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Original poster

Step-child and wedding exclusion

286 replies

Dazedandconfusec · 05/09/2025 10:29

I have never posted on here to write a post before but have been on here long enough to know there are hundreds of posts about how a man has raised a child as his own only for his family to draw a line and not invite the stepchild to their wedding.

My child is 12 and has a fully involved father, never 50:50 because of the nature of his work but he is involved, sees her all the time and they have just got back from a two week holiday.

I am just so angry that my brother-in-law has not invited her to his wedding, the wedding where her step-dad is best man and her little half-sister is a bridesmaid. Her half-brother is also invited. I am the mother to all of them.

I know she has a whole life without us, in many ways she is more privileged than her siblings but I am just angry and tearful about this.

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 06/09/2025 12:28

It's very normal. She won't care. I used to have a separate life with my dad than I had with my mum. Kids know this she won't be bothered by it unless you make this a thing . She doesn't live with her step dad full time , he hasn't brought her up , you are honestly projecting it would have been nice for her to be invited , but she isn't and that's it. Your DHs children are. You see the difference?

Pootletoo · 06/09/2025 12:25

Someone said I was avoiding the question about how often my daughter sees my Brother-in-law. He has known her longer than he has known my younger children and sees her as often as he sees the younger ones and his sister’s sons.

Well in that case you are right to be upset. Very strange that they would exclude her.

Netcurtainnelly · 06/09/2025 12:06

How can adults be so cruel to a child. Please do.not go and that will teach them.
They ought to be named and shamed if this is real.

NewbieSM · 06/09/2025 12:04

Yeah it’s not a good look to exclude just one child. It’s tricky though as step family relations often are. Are your inlaws close with your eldest? Both my parents remarried spouses with children from previous relationships, it was quite difficult to integrate into either extended stepfamily as I was 50/50 custody. Basically you can’t control how others define “family”.

Hopefully your husband is able to help BIL see his error but honestly I wouldn’t view him in the same light again even if he does extend her an invitation. If he is unwilling then I would decline the invitation and take your daughter off for a lovely girls weekend while your husband takes her siblings to the wedding. It doesn’t need to be a drama but I would be detaching yourself emotionally from the in-laws, they are not your family, protect your own.

MidnightPatrol · 06/09/2025 11:25

Your DH can say to his BIL, “We appreciate it is your wedding and you can invite who you like, but we are very upset that X has been excluded while her siblings have been invited. This leaves us in a difficult position as it does not feel right to attend and exclude just one of our children.’

Trendyname · 06/09/2025 11:18

Dazedandconfusec · 05/09/2025 11:51

My husband is going to have a word at the weekend, what he has said that if she is invited she can’t turn down the invitation to do something with her dad or his side as it would make him look like a dick advocating for a child who wasn’t available anyway.

My in-laws don’t really have occasions.

A cousin got married for the second time and the kids weren’t invited but husband’s nephews who are my eldest daughter’s age were as he was Godfather of one of them. I was slightly put out but thought I was unreasonable to be so.

My eldest daughter sees her stepfamily often when she was little all the time now she wouldn’t be there as often, not necessarily because of her dad but because of friends, hobbies etc. in exactly the same way as my other children and husband’s nephews.

Husband’s sister’s husband ( clumsy but I want to differentiate from the bride and groom) used to do a barbecue every year. My daughter was about 5 and that BiL’s mother (obviously no relation) asked who she was and I totally admit this sounds narcissistic but I was shocked that his sister would never have told her mother- in - law that her brother had a stepchild.

I have no idea what I think, even if they invite her I will still be pissed off. I am making no sense.

Reading all this makes me so upset. People can be so heartless to a child but you are her mother and won’t be wrong to not go to this wedding. Let them celebrate with all their blood relatives.

Trendyname · 06/09/2025 11:14

bastarddad · 05/09/2025 10:35

She has a father. Do you expect all her siblings to be invited to weddings on his side?

It’s different. Dd lives in the house with OP’s husband. Op is part of family and her dependant dd should be shown that grace. She is just a 12 year old child. It’s horrible to be shown you are not part of this group, our family.

Whereas OP’s other kids have no connection to her ex and don’t live with and don’t ever see his family.

Letsgoroundagainnow · 05/09/2025 20:35

marcopront · 05/09/2025 19:51

Except it isn’t clear if the bride does know the daughter.

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But it’s the grooms family, so why does the bride get sll
the say?

Fargo79 · 05/09/2025 20:21

BettysRoasties · 05/09/2025 15:51

Wet blanket could go both ways there. As could loyalty.

He could be deemed a wet blanket rolling over to wifey and disloyal to his brother as best man over his wife’s child.

Just as you would deem him a wet blanket and not loyal to his wife in the situation where he didn’t stand up for his step daughter.

Who’s more important to him. His brother or step daughter. Mostly likely his brother. What’s more important to him, his brother over his wife or when you get to the nitty gritty with most men. His brother or sex. Because as seen and agreed on by lots of posters on here men only tend to care about the children of the person they get to have sex with. Biological children or not.

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Most men? Nah. Let's pick the bar up off the floor. Really cannot see any decent man choosing his brother - who has arbitrarily decided to exclude this girl, and could have easily just chosen to include her instead - over and above a child he's been raising for many years and his family unit with his wife and his children who are the child's half siblings.

Fargo79 · 05/09/2025 20:14

the7Vabo · 05/09/2025 15:41

Of course conflict puts pressure on a marriage.

Why not just try to solve it simply? “Dear bro, SD would like to join us..”

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There wouldn't be any conflict between the married couple unless the husband is disloyal or a wimp who can't stand up to his family.

LegoPicnic · 05/09/2025 19:56

marcopront · 05/09/2025 19:51

Except it isn’t clear if the bride does know the daughter.

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OP has said that the groom knows the daughter, so why does it matter whether the bride knows her?

Katemax82 · 05/09/2025 19:55

Personally I wouldn't go to a wedding if one of my children were specifically not invited. That would like excluding our step grandkids from stuff...just wouldn't happen

marcopront · 05/09/2025 19:51

Bunny65 · 05/09/2025 18:59

An utterly bizarre and disgraceful way to behave. You don’t invite a whole family minus the underage child who you know as part of the family

Except it isn’t clear if the bride does know the daughter.

Bunny65 · 05/09/2025 18:59

An utterly bizarre and disgraceful way to behave. You don’t invite a whole family minus the underage child who you know as part of the family

ThatsCute · 05/09/2025 18:54

I wouldn’t invite a whole family to a wedding and deliberately leave out one child, no.

Blankscreen · 05/09/2025 18:48

It's very simple. Your DH goes but he will need to make are arrangements to look after your 2 younger children whilst they are at the wedding. He will also need to organise their outfits etc for the day

You and you DD don't go and neither do you want to be bored to death hearing about said wedding. As far as you are concerned it's a non event an irrelevance that you are not interested in

bastarddad · 05/09/2025 18:42

ilovepixie · 05/09/2025 17:55

Does the step child live with your brother?

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I have answered this. 50/50

Original poster
Dazedandconfusec · 05/09/2025 18:39

I was hesitant to post as unlike the far too many threads on the same subject my daughter has a loving, involved father but nevertheless she lives with her stepfather and I believe it is rude and graceless to exclude her.

I have no embarrassment whatsoever that my children are half siblings.

My eldest obviously has a relationship with her stepfather’s family that my younger children don’t have with my eldest’s father. There is no analogy.

Someone said I was avoiding the question about how often my daughter sees my Brother-in-law. He has known her longer than he has known my younger children and sees her as often as he sees the younger ones and his sister’s sons.

I got the impression when SiL first was on the scene that she worked out who eldest was rather than being told who she was but she knew name of other daughter.

I believe an underage step niece living with a sibling should be invited to a wedding if the child’s half siblings will be there.

I would never, ever stop or hinder my younger children enjoying the wedding of their uncle. How would you explain it to them anyway?

My husband will talk to his brother at the weekend. Never, ever would I be willing to pay for my daughter to attend a wedding ever. I would find it demeaning begging for an invitation that should have been freely given.

I am amazed that so many have agreed with me given that she has her own dad on the scene and a loving paternal family. Thank you.

OP posts:
LegoPicnic · 05/09/2025 18:27

ACatNamedRobin · 05/09/2025 18:00

@Tunisia2025

Why not?
If the BIL is expected to invite the kid because she's his niece's/nephew's half sibling.
Why is the her Dad not inviting them as they're his daughter's half siblings?

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It’s not impossible that he would invite them to a wedding if he was also inviting OP and her husband.

ACatNamedRobin · 05/09/2025 18:00

Tunisia2025 · 05/09/2025 17:06

Not even remotely the same, but i think you know that

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@Tunisia2025

Why not?
If the BIL is expected to invite the kid because she's his niece's/nephew's half sibling.
Why is the her Dad not inviting them as they're his daughter's half siblings?

ilovepixie · 05/09/2025 17:55

bastarddad · 05/09/2025 11:01

I’ve met my brother’s stepchild once.

Why would I invite her to my wedding?

Does the step child live with your brother?

Astrabees · 05/09/2025 17:16

Of course you are right to be very upset about this. I felt terrible when I was planning my wedding to have invited my cousin’s newish girlfriend but not her don, as I did not know she had one. The minute I found out I sent a new invite and a letter of apology.

Namechangerage · 05/09/2025 17:13

Ihavetoask · 05/09/2025 14:38

Ive met people who make their kids refer to their siblings as "half" or even "step" when they only share one parent and it is their co-parent's child. I wonder if there is an overlap here with who would invite the SD and who wouldn't.

Wow, yes! I have never ever thought of my brother as “half” despite having different dads. Who does that when they are kids?! Perhaps different if you’re grown ups and your parent has kids you don’t see etc. but kids??

Tablesandchairs23 · 05/09/2025 17:12

Does she have a relationship with your husband family. I think it's a bit mean. I wouldn't leave a child out.

ChateauProvence · 05/09/2025 17:11

I wouldn’t go and I would look very differently at my husband if he doesn’t fully support you on this, disgusting not to invite the whole family. I don’t have step children nor am I step child but to leave out a little girl is just awful