Step-child and wedding exclusion

OP I think you are handling and approaching this unpleasant situation with maturity and grace.

Yes this groom is a knob to not invite your eldest esp as the other 2 kids are going and one a bm

From the sound of it I doubt even that would register with such a bunch. I absolutely understand that the OP doesn’t want to upset the other daughter who is going to be bridesmaid but I think the husband can deal with the younger child at the wedding, if necessary leave and go back. I do think the older daughter will find out one way or another. I would make sure the card was not signed by me or SC and I wouldn’t be entertaining the newlyweds any time soon.

It's literally exactly about that. The OPs situation, which is the one that's actually relevant here, is one where the two younger DC would have their attendance and at worst relationship treated as leverage and potentially collateral. Those words have meanings and they are applicable in these circumstances.

It's the suggestion that one set of DCs paternal family event attendance should be treated as leverage, and presumably as collateral if the relatives (whose behaviour I don't agree with) refuses to play ball

but it’s not about this at all. You are characterising it in this way.

its actually about a different set of family values.

It’s normal in some families for different members to have very different lives/ activities/ possessions/ experiences. In other families is normal to say that we are a collective- everyone or no one does/ gets x, y, z. This could apply to all sorts of things and situations - nothing to do with leverage or collateral damage- just a different view of individual versus collective . For example, growing up I was expected to share everything with my siblings. In most of my friend’s families this wasn’t the case- they had different toys they didn’t have to share, etc.

This is not remotely comparable.

It is awful that they’re excluding a 12 year old and I wouldn’t be going.

To clarify, its not people doing things differently to me that's piss poor parenting. There are ways to do things differently to me that are nothing of the sort.

It's the suggestion that one set of DCs paternal family event attendance should be treated as leverage, and presumably as collateral if the relatives (whose behaviour I don't agree with) refuses to play ball. Especially as the other child has no such constraints placed on their paternal family relationships. It's an appalling idea.

Yeh I wouldn’t do this either. Let your DD go to the wedding of course and let your DH sort it all. It can be a “their side of the family” thing.
You shouldn’t be involved as then your other child becomes the only odd one out.

I agree with OP’s stance and balance in this case, but I also just want to say that people having different family values to you and doing things differently is not “piss poor parenting”.

"My MiL apparently said elder would have been invited as her exclusion will mean the logistics will be difficult in the morning!"
Well they should have thought about that sooner then shouldn't they?
In your DH's position, I would have told my DB to stuff off but that's me.

It sounds like in laws are being incredibly dense and just view the problem as a childcare issue, rather than realising you're upset.

I would let them know that you are trying to arrange something for her to do with her dad so she never has to find out she wasn't invited to the wedding, which is 100% true anyway. Then the penny might drop that they're being unkind.

I agree, I wouldn’t do the wedding pick up or the bridesmaid dress stuff.

You are doing way too much to facilitate this shitshow. Your daughter is going to find out about the wedding, better to know that she spent a weekend away with her mum, than you spent the time running around helping their day go smoothly.

as if it’s not shit enough being the step children Theo other children have their parents together. I strongly feel that your priorities are completely wrong here.

There are people saying they would/have, but noticeably none of them have mentioned having a partner who still intends to go and shows no indication that they'd be willing to stop their DC from going either.

Quite apart from the ethics of the matter, this course of action does also require a DH who's on board with his own children's wider familial relationships potentially being collateral.

That isn't the same is it? OPs other children won't have been involved or know anyone on her eldest daughter's father's side of the family!

I'd face it head on and say frankly to BIL that he invites everyone or no-one and if your eldest isn't invited, they need to find a new flower girl. They need to be made aware that what they've done isn't acceptable, and your youngest needs to be made aware that we don't socialise with people who exclude our family.

exactly how @Crazyworldmum said - we are a family and we do things together.

In my family none of us would attend. I know it’s hard on all the children for different reasons but we are savage about defending each of them. BIL has drawn a line with your eldest outside. I’d be moving that boundary around your own and leave him to feel outside.
No backtracking on their side now would move me from that stance.

I'm invariably shocked when people think women in OPs situation can make their DCs attendance at special events in the paternal family conditional on the acceptance of a stepchild.

As well as being absolutely piss poor parenting, it's usually suggested to women whose partners show no sign of being up for that either. It's to OPs credit that she isn't considering it.

Totally agree with you OP and would do exactly what you plan to do. Assume these people haven’t got children, maybe when/if they do they won’t have such a cavalier disregard for children’s feelings.

As a Stepmum, I'd think that was horrible. SD has been invited as part of our family to every wedding we've been to since we met, friends and family. There's absolutely no way I'd attend a wedding, or let my other child attend, if we were all invited except SD and I'm shocked that you're considering it as her mother.