Page 11 | Step-child and wedding exclusion

Dazedandconfusec · 2025-09-05T09:29:51+00:00

I have never posted on here to write a post before but have been on here long enough to know there are hundreds of posts about how a man has raised a child as his own only for his family to draw a line and not invite the stepchild to their wedding. My child is 12 and has a fully involved father, never 50:50 because of the nature of his work but he is involved, sees her all the time and they have just got back from a two week holiday. I am just so angry that my brother-in-law has not invited her to his wedding, the wedding where her step-dad is best man and her little half-sister is a bridesmaid. Her half-brother is also invited. I am the mother to all of them. I know she has a whole life without us, in many ways she is more privileged than her siblings but I am just angry and tearful about this.

Original poster

Dazedandconfusec · 05/09/2025 11:51

My husband is going to have a word at the weekend, what he has said that if she is invited she can’t turn down the invitation to do something with her dad or his side as it would make him look like a dick advocating for a child who wasn’t available anyway.

My in-laws don’t really have occasions.

A cousin got married for the second time and the kids weren’t invited but husband’s nephews who are my eldest daughter’s age were as he was Godfather of one of them. I was slightly put out but thought I was unreasonable to be so.

My eldest daughter sees her stepfamily often when she was little all the time now she wouldn’t be there as often, not necessarily because of her dad but because of friends, hobbies etc. in exactly the same way as my other children and husband’s nephews.

Husband’s sister’s husband ( clumsy but I want to differentiate from the bride and groom) used to do a barbecue every year. My daughter was about 5 and that BiL’s mother (obviously no relation) asked who she was and I totally admit this sounds narcissistic but I was shocked that his sister would never have told her mother- in - law that her brother had a stepchild.

I have no idea what I think, even if they invite her I will still be pissed off. I am making no sense.

OP posts:

bastarddad · 05/09/2025 11:50

XelaM · 05/09/2025 11:49

So you would prefer to ruin the relationship with your brother and his family for the sake of excluding one 12-year-old child? That's horrible

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I didn’t say the child was 12.

and it isn’t ruining the relationship with my brother.

Wildchild60s · 05/09/2025 11:49

When your husband agreed to be best man and it was agreed that your younger daughter would be a bridesmaid was it clear then that your older daughter would not even be invited?

XelaM · 05/09/2025 11:49

bastarddad · 05/09/2025 11:44

If you did that to me, I’d say that’s fine. Don’t attend. No skin off my nose.

It’s a second wedding for me and him. Whoever wants to accept the invite they’ve been given is welcome. If they don’t want to come (for whatever reason) that’s also fine. I’ve no intention of getting uptight about any of it.

It’s me and his wedding. And the people we care about the most (kids and grandkids) will be there. And that’s all that matters. Anyone else is a bonus.

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So you would prefer to ruin the relationship with your brother and his family for the sake of excluding one 12-year-old child? That's horrible

bastarddad · 05/09/2025 11:48

thepariscrimefiles · 05/09/2025 11:47

Your situation is different though. Your brother's step-children are adults and I presume not living at home any more. OP's daughter is a child that lives in the family home with younger siblings that are invited.

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my brother’s step child is a teenager but still a child and they live 50/50 with my brother.

there are no younger siblings to invite.

thepariscrimefiles · 05/09/2025 11:47

bastarddad · 05/09/2025 11:44

If you did that to me, I’d say that’s fine. Don’t attend. No skin off my nose.

It’s a second wedding for me and him. Whoever wants to accept the invite they’ve been given is welcome. If they don’t want to come (for whatever reason) that’s also fine. I’ve no intention of getting uptight about any of it.

It’s me and his wedding. And the people we care about the most (kids and grandkids) will be there. And that’s all that matters. Anyone else is a bonus.

Show quote history

Your situation is different though. Your brother's step-children are adults and I presume not living at home any more. OP's daughter is a child that lives in the family home with younger siblings that are invited.

bastarddad · 05/09/2025 11:44

user1492757084 · 05/09/2025 11:41

Very hurtful,Op.
In this case I would promptly contact DBIL and request that you be allowed to pay all catering costs for your DD to join in with the family celebration.
Remind them that their future children would be considered family at your DD's future wedding. Tell BIL that your DD feels excluded and she wants to see her sister be a flowergirl.
Even write BIL a letter so that he can consider your request for more than a few minutes.

If DD is still not invited, I would bring her and her little brother to the ceremony to see the bridal party and then leave and have none of your children attend the reception.

If you did that to me, I’d say that’s fine. Don’t attend. No skin off my nose.

It’s a second wedding for me and him. Whoever wants to accept the invite they’ve been given is welcome. If they don’t want to come (for whatever reason) that’s also fine. I’ve no intention of getting uptight about any of it.

It’s me and his wedding. And the people we care about the most (kids and grandkids) will be there. And that’s all that matters. Anyone else is a bonus.

Selttan · 05/09/2025 11:44

Even if this wasn’t his step-niece (have I got it right?) I think it’s still very hurtful to invite everyone in a household bar one. I’m sure there’s some etiquette rules around this.
20 years later I still remember my cousin inviting my parents and sister to her wedding but not me - and it’s not like my sister was closer to her than me it’s just that they were the same age and I was two years younger.

XelaM · 05/09/2025 11:44

NavyNorris · 05/09/2025 10:47

9 years is most of her life! This is absolutely hurtful, your poor daughter.

I think if I'm being honest here- if I was in your situation I'd be so upset about it I'd not go. I realise I am stubborn and not advising you do this of course but that's really hurtful of your BIL.

Show quote history

This. I would decline the wedding invite. Can't your husband speak to his brother?

user1492757084 · 05/09/2025 11:41

Very hurtful,Op.
In this case I would promptly contact DBIL and request that you be allowed to pay all catering costs for your DD to join in with the family celebration.
Remind them that their future children would be considered family at your DD's future wedding. Tell BIL that your DD feels excluded and she wants to see her sister be a flowergirl.
Even write BIL a letter so that he can consider your request for more than a few minutes.

If DD is still not invited, I would bring her and her little brother to the ceremony to see the bridal party and then leave and have none of your children attend the reception.

thepariscrimefiles · 05/09/2025 11:40

Dazedandconfusec · 05/09/2025 10:43

While she has a fully involved father. She has lived with her stepfather for nearly nine years.

My other children have absolutely nothing to do with my ex so of course they’re not invited to anything on his side.

I can’t believe she could be left out of BiL’s wedding, not as a bridesmaid or anything but as a guest with the rest of her household.

I think it's really mean. Even though your daughter spends time with her dad, she is still an integral part of your family and it is really unkind to leave one child out, when her siblings are both invited and one has an actual role in the wedding. Do you know why they have done this? Is it due to the cost or are there other issues? What does your DH think?

mamagogo1 · 05/09/2025 11:40

In this situation I’d be expecting you dh to speak to his brother and if no change refuse to attend

bastarddad · 05/09/2025 11:40

I can honestly say it didn’t even occur to me to invite my brother’s step child. I wasn’t being excluding, I just have absolutely no relationship with the child.

I’ve met the child once, at a pre-Christmas meet up at least 10 years ago and never seen them since.

We never talk about the child, my brother never mentions them.

I’ve met his partner slightly more often, but not her child. Also. The child is not my brother’s child.

I can honestly say it didn’t even occur to me that they should be invited.

We are already at a small wedding and some people are invited only to the evening do, and plenty are invited without children, the only “children” are my own adult kids and my grandchildren, my partners children (he has no grandchildren yet) and my brother’s adult children from his first marriage.

nomas · 05/09/2025 11:37

YANBU. I would send DH with kids but there is no way I would go without my daughter.

And if you posted as a step-mother whose brother was excluding your step-daughter from his wedding, everyone would be telling you and your family are spiteful and cruel for excluding a child.

Ellie1015 · 05/09/2025 11:37

She is a full part of your family. It is awful to invite 2 out of 3 children in any family for any reason. Likely he is just tight on numbers and thoughtless rather than deliberately hurtful. I would be hurt though.

No idea why rare on mumsnet for people to think it is ok to exclude less than half the class from a children's birthday party but ok to invite 4 out of 5 from a household.

Sdpbody · 05/09/2025 11:35

None of my children would be going, if only one of my children were excluded.

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 05/09/2025 11:35

CagneyNYPD1 · 05/09/2025 11:17

I agree it is wrong to exclude a child. But for clarity, does your dd actually know the BIL and his fiancée? Does she go along to family get togethers with your DH’s family? Or does she tend to be with her Dad and his side? For example, Christmas meet ups, your parent in laws’ birthdays.

I do think that she should be invited and attended the day with you as a guest.

Edited

This, am hoping is unintentional oversight!
Has dh not contacted them to ask?

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 05/09/2025 11:30

Could he have just thought she would be at her dads so didn't include her on the invite? He could have not thought anything of it.

It is very hurtful if they have purposely alienated her though, I think DH needs to speak to him.

CatsorDogsrule · 05/09/2025 11:24

NavyNorris · 05/09/2025 10:39

I'd be upset too if one of my children wasn't invited.

Does your daughter spend much time with your DH family? Family gatherings etc?

What has your DH said about it?

I agree with this poster. Your DH's view on this is key.

Mauvehoodie · 05/09/2025 11:20

This is really hurtful. I have a DS in a similar position (has an involved father but has had stepdad since he was 3/4) and would be so upset if he was the only child not invited to a close family wedding.

CagneyNYPD1 · 05/09/2025 11:17

I agree it is wrong to exclude a child. But for clarity, does your dd actually know the BIL and his fiancée? Does she go along to family get togethers with your DH’s family? Or does she tend to be with her Dad and his side? For example, Christmas meet ups, your parent in laws’ birthdays.

I do think that she should be invited and attended the day with you as a guest.

Bellevue85 · 05/09/2025 11:05

I (don’t leave it to your Dh) would casually drop in a comment to them about accidentally forgetting her and see what they say. Keep it light hearted and friendly.

I think it’s very cruel of them to not invite her. Hopefully it is just an innocent mistake!

bastarddad · 05/09/2025 11:01

I’ve met my brother’s stepchild once.

Why would I invite her to my wedding?

mn5962 · 05/09/2025 10:56

@Dazedandconfusec When you go to family gatherings is she there? You say she has a half brother and half sister so i assume there are 5 of you in total.
How often is she at her fathers?

If she hardly knows your DH's side of the family as she is never with you when you see them then you could understand to a certain extent her not being thought of (not deliberately not invited).

Could it be she hasnt been thought of rather than intentionally not invited?
Has your DH had a call with his family about this?

CuriousKangaroo · 05/09/2025 10:53

I often read posts by parents expecting way too much of their partner’s family towards step children, and think it is so unfair to expect non blood relations to do. But this is not one of those posts. You are absolutely right to be upset and angry about this. It’s really shitty not to include your DD when the whole rest of the household has been invited. I’m so sorry, OP.

Surely your DH is equally upset? He should take this up with his brother, you shouldn’t have to.

If nothing changes, then I would be fine with my husband and other children going, but I wouldn’t attend and would do something really lovely and special one-on-one on the day with my DD. And I would never let her know she had been excluded.