Step-child and wedding exclusion

You don't leave one child from a household out. It's an utterly shit thing to do.

The non related child doesn't need to be involved in the wedding itself but they should be invited and @Dazedandconfusec your DH should have raised this with his brother a long time ago. Before you ever knew your DD wasn't invited.

My MiL’s response was to ask why she couldn’t have a sleepover with a friend

😯. your DH needs to be direct and tell his mother that- no, you are not carting off one of your children to someone else while the rest of their family attend an event they are not welcome at.

That's so shitty. I'm so sorry. If I were you, I'd play no part in the flower girl dress, let your DH sort it. I'd also have nothing to do with gift buying, leave it all to DH, it's his family after all. It's a shame your DH didn't bring up that she's part of his family and how disappointed he was for a child in his household to be actively excluded.

I'm so stubborn, none of us would be going if this happened to us. Well done for making a stand. Some people are just so bloody thoughtless. BIL should have had a conversation with you both beforehand when they were drafting guest lists.

Honestly OP, I’m so sorry you have such mean in-laws. They are close family and know your daughter well. I think they should know how you feel about it at least, otherwise it seems they will continue to delude themselves that you would have been there if it hadn’t been for “babysitting”.

Totally agree with you not going, the only thing I would change is I wouldn't ask her dad to have her (though you may be doing this so that you can help your younger children get ready on the day?) but I would arrange a weekend away just you and her. So that she can get really excited about time just with you, and your H can focus on getting himself and his kids sorted.

Then once you're back on the Sunday it'll be done and dusted and she'll be so excited about her time away that the wedding will barely be mentioned

No offence, but I wouldn’t want to attend the wedding of someone who needs to be CONVINCED to do the right thing. Don’t drag your child to a place where she is not welcome.

You're right. Even if your DH were on board with preventing his DC from seeing their paternal family if DD1 isn't included, it would be poor parenting. I think you've probably made the best choice you can in the circumstances.

I think you have done the right thing.

For what it's worth my 'step' niece was my bridesmaid. Her brother was only a toddler so didn't play a part.

I can't believe people would split a family like this for the sake of a wedding invitation for a child.

Your BIL and future SIL are being very mean. With the divorce rate as high as it is, there is a good chance that either or both of them will end up with a blended family themselves in the future. They might reflect then on what they did to yours.

I think you have made the right decision @Dazedandconfusec

Hopefully, you can arrange something lovely either with her dad or with you. But I would breezily tell the adults involved that dd will be with you that weekend as her dad is likely to be busy so you won’t be available to attend.

Let’s face it, they want your DH and the younger, cute ones there. The ones that will look cute in the photos. The “real” niece and nephew, grandchildren. That’s what is really going on here. And now you know.

So move forward with grace but with the knowledge that this is where they stand. You can’t change it or fight it, just drop the rope.

I think you have done the right thing.

I’m so sad for your daughter. I was that elder half sister who was left out of a wedding for the same reason, because I was the ‘step’ child and thus expendable. At the time it was pretty devastating really, and I was bewildered and hurt to feel that I was viewed as less important than my siblings to that side of what I viewed very much as my family.

I do wonder whether your husband would feel up to going back and saying that actually, she is part of his family and having one of his family left out is so upsetting? But it would really have to come from him, and be his decision. But I do think it is worth him approaching his brother again. His brother really might not have clocked how damaging it could be.

Feeling for you and your daughter.

I wouldn’t prevent the younger daughter from going because whilst it’s unfair to your older daughter, younger daughter still needs to have a relationship with her family from her fathers side as your older daughter does on her side.

The fact they made her a bridesmaid means they have a close relationship with her, unfortunately as sad as it is they don’t really have an obligation to your older daughter. It would be nice to accept her and I would if it was me but we can’t force everyone to do so.

I’m with you in that I wouldn’t go to support your older daughter but be careful about cutting younger daughter off from her uncles and cousins etc in revenge, as I said in my earlier post this is one of the complications that comes with blended families.

You are definitely right to be upset, I would too and hopefully your ex can take her if not try to organize an outing for you and her.

And things like this can also cause rifts between your daughters later if one feels like she has been prevented from having relationships with her family to support her sister.

I grew up in a blended family and I can assure you that there is no perfect solution that creates a perfectly blended family with no differences or cracks.

Oof. Ok, well now you know. He doesn't have to see her as family the same as his brother's children, but personally I'd have extended the wedding invitation as the easiest option all round.

I agree it's a good idea to see if DDs dad can have her. Hopefully they can do something fun. You'll also need to think about how to manage this knowledge going forward, since it's up to him how he feels about family and it's clear neither you nor DH are up for an invite us all or none of us come approach. Which is to your credit.

I am most definitely not going under any circumstances no matter what, even if they send an invitation in a gold box.

This is absolutely the right decision. Well done, OP.

The same way I explain to you now .
We are a family , we support each other and we are loyal to each other . You cannot go to uncle ££££ wedding because would be unfair to some of us. In my case this wouldn’t be a issue as DH would not go either I’m sure . And if he wanted to go he would go alone

We have a very strict rule to this , we go to events as a family , of one is not invited then nobody goes .

As difficult as it is OP, I’d try not to take it to heart.

Weddings are very stressful to organise I would have had far less empathy for BIL before I organised a wedding. There’s a lot going on with various family relationship and friend groups etc.

Looking back at my own wedding I can’t believe some of the money I spent etc. It can grow legs.

Id say bro in law is thinking about numbers etc. He is aware that you share custody and didnt think it would be a big deal for your DD to be with her dad.

Obviously he sees your DD as different to her siblings and not his niece as such. The important thing is that she has a good relationship with her dad and your DH. This is just a bump in the road, try not to get too down about it.

Could you have the weekend away the two of you? Then she misses most of the wedding prep.

BIL’s response is just awful, and child in a family isn’t inviting everyone! I think it would also be good for you not to be around, your going to find this really upsetting when it happens.

What a horrible response from your BiL. I can only assume he is thick and insensitive. For what it’s worth I think he should know the real reason you’re not going.

Well explained.

Why people KEEP using this line of "reasoning" is beyond me. Makes no sense at all.