the other threads you referenced went, your DH cannot force his family to accept her South just need to accept it and move on.

The good thing is that he has been in her life and accept her and she still has her father, he can to force his brother to invite her and I wouldn't push him to cut off his family because that create bigger issues and then your other kids are also cut off from that side of their family meanwhile your daughter still has her father's side.

Unfortunately that's one of the risks with blended families, focus on what you can control.

There was a recent thread here were a grandmother wasn't invited to her grandsons wedding and many people argued that he had a right to invite whoever he wants, I disagree but that seems to be the selfish individualistic path we are going down as a society.