Step-child and wedding exclusion

I’d refuse to be the maid of honour at my sister’s wedding if she invited my other children but not the step child I’d had in my life for 9 years, since the child was really little.

ETA - to be clear, I’d be totally fine if no children were invited.

In my case they are step siblings. I was describing my own situation.

It's disgusting OP

can't understand anyone defending this

Her step fathers brother is getting married and every otehr member of the household/ family is going!

You’re a family unit who all live together, it’s awful that she’s singled out and not invited.
It may be slightly different if she was an adult who was less involved in the family but presumably she’s usually there at wider family get togethers which include the bride and groom, eg Christmas, birthdays etc, this isn’t any different.

They're not Step-Siblings, the OP is the mother to all of the children, they're half siblings if you want to get technical but they are siblings

Yeah that's shit, I don't care what other people are saying. She's the only one of your family that isn't invited. It's telling her that she's not really part of your family. You've been with this guy for 9 years and have 2 other kids with him, excluding her from a family event is heartless

But they’re not siblings. They’re step siblings and in fact my brother’s adult children have not lived with her in years. And when they did it was rarely (they saw him every Wednesday night for tea and every other weekend. And the weekends were opposite mostly except for holidays)

I think there can be two truths - 1. Your DH does see your daughter as his family (he’s 100% right though, it will be a dick move if an invitation is offered and ultimately turned down) and 2. Your DH’s family view your daughter as YOUR daughter. They are kind to her in person but not overly bothered as the reality is if you divorced tomorrow they’d probably never see her again.

I think it wouldn’t have hurt for her to have been invited… but I’d also love to know: in the past 12 months, how many times has your BIL and bride to be seen or spent time with your daughter?

Because she is his family, and it would be unspeakably cunty to invite that child's sibling and not that child.

The onus to do what? Force his brother to invite a child he doesn't see as family to his wedding?
Or cutting off contact with his brother, who he loves and who asked him to be his best man, (so not an insignificant relationship then), for the sake of a child who isn't his, not attending a one day event?

I wouldn't go, and neither would any of my other children. We are a family and we come as such.

I think this is unkind and insensitive and I would speak up about it. Say very clearly that stepdaughter is part of your family unit and, whilst you would not expect her to be bridesmaid, you do want her to be included.

How awful that her half sisters with whom she shares a home will be part of the celebration and she is excluded. I would not be standing back and letting that happen.

It's unacceptable to exclude one child from a family unit.
I'd either expect us all to be invited, or none of us would play any part in the wedding.

I've been the child in this situation. Twice. YANBU, it's absolutely awful

I agree. And neither would any DH of mine!

All your children are equal to you, not to everyone else.

Does her father invite her half sibling to everything? Does his family?

Oh that’s crap.

My son isn’t my husbands biological child and he had a dad who is in his life. But since I met dh, his family included my son as one of thier own, even before they met him! Ds was 7 when we met and he didn’t even know of now dh existence until we had been together 18 months, but Dh family still gave me money to buy him birthday and Christmas gifts “from them” in that time, and Dh mum would buy him clothes when she bought them for her grandsons. When they met ds, that was it, he was thier grandson/nephew just like the other children in their family. PIL even changed their wills to include him with their other grandchildren. He’s 23 now and me and dh have younger children. His family treat him no differently.

However, his father’s wife’s family - ds is never invited to anything as he’s not her her child. He’s excluded from weddings etc.

So I have seen it both sides. Ds used to feel really shit about being excluded.

That is awful! My eldest daughter has never been treated anything other than my dh daughter even though he’s her stepfather. It’s crazy to leave her out of a family wedding but to invite her half siblings. I just don’t understand it at all. She’s one small person but even if she was an adult it still would be weird.

You’re making a lot of sense! It’s an appalling way to behave towards a child. I hope they see sense when your husband speaks to them. It would make me see them differently going forward though.

I would let husband attend and decline the invite for all the rest of you. No children should attend if one is left out.

OP I totally get where you are coming from. It nearly feels like your BIL is making a point of excluding her. I would feel exactly the same way if it were my DC and I'm surprised your DH isn't making more of a fuss about it tbh.

I’m a bit confused now after your recent post. Yes, all dc in the household should be included in important family events. But it does sound like that your dd isn’t particularly close to your DH’s side of the family. So probably an oversight rather than a deliberate snub.

Your DH is right though. If he brings this up with his side and your dd is then invited, she can’t then decline and do something with her dad or friends. Are you absolutely sure that your dd would want to go?

I agree with your DH - that if DD receives an invitation she will have to accept and you all will need to proceed with grace and harmony, without acting pissed off, and have a joyous celebration.

I have no opinion on her at all.

I’ve met her once many years ago and she has never attended any family events since.

Why would you exclude her? Do you not like her?